Being clear and direct is the kindest, most respectful way to handle non-negotiable issues like car seats. Toddlers just want to know what we expect. They need to feel confident that we will consistently, calmly follow through (well before we get impatient or angry) and be assured that any negative reaction they have is understood by us. Here’s more…

Dear Janet,

I’m the proud mother of an adorable 15 month old son.  Our home is very baby-proofed so he is free to move and explore his surroundings without hearing a series of “no’s”.  We also maintain a very consistent schedule so he transitions between eat, sleep, and play periods with ease.  Our problem is the car seat. He HATES it.

About 70 percent of the time I try to put him in his car seat he has a full blown tantrum.  He has always really hated riding in the car, but I have a feeling that I might be exacerbating the issue by occasionally letting him explore the car and pretend to “drive”.  (The keys aren’t in the ignition and I’m right by his side the entire time.)  I’m wondering if I’m doing him a disservice by sending mixed messages.

He currently doesn’t say any words, so I’m not sure how much he would understand if I said “today we’re riding- not playing”. I’ve tried that before, but it doesn’t seem to help.  I react to his tantrums by pinning him down, strapping him down and moving on.  Usually he stops crying before we even get out of the driveway. Even though the tantrums are short I’d still like to have less of them, if possible.   I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thank you,

Abbie

Hi Abbie,

Sorry this response is so late. A couple of thoughts…

1. Your boy definitely understands your words even though he doesn’t talk yet. He needs clear, brief explanations and acknowledgments of his feelings. He needs to know a little beforehand when you will go to the car and get in the car seat and not have time to play. “Today we’re riding — not playing“ is not explicit enough. Better to say something like: “I know you like to play in the car, but today we will go to the car and go right to your seat. After your nap, we will have time to play in the car.” Be sure to make eye contact.

2. It’s okay to do both playing and not playing, as long as you clearly let him know.

3. Crying when restricted is completely normal and expected at this age. Most infants and toddlers like feeling free to move. The more calm and assured you are (it will probably help make you more so when you know you’ve told him beforehand) the easier it will be for him to accept doing what he doesn’t want to do.

This holds true every time your wishes clash, which may be more often as you are entering the toddler years. Be clear, direct and confident, even in the face of his complaints and cries. Once he has expressed his differing opinion (which is healthy, healthy, healthy for him to do), your son will be able to move on. It sounds like you are already experiencing that.

Remember that your boy is unable to say in words, “I don’t want to be confined! I want to move.” So, all he can do to express himself is cry about it (and he may be releasing other pent-up feelings as well). It does not mean that he is traumatized!

4. Sometimes it helps to give him a simple choice like, “Would you like to climb into the car seat yourself or have me pick you up?” He feels more autonomous and can “save face.” Soon he’ll be able to latch the seat himself and you can let him chose that, too. If he still resists after you’ve given him a moment to begin doing those things himself, you may end up saying, “You don’t seem able to go in yourself, so I’ll have to help you.”

5. Problems happen when we try to avoid cries or are afraid to be decisive leaders. If we waffle, that makes the child feel uneasy, unsettled, and usually makes the eventual tantrum last longer, leads to more resistance about the car seat and other things. When we are tentative, we leave our child in an uncomfortable state of limbo.

It sounds to me like you are handling everything well, but definitely communicate with him more. He needs to know what’s going on. And don’t forget to empathize and acknowledge when he is upset, “I know you didn’t want to get into the car seat, and I’m sorry I had to make you do it. I know that’s upsetting!”

Hope this helps…

Warmly,

Janet

Janet,

Thank you so much for your feedback!  I follow you on Facebook and enjoy reading every single one of your posts. It has really helped to make me a more relaxed, confident parent.  My son’s ability to play independently is pretty amazing. Many people have commented on it. Thank you very much for you advice on how to react to his tantrums.

We’ve pretty much moved past the power struggles over the car seat, but as you can well imagine, there are still plenty of other issues to disagree about. You once wrote something about being a “calm, confident CEO”, and it has really stuck with me.  When I need to set a limit I really don’t get worked up or emotional. I’m always amazed by how quickly he moves on.  And I guess I move on pretty quickly, too!

I think the most important thing for me to remember is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Thank you for the healthy reminder.

 Thanks for listening,

 Abbie

(Photo by Flat-Back 66 on Flickr)

I don’t want to spank my child, but what I do want is to make him do some manual labor as I talk to him about what he did wrong and why. When I say manual labor, I mean take away the luxuries we share in life and make him/her do it with his/her own two hands such as doing the dishes by hand. So, while I help him/her work through the mistake he/she made, he also realizes not to take for granted the luxuries we have today due to technology. She disagrees. We don’t even know the gender of our child yet, but this is a topic that keeps occurring in our conversations. We both would like to put it to rest so we are turning to an expert, whom we believe to be you.

Thank you,

Mitchell

Hi Mitchell,

Thanks for trusting me. A couple of thoughts… First, the discipline plan you’re envisioning is for a child older than an infant or toddler, correct?  Here’s an interesting and wonderful thing…handling discipline issues with empathy and respect in the first years usually means that there will seldom be disciplinary situations later on.  Seriously! This is what I’ve found personally and through the experience of many other parents as well.  Getting the first years “right” is the key.

The most effective way to provide discipline in the early years is to define boundaries while maintaining a trusting relationship. This means taking on the role of being our child’s gentle and confident leader. Young children need to be stopped from doing “wrong” things, but in a brief, kind and unemotional way. (I describe this more thoroughly in No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame.)

When treated with honesty, fairness, and empathy — as people who are just learning and don’t yet have self-control — children begin to internalize our values. Even babies know when they are being spoken to directly and with respect. This is a path to self-discipline that serves our children well throughout life, not to mention fostering a close and loving relationship with their parents.

Punishments of any kind tend to take us off that track and foster a more adversarial or manipulative relationship, which is likely to lead to more frequent and difficult discipline issues down the road. 

I love your idea about instilling an appreciation for hard work and the luxuries in life! I do think that there are far better ways to do that than making those lessons a punishment, which will definitely cause your child to perceive them negatively. The most powerful way we teach those lessons (and just about every lesson) is through modeling — being a person who takes pride in hard work, doesn’t mind a bit of struggle and values simpler, low-tech things.

The truth is children usually end up teaching us these lessons. I’ve never known a young child who wouldn’t rather light candles than turn on lights, hold a parent’s hand and walk to preschool, vacation in a tent rather than a hotel, spend all day outdoors, or live in a smaller, cozier house rather than a big one. Children of all ages love to do things themselves. They like to create and build things rather than press a button and have it done for them.  They don’t mind chores, work and struggle, especially if we continue to present those things as positive, interesting parts of life and don’t interfere or “fix” everything for them. (Wait until you see your baby’s “work ethic” as he, for example, struggles to grasp an object on the floor nearby, or figures out how to crawl!)  I guarantee that your child will inspire you to appreciate work and the simple things in life better than anyone else ever could. All we have to do is keep nurturing these innate qualities.

So, my advice would be to learn everything you can about discipline in the early years. Figure out what feels right to you and your significant other to give your baby the best start possible. Prioritize the quality of your relationship with the important person you will soon meet (so exciting!).  Keep life and toys very simple in the first years. Don’t indulge in TV as a babysitter, provide tech devices or the latest toys because the Joneses do. Someday your kids will be proud like mine are, that they were, in one daughter’s words, “TV deprived”. Since they’ve become students they know: “TV makes you dumber, Mom.” 

(Okay, so my son’s a little upset that he’s the only 5th grader he knows without a cell phone… But in their hearts children know that we are thoughtfully considering doing what’s best for them rather than caving in, and they appreciate that.)

Regarding lectures… My personal belief is that they are heard best by our children when they aren’t presented during a disciplinary moment, especially with toddlers.  When you and your little boy or girl are enjoying a relaxing time together, share about your values and philosophies.  Lectures during discipline tend to be interpreted as shaming. With toddlers, saying too much (which means more than just a few words like, “I can’t let you”) can make the child perceive a momentary incident as a major event. Besides being shaming, this often backfires, because our child will impulsively seek out this negative attention and drama again.

I really hope some of this helps. I appreciate the care you and your significant other are taking to figure these things out together ahead of time. It bodes very well for your child, who will soon change your life in the most wonderful way!

Cheers,

Janet

P.S. Here are some posts worth reading:

“Positive Child Guidance: A Look At Discipline vs Punishment” by Amanda Morgan from Not Just Cute

“A Toddler’s Point Of View” by Lisa Sunbury from Regarding Baby

“I’ll Let You Know How It Goes” (insights on preschoolers doing chores) by Thomas Hobson, Teacher Tom

All your ideas are welcome….please share!

(Photo by roland on Flickr) 

I am 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and my son is now 14 months old. He is a very happy boy, but loves getting into EVERYTHING! When we say no, he has started throwing tantrums, crying, flailing himself as we try to pick him up, etc. He also pinches my face, scratches my arm, hits me and grabs my glasses. Lately we have had a lot of stress in our life due to circumstances out of our control, but my son has been acting this way for a while now. However, with being pregnant and feeling tired all the time, I’m losing it! My husband and I both come from families who spanked. And, although we know they meant good and well, we know behavior is a heart issue and we want to make sure we address the heart issues as our children grow up.

I’ve been really impressed with everything you have written and have actually started using your advice in the last 30 minutes and have seen a difference in how my son responds. However, do you have any advice as to his violent actions towards me, how to keep my cool, and how to teach him to stop? I love my son very much, but have had to leave him crying and walk away so as not to cause more harm to him. I know walking away isn’t the best for him emotionally, but it’s better than me losing it and yelling and spanking him out of anger. By the way, we are trying very hard to do gentle disciplining but are still learning how everything works. So any and all advice you can give would be much appreciated.

Thank you so much!

Blessings,

Amanda

Hi Amanda,

Your boy needs a safe place to play. I can understand your frustration and anger when he gets into things, but it is unfair to expect him to stifle his natural, precious and age-appropriate curiosity. He’s supposed to be “getting into everything”.  That’s a big part of his job description as a 14-month-old active learner and it needs to be encouraged. Instead of hearing “no” all the time and sensing his parents anger, he needs a YES place that’s all his to explore. He needs his parents to spend time there with him watching what he does, appreciating him rather than being annoyed by him. So, for both of you, I strongly recommend making a gated-in play space furnished with some appropriate toys and play objects. 

I’ve heard the arguments. I know some perceive this as “jail”, but I can assure you that this is an adult projection. To young children (especially when we establish these spaces early on) a safe space is freedom, comfort, theirs. At your boy’s age, you will have to take care to frame his new space very positively and include him in the “making of it”. For example, asking your boy, “Shall we keep your balls in this basket or on the shelf over here? Should your animals go in this box, or would you like them placed here on the floor in the corner? Please show me where the trucks should go.” Let him take the lead as much as possible. 

Simple Toys Make Active Babies (Creating a brain-building play space for your baby or toddler – for under $100) is a wonderful new booklet by Alexandra Curtis Boyer that will tell you everything you need to know about developing your son’s special play space.

When the new baby enters the picture, it will be even more important for your boy to have his small, protected play haven and for you to have a way to keep inappropriate toys away from your baby.

The play space, which must definitely include special time with you there, will help alleviate some of the tantrums and behavior issues (lots of “green lights” make the red ones easier to accept), but the outbursts won’t disappear completely. They are a healthy element of toddlerhood.

Also, he will sometimes be in places where everything is not available or appropriate for him to explore. Take care to intervene respectfully. Instead of taking something out of his hands or picking him up and moving him away, whenever possible talk to him first. Acknowledge his desire before setting a boundary, “I see you want to touch my glasses. I can’t let you. They are not safe.”

Gentleness and respect will work wonders, but there will still be episodes of crying and tantruming. They are par for the course with toddlers. Remember that tantrums and crying are entirely different from hitting, scratching, etc., and require a different response.

Tantrums and crying are healthy ways for your boy to release his feelings. When he is doing those things he needs you to support, encourage, and stay engaged with him in a calm, empathetic, non-judgmental manner. These expressions of anger, frustration, worry, sadness, etc., are positive and healthy, not a result of something you are doing wrong or a problem that you have to fix. Understanding the value of your boy’s outbursts will help you to not “take on” the feelings and lose your temper.

It is also normal and common for an upset toddler to act out with you physically. This is another expression of the powerful feelings he’s having, but obviously not behavior you can allow or encourage. He doesn’t want to hurt you, but he feels upset way beyond his control. Gently, but firmly block him from doing those things to you.  Hold his hands to stop him if you need to. Take a deep breath and stay calm. Put him down if you are holding him and he begins to hit, scratch or pinch. Stay nearby and acknowledge, “You are very mad because I stopped you from touching the dog’s food. I understand, but I won’t let you hurt me.” Give him free rein to express his feelings, but make it clear that you will not allow him to hurt you.  Be available for hugs when his outburst has subsided.

Sometimes, your boy’s aggressive reactions and tantrums will seem completely unreasonable. Accept them as being exactly what he needs to do. Remember that toddlers are extremely sensitive, and if you are going through something, he is certain to be feeling it, too. If there are specific stressors in your life that you can share, consider sharing with him. Even just saying, “I’ve been upset all day today because of some problems with the house” (or whatever), “I’m sorry I’ve been grumpy.” Feeling your parent’s tension without any idea what it is about can be very stressful for small children.

Hopefully, the knowledge that his behavior is healthy and age-appropriate will help you to gain the perspective you need to remain calm and confident in the face of his storms. Instead of walking away, yelling or spanking, try distancing yourself emotionally, but remaining available (as a therapist would). If it is at all possible, I recommend speaking to a counselor about the emotional triggers you might be experiencing around your son’s outbursts. This is a common issue for adults who were spanked as children.

For more of my thoughts on non-punitive discipline, please read: No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame.

Take very good care and thanks for reaching out!

Warmly,

Janet

I wrote to you last fall with a question about my then-1-year-old and our issues with bath time. Your advice was great, and we got over that hurdle, but I’m hoping you can share your experience and insight with me in another area.

My daughter is now close to 2 and a half, and a daily vitamin has always been a part of our routine without any problems. For the past few months, she refuses to take the vitamin, and after a period of several days without her taking it, we gave it to her while holding her down and trying to get it into her mouth. It’s awful for everyone involved. We try giving choices about when and how she drinks it and offering her a “treat” if she drinks it on her own, but none of that works. 

Recently, we took a break from the vitamin — I figured we were in a rut and she had such negative associations with it, plus I felt that a few weeks off wouldn’t hurt. We tried reintroducing it this week, and it’s the same scenario: complete refusal, pleas from her father and me to do it on her own, and a really awful time forcing it on her. She’s now on an antibiotic, and we’re in the same predicament. The antibiotic is necessary, so we (her father and I) really feel like we’re out of options.

It breaks my heart to have to do something so against her will every day — any advice on what to try?

Many thanks,

Lindsay

                    Hi Lindsay, 

It’s good to hear from you. Here are my thoughts… 

The vitamins and the antibiotics are different in that one is a “soft rule” — you’d like her to take them but it’s not vital (correct?) — and the other is a necessity. In both cases, our emotions, especially worries, frustration, fear, anger or panic, can only get in the way and make matters worse. Be careful not to plead. Pleading makes children feel uncomfortably powerful and creates guilt. Instead, project confidence and remember that you and your husband are the leaders.

With soft rules it helps to let go of our agenda, which is acutely perceived by our child and the reason bribes, treats and distractions don’t usually work, at least not for long. Children are much smarter and more aware than we give them credit for.  So try backing off and giving her more autonomy. Sometimes it’s just about opening our minds a little to new things our child might be capable of doing. There are such a wide variety of fun, child-friendly multi-vitamins in all different colors and shapes. Could she go to the store with you and pick out her vitamins? Then you might ask her in a very relaxed manner each morning, “What color vitamin would you like today?” Hand her the one she chooses, and leave it at that. If you back off she will have “room” to decide to take her vitamin.

Do you give her desserts? If so, the only respectful and logical consequence you might consider would be to say in a calm, honest, matter-of-fact (never scolding) manner, “I won’t be able to give you dessert today if you can’t take your vitamin”.  Since sweets weaken the body, that would make perfect sense to you and to her (although she’ll still complain about it).

The antibiotics fall into the “insist upon” category, and your issue presents an important idea for parents to understand. It’s a parenting scenario most of us have to work hard to feel comfortable with…a pill to swallow (as it were).

Parents were invented because we know better and can therefore guide and care for our children. Acting with our experienced adult judgment will mean doing things against our child’s will. This is especially true during the toddler years, because our children are deeply involved in the healthy and thrilling process of discovering their will for the very first time. They begin to realize that they have a “self” that is separate and different from ours, and they are figuring out all that means and how it works. So when you see situations like yours from the child’s perspective, allowing a child to have her way all the time is…well…letting her down, because to fully explore and understand her will she has to want something different from what you want.

So, rather than feel heartbroken, embrace a positive mindset. Project calm, complete conviction and say to yourself (and maybe even to your child): “I have an extremely special and wonderful child, so I must be the very best parent. That means gently forcing certain issues even though my child cries. It means being empathetic and supportive of my child’s upset feelings, but not feeling guilty or heartbroken, because I’m being an awesome, brave and loving mom.”

This mindset actually prevents us from reaching our “breaking point” and losing our temper, because we are coming from a place of strength, love and honesty. It’s when we try to force the issue from a tense, fearful place or use up our energy and patience on fruitless efforts like coaxing, distracting, pleading or otherwise dancing around the issue that puts us over the edge.

Give her choices about how and when to take her medicine if you can, but if she still refuses you’ll have to insist as gently as possible. Hold her close afterwards if she wants you to and tell her you’re sorry she had to do something she didn’t want to do. But don’t pity her.  You’ve just given your daughter a precious gift and she knows it…the assurance that she matters so much that you’ll risk bearing the brunt of her feelings to kindly do what’s best for her.

                    Warmly,

                    Janet

Lindsay shares “notes on making a simple home with a little family” at Every Little Thing .

(Photo by rreihm on Flickr)

Seeing is believing. In this brief video, not just one, but five extraordinary 14 to 18 month old toddlers demonstrate these things and more… (No actors were hired!)

This is the first few minutes of snack time (traditionally consisting of bananas and water in real glasses) in one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The children choose whether to come to the table and join the party or not. They quickly learn the routine, and because they love rituals and feel empowered by them, they relish each aspect. Previous to this particular class, we’d done snack with this group 7 times.

Some of the snack time rules (hand-wiping, bib-wearing) are not so strictly enforced. Others are, like sitting while you eat, not climbing on the table, and putting toys aside until snack time is over. As you can sense in the video, toddlers don’t feel hampered by these restrictions if they are given respectfully. Instead, they rise proudly to the occasion, or at least seem to appreciate the opportunity to test limits (depending on their mood that particular day).

Notice the way the first girl climbs on the table, then thinks twice about doing it a second time (probably not such an interesting thing to do when she didn’t have my attention, anyway.)

Infant specialist Magda Gerber taught parents and professionals to treat babies in this respectful manner all the time, and to pay special attention during caregiving activities. Whether the activity is feeding, bathing, dressing or undressing, diapering, nail clipping or nose-wiping, Magda suggested we…

1. Slow down. These activities are just as intriguing and educational for children (if not more so) than play. Babies need time to understand what we expect and respond appropriately, time to soak up our attention and intimacy. What’s the rush?

2. Invite participation and ask for cooperation. Babies are ready to actively participate in all aspects of their life from the very beginning, and that’s the way they like it. Rather than do things “to” babies or “for” them, do things “with” them. Be aware that infants and toddlers are developing at lightning speed and are each day capable of participating more actively, doing new things all by themselves.

3. Communicate. Talk babies through all the details, listen and respond to all their attempts to communicate. This is not only respectful, it is the best and most natural way for babies to learn language.

4. Pay full attention. Children need our nurturing presence during caregiving activities. These intervals of focused attention and connection each day refuel infants and toddlers, and make it possible for them to enjoy time away from us, playing independently.

Please share your impressions or questions…

I am at a bit of a loss as to how to move forward with my son. He is 26 months and has recently started saying ‘no’ to all of my requests, regardless of what they are. My husband and I try very hard to pose our responses positively, avoiding ‘no’ as much as possible.  Rather than ‘no throwing food’, we would say ‘please leave your food on your plate’. So, we are not sure where this is coming from. Also it makes things quite difficult. I am hoping you have some advice. 

One example is getting into his pj’s for bedtime. This is now taking well over half an hour because he just refuses to put them on. I am trying very hard not to force him and give him as much opportunity to do it himself as possible, but it is making no difference. He is not throwing tantrums though, just quite matter-of-factly saying ‘no’ and then going about his business. I find myself just sitting there at a loss, not knowing what to do.

If you have any advice at all I would really appreciate it. 

Thank you again for your wisdom.

Kate

Hi Kate,

This made me smile. Your boy sounds adorable! NO is exactly what he should be saying at this time of his life. It is a POWER word key to his burgeoning autonomy. He’s feeling his independence. Don’t let it rattle you in the least. In fact, welcome his differing opinion and acknowledge it. That’s what he wants. Just don’t give in to it.

So, when he says “No, I don’t want to put my PJs on”, stay calm. “Oh, I hear you. You don’t want to put on your PJs. What would you like to wear to bed?” Or maybe, “Which of these (2) PJs will you wear?”  Or, “I hear you don’t want to put on your PJs. Perfectly understandable. But we won’t have time for a book if you can’t get them on in the next 5 minutes.” Or “Would you like to put these on now, or in five minutes?”

The key is to continue to encourage his autonomy and give him options so that he doesn’t feel bossed around. Be effortlessly in charge. Totally unthreatened. Worst case scenario: he sleeps with his regular clothes on. Even then, you could always try, “I want you to be comfortable, so I’m going to help you put these pajamas on now. Or, can you do it yourself?”  Then you might say, “We don’t have time for a book now because you didn’t put your PJ’s on in time, but hopefully tomorrow we’ll get to bed a little earlier. I love you very much… Goodnight.”

Saying “Please leave the food on your plate” might work sometimes, but he may need options there, too. Throwing food is a pretty clear signal that he’s not hungry. I don’t believe that it’s punitive to give children the boundary, “While you are eating, I want your food to stay on the plate. Throwing the food means you are done. I’m going to put the food away for later when you’re hungry again.” 

Does this make sense? Just keep in mind that NO is a very healthy, positive word for your boy to be experimenting with right now, and a reflection of his secure attachment. You might even play a game with him where you offer him a bunch of choices (toys, clothes, food, whatever), and he gets to keep saying NO. I remember spontaneously beginning a game like this with my toddler daughter when she was in the bath. She was playing with the bath toys, pouring water out of a cup or bottle, I think. And when she hesitated a little before doing whatever it was, I said a big NO in a way that she knew was teasing. Then she kept repeating the action and saying, “Say NO to me” with a big smile on her face. And I did, while acting very serious. She got to experience the powerful feeling of going against my “wishes”. That game became an instant favorite to be repeated at every bath. She couldn’t get enough of it!

Hope this helps…

Cheers!

Janet                                                                                          

Hi Janet,

Thank you so much for the advice. I have been trying to give J choices, and it has made a world of difference. I gave him a choice of pj’s, a choice of two stories, that sort of thing. He has really responded well to having some options. Also it has been a big stress reliever for me. Yesterday morning he wouldn’t get dressed. I gave him a choice of clothes but he still refused. So I calmly said that I heard that he didn’t want to get dressed right now and that I was going to make some breakfast, and when he was ready to get dressed to let me know and I would come and help him. He immediately said he was ready to get dressed and have breakfast.  It takes a bit of practice but we are both communicating better.

I try to be calm and respectful, but it is really helpful to have the actual words to say. I did actually say exactly what you wrote.  I felt prepared, J felt heard, and we are happier. 

Thanks again, 

Kate

Kate’s lovely, engaging and enlightening website An Amazing Child celebrates the importance of free, expressive play based learning and is inspired by the educational approaches of Maria Montessori, Rudolf Steiner’s Waldorf Education and the Reggio Emilia Approach. I highly recommend it!

(Photo by Just Taken Pics on Flickr.)

The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things – Magda Gerber

Janet,

On a day when I felt like I have failed as a parent, I found your blog. I have read and read and read — article and entry after entry after article — on gentle parenting, and I just don’t know if it is going to work.

I have a three year old daughter who on most days is difficult, to say the least. She screams, yells, hits, constantly interrupts, tantrums, tells us ‘no’, throws toys, refuses to listen….. There are shining moments when she is well behaved, listens and is wonderful, but it seems like they are few and far between.

I get frustrated. Very frustrated.

We also have an 8mo old son who demands my attention, and my daughter hates it. She is always saying that I HAVE to take care of her first then him. She loves her little brother until I need to give him attention.

We have done time out, toy taking, early bed time, spanking…. Everything that is “normal” to me having come from an authoritarian home . . . but it doesn’t work. Nothing works. The only thing that it does is make everyone involved feel like poo.

My house is chaos. My beautiful girl is not only miserable, but acts like she is scared of us because she hates punishment… our son senses the tension and it causes issues with him. And I feel like a failure as a parent.

I know you are probably swamped with e-mails, but I hope that you get a chance to read this and possibly help enlighten an exhausted momma, because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sincerely,   

Kelly

Hi Kelly,

Please forgive me to taking so long to respond. I have been slow responding to all my emails lately, but especially the ones that I don’t have easy answers for (even though those are probably the people who need responding to most!).

And while I’m apologizing, I’m also sorry for all you are going through, that you are doubting yourself and getting discouraged.

It’s admittedly challenging for me to dive in and understand a family’s dynamics from the information in an email. So when I read I look for clues, and then I try to figure out why those things stand out. In your letter it was this: “she is always saying that I HAVE to take care of her first then him.” That statement, along with her being “miserable” and the fact that she “screams, yells, hits, and so on,” indicates to me that the balance of power between you and your daughter might not be as healthy as it could be. She seems to be under the impression that she can exert control in areas that aren’t hers to lead. She sounds unsettled and uncomfortable, and your responses, interventions, and disciplinary measures seem to be unsettling her even more, rather than easing her mind, addressing her need to test her power, and helping her to feel safe, nested, more comfortable and free.

So, how can we help?

Be a gentle leader
Children need to know without a doubt that their parents are their leaders. This may seem obvious, but it’s easy to get a little confused in this area, especially with a strong, bright and verbal child (I’ve been there).

Sometimes a reticence to set clear boundaries stems from being raised in an overly strict home. Perhaps there is a fear of being too authoritative and repeating patterns of response that our parents modeled — responses that felt unloving, disconnecting or even abusive. Or, sometimes the parent is simply inexperienced at establishing healthy boundaries.

But when we don’t make it clear that we are the loving leaders of the house by setting reasonable, consistent limits and taking control, our child has no choice but to feel out of control.

Believe it or not, your daughter isn’t comfortable being in the position of saying, “you HAVE to take care of me first” (which is very different from saying, “I want you to take of me first!”) She doesn’t want the power that implies. It makes her feel unsafe and uneasy to be 3 years old and making those kinds of statements, but this isn’t something she’s consciously aware of, so it’s difficult for us to see, too.

This out of control feeling leads to more out of control behavior, hence the screams, yells, hits, etc., which then make parents feel out of control. Rather than leading confidently, we might react out of anger, frustration and desperation. We might resort to trying to regain control through punishments like spankings and disciplinary tactics like time-out that result in even more rebellion and disconnectedness. This makes us feel like failures.

Family life is easier and less chaotic for everyone when we are all clear about our roles. So, how do we do that?

1) Set limits calmly, firmly, gently, early
By setting limits early, I mean making situations as clear as possible for your daughter before she even begins to act out. This clarity helps parents, too, because those well-defined boundaries keep us feeling on top of the situation and prevent us from reaching our wit’s end — getting frustrated and angry and resorting to punishments. Here’s an example:

You say to your daughter, “I’m getting ready to feed the baby and put him to bed. I’ll be busy with him for the next half hour. If you need something, I can get it now.”

Then after getting her what she needs (a book from the shelf, a snack, whatever), give her a choice. “You can sit in the room with us very quietly or go to your room and play.” You might even ask, “What will you do in your room while I’m busy?”

Let’s say she chooses staying with you quietly, but doesn’t end up being able to manage it and she’s whiny. “I know it’s hard to wait while I’m busy with the baby, but I need your help. I want you to go to your room and play or look at books until we’re finished. Then I’ll have time to be with you.”

Then let’s say she tries to hit you. You hold her hand. “I won’t let you hurt me. I see you’re upset. You can go to your room and hit your pillows, but I won’t let you hit me.”

As strong as your daughter sounds, I imagine she has (and will continue to have) intense negative reactions when you set limits. Don’t be uncomfortable with that. View the yelling, screaming and crying as healthy and positive releases for her. It’s hard being a toddler and really hard also being a big sister and having to share your parents with someone small, adorable and needy. Acknowledge her feelings whenever possible. “I know it’s hard for you when I’m busy with the baby. It’s so hard and upsetting to have to wait, but I know you can do it.”

Try to relax – or, at least, seem relaxed — and maintain composure even if she’s exploding. Eventually, when she knows you mean what you say and she’s unable to rattle you, she’ll settle into a routine of occupying herself when you are busy with the baby.

I went through something similar with my intense and assertive eldest daughter after my second baby was born. She was 4 years old and would complain, cry, scream and howl when I needed time to feed her sister and put her to bed, which used to take me a whole hour. It was a scene for several days. Finally, she discovered on her own that she could spend that time playing in her room with her dollhouse, and that became her self-chosen routine while I was focusing on her sister. I’ve no doubt that a lot of wild things happened in that dollhouse!

2) Acknowledge her point-of-view, but don’t argue it.
When your daughter expresses her disagreement with the situation, especially if her statement begins with “you have to”, acknowledge it calmly, look beyond it to what she’s feeling when there’s time, but don’t argue (‘no, I don’t have to’), negotiate or otherwise give it power. Your short answer might be something along the lines of a sincere, “Thank you for your opinion, but here’s the plan…” A longer response might delve deeper into acknowledging her feelings, which with a new sibling can include anger and grief over the loss of the one-on-one relationship with the parent. Still, make it clear that you hear her feelings, but that you are making the plan, running the show. She needs empathy, but not the kind of “poor baby” sympathy that makes us go soft on behavior limits. In fact, for a child in transition, consistent, firm boundaries are even more vital.

3) Ask her to help.
Help fulfill her healthy needs for autonomy, competence and participation by asking for her assistance with the baby (and anything else) whenever possible.

4) Give reassurance, one-on-one attention and gratitude.
Assure her that her needs will always be met, even though it won’t always be in her perfect time. And don’t forget to provide periods of undivided attention that she can look forward to regularly. Most importantly, don’t forget to thank her for the “shining moments when she is well behaved, listens and is wonderful.”

Hopefully these suggestions will help your daughter understand that her opinions and feelings are always welcome and understood, but family decisions (like whose needs are being met when), will always be made by you, no matter how much she objects. This should help ease her mind (and at least some of the chaos you’re dealing with!).

Please keep me posted!

Warmly,
Janet

For further guidance, please read this wonderful article by Amanda at Not Just Cute: “Roots And Wings: Setting Boundaries And Giving Choices,”  and check out my various posts on discipline and siblings.

Please share your experiences…

Apparently, redirection often works — at least momentarily — and I can appreciate that it allows mom, dad or caregiver to remain the good guy. I love being the good guy! Instead of saying, “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. Here’s some paper if you want to draw,” it’s easier and less likely to cause friction if I ask enthusiastically, “Can you draw me a silly face on this piece of paper?” So, I may save my sofa in the nick of time, but my child has no idea drawing on it is not okay, and may very well try it again. Well, at least there are no tears — I’m still the good guy! And right there is the first problem I have with redirection…

1) Phoniness. I don’t like acting all perky and upbeat when I’m really a little annoyed. Besides making me feel like a big phony, I don’t think it’s good modeling or healthy for my relationship with my children. As uncomfortable as it is to face the music (or markers on the sofa), I believe children deserve (and need) an honest response. No, we shouldn’t react angrily if we can possibly help it, but we don’t have to perform or be inauthentic either. Staying calm, giving a simple correction and a real choice (like, you can draw on paper or find something else to do) is all that’s needed.

Yes, the child may get upset — he has a right to his conflicting opinion and his feelings. It’s good for him to vent and for us to acknowledge, “You really wanted to draw on the sofa and I wouldn’t let you.” Children are capable of experiencing these kinds of safe, age-appropriate conflicts. Which reminds me of my second objection to redirection….

2) Wastes opportunities to learn from conflict. Our children need practice handling safe disagreements with us and with peers. When our infant or toddler is struggling with a peer over a toy and we immediately suggest, “Oh, look at this cool toy over here…,” we rob him of a valuable opportunity to learn how to manage conflicts himself. Directing our child to another identical toy, if there is one, might be helpful if children seem really stuck, but even then the infant or young toddler usually wants the one that has “heat” in another child’s hands. Often the children are far more interested in understanding the struggle than they are in the particular toy. But whatever their focus, young children need time and our confidence in them to learn to resolve conflicts rather than avoiding them.

3) No guidance. What does a child learn when we direct him to draw a silly face rather than just telling him not to draw on the sofa? Infants and toddlers need us to help them understand the house rules, and eventually internalize our expectations and values. Redirection distracts children during a teachable moment instead of helping them benefit from it.

4) Underestimates and discourages attention and awareness. Redirecting a child means asking him to switch gears and forget what has taken place. Is this lack of awareness something to encourage? An article I read recently on the subject (“Understanding Children”) suggests, “Since young children’s attention spans are so short, distraction is often effective.”

Even if I agreed about children having short attention spans, which I don’t (see video), distracting them from what they are engaged in seems a sure fire way to make them even shorter.

On the other hand, children who aren’t used to redirection don’t buy it. They can’t be fooled, coaxed or lured away from marking up the sofa (unfortunately!). Encouraged to be fully present and aware, they need a straight answer, and they deserve one.

An aware child may be less convenient sometimes (when we can’t trick him with sleight of hand, “Oops, the cell phone disappeared, here’s a fun rattle instead!”), but awareness and attentiveness are essential to learning and will serve him well throughout his life.

5) Respect. Redirecting is cajoling, distraction and trickery that underestimates a toddler’s intelligence — his ability to learn and comprehend. Toddlers deserve the same respect we would give an adult, rather than this (from a website about parenting toddlers):

Distract and divert. The best form of toddler discipline is redirection. First, you have to distract them from their original intention and then, quickly divert them toward a safer alternative. Give them something else to do for example, helping with the household chores and soon they will be enjoying themselves rather than investing a lot of emotional energy into the original plan.

How distraction can be construed as ‘discipline’ is beyond me, but more importantly –would you distract an adult in the middle of a disagreement and direct her to mop up the floor? Then why treat a younger person like a fool? I believe that we can trust babies to choose where to invest their emotional energy. Only babies know what they are working on and figuring out.

Here are some alternative responses that not only work, they feel respectful and authentic:

Breathe first… unless there is a marker making contact with our sofa or a fist making contact with our toddler’s buddy’s head, in which case we quickly take hold of the hands and/or markers as gently as possible. But then — we breathe.

Remain calm, kind, empathetic, but firm. In the case of a peer conflict, narrate the situation objectively without assigning blame or guilt. Infant expert Magda Gerber called this ‘sportscasting’. “Jake and John are both trying to hold onto the truck. It’s tough when you both want to use the same thing… You’re really having a hard time…” Allow the struggle, but don’t let the children hurt each other. “I see you’re frustrated, but I won’t let you hit.”

Acknowledge feelings and point of view. When it’s over, acknowledge, “Jake has the truck now. John, you wanted it. You’re upset. When Jake’s done you’ll be able to use it. Maybe there’s something else you’d like to use.”

Be fully available to respond with comfort if the child wants it.

After our response to a behavior like drawing on the sofa, and after we’ve allowed the child to cry, argue, or move on as he chooses, while offering empathy and comfort, we can acknowledge his point of view. “You thought the sofa needed decorating, but I said no.”

Recognize achievement and encourage curiosity. The use of distraction and redirection reflects our natural tendency to want to put an immediate end to a child’s undesirable behavior. And in our haste it’s easy to forget to recognize and encourage positives in the situation – positives like inventiveness, achievement, curiosity. When the situation isn’t an emergency, we can take a moment to acknowledge: “Wow, you reached all the way up to the counter and picked up my sunglasses!”

Then we can allow the child to examine the sunglasses while we hold them. If he tries to take them out of our hands, we might say, “You can look at these and touch them, but I won’t let you take them.” Then, if that turns into a struggle, we might say finally, “You really want to hold these yourself and I can’t let you. I’m going to put them away in the desk.”

Dealing with these situations openly, with patience, empathy and honesty — braving a child’s tears and accepting temporary ‘bad guy’ status — is the path to a loving relationship, trust and respect. This, believe it or not, is real quality time.

So, what do you think about redirection?

Could I ask your advice again? So Audrey is great (GREAT!) at independent play. She can spend quite a long time happily playing with her basic simple toys and babbling to herself. Except, in the mornings, when I am trying to get breakfast ready, lunches ready, dishes done, and stuff ready to get out the door, she is REALLY clingy. I don’t understand. If I am sitting still in the afternoon hanging out with her, she is happy to go off and play on her own. But if I am not able to sit down with her, that’s when she is attached to my leg. The solution is probably just to do more stuff at night so I have less to do in the morning and more time for her, but I need time to relax and the evening is all I have. Thoughts? I know you will be able to shed some common sense on my morning routine nightmare! Thanks in advance!

Cheers,
Kathleen 

Hi Kathleen,  

Yes, you can ALWAYS ask my advice. Not only am I flattered, I’m thankful for a clue as to what I should be writing about.

But before I reply (if you’ll please excuse me), I’m going to find my amateur psychoanalyst hat…………….. Okay, hat’s on. 

Hmmm! Now let me get this straight: your daughter enjoys playing independently, has a marvelous time, does not need you at all when you are sitting still and relaxed, hanging out, completely available to her. And yet, when you are busy in the morning with chores and activities her personality shifts dramatically. She becomes a leg-hugger — dependent, clingy, needy, helpless, desperate for your attention. Interesting. 

This could mean one of three things:

          a.  Your daughter is not a morning person.

b.  Acute Kitchen Phobia. She’s unable to contain her fears when her dear, kind, vulnerable mother engages with knives, stoves, microwave radiation, garbage disposals, potato mashers, and the terrifying “snap” of Tupperware containers and zip-lock sandwich bags.

c.  She’s a toddler…doing her job.   

Toddlers test. Testing limits is what they are supposed to do and is a healthy and important step for them as they build independence. Testing tries our patience, but if we handle it calmly, it can provide valuable learning experiences for our child, give her the sense of security she needs, and bring us closer. 

The situation you describe often sends parents lunging towards the nearest TV remote, and understandably so.  Keep holding off if you can, because she will pass through this phase soon. TV or videos in the morning would get Audrey out of your hair (and off your legs), but it could begin a habit for both of you that will undermine her great ability to play autonomously (besides encouraging her to zone out in the beginning of the day when she could be putting her energy to more productive, “brain active” use). 

Here are some thoughts for giving Audrey clear boundaries in the morning and for dealing with toddler testing in general. 

Pay attention. 

Toddlers enjoy independent play when we balance it with periods of our undivided attention. Maybe you are already doing this, but I encourage you to sit with Audrey in the morning while she has her breakfast. Try not to be distracted by other things during those few minutes. Make that time as intimate as possible. Tell her that when she is finished with breakfast, you will do your work in the kitchen and she will have… 

Choices. 

It’s easier for toddlers to relinquish testing when they feel they have a little control. Giving Audrey choices lets her be the one to decide how to behave helpfully. One example could be asking her to choose to either play in her safe play area or sit in a special chair (or pillow on the floor) and watch you. Another choice might be playing with playdough (the special homemade kind that you’ve set aside for her to use only in the mornings…see recipe below), or her set of farm animals (or another toy you might designate “mornings only”). 

Project confidence, acknowledge feelings, and hold firm. 

If she doesn’t accept these choices gracefully, or if she plays for a short time and then returns to you, try not to get upset or give her behavior much attention. Just calmly, firmly, matter-of-factly tell her that you know she wants you, but you are going to be busy for 15 more minutes (or whatever), and you are looking forward to sitting with her as soon as you’re done.  If she continues, even if she grabs your legs, hold tight, stay calm, try not to let it bother you, and ask her again to please sit down or go and play in a kind, but authoritative way. No pleading. If she seems upset, acknowledge it, “You’re really having a hard time letting me do my work today.”

If you can be confident and unemotional during all of this, she will probably lose interest in testing. It’s most important to project assurance. She’s not falling apart (although if she has a gift for drama she may seem to be). She’s not a ‘poor baby’. She’s a strong girl who needs boundaries like all children do. If you melt and give in, get annoyed or angry, she may continue to be distracted by her need to test instead of feeling free to play. 

Now, let me frame this by saying that, in my book, you are doing a wonderful job! (And Audrey sounds like a terrific girl!)  And also, I certainly don’t have all the answers. These are just some ideas, and they may or may not work for you. I would love for you to give me an update. I’d also love to hear suggestions from anyone reading! 

All the best,                                                                                                                                                                               Janet

(Kathleen hosts engaging conversations and blogs about parenting, the environment, food, society and politics on: A Moment 2 Think.)

Playdough recipe (it’s edible…just in case) from Don’t Move The Muffin Tins (A Hands Off Guide To Art For The Young Child) by one of my favorite speakers and educators Bev Bos:

What You’ll Need: A saucepan; two cups flour; one cup salt; one teaspoon cream of tartar; two tablespoons oil; one teaspoon food coloring; two cups water. 

How To Proceed: Mix ingredients in saucepan and stirring constantly, cook over medium heat until dough leaves sides of pan. Remove from pan and knead for a few minutes. 

Comments: This is a very smooth, pliable clay. We store our clay in a tightly closed plastic container. Fifty children play with it every day, and it lasts for weeks. We don’t find it necessary to refrigerate the mixture.