Dear Janet,

I stumbled on your blog through the guest post on “tummy time” when my daughter, now six months, was about two months old.  I was totally captivated by the video of Baby Liv and then spent hours reading your whole blog.  Very quickly I just had this enormous sense of relief come over me: I hadn’t realized how tense I had been until I discovered how amazing this feeling was!  And on the same day that I started reading about RIE, the baby caught my sense of peace right away.  Suddenly she started sleeping more, in part because I didn’t jump up every time she stirred.  She wasn’t taking really short naps, I found—she was having wakeful periods (sometimes very vigorous wakeful periods) in the middle of long naps that I had been destroying by picking her up too quickly.

What relief to realize that my young baby needed her own space and time: that I didn’t need to be entertaining her every minute or teaching her the alphabet in order for her to develop.  I could trust my child to grow up, and I could help her along the way.  Wow–my whole perspective shifted, and I became so much calmer.  So did my baby!

But RIE has turned out to be an unexpected source of comfort in other ways.  As a result of a rare condition, I’ve suffered several vertebral fractures over the last couple of months, and my spine is still very delicate.  This means that for the next year or so, I have to be extremely careful.  I simply can’t pick my baby up or “wear” her (you’re right, it’s a terrible term), for I risk even worse permanent disability.  I can, thankfully, still hold her in my lap if someone hands her to me.

If I was still under the sway of attachment parenting (which I do think is different from RIE, and which I believe encourages, perhaps inadvertently, the anxieties of new parents to develop into self-destructive behaviors and worries), this would be completely devastating.  After all, it would mean that my child would fail to properly attach, that I was an insufficient mother, that we would all be emotionally stunted by my physical limitations.

But under RIE, my physical value as a mother is rather limited.  I am not a beast of burden for my child.  Rather, I can sit and watch her play and comment.  I can read books to her.  I can play games with her.  I can empathize with her and talk to her.  And all of that is considered plenty.

So, I am incredibly grateful for your work and that of Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler.  You will all have made my child’s infancy so much happier for us.

With so many thanks,

Jennifer

“Parents often say to me, “I want to hold my baby all the time to show him how much I love him.” Most animals can show affection only through touch, but we humans have an extensive, varied and refined repertoire of ways to demonstrate love. To me, a mature, evolved person shows love by respecting the *otherness* of the beloved. You become a good parent not only by listening to your instinctive messages but by paying close attention to your baby, by observing the infant. Sensitive observation flows from respect.” – Magda Gerber

(Photo by cheriejoyful on Flickr.)

I love your articles. I love the concept of letting your little ones just be alone sometimes. I feel I am constantly trying to entertain my little 5 month old girl, and I want her to be someone that likes her own company in the future and can be creative by herself. I don’t know if my LO is clingy (maybe I’m misunderstanding something) or just used to me being right next to her 24/7?

For the last 2 months I have been trying to let her have as much floor play as possible (I hid away the big box of toys, musical swing, and she hardly ever goes in a buggy or car seat) and just gave her space and a few open-ended objects to play with. I stay in the room with her so I am within reach but try to let her have her own space. She seems to get very frustrated and complains a lot after a short amount of time. If I go over to her and engage with her, she is instantly happy. I have not been denying her cuddles or interaction, but she seems much happier when I’m constantly entertaining her with singing, faces etc. Maybe I’m getting something wrong? Please help!

The only other thing I can think of is that she doesn’t want to be restricted on the floor. She  LOVES to be held up on her legs in standing position. She  complains at tummy time and rolls but isn’t crawling yet, and just seems to want to stand (with my assistance) for a large amount of time.

Jade

Hi Jade,

Thanks for your kind words. A couple of thoughts come to mind regarding your little one. First, remember that babies are very impressionable and like to do what they are accustomed to doing. When we decide to change patterns of behavior we’ve established with our children, there’s usually an adjustment period. If you would like to aid your baby’s transition to more child-led play (and I highly recommend doing so), she will need to adapt to enjoying being with you while you do a little less. Here’s what I suggest…

1. Sit on the floor holding your baby on your lap in a horizontal position, if she’ll allow you to. Sometimes when babies are accustomed to being in an upright position in our arms, they won’t stand for being held another way. If that’s the case, hold her at more of an upright angle on your lap. Relax and let her look around. Place a few interesting, but simple play objects out on the floor beforehand so that she can see them. Don’t point the toys out to her or try to coax her into going there. Just be patient, quiet and accepting. Let her feel settled and see what she sees.

2. When you feel she’s ready (perhaps she’s leaning towards the floor or seems interested in the toys), tell her that you will lay her down, and then place her on her back. Stay right there, so she’s very close to you. Don’t pick up the toys, move them closer or put them in her hands. Just wait and see, let her “be”. If you are impatient, tense or have an agenda, your daughter will probably sense it. So, work on totally letting go and just observing.

3. If she complains, talk to her, always acknowledge her communication. “I hear you. I’m right here watching you.” If she starts to sound more upset, you might stroke her gently and even lie down next to her. “You sound uncomfortable. This is a little different from the way we usually play, isn’t it?”

Remember that complaining about trying something new doesn’t mean she’s “unhappy”. 

4. If your acknowledgements don’t calm her and she starts to escalate, you might ask, “Do you want a little break? Would you like me to pick you up?” If she seems to say yes, then pick her up, but stay seated on the floor. If she calms down in your arms, you could try again. “Are you ready to play again?”

5. Most babies do love it when we stand them up, carry them around and otherwise entertain them. What’s not to love? When these ways of interacting become the norm, they are desired and expected. This wish to repeat the familiar can become a distraction that makes it difficult for the child to engage in the slower paced, self-created and self-designed activities that are profoundly beneficial and vital to learning.

It isn’t that your baby feels “restricted” playing on the floor; it’s just that it is such a new and foreign idea to her. (In fact, she is far more restricted and dependent when you are holding her up). And she may not yet believe that she has your attention when you are quieter and more passive, so you’ll have to prove it. The key is to gently wean your baby from expecting entertainment while providing her the trust, space and time to create her own.

A baby who can self-entertain will never need TV.

6. Just as it’s up to us to instill the habit of self-directed play (which most babies end up loving even more than the adult generated kind), it’s also our job to ensure that our babies are developing motor skills organically, if that is something we value. Although both are innate desires, we have to pave the way (which usually means staying out of the way).

If this is the direction you want to take, I would recommend that you not hold your baby up to stand anymore, ever, because that is interfering with both inner-directed play and natural motor development. If she seems to want you to do it, I would acknowledge honestly, “I see you are asking me to hold you up. Yes, we used to do that, but now we’re going to wait for you to be ready to do it on your own. That will be healthier for your body” (or something like that).

7. It isn’t surprising that interaction with her beloved mommy makes your daughter “instantly happy”.  Continue to engage her with your joyful attention when you two are feeding, bathing and diapering, etc. Sing, make faces and share jokes while you “work” together. These loving interactions combined with child-led playtime in which you are an appreciative audience to your baby’s ever evolving antics will provide her the absolute best of both worlds.

For inspiration and further clarification, here’s an enchanting, brief montage of a baby’s first 5 months of independent play, generously provided by Kerry (a fellow New Zealander, Jade!) Note the minimal toys needed, the time baby Kobe spends exploring his hands, moving his limbs, pondering who knows what? Notice the comfort he seems to feel in his own skin and the way he achieves “tummy time” gracefully and confidently.

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace.

For more about infant play, I highly recommend “What Is Play?” by Lisa Sunbury from Regarding Baby

(Photo by Micah Sittig on Flickr)

We picked a day to visit the classic carousel on the Santa Monica Pier and talked about it for days ahead of time. We imagined the experience – choosing a horse, the music, fastening seatbelts, riding up and down, round and round, holding onto the shiny brass pole.

When the day finally arrived and we parked in the beach lot near the pier, I unfastened her car seat and she stepped outside. We looked towards the carousel building a good hundred yards away, and I was stunned when she murmured wistfully, “I hear the music from here”.  I heard nothing. And it wasn’t until we entered the building a few minutes later that I finally heard the music, too.

This began a magical day that only got better and better. The merry-go-round was everything my girl had hoped it would be. Since she had initiated this idea herself and had spent time imagining every detail, she embraced the experience completely.

The carousel confirmed lessons I’d learned through infant specialist Magda Gerber…

Wait for readiness.

Sharing the activities we loved as children is one of the joys of parenting, and naturally, we can’t wait! We don’t always have the patience to hold off on the carousel (or Disneyland, movies, SeaWorld, whatever…). But when we are able to postpone an activity until our child has the opportunity to initiate interest, or at least say ‘yes’ and be old enough to actively participate, i.e., walk Disneyland, choose rides, recognize characters and fasten seatbelts rather than be carried or strolled, the rewards are great.

Generally, the longer we can hold off, the more our child will gain, because the more participatory and “on top of things” toddlers feel, the richer the experience. We are inclined to forget how easily our toddlers become over-stimulated and overwhelmed.

Prepare…perchance to dream.

Preparing our children for new experiences encourages them to participate as actively as possible. When children have the opportunity, for example, to read the book and/or hear the music before going to a show, they eagerly anticipate the event and are ready to savor every aspect. It’s literally a dream come true. Toddlers love to predict what will happen and then be ‘right’. And the preparations for any activity are usually as enjoyable and educational as the event itself.

Balance outings with home time.

I envy the energy (and organizational ability) of parents who manage to schedule lots of special activities with their children. But I believe children gain more from experiences when they do them less often and have more time to assimilate them. Toddlers need plenty of time to “do nothing” at home so that they can absorb and learn from the events in their lives. They need time to invent play that helps them understand and process the things they’ve been exposed to that might confuse or disturb them. I’ll never forget my 3 1/2 year old scrubbing the floor for days (just pretending, unfortunately) after watching her first Disney movie – Cinderella.

Never underestimate the power of imagination. When we do less and wait for readiness, we encourage it…something to keep in mind this holiday season!

Happy Holidays!

It’s a big family party and your beloved brother who has never met your newborn approaches with great joy and excitement. “My brand new nephew!” his voice is booming. He swoops his face inches from your baby’s and starts grabbing under the baby’s chin and on the tummy, making gootchy-goo noises. Your baby seems to freeze. Is this OK with you? 

a)  Of course. That’s his uncle and he’s expressing love.

b)  If my baby ends up laughing, then I guess it’s OK, but I feel kind of nervous.

c)  No. I adore my brother, but my baby has NO IDEA who this man is and looks completely overwhelmed.  

If your answer was ‘a’, I’m going to offer a challenge: Would it be OK with you if a stranger did this to you? How about a stranger who towered over you? Can you imagine how it would feel if you were helpless to move away? Isn’t it even worse if this grabbing is happening to you and you don’t like it, but everyone you trust around you is smiling and laughing? 

From the mom-perspective, the fact that your brother (or other relative) is utterly familiar to you and that his intentions are clearly loving makes it hard to see that he is a stranger to this baby. We can wish it wasn’t so, rationalize somehow, but then we are still seeing this situation from the adult’s perspective, not the infant’s. It’s very hard to know what to do when you are torn between adults you can identify with (you can feel your brother’s intentions), and the baby you are taking care of. 

There are lots of interpersonal reasons why your decision might tip towards understanding your brother’s point of view and temporarily tuning out your baby’s, which is answer ‘b’ above. It’s a huge challenge to really consider the helplessness of infants, and remain an advocate for them in the face of social pressures. 

Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE, (Resources for Infant Educarers) opened my eyes to the actual experience of infants and toddlers when I read her books and was able to attend a RIE parent-infant class when my children were babies. In these weekly classes I practiced a new skill of observation without agenda, sometimes called ‘looking at infants with new eyes.’ This awareness continued to grow as my children passed through many developmental phases. Being able to imagine your child’s experience is a strong indicator of secure attachment between parents and children. 

Why is this important? There is a lot of exciting new research in psychology on infant attachment, and the relationship structures that get ‘embedded’ early in life. A lot of this work in psychology, brain research and child development, focuses on how infants regulate fearful emotional states, something that is called “affect regulation.” In the infant/uncle scenario, the infant who freezes and stares vacantly is experiencing a fearful state of emotional and physiological arousal and using a strategy of dissociating. 

What’s sad is that the uncle in this story is attempting to reach out to the infant in the best way he knows, but he’s not starting from where the infant actually is. He’s starting from where he is and where he wants the infant to be with him—close and connected. It’s a sad fact of life for many dispersed modern families that babies may not know their uncles, aunts and grandparents as well as they know their babysitters or their mother’s friends.  Sensitive conversations may have to happen for you to mediate between the relatives’ needs and wishes, and the perspective of your baby. 

If you picked ‘c’, then you are accepting the inconvenient reality that this person you love is not familiar to your baby. Once you accept what is, you can foster the beginnings of an authentic uncle-nephew relationship. I believe this is the most respectful and aware way to go, though I can’t say I always followed this path. I know there were times when I chose to keep silent about something in the interest of not rocking the boat. When this happens, it is important to be kind to yourself. 

As a parent, you are always balancing your needs and the needs of the baby. If you can practice the discipline of considering your baby’s point of view and needs, while not forgetting your own, you are doing heroic work, and your parenting path will be its own rich reward.

Miven would love to hear your thoughts, and will respond here to any questions.

She can also be contacted at:

Miven Trageser, MA,
Marriage and Family Therapy Intern #56575
Psychotherapy: Individuals, Couples, Children
310-284-3600
miventrageser@gmail.com

This is my kind of silliness. These family games are creative, simple, and spontaneous. They need almost no preparation and only minimal equipment, just household stuff. They are unplugged, screen-free, non-board games that un-bore children, and they are all about playing rather than producing something, or winning and losing. Best of all, they don’t cause mess-ups that disappoint everyone and make a parent (hmm…) look foolish because she didn’t inherit the ‘crafty’ gene. 

Some of these games you’ll recognize. The more eccentric ones originated in this family. Honestly, a couple of these are so odd that I wonder why my kids enjoy them so much, but the giggles they generate and the repeated requests to play them cannot be denied! 

Folding Game – (pictured twice above) For at least 2 players, better with 3, ages 4 to 104. (Need paper, crayons or markers.) 

Take one piece of paper per player and fold it into horizontal thirds (or quarters, with 4 or more players). Each player draws a head and shoulders of some sort (person, animal, vegetable, mineral, monster, alien, whatever) in the top folded section.

Continue the shoulder lines very slightly into the next folded section to give guidance to the player who will continue on that page. Then fold the page back to hide what you have drawn and expose the rest of the paper (with just the little lines of guidance showing) to the person next to you.   

Each player then draws a mid-section of any kind, including hands and arms (if your creation has any) in any position. Continue the lines of the hips and the tops of legs very slightly into the bottom folded section, fold back to expose only the bottom section to the player next to you and pass on. 

Last round, everyone draws legs and feet.  Finally, unfold and enjoy your communal person/beast. Name him/her/it, if you like!  

Sardines In A Can – 3 players or more (the more the squishier!), ages 2 To 102.

This is the classic game of hide ‘n seek turned inside out. One player hides, the others find him and snuggle in next to him in his hiding spot. The last player to find the hiding spot opens a can of very giggly sardines. (For safety, youngest players should team-up with someone, not go hiding on their own.) 

Close Your Eyes And Open Your Mouth – Parent and 1 child or more, ages 2 to 102. (Need a kitchen and some food.) 

Players take turns closing their eyes while mom, dad, or trusted older sibling brings tiny bites of various edible items. Players guess what they are tasting. As tempting as it is to take full advantage and pop in those highly nutritional foods our children always nix, I’ve found (for the sake of fun and trust!) it’s best to hold the cod liver oil and give samples they can at least tolerate. 

Copy – 2 or more players, ages 3 to 103. (Need paper, crayons or markers.) 

This one’s really simple, but my children have played it with me – and better yet — with each other for hours. 

Each child has a piece of paper. One child draws a shape, dot, figure, or whatever, on his paper. The other child tries to copy it onto his paper, and then adds something more. 

The first artist then copies the other child’s addition to the drawing on his paper and adds something more. This copying back and forth continues until the children decide they are done. They end up with two drawings that are similar, but surprisingly different. 

Charades – At least 2 players, but the more the merrier, ages 3 to 103. (Need small scraps of paper, pen or pencil.) 

This game is a personal favorite. Since I loved charades parties in my teens and twenties, I wanted to introduce the concept to my children as soon as they were old enough to understand it. Younger children can begin by recognizing an image and acting out what it represents.  

There is a wonderful charades board game, Kids On Stage, which includes picture cards in three categories: animals, actions and objects. Children embrace the challenge of slithering like a snake or pretending to swing on a swing.  We soon memorized all the cards and with the slightest twitch we could shout out which one it was.

Charades has now become a favorite after dinner party game when we have family or friends over. The younger ones need a little help and encouragement at first, but soon everyone is willing to go out on a limb, behave foolishly in hope that the movie, book, or famous person they are acting out is recognized, and join in the (often hysterical) laughter. 

Spice Girls – 1 adult, 1 child (girl or boy) or more, ages 2 to 102. (Need spices.) 

This is a guessing game variation on “Close Your Eyes And Open Your Mouth” that my daughters and I invented.  One person closes her eyes while the other holds a spice jar under her nose, and she then has to distinguish the spice. Adults should try this one, too. It’s tough! And some of the most commonly used spices have a surprisingly unappealing smell. 

Scavenger Hunt – At least 1 child, the more the merrier, ages 3 to 103. 

Scavenger hunts take some preparatory work for the parent, but the joy of sending children out to explore and discover nature is well worth the trouble. There were summers when my children wanted to do this almost every day, and I happily obliged. 

We are blessed to live in a semi-rural area and have a large un-manicured yard. I would wander about, noting the colors, shapes and designs of leaves, small rocks, flowers, etc., and make a list. When the children were pre-readers, I drew little pictures. Jennifer Kirkpatrick shared my suggestions on her website: Parents Only Zone, and she includes a printable illustrated scavenger hunt list.

The search gets more complex as the children get older and might include items like “a piece of eucalyptus bark the length of your humerus”, or “a live isopod crustacean” (roly-poly bug). The hunt always ends up being creative, educational and fun (for me, too). 

I hope these play ideas come in handy, or inspire spin-offs of your own. I admit to often groaning inaudibly when my children ask me to play, but I have never regretted saying yes.  Playing together bonds us, creates memories, rituals, family lore, and carves time out of our busy lives to focus on each other. In fact I’ve made a pact with my kids for this summer: Wednesday night is game night. So, please forgive me if I don’t answer the phone (or post). I’ll be getting back to you Thursday morning!

When I became a dad, however, while I was prepared for the ‘business’ of fatherhood, the experience was brand new.  Now I was in love with a baby, and everything really was a big deal. I could watch that child for hours, even as she slept. I couldn’t wait for her to wake up. I wanted to talk to her, bounce her on my knee, take her to restaurants, travel, and show her off to friends and relatives. And I did. I figured that exposing her to my wonderfully exciting world would help to socialize her, and she might become one of those impressively precocious, comfortable-with-adults kids that steal everyone’s attention at cocktail parties. So, of course it only made sense that my baby’s nap schedule should be adjusted to my work hours so I could enjoy quality time interacting with her. 

I bought my baby fantabulous toys made of vibrant colored plastics that I knew she would love once she learned to sit up and got that hand-eye thing working. These toys moved, talked, asked questions and gave answers.  I also loaded up on very cool videos made by companies with names like ‘Baby Genius’ and ‘Toddler Titans’. I was careful to read the descriptions and only chose titles that were educational. I wasn’t going to expose my baby to crap. 

My favorite purchase was a battery-operated 3-speed swing, an ingenious piece of mechanical child care equipment. I had seen these things in action. If your infant is crying and inconsolable, if it’s nap time, or if you just want a mental health break, you strap the kid in and set the thing on auto-pilot. Within seconds, the baby calms down. Soon, she gets that 10,000-yard, no-one’s-home stare. Eventually, the eyes roll back, the shades come down, and she’s dead to the world. Magnificent! 

I meant well. I had a lot of expectations (and fantasies) about my once and future relationship with my infant daughter and how I would manage it. Ultimately, I just wanted to be a good dad – active, fun, available, nurturing. I also wanted interaction and some reciprocal signals that she was as thrilled and adoring of me as I was of her.  When she was tiny and lacked the neck strength to do anything but stare at the ceiling, that meant getting in her face with stuffed animals or a whirly-jig to elicit a smile (I know — gas…). Propping her up seemed like a good idea, too – much easier to see her dad do the Doo Dah Dance – though her head usually sagged to one side at an impossible, really ugly angle. If she was bored (yes, I assumed an infant could be bored), I would sit her in my lap and flap her arms or lift them high above her head (“soooooo big….”). 

It was around this period in my daughter’s infancy that my wife met infant expert Magda Gerber.  I did not become a convert overnight. But after an initial struggle, then a period of tacit compliance to avoid domestic strife, I began to see the innate logic of Magda’s philosophy and insight. 

I got in the habit of announcing my intentions before handling my daughter. Our house was gradually cleared of DayGlo plastic and battery powered toys. (My daughter found other objects to fascinate over.) Oral pacifiers were trashed. (She located her thumb and learned to comfort herself.) I did not put her in high places she couldn’t reach by herself, most especially (and painfully) playground swings. 

And she was happy. Happy staring at the sky without a stuffed animal flying through her limited field of vision; happy manipulating a wooden block rather than building a skyscraper; happy to have me nearby observing rather than controlling her world with my own ideas of fun. 

Over time, it dawned on me that real quality time with my daughter meant quality for her, not entertainment for me.  I began expressing my love by practicing the selfless art of observation, sitting for hours simply watching and being available. The big ‘ah-ha’ was realizing that my presence was enough. I really wasn’t needed for much else, and by restraining my instinct to massage and control the moment, I was doing my daughter the greatest service of all – respecting her. 

As a new father, I believed my job was to prepare my daughter in body and spirit for the big bad world.  So, I followed my instincts – not always a good idea — which meant inserting myself into her world of playtime and daydreaming, doing for her what she could not do for herself. Or, more precisely, what she had not yet figured out for herself. Big difference. By interfering, I was virtually robbing her of the experiences of discovery and success — not the smartest way to encourage self-confidence in a child.  

So, I have come to believe that the very best any of us can do to love our kids is to nurture their instincts so they grow comfortable and confident in the world. But ‘nurturing’ is not as aggressively pro-active as I once thought. Actually, it is more akin to facilitating, allowing our perfect babies to develop through their own processes of discovery. In my case, this meant learning to butt out. And, to my utter amazement and great satisfaction, my daughter (and then her siblings) managed beautifully throughout their infancies and have continued to flourish — physically, mentally, emotionally – developing natural poise and confidence I could never have engineered.  Or nurtured. 

Ultimately, I learned to trust my babies and even coined my own adage: “Never turn down the opportunity to shut up, sit on your hands and observe.”  I think Magda would approve.

First, the good news: According to a recent article in the New York Times, “Disney Expands Refunds on ‘Baby Einstein’ DVDs,” The Walt Disney Company is widely refunding users of its ”Baby Einstein” videos in response to challenges about the legitimacy of its educational claims. For years the “Baby Einstein” packaging included assertions that the videos would encourage language development, even “[teach] words to babies under 2 years old.”

The hero in this case is The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, a Boston-based advocacy group that brought the DVD’s bogus claims to the Federal Trade Commission in 2006. It has been fighting ever since to take “Baby Einstein” to task for misleading consumers with false advertising on the product’s packaging and web site. Under FTC scrutiny and the added pressure of a threatened class-action suit, the company removed certain wording from the packaging asserting that the DVD has some positive effect on a baby’s development.

Obviously, these claims are not — nor have they ever have been — supported by scientific research. In fact, studies conclude the opposite: increased TV and video watching is linked to delayed language skills and learning disorders (not to mention obesity). Most parents are now aware that The American Academy of Pediatrics (a really smart group) warns against any media for children under the age of 2. Of course, this is “Baby Einstein’s” target audience.

Now for the bad news: recent studies show that decades of warnings against TV and video viewing for babies have had little effect on parents. A recent article in the Los Angeles Times entitled “Kids’ Eyes are Glued to TV” also covers the “Baby Einstein” marketing scam and reports grim findings: “The amount of television usage by children (has) reached an eight-year high…”

Why are parents hooked on getting kids hooked on TV? In the many papers I have read, experts assign guilt to parents without providing solutions. Studies that poll parents have found that the majority of those who expose babies to TV know they are compromising their child’s optimum health, but they see no other choice to get chores done or take a break. So, unfortunately, one can only conclude that parents would rather feel guilt about the way they are raising a child than feel trapped by a child who they believe cannot occupy himself.

Experts offer vague directives like, “Children should be playing outdoors. Watch TV with your kids. Read to your children. ” In the L.A. Times article, Susan Linn, psychologist and director of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, clarifies the problem. “If we start children early in life on a steady diet of screen time and electronic toys, they don’t develop the resources to generate their own amusement, so they become dependent on screens.”

Bingo. But none of this information is particularly helpful, because it does not offer any specific alternative to giving a baby passive entertainment when the parents need a well-deserved break. No question, parents need breaks, and the last thing they need is guilt. But no one tells us how not to resort to TV. To my knowledge, no one other than infant expert Magda Gerber offers a viable plan to solve the TV issue. And while Magda Gerber’s non-profit organization (RIE) cannot compete with “Baby Einstein” when it comes to marketing dollars, Gerber’s approach to child care is the real genius.

Picture this: our week old baby is on the changing table after a diaper change. He is looking at the ceiling, calmly and quietly. He is content. Instead of picking him up because we’re done and want to move on, we wait and watch. Five minutes go by before he looks toward us. We then say, “Okay, now I will pick you up.” Our son has just enjoyed his first session of uninterrupted play time, and he has given us a non-verbal signal that he is ready to move on.

The key to guilt-free breaks: never interrupt a contented baby.

If we place our baby on his back in his safe bed or playpen so he is free to move, and if we resist the temptation to entertain him (which will over-stimulate him anyway, and wear us out), we can then relax, observe or take short breaks away from the baby while he takes in his immediate world. This personal ‘play time,’ a time when the baby may ponder a shadow on the wall or a solution to world hunger (to be shared in a dissertation years later), will begin with a few minutes here and there, and will later extend to long periods of learning, exploration and fantasy play as the infant develops.

An infant’s uninterrupted play time must be balanced with plenty of intimate one-on-one time with loved ones, and Magda Gerber encourages parents to provide focused togetherness each day while mutually accomplishing chores like diapering, feeding, and bathing. When we take advantage of these activities, rather than rushing through them to make way for ‘playtime,’ and when we give our baby undivided attention, slow down, and invite the baby to participate as much as possible, then both parent and child are refueled by the shared experience. A child who receives a parent’s full attention several times a day can then spend hours happily occupied with independent play, and give parents time for breaks.

Volumes could be written on the rewards of self-directed play and also on the dangers of television, and I will address those subjects in future posts. But what parents must understand is that early exposure to media and other passive entertainment will immediately undermine a child’s innate ability to create play on his own and will perpetuate the very problem the parent is attempting to solve: a child who cannot occupy himself. Children are creatures of habit, and they quickly become used to a life of passivity when we expose them to media. TV and videos are harmful to a baby, period. There are no benefits.

TV and videos are a passive experience for an infant. They do not ‘learn’ from them because they do not understand them. The only way an infant does gain knowledge is by exploring the world around him with all his senses, in his own way and in his own time. This is active learning, and it is as simple as having the freedom to look around a room or examine his fingers and toes. Compare this to being strapped in a booster seat, mesmerized by meaningless words and images cascading from TV set. Surely, no sane or educated person could claim this as ‘educational’.

When we know and embrace a better plan, one that facilitates (rather than thwarts) our baby’s innate potential to explore, examine, create, imagine, solve problems and develop a long attention span for the rest of his life, we feel pride instead of guilt. Children want to actively absorb life — not pictures of life — from the moment they are born. The real baby Einstein would have known that.

3/11/10, Informative update on Disney and the CCFC HERE

I remember nothing else about the article, but I could not get Gerber’s unconventional advice out of my mind. I was, at that point, a lost and desperate new mother, who, in spite of reading books and getting plenty of well-meaning advice from relatives and friends, was miserable with the clueless, catch-as-catch-can feeling I had about the way I was caring for my newborn. I sensed that Magda Gerber held the answers I needed to understand child rearing. A few weeks later I called the phone number for Gerber’s organization, Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), and I attended a Parent/Infant Guidance Class with my three-month-old baby. But first let me backtrack a bit.

I was stunned that my natural maternal instincts didn’t suddenly kick in after my first daughter was born. I expected to know how to take care of my baby. I found that I did not, and the constant uncertainty was draining. I was exhausted and perplexed by my beautiful bundle of unrelenting demands. Besides fulfilling her physical needs, I felt I should entertain her in every waking moment, resting only while she slept.

In my quest to keep my baby duly occupied at all times, I made essential use of the modern contraptions commonly marketed for new parents. She had a musical mobile over her bed. (God forbid she should open her eyes without entertainment!) She had a mechanical swing that lulled her into a glassy-eyed, trancelike stupor and sometimes made her briefly sleep, but left her parents feeling uneasy. During the day, I hung a musical stuffed cow from a light fixture and played it again and again for her as she sat strapped in an infant seat on the dining table, and the mystifying fact that the cow played “Mary Had a Little Lamb” only added to my crazed confusion. I was overwhelmed, anxious, and panicked, and I wasn’t even sure why.

When I brought my daughter to our first Parent/Infant Class, the facilitator asked me to lay her on her back on a blanket on the floor. For two hours she lay awake, looking around a bit, sucking her thumb from time to time. I saw a unique person, separate from me in every way. I saw an infant with her own thoughts who didn’t need me or a musical cow–she didn’t need anything for two hours! It was a parental epiphany. I found new appreciation for my infant as a whole person, no longer seeing her as a needy extension of me. I was fascinated by watching her and trying to imagine her thoughts. On top of that, I was now able to envision time in my day to breathe, relax, and enjoy my daughter–and even leave her for brief periods of time while she was awake.

I continued to attend class with my baby once a week. Magda Gerber’s philosophy turned what little I knew about child rearing inside-out. I began to see the world from my daughter’s point of view. I began to understand Magda’s quote in the L.A. Parent article about a child’s creativity. Let’s start with her injunction to take the mobile off the bed.

Infants are individuals unto themselves. Artists and creative people, whether they are painters, musicians, writers, architects, designers, or philosophers, have by definition embraced and honed their individuality and express a unique vision to the world. If an infant can begin to spend time gazing at, listening to, and later touching and examining what interests him in his surroundings, rather than being forced to see and hear a mobile above his face every time he wakes up, or a rattle being shaken in front of him, then he has a better chance of staying in touch with his own unique essence. There are only a few choices an infant has the opportunity of making in his world, so let’s allow him to make those choices. If we have artwork or a wonderful mobile that we want to share with a child, then we can place it in his room somewhere for him to choose to focus on it, if and when he wishes to do so.

The second part of Magda Gerber’s quotation highlights the need for parents to take advantage of routine but important aspects of caring. If we give an infant our undivided attention when we feed him, bathe him, diaper him and prepare him for bedtime, then we fulfill both his physical needs and his needs for closeness. Magda encourages us to take advantage of these intimate, cooperative activities that are naturally conducive to togetherness, rather than rushing through them to make way for playtime. When a child can soak up a parent’s full attention during caring routines, he is then refueled and ready to play independently.

And this thought brings me to the last part of Magda’s quotation: “leave them alone.”

“Leaving an infant alone” sounds cold and heartless, but the freedom to self-direct “play” time can be best thing for a child. Giving a child (whose basic needs are met) time to himself without interruption breeds creativity and self-confidence. A parent can quietly observe the baby or be in a room nearby. Second or third children in a family are usually given more of this free time because their parents are more relaxed and have less energy to stimulate and entertain. “Benign neglect,” Magda called it.

A recent article in the New York Times, “Your Baby is Smarter Than You Think,” by Alison Gopnik stresses the importance of ‘blue-sky speculation,’ an opportunity to “imagine different ways the world might be.” A baby left alone in a safe place can begin to develop his own view of life. Time alone allows a child to commune with his inner-directed thoughts. He has the chance to absorb every interesting detail in his environment with all of his senses. He is fully in tune with himself; he is at peace.

And this basic insight first conveyed to me by the words of Magda Gerber can have life-long benefits for tomorrow’s complex world. As author Daniel Pink writes in his book, A Whole New Mind, our children need to be prepared to “survive and thrive” in the emerging world he calls the Conceptual Age. Nurturing their blue-sky speculation from the start can provide a strong foundation for developing creative and strategic thinking. “These people—artists, inventors, designers, storytellers, caregivers, consolers, big picture thinkers—will now reap society’s richest rewards and share its greatest joys.”

Infants are big picture thinkers, if we can just leave them alone to think.

A few minutes later Kiley cries with displeasure. Kiley’s mother, who sits a foot away, picks up Kiley and places her in a sitting position on the floor. This intervention distracts Kiley only momentarily. While she looks about the room from this different vantage-point, Kiley is much less mobile than she was before, and she is unable to reach, stretch or move out of this position without falling. She looks rigid, uncomfortable, trapped. But Kiley’s mother, Susan, seems relieved that her action put a halt to her infant’s crying. “I think she was bored,” Susan declares. But, a minute later, Kiley cries again.

The story of Kiley’s boredom during one of my infant classes at Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) highlights the common myth of new parents who think that babies bore easily, and that it is a parent’s job to rescue a child from boredom. But, as infant expert Magda Gerber knew, the opposite is the reality: babies do not get bored unless parents have conditioned them to require external stimulation and entertainment.

Infants and toddlers, when allowed to explore without adult interference or interruption, are endlessly curious about details of life we have long ago stopped noticing: the corner of the wall molding, dust particles in the sunlight, ceiling fans, and bumps in the Berber carpet all fascinate. These may not sound like adventure to us, but for an infant they are a buffet of different patterns, colors, sizes, and textures that make up a diverse world. An infant’s self-initiated exploration of his world provides in-depth learning and promotes a long attention span.

Infants are eager to absorb every element of their environment, but parents err when they take advantage of this sensitivity by exposing the baby to learning tools like ‘educational videos.’ The young child cannot make sense of the moving pictures and sounds on a television screen. And while he attempts to filter the overwhelming stimulation that even the most basic show emits, he eventually learns to desensitize, which sets him up for diminished learning abilities later in life. His inclination to actively seek to understand his environment is discouraged. Teaching and entertaining a baby, especially with videos, is the quickest route to a passive, dependent, and easily bored child.

If instead, we trust a child to strengthen his learning abilities through natural, self-directed exploration, we will observe our baby engrossed in activity for longer periods of time than we might think possible. We have the added pleasure of seeing the world anew through our child’s eyes; even the most mundane trivia gets a fresh glance. In a recent class, a toddler discovered a magnificent indentation in the wall that I had never even noticed!

If we give the infant the opportunity to seek out safe discoveries that interest him, rather than showing him the things we think will interest him (usually things that, in fact, interest us), then the world will be his oyster. Boredom is not a natural part of an infant’s repertoire.

Babies and children, while immune to boredom, definitely can become tired. Indeed, we would soon grow tired if we spent several minutes imitating the movements of Kiley or Chase. In addition, because an infant is sensitive and absorbent, and lacks the adult ability to “tune out,” he is easily overstimulated. When an overwrought child’s cry is mistaken for boredom, a parent may then compound the problem by creating yet further stimulation. What is really needed is a rest. The result is predictable: an even more overstimulated and exhausted baby.

The simple fact that an infant grows more rapidly in the first year of life than he does at any other time makes it plausible that an infant tires easily, and a child’s cries are most commonly related to fatigue. “I think what is typically called boredom is tiredness,” Magda Gerber once wrote in her book, Your Self-Confident Baby. “I don’t believe that babies become ‘bored’ in an adequate environment. Rather it is our projection: we think they are bored.”

Young children also cry sometimes when they are struggling with a new skill or movement. If they are not excessively tired, they can manage a little of this frustration. Susan could have leaned her face close to Kiley’s and said with encouragement, “I hear you crying. Are you trying to move out of that position? You’re having a hard time.” And then if the crying did not stop, Susan might have continued, “You sound tired. Would you like me to pick you up?” Kiley might then make a move, give a look, or even reach her hand out towards her mother in response. “Okay. I’m going to pick you up.” Susan could then give Kiley a break, allowing her to rest in her arms for awhile. And if the crying still lingered, then it might have been time to bring Kiley home for a nap.

If we accept the premise that children, beginning in infancy, do not experience boredom unless they become accustomed to passivity, constant stimulation and entertainment, how do we explain an older child’s vocalization of boredom? How should we respond when a child says, “I’m bored, what can I do?” As the parent of three children, I have the joy of experiencing this occasional scenario. It’s usually just encouragement that is needed, and I offer a gentle nudge: “Hmmm, let’s look around. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

Harder to bear is the telltale “I’M BORED!” in an ear-splitting and demanding whine. In my experience, this hyperbolic expression of boredom only occurs when children are seriously tired, which is perfectly sensible. No one wants to initiate activity and find something new to do when they’re exhausted. Of course, my kids, today, are never thrilled when I answer, “Lie down and rest!”

‘Luckily,’ I found hand-me-downs from family and friends, and so I was well-equipped with a bouncy seat, electric swing, and a couple of C-shaped pillows in which you can place the baby in a sitting position. If I had added walkers, jumpers and baby saucers, my gizmo inventory would have been complete.

Later I learned that the real requirements for a newborn are a crib, bassinet or co-sleeper, a car seat, carrier (and/or stroller), a changing table, and doorway gates — so that safe play areas can be created. Playpens make life with a young infant easier, especially if you can buy or borrow two, and have one outside also.  The other stuff is not only a waste of money, but can even be detrimental to a baby’s development.

If a voice of reason could be heard through the din of marketing, consumerism and peer pressure, all of which prey upon a new parent’s self-doubt, it would say: “What did babies do before all this gadgetry existed? Did babies walk before there were walkers, jump before there were jumpers? Were children long ago deficient, unintelligent, physically awkward, slower and less capable? Were they less loved?” 

Similarly, we can ask whether today’s high-technology for babies gives parents more free time. My sense is that they do not. In fact, when we place an infant in constrictive apparatuses or parent-controlled positions, we can create a habit of dependency that can later undermine our quest for free time. The baby who gets used to being situated by adults is inclined to continue to require adult attention, instead of developing the joyful habit of independent play.

An infant can move most freely when he is placed on his back.  Some doctors suggest ‘tummy time’ for an infant as young as one or two months old. But infant expert Magda Gerber and her mentor, pediatrician Emmi Pikler, believed that infants should be trusted to ‘discover’ the tummy position when ready, without our assistance.

Here’s an experiment: lie on your belly and then lie on your back; compare the two positions with respect to comfort and mobility. Now imagine you have limited upper body and neck strength and can barely lift your head. Do you feel stuck? An infant placed on his back in a safe place can see all around him, stretch, arch his back, move his limbs freely, examine his hands and feet, even find his thumb and self-soothe. Our body functions best when we are free to move. I found evidence of this fact when I visited a friend and her son.

Cheryl’s four-month-old boy spent most of his waking hours in a bouncy seat, a seat that elevates his back to an almost vertical angle and secures the baby by a T-strap at the bottom of the chair. I used a bouncy seat with my first baby, too, and would never dream of mentioning possible  ’downsides’ of using the seat to Cheryl.  Even if she asked, I’d be hesitant to say something that might sound judgmental. Most of us are extremely sensitive to perceived criticism as new parents (now how would I know that?)  

But when Cheryl shared her worries about her son’s constipation, I had to bite my tongue. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I was unnecessarily stuck in that seat all day, unable to stretch or move without feeling myself slip down the seat, I’d be ‘irregular’ too!

There are not only physical, but also possible emotional consequences when a baby is strapped into a seat or propped up. As infant expert Magda Gerber cautioned, “Every time we put an infant in a position she cannot change all by herself, we deprive her from moving freely. So she feels passive, helpless, and less confident.”

Doctors often advise parents to place an infant in a sitting position when he is six months old. However, just as a baby rolls when he is ready, a baby also finds his own ability to move from a horizontal position on the floor to sitting upright when he is able. When the child achieves this position naturally he can smoothly transition himself back into a horizontal position for mobilization when he wishes.

Doctor’s ‘checklists’ neglect to acknowledge the wide range of normal motor development, and often breed parental fear and doubt. Worry that our child will ‘fall behind’ is one of the reasons we all find it difficult to resist the temptation to place our baby in a sitting position or hold him up to stand. Another is that adults see the world from an upright position, and we perceive it as preferable to a horizontal view. Our child may seem to like it, especially when that is what he’s used to.  (He might also like to devour a giant hot fudge sundae, but that doesn’t mean we’d give him one! )  

Parenting is sometimes looking beyond the moment, the week, or even the month to establish healthy habits that serve our child best in the long term. Encouraging natural gross motor development is worth the effort.

If our infant is accustomed to us placing him in a sitting position, then he may become less willing to attempt his own positions independently. Rather than enjoying all he can do, he gets in the habit of expecting the parent to intercede. This was the dynamic I observed between Robert and Shelly.

Seven-month-old Robert cried while lying on the floor until his mother, Shelley, placed him in a sitting position. I had been trying unsuccessfully for weeks to encourage Shelly to allow Robert more time on his back.  A few times, we’d seen him roll to his stomach and began to scoot forward. But, even though his mobility was completely hampered while sitting, he now wanted to do what he was used to doing, or perhaps he wanted to do what he thought his mother expected. Instead, he lost his balance, fell and cried again. Robert’s helplessness was reinforced by his mom’s well-meaning actions.

When our infants are free to develop motor abilities without artificial aid or the restriction of baby apparatuses, they progress independently and confidently in their own unique way. The biggest challenge for parents is also one of the biggest gifts we can bestow on a child: waiting for readiness.

“At RIE we believe that the infant should be able to move and explore freely, to choose and change his own body position, to come and go as he wants — within the safe and challenging environment we create.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect