I hear (or read) statements like Mama Birth’s all the time.  It doesn’t matter what school of child care thought or the specifics of the discussion, someone always concludes “there isn’t a method that can work for every child because each baby is unique.”  And that usually ends the discussion.

Although I couldn’t agree more about each child being unique, I disagree about there not being a universal, one-size-fits-all child care approach — because I know one. It’s summed up perfectly by RIE Associate Elizabeth Memel when she welcomes new parents to her Parent/Infant Guidance Classes: “I’m not your teacher — your child is your teacher.” (Wish I’d said that.)

Our unique babies are the only people on the planet who can teach us all we need to know about raising them. So one-size-fits-all parenting is about learning how to become better students. Here’s infant expert Magda Gerber‘s foolproof way to do that…

1. Trust

We need a basic trust in our babies as capable communicators and initiators — fully human and active participants in life. The expression “seeing is believing” has to be reversed. Young children, especially the most immobile, pre-verbal ones can’t show and tell us unless we believe they can and give them room.

2. Observe

Sensitive observation, focused attention, really taking the child in without interference is the key to understanding babies and responding appropriately. Through observation we can detect everything from the early stages of tiredness (and be able to prepare children for sleep ahead of the curve) to what they might be learning while they play, when not to interrupt.  Magda Gerber’s story illustrates…

“Once many years ago, I saw an infant lying on the floor who was trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way. I didn’t see anything, but I knew that the child saw something. Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow, and that’s what the child saw. That experience stayed with me as a symbolic reminder, so that now when people do things, I want to say, “That child may just see the rainbow — don’t interrupt. Wait.”

(from Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect)

This story is also about trust, trusting that our baby’s choice of activity has value and is “enough”.

3. Listen

If I had it to do over, I’d definitely try the Dunstan method for decoding baby language…it fascinates me! I know, I know, someone’s bound to tell me it doesn’t work for every baby. But listening does. True listening means finding the strength to hear babies when they cry, since that’s the way they communicate a variety of needs and feelings. It means making the effort to understand before responding, especially when those responses mean placing something in the baby’s mouth, because that discourages further communication.

Lu Hanessian (from Parent2ParentU) provided a vivid illustration recently when she suggested substituting the word ‘communicate’ for ‘cry’.  And yet, there are experts who will tell you not to let your baby ‘communicate’.

When our goal is to prevent babies from crying, we end up assuming needs, doing well-intentioned but misdirected things like feeding them when they’re tired or playing with them when they’re over-stimulated.  Observe and listen. Really listen. Your baby is listening to you, and she deserves the same respect.

Keeping the lines of communication open becomes even more vital as our children grow. These lines are delicate. They can easily become blocked and even “downed” when we routinely ignore or respond judgmentally to our baby’s cries; lose patience with our toddler’s tendency toward overreaction; or say just about anything to our teenagers (!).

This lesson was brought home recently when my husband and I went through a rough patch with one of our children. We were alarmed and confused as to how to handle it, seriously doubted ourselves.  Once again, the answer turned out to be listening and trusting our daughter to know herself.  (Thank you, Magda, for guidance that keeps on giving!)

4.  Talk, long before they do

Encourage communication by talking to children respectfully.  Tell infants and toddlers before you pick them up (better yet, ask first). Show children through your actions and words that you want them to communicate with you. Let them know you understand what they’ve communicated and they’ll keep letting you in.

5. Slow down

Tuning in to young children is impossible without slowing down to their speed.

6. Get outside!

Moving your life outdoors as much as possible has nothing specific to do with learning about babies, but communing with nature is a one-size-fits-all, foolproof ticket to enjoying life and parenting.

Here’s inspiration… Observe this 6 month old baby’s discovery. Listen to his joy. Trust that his inner-directed activity is not only enough, it’s just perfect. (This is a 30 second snippet from a long, uninterrupted play period.)

And that reminds me of another thing…

7. Revere play

Do you have foolproof parenting ideas to share?

(Thanks so much to Kerry and Kobe for this enchanting video!)

(Photo by Brianfit on Flickr)

Dear Janet,

I stumbled on your blog through the guest post on “tummy time” when my daughter, now six months, was about two months old.  I was totally captivated by the video of Baby Liv and then spent hours reading your whole blog.  Very quickly I just had this enormous sense of relief come over me: I hadn’t realized how tense I had been until I discovered how amazing this feeling was!  And on the same day that I started reading about RIE, the baby caught my sense of peace right away.  Suddenly she started sleeping more, in part because I didn’t jump up every time she stirred.  She wasn’t taking really short naps, I found—she was having wakeful periods (sometimes very vigorous wakeful periods) in the middle of long naps that I had been destroying by picking her up too quickly.

What relief to realize that my young baby needed her own space and time: that I didn’t need to be entertaining her every minute or teaching her the alphabet in order for her to develop.  I could trust my child to grow up, and I could help her along the way.  Wow–my whole perspective shifted, and I became so much calmer.  So did my baby!

But RIE has turned out to be an unexpected source of comfort in other ways.  As a result of a rare condition, I’ve suffered several vertebral fractures over the last couple of months, and my spine is still very delicate.  This means that for the next year or so, I have to be extremely careful.  I simply can’t pick my baby up or “wear” her (you’re right, it’s a terrible term), for I risk even worse permanent disability.  I can, thankfully, still hold her in my lap if someone hands her to me.

If I was still under the sway of attachment parenting (which I do think is different from RIE, and which I believe encourages, perhaps inadvertently, the anxieties of new parents to develop into self-destructive behaviors and worries), this would be completely devastating.  After all, it would mean that my child would fail to properly attach, that I was an insufficient mother, that we would all be emotionally stunted by my physical limitations.

But under RIE, my physical value as a mother is rather limited.  I am not a beast of burden for my child.  Rather, I can sit and watch her play and comment.  I can read books to her.  I can play games with her.  I can empathize with her and talk to her.  And all of that is considered plenty.

So, I am incredibly grateful for your work and that of Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler.  You will all have made my child’s infancy so much happier for us.

With so many thanks,

Jennifer

“Parents often say to me, “I want to hold my baby all the time to show him how much I love him.” Most animals can show affection only through touch, but we humans have an extensive, varied and refined repertoire of ways to demonstrate love. To me, a mature, evolved person shows love by respecting the *otherness* of the beloved. You become a good parent not only by listening to your instinctive messages but by paying close attention to your baby, by observing the infant. Sensitive observation flows from respect.” – Magda Gerber

(Photo by cheriejoyful on Flickr.)

My daughter’s no slacker. Now a freshman at a top university, she’s always been a high achiever and managed to find balance and have a really good time. My two younger children, both busy, accomplished students, also seem to handle stress remarkably well.

Unfortunately, the results of recent research align with my daughter’s discovery in class.  According to a study reported on msnbc, “…five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era. The findings, culled from responses to a popular psychological questionnaire used as far back as 1938, confirm what counselors on campuses nationwide have long suspected as more students struggle with the stresses of school and life in general.”

The question is, what to do about it?

I don’t claim to have the answer to helping overstressed college students, but I give credit for my children’s apparent immunity to the effects of stress to infant specialist Magda Gerber.  Through Magda I learned how to minimize stress beginning in the early, formative years. She also taught me that the real secret to raising children who stress less is nurturing their natural ability to cope with stress, process and offload it.

Here are some details…

Minimizing stress

1. Be responsive and communicative

Tune in and respond to babies. Observe sensitively and learn to interpret their cries and signals. Tell babies what you are doing with them (like picking them up) before you do it. Begin this two-way communication with babies at birth. Invite babies to participate in their care from the very beginning.  

2. Keep it simple, safe, peaceful, predictable, age appropriate

Becoming a parent is the best excuse you’ll ever have to slow down and simplify your life. Recognize that infants and toddlers are sensitive, absorbent and easily over-stimulated, unable to screen out stimulation the way their elders are. Less is more, safest and best.

“No matter how simple an environment is, a baby may be overwhelmed by too much stimulation,” Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect.  “Allow the infant to develop her biological rhythm first and then slowly ease the infant into to the life of the family.”

And since adults are far less sensitive to stimulation, overstimulation is not something we easily detect. “A infant or toddler’s wide-eyed stare may appear to be surprise or intense interest, but according to newborn infant specialist Dr. Kevin Nugent the child is in fact saying “back off”. “A slight turning away of the head, arched eyebrows and too-wide eyes are all signs that he is over-stimulated.” – “Know Your Baby“, The Irish Times

Children feel calmest, happiest and most confident when they can “get a handle on things”, when they know what to expect and comprehend the things they are exposed to. Consider your child’s readiness before asking her to participate in lessons and classes, going to shows, movies or amusement parks, etc. When in doubt, wait.

3. Protect the developing brain

I know this is a controversial and guilt-inducing subject, but I would love to change the mindset I hear about TV use for babies. Parents have been duped into believing that TV is the best or only way to get a break from caring for their children, and that following the guidelines of the AAP is difficult to impossible. The need for TV is not only a lie, it actually creates dependencies on passive entertainment that work against getting those breaks! Perhaps marketers are perpetuating this lie? Or friends and relatives who want you to do what they’re doing, a “safety in numbers” attitude.

If you want a child who can spend long hours entertaining herself (which will afford you many breaks and make you the envy of all your friends with children); and if you want your child to have the best chance of reaching her educational potential, be able to listen and retain what she learns and need to spend less time doing homework, studying for tests, stressing about school in general; then don’t turn on the TV for the first 2 to 3 years. It is much easier than you imagine. But once you begin using TV, it’s harder.

“I’m not saying that you should keep your child away from TV, but you need to know, it’s no different than putting them on drugs. It’s an effective, but not a harmless way to buy yourself a little peace and quiet.” –Teacher Tom, “Watching Television Is Relaxing”

“…research strongly indicates that [screen-viewing] has the potential to affect both the brain itself and related learning abilities.  Abilities to sustain attention independently, stick to problems actively, listen intelligently, read with understanding, and use language effectively may be particularly at risk.  No one knows how much exposure is necessary to make a difference”, notes brain researcher Dr. Jane Healy in Endangered Minds.

If I could share just one secret to raising stress-free learners, it would be to avoid screen use in the early years.

4. Enjoy “being” together rather than requesting performances

Allow your infants, toddlers and preschoolers to learn through play and encourage them to develop naturally at their individual pace. Follow your child’s lead when he plays rather than trying to direct or teach him. Only your child knows what he is ready to learn.

“Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist at the Rockefeller University, notes that asking children to handle material that their brain is not yet equipped for can cause frustration. Perceiving a lack of control is a major trigger of toxic stress, which can damage the hippocampus, a brain area crucial to learning and memory” -”The Death Of Preschool“, Scientific American

Enjoy your children’s company.  Let them be themselves. Give your children the empowering and comforting message through your interactions that they are “enough”.

5. Have an “all feelings allowed” attitude so that children feel their bright and dark sides wholly accepted and welcome. Then they don’t feel pressured to hide their feelings or be inauthentic in order to please us.

6. Provide the comfort and freedom of non-punitive boundaries

Although young children will seldom express this to us, it’s stressful and even frightening for them when they feel “in charge” and have the sense that they are calling the shots — that their parents will give in to avoid their disappointments and tantrums. Parents were created to be their children’s gentle, empathetic leaders.

Enabling children to relieve and manage stress

7. Encourage play as therapy

Cultivate the habit of uninterrupted, self-directed play so that your child has plenty of opportunities to benefit from play’s therapeutic value. (For more, please read: The Power Of Play Therapy.) As your child grows, continue to provide lots of downtime between activities. Value daydreams and puttering.

8. Encourage children to express feelings

Even young infants need to be listened to when they cry, allowed to release stress and offload their feelings. Contrary to conventional thought, there is not a magical age when this begins. It begins at the beginning.

“Respond to your baby by letting him know that you are there and that you care. First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of feeding or changing your baby, to stop the crying, try quietly talking to your baby. Remember, crying is a baby’s language – it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness.  Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.” –Magda Gerber

9. Encourage children to actively participate in coping with stress and conflict

Allow children to be problem solvers whenever possible, whether it be during conflicts with peers, while playing with toys, putting on clothes, or finding their thumb. Allow children opportunities to do the things they are capable of doing. I share more on this subject in The Truth About Infant Self-Soothing.

“We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” – Gerber

10. Trust and belief in your baby as a competent, inner-directed human being capable of making choices is the key to minimizing and processing stress.

An acquaintance once commented to me about my daughter, “Oh, you’re so lucky she’s self-motivated, you don’t have to push her.” As I nodded my head I thought to myself, “No, she’s self-motivated because we don’t push her.” And, thanks to Magda Gerber, that’s the way it has always been.

I’d love to hear your ideas for helping children deal with stress…

(Photo of my daughter was taken by her friend and I’m pretty sure that’s a phone, not a beer in her hand.)  

References (all of which I recommend):

“Watching Television is Relaxing” by Teacher Tom

“Students report more serious stress”, Children’s health on msnbc.com

“Babies And TV: New Media Use Guideline From The AAP” by  Alice Callahan, Ph.D., Science Of Mom

“The Death Of Preschool” by Paul Tullis, Scientific American

Endangered Minds -Why Children Don’t Think And What We Can Do About It by Jane M. Healy, PH.D.

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby” by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

From early infancy onward there will be occasional moments when two children connect — play “together” – for a few moments, rather than alone or side by side as they usually do. This begins to happen more often toward the end of the second year and into the third. (Our classes generally end when the children are 2 ½ to 3 years old.)  “Together” play might begin as an exploration of another infant’s face, hair or body and evolve into giving and/or taking toys, imitation of one another’s activity, or a spontaneous game of chase. Very occasionally, I see toddlers playing in a cooperative manner – for example, stacking blocks or working on a puzzle together. It’s usually the older toddlers and lasts only a minute or two.

So when I spotted these 1 year olds (!) playing cooperatively and peacefully, and it continued, I was thrilled to have my camera handy. These babies played together for a whopping 7 minutes (though I’ve edited this video to 1 ½ minutes to show just some highlights.)  Just thinking about this scene fills me with hope (for future UN delegates, among other things).

Cooperative play is possible when we…

Trust babies to self-direct play and interact freely. Adults shouldn’t nudge them to play together (or even give them play suggestions), insist they “share”, play “nicely”, “take turns” or “give the toy back”. Stay out of their way, observe attentively and intervene only if a child might hurt another. Allow children to resolve minor conflicts (over toys, etc.)

Model gentleness and patience when we need to intervene, rather than scolding, blaming, separating babies, reacting angrily (Here’s a great video example)

Provide social opportunities in familiar play environments when possible (same place, same people, same rules, similar time of day)

Make it a safe play space so that children feel secure and interruptions for safety reasons are rare.

Perceive babies as whole people – capable, valued citizens of the world, talk to and treat them as such. Model empathy and generosity.

“Children raised with respect and inner direction tend to play well in groups, at times quite peacefully, each involved in her own project or involved with the other chidren.” -Magda Gerber

“When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn’t getting ready to live; a child is living. …we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. Childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life.” -Professor T. Ripaldi

“When we make a child share, it is not sharing.” -Gerber

Imagine you and the grandparents are taking your 14-month-old to the beach for the very first time. For days you’ve all been enjoying fantasies about how you’ll share the magic with your baby: making sand castles, finding shells, sitting under an umbrella with a yummy picnic lunch, holding her hand and wading in the ocean together. But then you get there and your toddler chooses to do something surprising and a little bit odd — it throws you for a loop. She’s in no danger, isn’t bothering anyone and is obviously following her desires, but you worry… Is it okay? Should I try to engage her in the activities I’ve planned or just let her be (and if so, for how long?).

Infant specialist Magda Gerber would strongly encourage you to let go of your expectations and agenda, relax, trust, keep an open mind and enjoy your baby’s play, allowing her to continue her self-chosen activity for as long as you can. She’d suggest you take advantage of the opportunity to join her on this child-led adventure (which Magda referred to as “wants nothing” quality time).

“Most of us are used to, and conditioned to doing something. “Wants nothing” time is different, more a time for taking in and waiting. We fully accept the infants’ beingness just by our own receptive beingness. Our presence is telling the child that we are really there and aware.”  -Magda Gerber

Self-directed play encourages toddlers to be independent thinkers and learners, allows for creative exploration and self-expression, and often serves as play therapy since our babies instinctively know what they’re working on (or working through). Honoring our child’s choices rather than imposing our own validates more than any amount of praise and adulation ever could.

Here’s the vivid example that inspired this post, sent to me by a mom in my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class after she returned from a late summer vacation…

Janet,

I just have to share these pictures with you. To everyone’s amazement, Eva just kept lying down on the sand! She would just lie there and hang out by herself. My parents were sort of shocked and like…’what is she doing?’ I was thinking Magda would be proud and that her actions were a testament to what I’ve learned at RIE…just to let her be her!

xoxox

Tracy 

“This is a free-flowing space in which the child should not feel he has to perform, because the parent is not sending out the kind of demanding messages that say, “I am here now, what shall we do?” –Magda Gerber

“If the infant seems to ignore you and is doing something completely on his own, don’t leave.  It is very comforting for him to know you are there, really there, without any pressure to have to do something to keep your attention.” –Gerber 

“Do less, enjoy more.” -Gerber

“In play, there’s no time.” –Flinsch

(Besides being an exceptional mom, Tracy is an uber-talented artist and “exercise innovator“)

Seeing is believing. In this brief video, not just one, but five extraordinary 14 to 18 month old toddlers demonstrate these things and more… (No actors were hired!)

This is the first few minutes of snack time (traditionally consisting of bananas and water in real glasses) in one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The children choose whether to come to the table and join the party or not. They quickly learn the routine, and because they love rituals and feel empowered by them, they relish each aspect. Previous to this particular class, we’d done snack with this group 7 times.

Some of the snack time rules (hand-wiping, bib-wearing) are not so strictly enforced. Others are, like sitting while you eat, not climbing on the table, and putting toys aside until snack time is over. As you can sense in the video, toddlers don’t feel hampered by these restrictions if they are given respectfully. Instead, they rise proudly to the occasion, or at least seem to appreciate the opportunity to test limits (depending on their mood that particular day).

Notice the way the first girl climbs on the table, then thinks twice about doing it a second time (probably not such an interesting thing to do when she didn’t have my attention, anyway.)

Infant specialist Magda Gerber taught parents and professionals to treat babies in this respectful manner all the time, and to pay special attention during caregiving activities. Whether the activity is feeding, bathing, dressing or undressing, diapering, nail clipping or nose-wiping, Magda suggested we…

1. Slow down. These activities are just as intriguing and educational for children (if not more so) than play. Babies need time to understand what we expect and respond appropriately, time to soak up our attention and intimacy. What’s the rush?

2. Invite participation and ask for cooperation. Babies are ready to actively participate in all aspects of their life from the very beginning, and that’s the way they like it. Rather than do things “to” babies or “for” them, do things “with” them. Be aware that infants and toddlers are developing at lightning speed and are each day capable of participating more actively, doing new things all by themselves.

3. Communicate. Talk babies through all the details, listen and respond to all their attempts to communicate. This is not only respectful, it is the best and most natural way for babies to learn language.

4. Pay full attention. Children need our nurturing presence during caregiving activities. These intervals of focused attention and connection each day refuel infants and toddlers, and make it possible for them to enjoy time away from us, playing independently.

Please share your impressions or questions…

Then, once babies are able to grasp and move, they begin to show us some of their thought processes. (“Hmmm…wonder how this wooden ring would taste and feel in my mouth.” Or “I’m ready to crawl back to mommy for some hugs and refueling.”). In the second year they begin to tell us.

To follow a baby it’s best to discard any play “agendas” we might have, stifle our impulses to entertain, teach, demonstrate or even help. This can be challenging. We’re naturally eager to connect and might find it hard to believe that our supportive presence is enough. But, in fact, it’s even better than enough because it allows our children to engage with us on their terms — by bringing us a toy, for example, or looking at us to indicate their wish for a response. Meanwhile, our quiet attention is distinctly felt by our babies. Remember, babies have an even higher overall awareness level than adults. Recent studies show that they are actually unable to tune out stimuli in their environment and focus solely on one thing. They may not yet know-it-all, but they sense-it-all.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with entertaining babies, showing them toys and how to play with them from time to time. But to encourage baby-led adventures we must keep in mind that we are incredibly captivating, larger-than-life figures to our children. We are life to them. We are the world. So, when we do anything, our child’s tendency will be to focus on us. Encouraging a baby to lead play means we must be patient, observant and responsive in a gentle way so that we don’t interrupt the child’s process. It’s well worth it.

Here’s why…

The child:

1. Designs the perfect curriculum

OK, I admit I have a fantasy about reading babies’ minds. I would love to know what a baby is thinking as he gazes up at the trees, stares at shadows on the wall, feels the breeze, hears the dog barking or daddy’s footsteps and “Hello!” as he walks in the front door.  But in reality, children are the only ones who know what interests them and what they are working on. Given a reasonably enriching environment, each individual baby is capable of designing a curriculum that is meaningful, pertinent and developmentally appropriate for him or her.  Our ideas and decisions can’t compete, and can only distract from the important business at hand. 

2. Accepts limits more readily

When babies are given the freedom to lead their play adventures — allowed to spend much of their time being inner-directed — they accept direction more readily. That doesn’t mean they always obediently follow our wishes (if only!). Infants and toddlers (especially) have a healthy need to resist and disagree. But our directions are much easier for a child to swallow when he has been trusted to be autonomous in his ‘free’ time in a safe play space. When a child has lots of green lights, he is much more amenable to accepting the red and yellow ones.

3. Learns to occupy himself and enjoys doing so

This one’s a big plus for parents, too. Babies allowed to lead their play adventures amaze friends and relatives with their long attention spans and interesting antics. They are a pleasure to be with because they don’t require us to expend energy entertaining them (and don’t need TV, either).  

4. Practices being a leader, innovator, self-learner, explorer

Playtime is the rare opportunity babies have to be a leader instead of a follower, an innovator and initiator rather than an imitator, totally inner-directed. Encourage them to take full advantage.

5. Feels trusted and appreciated

Encouraging baby-led adventures means trusting babies to do what they wish, their way, in their time. So, our baby receives a consistent, profound message from the people who matter most to him…he is interesting and capable, and we wouldn’t change a thing.

The adult:

Does less… learns much more… is surprised, amazed and inspired… enjoys the ride.

Adventures like these are parenting gold – the secret to enjoying our job and the inspiration needed to carry us through even the longest of days. These are precious opportunities to leave our hurries, worries, all our agendas behind and enjoy now.

It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from her. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if she had not been allowed to explore in her own way. With practice, this relaxed sitting back becomes easier. – Magda Gerber

For a demonstration of the benefits of baby-led adventures, here’s a video I’ve also shared in Infant Play – Great Minds At Work and Baby, Interrupted – 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus And Attention Span. Please check my YouTube channel for other vivid examples of independent play.

One more thing… There is a fantastic new book by RIE Associate Alexandra Curtis Boyer that provides a complete guide for fostering infant/toddler play in your home or child care setting. Simple Toys Make Active Babies – Creating A Brain-Building Play Space For Your Baby Or Toddler is small but packed with tools and helpful information about play. If this had been around when my children were babies, I would have referred to it often.

(Photo: My baby’s adventure that day led her to dreamland. She led the dog there, too. I could only follow through my imagination…)

Dear Charlotte,

Such a monumental time in the life of such a monumental girl (funny, I kept typing “momumental”), which must be why this letter has been hard for me to write. I meant to write to you for your 18^th birthday! The thought has been overwhelming – so hard to face the depth of my feelings about my little girl growing up.

“I love you aalllll the best.”

I discovered this in an old journal. Apparently, you said those words to me regularly when you were 2. You were certainly mirroring the love I had for you then, have now, and will always have.

But I don’t just love you — I have never admired anyone more. I would be proud to call you a friend or even an acquaintance. Honestly, I’m a little thrown to be the mother of a person like you. You deeply inspire me. And make me look really good.

You are a loving daughter, friend and teacher. You are unforgettable to anyone who has ever come in contact with you. Every moment with you is etched on my heart. These come to mind…

Dinners

What baby loves restaurants? You did. Our once-a-week (at least) dinners together were some of my most memorable times with you. We talked. We joked. You always rose to the occasion, and we were at our best together — buddies. Strangers were impressed by the joy and intimacy they observed between a mom and her baby and often told me so. We had traditions.  One was repeatedly playing our two favorite songs on the jukebox at the Coral Beach Cantina: “La Bamba” and “Here Comes the Sun.”

Music

Music was always a mutual high for us. One of the first songs that I remember soaring to with you besides “La Bamba” and “Here Comes The Sun” was “We Three Kings” from one of our Christmas tapes. We listened to that zillions of times and not just during the holidays. There was a glorious instrumental bridge that always inspired me to scoop you up and dance with you in my arms. I remember when Dad’s Cousin Tom had been visiting us once and was just leaving, and after he walked out the door I turned on the music, picked you up and starting dancing.  Then he returned having forgotten something and caught us. He looked surprised, smiled, made a polite and hasty exit.

There were many other songs we rocked to over the years. Whether we were at home or in the car I’d always crank up the volume. “She’s So High Above Me”, “Ironic”, “2,000 Miles“, to name a few.  A year or two ago, I remember you telling me that you looked forward to having your own car so you could blast music on the stereo. Wonder who you got that from.

Asking my advice and sharing your pain

I hate it when you’re hurting, but I’m incredibly touched and flattered when you share your difficulties with me. I don’t have the same access to you I did when you were small, and that’s okay, but when you let me in once in a while I feel reconnected and realize again how completely I adore you — how proud you make me.

Helping me

Wow. You may not even know how much you helped me when I shared a painful professional situation with you and you said, “You should be angry.” By being so clear and perceptive, you gave me access to a feeling that I don’t easily recognize or allow myself to feel. In that moment you were not only a great friend but like a parent to me.

Grace

Another wow.  When you were asked to get up at church in front of everyone and share your plans and hopes on High School Senior Day, how did you get the idea to spend most of your time thanking all the parishioners for being so welcoming all these years? Where do you get these incredible instincts, this amazing poise, graciousness, spirituality? Even Ms. Bowles said to me afterwards, “She will never disappoint.” No kidding!

Angels

I had forgotten these secrets you told me when you were 2 and was excited to find them in the journal…

“In my bed, when I close my eyes, I see angels and they protect me… You know what?” Charlotte asked conspiratorially. 

 “What?”

“They sleep in beds.”

“They do?”

“Yes”, she answered, suddenly whispering. “And do you know what color they are?”

“Uh, no…white?”

“No, they’re purple,” she said with quiet conviction, “and their covers are purple, too.”

“Their what?”

“Their covers. Everything is purple. And the angels in my room, they protect me…so I don’t get lost” She paused and then asked, “Do your angels protect you?”

“Yes…yes, they do.”

Since I know you’ll continue to be in close contact with angels, I won’t worry about you in college…much, but I’ll think of you constantly.

And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you loving me “all the best”. I’ll feel blessed, honored to be there whenever or however you might need or want me. Those will be high points of my life. So, please, keep them coming.

I made another discovery in the journal, yet another charming thing you told me often when you were 2…“I want to keep you.” Charlotte, those are my sentiments…exactly.

In order to dance La Bamba

In order to dance La Bamba

You need a little bit of grace

A little bit of grace

For me, for you, ah up, ah up

Ah, up, up

For you I will be, for you I will be, for you I will be…

While I was writing this, Charlotte happened to be out buying a graduation dress in a color I haven’t seen her wear since she was small. Guess.

Watch these babies observe and imitate each another, engaging momentarily and then separating again. See how, at the end of the video, the boy seems to be trying to hold his new friends attention, get the party started.  Note how unconcerned these children are when they don’t get the play object they seem to want, even when it is taken from their hands. Left to their own devices, they usually amaze us by working things out better than we ever could.

This is the way babies choose to play together, and when we allow them this freedom, they are thoroughly entertained, enriched, stimulated and inspired by each other’s company.

Social “baby steps” like these are made possible by…

Safe, enclosed play spaces and safe, simple, lightweight toys so that the babies can explore freely and the adults are able to relax, observe and enjoy them rather than worry or interrupt because of safety issues.

The close observation of a nearby adult, who intervenes only when necessary, provides boundaries for physical safety between the children and lends emotional support.

Parents and caregivers who support and cultivate the joyful habit of self-directed play by providing plenty of opportunity for play each day. 

A familiar environment with consistent expectations

The emotional security we provide by giving undivided, one-on-one attention during care-giving activities, i.e., feeding, diapering, bathing, and bedtime rituals

Parents and caregivers who trust infants to be social self-learners

Note: Since the initial interactions between these boys (captured in the video), they continue to be drawn to each other in class every week. I’m looking forward to sharing a Baby Buddy Movie sequel soon!

Please share your impressions…

In a recent RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class, a 10 month old infant presented vivid examples of self-directed, active learning through independent play and, thankfully, I had the camera rolling. Watch this baby developing gross and fine motor skills, problem solving, experimenting with objects, movement and sound (notably endearing vocals in this case). You see his long attention span (each play segment was edited for length) and sense him taking pride in his accomplishments.

Here are some things to note in the video…

Problem solving

The boy solves the first problem successfully when he realizes he needs two hands to pick up the blue ball. Later he struggles to separate two plastic baskets and isn’t able to, but notice how unbothered and unstressed he is! He just moves on to something else. Children are not easily discouraged and don’t expect to resolve every issue unless they are accustomed to adults fixing things for them.

Motor skills

Babies need plenty of opportunities to initiate the natural development of motor skills as this boy does through manipulation of the ball, car, jar, bottle, etc. You also see him crawling, sitting, practicing standing (and getting down again) and taking some first steps (!) by pushing the chair and the bottle.

Sounds

Babies experiment with vocalizations and sounds they make with objects, and often mimic or echo sounds they hear. If you listen closely you’ll notice this boy repeating the tapping sounds another child is making.

Intervention

There is only one unsafe item in the RIE classroom, and the babies are (of course) drawn to it. It’s a floor seat (called a BackJack) with a metal frame that can fall on a baby when a parent isn’t sitting on it. Watch how a mom (not the baby’s) sensitively and respectfully handles the floor seat issue, validating rather than discouraging the baby’s exploration. I have the most amazing parents in my classes!

Responses

While observing children engaged in independent play, my goal is to be responsive while taking care not to interrupt. The way I usually gauge a non-intrusive response is to wait for the baby to initiate it. So, when the baby looks towards me or talks to me I say something about what he’s doing. In this video you’ll see some examples, including me starting to say “I hear that sound”, but then changing my mind midstream and inventing a new word, no doubt causing linguistic confusion for this adorable boy for many years to come.

Okay, on with the video…

Please share your observations!