In the last decade, educators and psychologists have begun developing new methods to test and understand the infant mind. They’re finding proof that even the youngest infants are phenomenal learners, actively engaged in absorbing new information, imagining, experimentation, statistical reasoning, problem solving. This perception of babies was once held only by those with insight and the inclination to observe — people like infant specialist Magda Gerber who rejected conventional wisdom and inspired others to study babies playing independently and note their abilities.

“An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”–Magda Gerber

So, how do we best enable and support babies through this impressive, innate process?  Here are a few of the secrets Magda taught me…

1. Diaper changes, feedings, baths, brushing teeth, dressing and undressing, nose wiping, finger and toenail clipping are all prime time for learning

But this is only true if we pay attention while we are doing those things, tell our babies what’s happening and invite them to participate with us. Even when our infant or toddler isn’t in a cooperative mood, there is much to be gained by simply acknowledging the difficulties, retaining a flexible attitude and continuing to interact rather than distract. “We’re having a rough time of it today, aren’t we?”

Infants can’t help but learn all the time, so the question really isn’t “are they learning?”, but rather “what are they learning?”  If we engage with babies during caregiving tasks, they learn about their bodies and how to care for them. They learn language naturally and internalize it because they don’t just hear our words, they experience them through all of their senses. (“Can you help me squeeze the warm water out of this yellow sponge?”) Most importantly, babies learn that their participation is expected and highly valued.

During these intimate moments with us, our baby’s sense of security is refueled, which then makes it possible for him to enjoy playing and exploring independently.

2. Infant learning secrets? Babies know them all already. So, trust infants and toddlers to be initiators, explorers and self-learners (which is the essence of the first RIE principle).

Indeed, babies can teach us a thing or two about learning, as psychologist and infant researcher Alison Gopnik explains in her intriguing video How To Think Like A Baby. Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult?

It is true that babies need plenty of attentive physical contact with loving adults, but they also benefit from initiating self-chosen activities, engaging with life on their own terms, which might be as simple as an uninterrupted exploration of their hands or feet, or a daydream about dust particles. They especially enjoy having our appreciative attention without our direction.

3. Short attention span? Think again. Let infants choose, and their interest lasts longer

Another reason to let babies initiate learning activities is that they (like all of us) are capable of a longer attention span when they are doing something that they find enjoyable or intrinsically motivating.  Magda Gerber balked at the idea that infants and toddlers have short attention spans, because she’d observed otherwise. Magda understood that only the baby really knows what interests him at any given moment, and when we allow babies to choose activities and don’t interrupt, they astound us by engaging much longer than generally thought possible. (See this video and the one below!)

4. Big play spaces can be too much of a good thing. Even the smallest babies need boundaries

Parents have asked, “My whole house is childproofed. Do I need to make a gated play space for my baby?” And my answer is yes, because babies aren’t as comfortable playing when they are in a very large area. They are distracted and overwhelmed by too much “freedom”, actually appreciate the security they feel within safe boundaries (although toddlers might test and seem to object to them). The younger the baby, the smaller the space needed to feel truly free to explore their world and learn. Very young infants have plenty of room to play in a crib or playpen.

5. Familiarity breeds learning

An interesting paradox about babies…they learn more from what they know than from what they don’t know.  Learning blossoms when babies have a predictable environment. They love to know the ropes.

I get a kick out of observing babies entering the RIE classroom each week with their parents. The first few times they come, they quietly take in this novel situation. Then you begin to see the spark of recognition in their eyes and maybe a smile. As the months pass, some of the children arrive and point out their favorite familiar things in the classroom, as if touching base. I’ll respond, “Yes, there’s that dog in the picture you always see here.” You can clearly see when they have gotten over the hump and begin to own the place, because they dive right in and begin exploring. If they’ve missed a week or two for whatever reason, it might take them a couple of classes to feel that sense of comfort again.

Parents who have returned from family trips often tell me how elated their toddlers are to be home, enjoying their safe play spaces again.

6. Babies learn more when their toys are doing less

Interestingly, they engage with passive, simple, open-ended toys and objects for much longer, too. And that reminds me…

A family in one of my classes allowed me to share a video of their son, and it happens to perfectly illustrate the infant learning secrets I’ve mentioned: trust in the infant as a self-learner, the comfort of boundaries and familiarity, sustained attention as a result of self-chosen activity, and the value of simple objects as creative learning tools.

Watch this 10 month old scientist focusing intently for over 8 minutes (but there’s no need to watch the whole thing to get the picture). Observe his attention to every detail as he explores his object’s properties and creates educational experiments that help him to better understand balance, mobility, gravity, velocity. Even more impressive to me than this baby actively learning is the atmosphere of trust his parents have provided. The belief they obviously have in their son and his abilities is what makes this depth of learning possible. 

(I love the way he checks out his hand in the beginning.)

Now, here’s a sampling of the “qualities of a good learner” that I found from a variety of sources on the web. Do any of these remind you of babies?

• passion for knowledge.
• remains focused on the subject matter at hand, and takes time to review the material until it is assimilated appropriately, or we might say until it is well ingrained.
• perseveres and does not become frustrated or discouraged when items are not easily understood at first.
• will realize that in many instances, learning is not always a spontaneous event, but something that is realized over a period of time.
• understands the importance of practice, practice, practice.
• actively participates.
• always tries.
• analyzes new information and contrasts it with what they already know.
• begins with being present–physically, mentally. Knows how he/she learns best and is creative.
• enjoys learning.
• has a personal interest in the subject matter.
• has active listening, thinks and responds.
• has frustrations and asks a lot of questions.
• is a good listener, loves what he/she is learning.
• is creative — able to challenge assumed knowledge.
• is enthusiastic about learning. You don’t have to be smart.
• is open to taking risks, exploring, playing. It’s more about the process than the product.
• is open-minded.
• is willing to work hard.
• never stops learning.
• very curious, aware and focused on his/her mission.
• tries to cultivate “beginner’s mind”. (Ha!)
]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/the-secrets-of-infant-learning/feed/ 19 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/how-to-love-a-diaper-change/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/how-to-love-a-diaper-change/#comments Tue, 18 May 2010 03:26:23 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=1347 Call me sensitive, but I once saw a diaper change that made me cry. In fact, I can cry just thinking about it. It was a scene from a film about the The Pikler Institute, the highly respected orphanage in Budapest, Hungary, founded by pediatrician and infant expert Dr. Emmi Pikler. The camera focuses on a 3-week-old new arrival being welcomed with a diaper change. We hear the caregiver speaking slowly and see her gentle touches. The subtitles read, “Now I will lift your legs. I will move the diaper under you”.  She pauses after she explains each action, giving the infant a few moments to respond and anticipate what will happen next.  Several minutes later, the delicate task completed, the caregiver says quietly to the tiny, trusting person, “I think you will like it here.” 

Diaper changes are built for intimacy. And all we need to turn diapering from a difficult, dreaded chore into a mutually gratifying experience is to change our perception, to appreciate the moment as an opportunity for developing a closer partnership with our child. Remembering to slow down, to include our baby instead of distracting him, ask for his assistance, use gentle “asking hands” instead of busy, efficient ones can literally transform a mundane task into a time of mutual enrichment. 

It will not always be easy. Toddlers test. That’s what they are supposed to do. A toddler has failed if he makes life too easy for us. Here are some ideas for making the most of diaper changes with our infants and toddlers: 

Set the tone with a respectful beginning. I’m amazed when parents stop a child in his tracks to open the back of his pants without warning, or say, “Ew, smelly! Someone needs a diaper change!” It’s all I can do to refrain from asking, “Would you like to be treated that way? If you passed gas in public would we be waving our hands, holding our noses and grabbing at your pants?” 

Children don’t like to be interrupted when they are playing, and most diaper changes can be postponed until there is a lull in an infant or toddler’s activity. Wait for a break in your child’s play and then say discreetly, “Please let me check your diaper now”.  Then, “We’re going to change your diaper.” If the child walks, you might give the option, “Would you like to walk to the changing table or shall I carry you?” If he resists, you may be able to give him the choice of a bit more time. “I see you’re still playing. In five minutes we will change your diaper.”Toddlers crave autonomy and are more amenable to cooperation when we respect their need to make some decisions. 

Give undivided, unplugged attention. Embrace this time together, and your baby will, too.  Release yourself from other concerns to focus for these few minutes on your child. Slow down. Even the youngest infants sense our hurry or distraction, and it makes them tense and resistant, rather than willing participants. Our slow, gentle touch breeds trust. 

If the child seems distracted, acknowledge it and wait. “You hear that loud siren. I hear it, too. Now, it seems to have passed. Are you ready for me to unsnap your pajama?” Or, “You’re crying. Did I lie you down too quickly? Do you need me to hold you for a moment before we start? 

Ask for your baby’s assistance. Remind yourself to pay attention to the whole person, not just his lower half. Don’t do anything without telling him first. Not only are we treating him with respect by telling him what is happening, we are encouraging him to absorb language with all his senses (the cold wipes, the sound of the snaps on his pajamas). 

You will find joy in your baby’s responsiveness. He soon shows you he can place his hands through a sleeve, contract his abdominal muscles to help you lift his bottom, hold the diaper and the diaper cream. When diapering time is finished and we ask, “Are you ready for me to pick you up?” our baby will learn to extend his arms to us in reply. Surprisingly, even the youngest infants respond when we ask to pick them up by preparing their muscles for a change in altitude and position. 

Be flexible. Stay open to new possibilities. When infants become mobile, they need us to adjust to their needs as best we can. A baby might wish to roll to his tummy to be wiped, or be in an all fours crawling position. The toddler may need to stand and be changed on a pad on the floor.  Continue to ask for cooperation, but compromise and allow the child to do things his way if you can make it work.   

Imagine new ways your child might be able to be more participatory. Invite him to wipe himself, put on his own cream, take his diaper on or off. Children of all ages want to be trusted to do things for themselves whenever possible. If you keep your mind open to all the possibilities, you will be surprised by all your baby can do. 

Remember, your goal is partnership. Are all diaper changes smooth and easy? No way! A securely attached child tests us…often.  Sometimes we start off on the wrong foot, the baby is too tired (or we are) and the whole thing is a disastrous mess. Forget about feeling connected — we may not even like our baby in that moment.  These are normal bumps in the road. Best to embrace those, too, and acknowledge to our child, “Wow, that was a tough one together, wasn’t it?” 

As Ruth Anne Hammond explains in her insightful new book, Respecting Babies: A New Look At Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach, “If [a parent] is usually slow, gentle, and attentive, an occasional lapse is emotionally manageable for the child, and may even be helpful in the process of learning that her parent is human.“ 

Diapering is not just about getting a job done, or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other. 

“One generally finds that infants are the most content and cheerful in the hands of mothers who move with ceremonious slowness.” –Dr. Emmi Pikler

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/how-to-love-a-diaper-change/feed/ 20 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/magda-gerbers-gift-to-grown-ups-parenting-that-engages-the-mind/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/magda-gerbers-gift-to-grown-ups-parenting-that-engages-the-mind/#comments Fri, 14 May 2010 03:34:26 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=1338 Infant expert Magda Gerber’s contributions to the lives of children are widely acclaimed by educators and child care professionals.  Less acknowledged is the tremendous gift her Educaring philosophy is to us. Magda’s theories not only make our job more enjoyable and successful — they elevate the child care experience. They stretch us and engage our intellect, opening our eyes to a new view of infants, and of ourselves. 

Educaring challenges us to be keen observers. By holding back our impulse to teach, direct, or otherwise intervene when a child plays, we are often amazed by the child’s developing abilities. Through observation we gain insights into the origins of a host of psychological issues, major and minor. Some strike a chord. Parents have reported realizations in RIE parenting classes about personal issues that eluded them for years in psychotherapy. 

Educaring tests us to understand and bravely acknowledge a child’s feelings when distraction and re-direction seem so much easier. We bite the bullet, and sometimes experience emotional discomfort as we encourage the children in our care to openly express their feelings. Parents can put the money for future therapy bills into a college fund instead. 

Magda presents us with an ideal to strive for, a relationship based on mutual trust, honesty and respect.  Educaring is not just about the baby, it’s about us too.  We are encouraged to not subjugate our needs to the needs of our child. The baby cries, and we still go to the bathroom. We both have rights, and his is to voice his disagreement with our action. 

We tell babies the truth.  We don’t have to sing when we don’t feel like singing. 

Through Magda Gerber we learn that the best way to teach values like honesty, generosity, empathy and forgiveness is to model, rather than force. We’re not the parents and caregivers chanting “Share!” or “Say you’re sorry!” on the playground. Instead, we gently intervene only when children might hurt each other. We become examples of empathy and patience, trusting that our children will initiate empathetic responses authentically in time. Modeling brings out the best in us. 

(Of course, the responsibility to set a good example can also be a little restrictive at times, like when a 50-year-old RIE teacher considers the possibility of getting a little facial ‘tweaking,’ and her 13-year-old responds, “You teach parents to raise authentic children! How would that look?”) 

We also model language by communicating with our infants from the beginning about anything that pertains to them, especially the things that happen with their bodies. We can be ourselves, speaking to a child in our normal voice. We trust that a child’s language development is a natural product of our time together. We never have to ‘teach.’ 

One of the greatest gifts Magda bestows on us is the knowledge that infants are self-learners. And this is how a parent or caregiver spells relief. Self-learning means we don’t need to provide any lessons for a baby, and we need not feel pressured by developmental timetables. Infants are internally motivated to learn the things they need to learn: motor skills, communication, problem solving. We provide the foundation of a secure relationship with a caring adult, a safe environment conducive to exploration and discovery, and let nature takes its course. We never have to worry that we are not doing ‘enough,’ or that the child isn’t doing ‘enough.’ Whatever a healthy infant or toddler chooses to do in his safe environment is the perfect curriculum for him on any particular day. We let go of ‘doing’, and are left with observing, learning, enjoying. 

One of the gifts that I am most grateful for is Magda Gerber’s description of two types of ‘quality time.’ The first kind: “wants something” quality time is when we have a task to do with a baby like diapering, feeding, bathing, or clipping his toenails, and we challenge ourselves to slow down,  ignoring our instinct to zip through it as quickly as possible. We try to focus on the experience, talking the baby through each step, asking for cooperation, sometimes dealing with resistance. It suddenly occurs to us, “What’s the rush? Is there anything more important than this time together right now? Why are these moments with a child any less important than his ‘play time’?” The child looks into our eyes as if to ask us what will happen next, and we realize that we are indeed having an intimate moment together. 

The second kind of quality time, “wants nothing,” can encompass a wide range of experiences, but all we are asked to do is pay attention and have no agenda of our own. It can mean being quietly available as a baby explores patterns of light on a blanket beneath him, or standing nearby while he has a screaming meltdown because he cannot have another cookie. It may be trickier to see the benefit for parents and caregivers in this latter scenario, but it is clarity. When we pay full attention to our child for intervals each day, no matter what the tone of our exchange or the outcome is, we are giving him the quality time he needs. We are doing our job. 

Magda Gerber often described the parent infant relationship as “Two awkward adolescents learning to dance together.”  She encouraged us to keep our eye on the prize, a lifelong relationship of love and respect. For most of us, this new view of infants as unique individuals shifted our perception dramatically, but also felt like the way we always thought it should be. Whether we are child care professionals, working parents, or stay home parents, we should take pride in this work. 

Thanks to Magda Gerber our daily experience with children is profoundly enriched. She challenges us to hone our observational skills like scientists, listen to another’s feelings without judgment like psychotherapists, and empty our minds to revel in the moment like Zen Masters. 

She teaches us to make creative decisions about when and how to intervene so as not to interrupt a child’s process of discovery, and work to be models of authenticity by staying connected to our true selves.

And Magda’s most splendid gift of all is a simple truth: child care is the developing relationship of understanding between two distinct human beings. 

Now, let’s dance.

Reprinted from Educaring, Spring 2010

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/05/magda-gerbers-gift-to-grown-ups-parenting-that-engages-the-mind/feed/ 12 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/baby-interrupted-7-ways-to-build-your-childs-focus-and-attention-span/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/baby-interrupted-7-ways-to-build-your-childs-focus-and-attention-span/#comments Mon, 26 Apr 2010 01:32:08 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=1243 You’re off and writing. You’ve cracked the blank page and the keyboard’s clicking. Time melts away, as does the chirping bird, the sound of distant traffic, the tick of the clock, and the discomfort of the broken wicker desk chair you’ve been meaning to replace for months. Suddenly the doorbell jars you. It’s a neighbor friend. She snaps you out of ‘flow’, and back into reality. You love her dearly, but your concentration is broken nonetheless… Babies experience these interruptions all the time. 

We don’t think twice about interrupting infants and toddlers, mostly because we don’t think to value what they are doing.  At the same time, we want our children to be learners and achievers. We want them to be able to listen patiently in the classroom and have the tenacity to solve difficult problems and pursue their dreams. We want ‘paying attention’ to come naturally, learning skills to come joyfully and easily. The first years of life are formative for developing focus and concentration. 

Here are 7 ways to foster a long attention span: 

1)      Minimal entertainment and stimulation. Babies are creatures of habit and can become accustomed to expect entertainment rather than doing what comes naturally — occupying themselves with their surroundings. Constant stimulation leads to an exhausted parent and an easily bored, over-stimulated child. Infant expert Magda Gerber taught that babies do not naturally become bored.  Parents do. Babies are entranced by the way their bodies can move, and the sights, sounds, smells, nooks and crannies of life that we adults take for granted. They need uninterrupted time to experience those things and assimilate them.  

2)      No TV or videos. TV and videos are the most drastic way to undermine your child’s developing attention span because they engage and overwhelm a child’s attention rather than encouraging the child to actively flex his focus muscle. Imagine the powerful pull of the TV screen in a restaurant. You can be sitting with the most fascinating people in the world, and still you find your eyes drawn to the damn TV.  (For an in-depth study on the TV issue, I highly recommend Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think - And What We Can Do About It, by Jane M. Healy, Ph.D.)

3)      A safe, cozy “YES” place. In order to remain occupied for extended periods of time, a baby must have a safe place. This can begin with a bassinet or crib, and grow with the baby to be a playpen, and finally a cordoned-off or gated play area. A too large area where there are unsafe objects available to a child is not the relaxed environment the baby needs for extensive concentration. Babies cannot play for long periods of time when they are distracted by the tension of parents worried about safety and the interruption of “NOs”. 

4)      Simple, open-ended toys and objects. Unless distracted, babies are inclined to examine every inch of a simple object, like the pattern on a cloth napkin, and then experiment, i.e. wave it, mouth it, place it over their faces, and scrunch it into a ball. They are apt to tire of, or become over-stimulated by objects that they either cannot comprehend (like rattles and other mysterious noisemakers) or toys that they passively watch, listen to, and have a single function: like musical mobiles or wind-up toys. Those toys grab the child’s attention rather than strengthening his ability to actively focus and investigate, similar to the way TV and videos do. 

5)      Observe. And don’t interrupt. Observing the way our babies choose to spend their time makes us realize that they are not just lying there, but actually doing something. That something might be gazing towards a window, at the ceiling fan, or grasping at dust particles in the sunlight. Every time we interrupt our baby’s musings we discourage his concentration. When we observe we can see when there is a break in the action, i.e. the baby averts his gaze from the wiffle ball he was prodding with his fingers and turns to look at us. We can then ask to pick him up for a diaper change without diverting his attention and interfering with his train of thought. 

6)      Baby gets to choose. Simple fact: children are more interested in the things they choose than the things we choose for them. Therefore, allowing a baby to choose what to do in his play environment rather than directing him to our choice of activity (a learning game, puzzle or flash card) will better engage his interest, focus and heightened concentration.  Children who are given plenty of opportunities to focus for extended periods of time on activities they choose are better able to pay attention in situations later (like school) where activities are adult-prescribed. 

7)      Don’t encourage distraction. It is common practice to distract a baby with a toy on the changing table to “get the job done.” But this trains babies to NOT pay attention. Diaper changes, baths, and feedings are not dull, unpleasant chores for babies.   Babies are interested in all aspects of their lives. They want to be included in each step of a task that involves them and be invited to participate as much as they are able. When we teach a baby that he should not pay attention to activities he’s an integral part of, how do we then expect him to develop a healthy attention span? 

The ability to spend extended periods of time delving deeply, seeking greater understanding of an object or situation, can be developed and strengthened like a muscle. I don’t pretend to be a PhD, but common sense tells me that a home environment conducive to focus and attention can have a positive impact on – and maybe even prevent — some attention deficit disorders. 

Focus is power. A long attention span is essential for creative, athletic and academic achievement. Attentive listeners make the best friends, spouses and parents. 

So next time you check on your baby, tiptoe in and peek before saying, “Hello.” Babies relish their “flow” time, too. 

The video below (also posted in Infant Play – Great Minds At Work) demonstrates the positive effect that uninterrupted infant play can have on a child’s focus and attention span at age 2.

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/baby-interrupted-7-ways-to-build-your-childs-focus-and-attention-span/feed/ 49 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/parenting-is-not-for-sissies-a-dads-view/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/parenting-is-not-for-sissies-a-dads-view/#comments Tue, 30 Mar 2010 00:45:46 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=1037 When it comes to parenting, especially the first time, I assume most people make it up as they go along. We read a few “What to Expect…” books, stock up on baby essentials and listen to advice from other dads, mothers and friends who’ve been there. But for the most part, parenting is one of those experiences we’re never really prepared for.

An infant changes everything, and while preparation is comforting, no one can predict how they will react until the moment arrives. Generally, after a few of showerless days and sleepless nights, good intentions and the best laid plans are shelved. Survival becomes the goal. Forget normalcy.  Sooner than later we realize that life à trios will not be the fantasy concocted during ‘Expecting Mommy’ classes and dreamy late night conversations with our wives over baby-naming books. 

We stand at a precipice — exhausted, dazed and confused — with only a couple of clear choices. For some, it means a personal surrender and a profound change of consciousness. This is often the jumping off place to adulthood. Others struggle to preserve elements of their carefree pre-natal lives. This can mean trying to train the infant to adapt to their lifestyle – the way it was before the blessed event – by adjusting sleep and eating schedules to accommodate adult social events; or abandoning their child to a bi-lingual, CPR-trained, background-checked stranger to sneak off to Baja for a long weekend.

Me, I took the plunge, opted for surrender. 

An infant’s needs are simple (albeit persistent and all-consuming), but we are products of a self-possessed, what-about-me? culture. It’s how we were raised — to do our own thing, take it easy, protect our space, get what’s ours and, above all, be happy (an entirely American obsession, by the way. Most of the world does not spend a whole lot of time wondering ‘Am I happy?’). But when an infant needs us – for anything and everything to survive – well, he needs us. It doesn’t matter how we feel at that moment, or whether it’s convenient, or that we’re tired or haven’t been to the gym in three weeks. And it sucks when we can’t watch Letterman in bed because the wife’s nursing. What about me?   

So, this sudden, relentless demand for self-sacrifice (and the self-pity and resentment it spawns) is an unfamiliar and oppressive experience. And we all handle it differently. But I only learned just how demanding real parenting can be when my wife (that would be Janet) embraced the philosophy and practice of Infant Educaring.

Initially, it meant spending more time (my time) accomplishing duties I could have whipped off in seconds, like a bath or changing a diaper. I learned that these chores constituted ‘valuable, intimate, together time’. We weren’t finished until my infant decided we were finished, and I would receive a non-verbal cue when it was time to move on. And, low and behold… 

As my first daughter got older and slept less, parenting meant sacrificing still more time – observing her mostly — just being present.  At first, these new demands tested my patience. I had work to do, places to go, people to see. Again, total surrender was the key, and eventually I looked forward to these otherwise mundane moments together and found joy in the pure connection I was making as a father.

But as our daughter became a toddler, and we met other couples who parented according to the whims of conventional wisdom and personal convenience, it turned out my real test as a parent was one of strength. Obviously, I’m not talking about mere physical strength. No, this is the real stuff — the strength not to gag my daughter with a pacifier when she cried; not to put her on slides or swings before she was physically capable of doing it herself; not to let her sit in front of the TV with friends when the parents wanted some grow-up time; and the strength to step in the way of a well-meaning adult to say “no, thank you” or “please, don’t”. 

This policy of infant/toddler protectionism does not endear you to other parents no matter how gently or pleasantly you present your case. Your friends feel judged because you decline invitations to certain activities (like a John Carpenter Film Festival for five-year olds), and strangers might judge you to be cruel.  Imagine: you’re at the playground, and there is a line-up of parents lifting their toddlers onto a slide. Your child is standing by watching, pointing to the top of the slide. The other parents are confused, some dumbfounded as you kneel beside your daughter in the dirt and calmly acknowledge her desire without fulfilling it. (BTW, if the reader is confused by this behavior, please see Janet’s post, Don’t Stand Me Up,  for explanation.)

I have been there, and I can tell you it does take backbone to endure the judgmental stares of other parents, especially if you have any doubts that what you’re doing (or not doing) is best for your child. I mean, it’s a slide, right? What’s the harm?

And how do you ask a friend or relative to please not grab your child and tickle her without her permission? Or convince the doctor that your 4-year old understands the mechanics of a check-up, that she doesn’t need to be distracted by baby-talk or a stand-up comedy routine. 

I could go on, but you get the point: this parenting thing – especially the RIE method of parenting – is not just a collection of philosophical talking points. It needs to be practiced in the real world with extreme conviction, follow-through and consistency by both parents. So, it is not for sissies.

I was lucky to have an in-house role model who was strong enough to lead when I didn’t have the stomach to make waves. I was more apt to go with the flow, rationalizing that if the So-and-So’s were doing it, it must be okay.  Janet showed a single-minded strength of purpose that at first made me queasy, but which I came to admire more than she will ever know. Her early efforts on behalf of our kids – a lone voice advocating and practicing respect for our children (and others) — were nothing less than heroic. Gradually, through Janet’s modeling, I have absorbed much of the Educaring philosophy and became less squeamish about asserting myself against the pressures of conventional parenting practices. Ultimately, I have found my own strength in the pure truths of Magda Gerber’s teaching. I finally developed a parenting backbone.

 Please share your comments with Mike.

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/parenting-is-not-for-sissies-a-dads-view/feed/ 1 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/in-the-toilet/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/in-the-toilet/#comments Mon, 08 Mar 2010 01:33:00 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=960 Today, while many prepare for the most glamorous event of the year (the Oscars), I’ve got my head in the toilet. The advice I’m reading on the web about potty training makes me want to scream!  Potty training in 3 days? One day? Tips and tricks? People, have a little respect.  Potty training is not something we do to a child, or ask the child to do to please us.  Children are human beings, not puppies to manipulate with treats and rewards!  Using the toilet is something a child wants to do when he is ready, for himself. It is a natural process that is best led completely by the child with our support. 

Yes, I understand parents wondering, worrying and feeling impatient about successful toilet training, even though it is something every healthy normal child eventually achieves. But we can create resistance, distrust, even shame when we coax a child to the potty one moment before he’s ready.   

One problem is the word ‘training,’ which gives us the impression that we must be proactive in a process that is best advised to happen naturally. When children are ready, they train themselves. If we are patient and create the atmosphere of acceptance our child needs to initiate his transition from diapers to toilet, he will master the skill easily, and gain the feeling of autonomy he deserves. 

Readiness is the key. Children must be ready physically (have bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control), cognitively (be fully aware of what they are supposed to do), and they must be ready emotionally to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it.) 

Parents lay the groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, we make diaper changes an enjoyable, cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him through each part of the process. 

When the child begins to show signs of toilet readiness (he lets you know he has urinated, wants the wet diaper removed immediately, and then begins to tell you before he urinates), it might be time to have a small potty on hand.  Then, every person who cares for the child are advised to be on board to refrain from asking the child to use the potty, or nudging in any way. Some children are extremely sensitive to being pushed in this area, and reactions can be as extreme as holding feces in for days, or having to put a diaper on and hide to be able to have bowel movement for years after having been supposedly ‘trained’. 

I have seen cases where children began a pattern of resistance when the parent coaxed them to use the potty, and the relationship of resistance continued in other areas into adulthood. Parents must tread carefully when dealing with toilet issues. 

It is safest to relax, remain patient and allow the child to tell us every time he wants to go to the toilet on his own. The process of self-training can take weeks, even months. Disruptions in the child’s life (a new sibling, traveling) can cause him to regress, even after we thought him fully trained. In those cases it’s best to “go with the flow” (so to speak) and keep diapers or pull-ups available well after training seems finished. 

Trusting our child pays off for everyone. The child takes pride in his newfound autonomy, and his self-confidence grows. By being trusted to ‘let go’ when he is ready, he can ‘hold on’ to intrinsic motivation.  After all, if we have to control our bodily functions to please our parents, what can we ever own?

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/in-the-toilet/feed/ 41 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/01/this-may-hurt/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/01/this-may-hurt/#comments Tue, 26 Jan 2010 04:41:29 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=764 I have had many surprises since becoming a mom. I found out that children under the age of six never walk down a hallway when they can run; that corn kernels pass through the body whole; and that boys have a testosterone-powered impulse to test the breaking point of everything, especially new toys, with predictable results. But the biggest surprise of all was the discovery that babies and toddlers can actually enjoy, and even look forward to getting a haircut, or visiting the doctor or dentist. (Certainly not the way I ever felt!) And all I had to do to make this possible was to help my baby ‘look forward’ to these routine events by honestly preparing her for the situations beforehand. 

When I began attending RIE parenting classes as a new mom, I adopted the habit of  telling my baby what was happening to her, and what was about to happen.  I told her that I was going to pick her up, place her on a changing table, or do anything that involved her, before I did it. I learned that babies crave predictability. They like the teensy bit of control they feel when they can anticipate what will happen next. It makes their world feel a little less overwhelming and more secure to know, for example, that after bath time they will put on pajamas, hear a lovely song, and then be carried over to help draw the shades before being placed in their bed.  Babies like to be included in a process, to participate as much as possible, even if it just means being informed about all that is happening to them. 

When babies are treated with this kind of respect, they are surprisingly cooperative, because they are aware and engaged.  But when we scoop a baby up without a word, or distract her with a toy to get a diaper changed quickly, we discourage her involvement, and make her feel manipulated into compliance, rather than feeling like a partner in an intimate activity.  Even though babies cannot speak, they are whole people, capable of participating actively in a relationship with us, and in their lives. The sooner we honestly take them in and invite them to join us, the sooner they will. 

When my baby was around twelve months old, I prepared her for the doctor’s office in advance.  I talked to her at home on the morning of our appointment, told her where we were going and what would happen there.  I told her about the scale, the stethoscope, about the doctor looking into her eyes with a light, feeling her belly and looking into her mouth.  And if I had thought she was getting a shot that day, I would have told her about that too, and right before she was injected I’d warn, “This may hurt or sting.”  

When my daughter and I arrived at the doctor’s office she had been hearing all about, I could sense her eager anticipation, and when the doctor finally came into the examining room, she was quiet, attentive, breathlessly waiting for all her predictions to be fulfilled.  

Unfortunately, this well-meaning doctor launched into a comedy/magic routine,  whizzing that little pen light all over like a firefly in his attempt to distract, telling her, “I see a birdie in your ear!”, and then sneaking in the peaks he needed for his examination. My baby was nonplussed.  I moderated.  I told her what the doctor was actually doing, so that she could stay involved and at least mentally participate as much as possible. He is a fine physician, but has a common view about children — that they cannot be trusted with the truth, and need to be tricked, and entertained to distraction for him to get his job done. 

Happily, my daughter enjoyed her first doctor’s office experience enough to want to go back.  She reacted with similar interest to wearing a giant bib at the barbershop and feeling the snip-snip of scissors cutting her hair, and she always looked forward to the dentist, even though she had to keep her mouth open for a long, long time.  

No question my children appreciate a lollipop, a new toothbrush, or an “I have great teeth” sticker.  But I came to the conclusion a long time ago that the honest preparation that led to their active involvement in those early experiences with the doctor, dentist and hairstylist is the reason my children still like going.  Or, maybe they’re just weird kids.

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/01/this-may-hurt/feed/ 10 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/12/the-easily-forgotten-gift/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/12/the-easily-forgotten-gift/#comments Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:29:23 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=644 I know the gift all children want most — we all want it — but it’s a hard one to remember. I’ve forgotten it for days, even weeks at a time. Sometimes it takes a desperate situation to remind me.

Once, I remembered it when my independent ten-year-old went through a phase in which she saw no reason to bathe. Days would pass. She would come up with excuses. I would let her off the hook and then forget about it. Finally, the time came when I knew I must force the issue, but I was still hesitant to demand it. Bathing should be looked forward to as a pleasant experience, not dreaded as an angry and resentful one.

Then, suddenly, the Good Parent Fairy whispered infant specialist Magda Gerber’s magic words to me –“Pay attention” – and I was reminded of her thoughts on baby “caregiving.”

Magda directed parents to give full attention to babies when feeding, diapering, bathing and at bedtime. Rather than treating these activities as unpleasant chores and rushing through them, Magda taught us to take advantage of intimate moments together by slowing down and including the baby in each step. When we do these activities with, rather than to a baby, we cultivate a relationship based on respect and trust. Daily intervals of focused attention refuel children, giving them the nurturing they need to spend time playing independently.

When our babies get older, caregiving opportunities are not as delineated. They might look like: removing a splinter; putting make-up on a bar-mitzvah-bound daughter; or lying with a son at bedtime while he sobs about an unkind playmate. Even though my daughter was fully capable of bathing herself, it was worth a shot to see if she needed my attention. So, I asked her, “Shall I come and wash your hair for you in the bath?“ “Yeah…okay,” she answered meekly. Bingo.

Would you rather have close proximity to a busy loved one all day long, or a few minutes of that loved one’s undivided attention?

Our children need real attention more than they need video games, iPods and trips to Disneyland. Please excuse my Hallmark sentimentality, but simple moments of true togetherness, whether we are happy or sad, mean the most. Focused attention is the glue that holds relationships together. Then why is it so hard to remember?

My newborn son had colic. He would wake in the night several times and cry for an hour or more before I could get him back to sleep. I was an exhausted mess. And my two daughters were adapting to the new addition to the family.

My four year old exhibited the expected mood swings: adoring her brother and being supportive of me one minute, then whining and crying the next. She was in obvious mourning for the loss of her previous life, life without a baby that took up most of her mom’s time and energy.

My nine year old daughter was a perfect angel, which, if I’d been paying attention, should have been a giant red flag. She made no demands of me, stayed out of my way and off my radar. I deliriously thought, “She’s old enough to understand this situation. She’s fine.” My husband and I had heard a glowing report about her in a teacher conference before the baby’s birth. She has always been an excellent student, but she was not without her difficult moments at home. Children are inclined to give those they are closest to (and feel safest with) the backhanded compliment of their worst behavior.

A few weeks after the baby was born, we got a phone call from the nine-year-old’s teacher. Our daughter had begun acting out in class. She had talked back to the assistant teacher and stuck her tongue out. Displaying a rebellious attitude at school was totally uncharacteristic. My heart sank.

I realized that my daughter must not have felt ‘safe’ to act out with her overwhelmed mom. So, instead, for the first time ever she was showing her worst to the outside world. That day after school, I sat in the car with her and talked. I asked about her feelings, imploring her to express anger, sadness, loss, all the thoughts she must have felt the need to keep from me. I suggested the feelings she might be having, and how normal, how expected they all would be. She could not answer, except for once or twice saying quietly, “I don’t know.” I became desperate for her to respond. I was in tears then, but still nothing. This one-way dialogue went on for thirty or forty minutes, but it felt like hours. I was beside myself. Just as I was about to give up and return with her to the house, my usually strong, assertive daughter spoke in a tiny, pained voice. “Pay attention to me.”

From then on I made a concerted effort to let my daughter know that I could handle anything she might need to throw my way. I carved out a little bit of time each day just for her. When she saw that I was not too overwhelmed to be there for her bright and dark sides, her behavior at school returned to normal. I was grateful to her teacher (who, interestingly, has always been my daughter’s favorite) for alerting us to a change in our daughter immediately.

In hindsight, I think of those times my parental presence was needed – for issues large or small, important or mundane, joyous or heart-wrenching – as the most cherished moments in my life. Giving real attention has always turned out to be a gift to me, too.

 “Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me.” – Thornton Wilder, “Our Town”

 

 

 

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/12/the-easily-forgotten-gift/feed/ 21 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/10/smelling-roses/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/10/smelling-roses/#comments Wed, 21 Oct 2009 08:49:59 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=242 I can relate to babies. I get over-stimulated in the supermarket the way babies do. I have a strange aversion to making lists and always believe I’ll be able to take a few minutes to march down each aisle, recognizing all I need to buy. Twenty minutes later, I’m in a zombie trance and have covered less than half the store.

(The hidden benefit to this is that my husband now prefers to get-it-and-go himself, rather than waiting an hour at home for me to return with the family’s groceries.) I don’t even attempt Cosco anymore. I appreciate the convenience of the gigantic store that has everything, but my temperament is better suited to a simpler time long ago (or a more European shopping experience) when one purchased items individually from the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.

In a recent Parent/Infant Class a parent asked me about taking a baby on errands. The mother said that her son objected to being placed in the stroller and wouldn’t sit in the little seat in the supermarket grocery cart. It’s not surprising that an infant or toddler dislikes accompanying mom or dad as they rush around doing errands. Babies are eager to move their bodies freely, and participate actively in life. It’s not a baby’s dream to get in and out of a car seat, and then tag along with parents through a blur of faces, sights, sounds and smells. Sometimes, even though it is inconvenient, an infant feels more included when he is held rather than strapped into a seat or carrier.

There will be times when it’s impossible for a tired baby to tolerate a restaurant, shopping trip or other outing. If a baby or child of any age is having a complete meltdown in public, the parents should stop what they are doing and take the child home. This is not only out of politeness to others, it is the kind and thoughtful way to handle someone who is upset. I have left a few full grocery cartloads in the market over the years.

Infant expert Magda Gerber emphasized the importance of a baby’s participation in daily activities like diapering, feeding and bathing. Slowing down to include a child in the tasks that involve him, rather than distracting with a toy, pacifier or food while we hurriedly get the job done, transforms each chore into an intimate learning experience. The child learns language in a pertinent way with all his senses, “Here’s the yellow washcloth. Would you like to dip it in the warm water?” He also gains confidence as he learns that his cooperation is valued. Rather than being expected to ignore the mysterious things being done to him while he shakes a rattle, he’s encouraged to participate in a mutual experience with another person. A nurturing relationship rooted in respect blooms between caregiver and child.

A young child has little opportunity to participate in a trip to the market or post office, but if we have no choice but to bring the baby along, I believe in making a concerted effort to stop and smell the roses. We do this when we slow down, adjust our perspective and see the world through our child’s eyes.  Rather than focusing on “making it work” by pacifying and directing our baby every minute, we let go of our agenda a little and share in the wonder of learning, imagining our child’s thoughts and responding more than dictating.

Let’s imagine we are in the supermarket. Instead of ignoring our baby as we rush around, or placating him with a box of cereal and saying, “Look at the cool Leprechaun…hold this,” we take note that our baby is staring at a bounteous stack of oranges in the produce section. We wait while he takes in the view. If he’s still staring we might say, “You are looking at the oranges. Would you like to touch an orange?”

Sometimes we find a new appreciation for life when we slow down. Adults are used to hurrying. A child teaches us to downshift, and take in all that surrounds us in a new way. When my children were little there were countless times that I stopped and asked myself, “Why am I rushing?” Most of the time it was just a habit of expedience, and my children would then inspire me to stop and enjoy.

When my second daughter was 3 and 4 she loved to weigh produce in the market. I was impatient with her desires at times, but in retrospect I realize that she was giving herself math and science lessons as she noted the weights of the cantaloupe and the bag of broccoli.

Our children’s fascinations may surprise us, but when possible we should try to accommodate their interests. A mother in my Parent/Toddler Class shared an ‘aha’ moment. Carrie had been out running errands with her toddler, Angus. Angus began to get grumpy. Carrie had the idea that she could cheer him by introducing him to horses at a nearby stable. When they exited the car, Angus noticed a gravel walkway. He was intrigued with the pebbles and squatted down to examine them. Carrie, still in rush-mode, could not wait to show him the horses. She fidgeted impatiently for a minute. Then, when she was just about to call to him to follow her, she stopped. “Who is this about?” she asked herself. “Angus is content pursuing his interests. I came here for him. I’m the one who is anxious to move on to the horses.” She decided to allow Angus to linger as long as he wished. As she began to relax, she realized that the other items on her agenda could be postponed until another day. Several minutes later they took a walk to the stables and Angus saw his first horse, the sight of which excited him almost as much as the pebbles.

When I have the choice, I would much rather zip around alone to take care of errands. But when my children are with me, I try to take full advantage of their presence. I gain insights about my children when I observe their interests. I slow down and open my mind to an unbiased, innocent, ‘in the moment’ view of life. It feeds my soul.

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