I hear (or read) statements like Mama Birth’s all the time.  It doesn’t matter what school of child care thought or the specifics of the discussion, someone always concludes “there isn’t a method that can work for every child because each baby is unique.”  And that usually ends the discussion.

Although I couldn’t agree more about each child being unique, I disagree about there not being a universal, one-size-fits-all child care approach — because I know one. It’s summed up perfectly by RIE Associate Elizabeth Memel when she welcomes new parents to her Parent/Infant Guidance Classes: “I’m not your teacher — your child is your teacher.” (Wish I’d said that.)

Our unique babies are the only people on the planet who can teach us all we need to know about raising them. So one-size-fits-all parenting is about learning how to become better students. Here’s infant expert Magda Gerber‘s foolproof way to do that…

1. Trust

We need a basic trust in our babies as capable communicators and initiators — fully human and active participants in life. The expression “seeing is believing” has to be reversed. Young children, especially the most immobile, pre-verbal ones can’t show and tell us unless we believe they can and give them room.

2. Observe

Sensitive observation, focused attention, really taking the child in without interference is the key to understanding babies and responding appropriately. Through observation we can detect everything from the early stages of tiredness (and be able to prepare children for sleep ahead of the curve) to what they might be learning while they play, when not to interrupt.  Magda Gerber’s story illustrates…

“Once many years ago, I saw an infant lying on the floor who was trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way. I didn’t see anything, but I knew that the child saw something. Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow, and that’s what the child saw. That experience stayed with me as a symbolic reminder, so that now when people do things, I want to say, “That child may just see the rainbow — don’t interrupt. Wait.”

(from Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect)

This story is also about trust, trusting that our baby’s choice of activity has value and is “enough”.

3. Listen

If I had it to do over, I’d definitely try the Dunstan method for decoding baby language…it fascinates me! I know, I know, someone’s bound to tell me it doesn’t work for every baby. But listening does. True listening means finding the strength to hear babies when they cry, since that’s the way they communicate a variety of needs and feelings. It means making the effort to understand before responding, especially when those responses mean placing something in the baby’s mouth, because that discourages further communication.

Lu Hanessian (from Parent2ParentU) provided a vivid illustration recently when she suggested substituting the word ‘communicate’ for ‘cry’.  And yet, there are experts who will tell you not to let your baby ‘communicate’.

When our goal is to prevent babies from crying, we end up assuming needs, doing well-intentioned but misdirected things like feeding them when they’re tired or playing with them when they’re over-stimulated.  Observe and listen. Really listen. Your baby is listening to you, and she deserves the same respect.

Keeping the lines of communication open becomes even more vital as our children grow. These lines are delicate. They can easily become blocked and even “downed” when we routinely ignore or respond judgmentally to our baby’s cries; lose patience with our toddler’s tendency toward overreaction; or say just about anything to our teenagers (!).

This lesson was brought home recently when my husband and I went through a rough patch with one of our children. We were alarmed and confused as to how to handle it, seriously doubted ourselves.  Once again, the answer turned out to be listening and trusting our daughter to know herself.  (Thank you, Magda, for guidance that keeps on giving!)

4.  Talk, long before they do

Encourage communication by talking to children respectfully.  Tell infants and toddlers before you pick them up (better yet, ask first). Show children through your actions and words that you want them to communicate with you. Let them know you understand what they’ve communicated and they’ll keep letting you in.

5. Slow down

Tuning in to young children is impossible without slowing down to their speed.

6. Get outside!

Moving your life outdoors as much as possible has nothing specific to do with learning about babies, but communing with nature is a one-size-fits-all, foolproof ticket to enjoying life and parenting.

Here’s inspiration… Observe this 6 month old baby’s discovery. Listen to his joy. Trust that his inner-directed activity is not only enough, it’s just perfect. (This is a 30 second snippet from a long, uninterrupted play period.)

And that reminds me of another thing…

7. Revere play

Do you have foolproof parenting ideas to share?

(Thanks so much to Kerry and Kobe for this enchanting video!)

(Photo by Brianfit on Flickr)

My baby boy is 6 months old, and we do all we can to make sure he is happy and healthy. We realize how important good, uninterrupted, restorative sleep is – both night sleep and daytime naps – and I wonder how you might respond to the philosophy of Dr. Marc Weissbluth (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”), who advocates letting a baby over 4 months cry up to one hour for naps and an unlimited time for night so the baby learns to self-soothe and fall asleep unaided. (This is of course assuming that the baby’s needs have been met – he’s fed, comfortably dressed, appropriate room temperature, fresh diaper, no diaper rash or other obvious injury/discomfort, not ill, no coyotes in the crib, etc.)

Weissbluth suggests that when a baby needs  sleep but wants to play or cuddle, we are robbing him of sleep if we constantly go to him. Sure enough, I feel like I’m hindering my baby’s efforts to put himself to sleep rather than helping at all. As soon as he sees me, he immediately wants to be held and nursed, even if he just ate. The problem with that is if he does fall asleep on me, I cannot put him down asleep – he wakes up and cries – and he does not sleep on anyone for more than 15 minutes or so (clearly not restorative sleep). We have done this for hours during the day in an effort to get him to take a nap when he was obviously tired.

Sometimes I believe he simply cries because he is overtired (perhaps from missing the previous nap) and needs to blow off steam before settling down. I never leave the room while he’s crying, but he typically starts once I’m out of sight, leading me to believe he just wants more play time. He typically nods off after a few minutes, but there are times when the crying goes on longer. I’ve been very torn between allowing him to relax himself and going in and rescuing him, even if it meant a missed nap, which is clearly not in his best interest. Any advice would be appreciated.

(This was a comment on my post 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying)

Sleep specialist Eileen Henry responds… 

“7 Reasons to Calm Down about Babies Crying” is a great article. And my experience with parents is in line with Janet’s. In the eight years that I have been working as a sleep consultant, I have yet to meet a parent who can leave their baby to cry. Even the parents I meet who do the “Cry It Out” method or “Ferberize” end up going to their child at some point and offering some form of support. Sitting in the next room, listening to the child suffer and having that fight with the parental brain is a doomed scenario…

However, our parental brain still holds obsolete instinctual drives that tell us to “stop the crying” at any cost.  Even though we may intellectually know that all is well (we have the shelter part of our basic needs down — there are no wolves at the cave door),  the intense urge to follow the impulse is still there. We can have a head full of rational knowledge and still have great difficulty convincing the heart to sit back and listen to our beloved baby suffer.

Good news…you don’t have to.

Your reader above raises some very good points and familiar concerns. Once we know all of our child’s needs have been met, now is the time to satisfy the authentic need for sleep…but how do we support our child in their efforts to settle in and get a good, uninterrupted, period of sleep? As this mommy knows, the best way to raise a successful sleeper is to allow the child to learn how to go from sleepy to asleep on their own. And at 6 months of age, “On their own…but with a little help,” might be the ticket.

As mentioned in 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying, the parent’s emotional state is key. I put this first in the list of ways to help our children through any disturbance. Since my program, Compassionate Sleep Solutions, is strongly rooted in Attachment Theory (or Regulatory Theory, as I like to call it), the first order of business is to offer soothing from a “self soothed” emotional state. To best help our child emotionally regulate, we must first make certain we (the parents) are emotionally centered.

The second thing I recommend is to try to distinguish between struggle and suffering in the child’s cries. Since struggle is inherent in all development, we can be confident that our child can develop a healthy relationship with struggle by allowing them to have their struggles.

If at any time you hear what sounds like suffering, by all means go in and offer soothing and comfort to your child. We will always respond to suffering, but we can do so without “rescuing” or “fixing” the child’s sleep.

Infants may have many wants, but  until they are verbal (and arguably even then) we will never know what they truly want. But if we are certain that sleep is what they need, we do not want to rob them of this wonderful time of rest and rejuvenation.  I find over and over that acknowledgement, empathy and compassion can be most powerful in helping our children through their learning struggles and inevitable suffering in this life. 

I am reminded of what Thich Hhat Hanh refers to as The 4 Aspects of True Love. And true love is a deep and continual practice of compassion.

1. Is true presence…”Beloved, I am here.” We do this in the care giving routines and rituals of the day. We do our best to be mindful and present.
2. “Beloved, you are here and I am happy.” We do this having already established a strong and healthy attachment and bond.
3. “Beloved, you are suffering and I am here.” We do this by offering acknowledgement, empathy and reassurance.

The fourth aspect is said to be the most difficult for the adult human.  It is because we have fear and pride. Perhaps we have fear that we will not be helped and are therefore too prideful to ask, or perhaps we have been trained to only think of the other:

4. “I suffer…help ME.” We satisfy this as parents every time we sit in a RIE class and share our experience, struggles, parental guilt and fears. We do this with our mommy sisters, partners and husbands. And at every age we can be honest with our children by modeling humanness…”Sweetie I know…I hear you…this is hard for me,  too.” Because we also know what loss and grief are made of. And we know that no one can fix it…and no matter how painful it is…the feeling is meant to be felt. 

Eileen Henry, RIE™ Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions™

http://www.compassionatesleepsolutions.com/

303.953.0203

(Isn’t this the best photo ever?! It’s by Sellers Patton on Flickr)

 Acknowledge.

Before you tell your child that it’s time to leave the park, or remind him that the really cool truck he’s examining has to stay at the store, acknowledge his point of view. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.

Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable. 

Acknowledging is simple, but it isn’t easy. It’s counter-intuitive for most of us, even when we’ve done it thousands of times. Won’t acknowledging our child’s wishes make matters worse? Won’t saying “I know how much you want an ice cream cone like the one your friend has and it does look yummy, but we won’t be having dessert until later” make our toddler hold on to the idea longer, cry harder? Wouldn’t it be better to dismiss or downplay the child’s feelings, distract, redirect or say:”Oh, sweetie, not now”?

Our fears about an honest acknowledgement of the situation “making things worse” are almost always unfounded. Feeling heard and understood allows children to release the feelings, let go and move on. Here are more reasons that acknowledging our child’s truth is worth the conscious effort it takes…

1. Acknowledging can stop tears and tantrums in their tracks.

I have witnessed this many, many times. Whether a child is upset about an injury, a disagreement with another child or anger over a conflict with a parent, acknowledging to the child what happened or that he is hurt, frustrated or angry can miraculously ease the pain. Feeling understood is a powerful thing.

2. Acknowledging, instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.

Parents and caregivers have an enormous influence, and their responses have an impact on young children. If, for example, we try to calm children by assuring them that there’s no need to be upset or worried about something that’s troubling them, they may become less inclined to express their feelings. If our goal is our child’s emotional health and keeping the door of communication open – just acknowledging is the best policy. “Daddy left and you are sad.”

I was reminded of this recently when one of my teenage daughters shared her anger and heartbreak over a long time best friend’s lies and betrayal. How hard it was not tell her that this friend is flawed and that my daughter deserves so much better!  How hard it was to just listen and acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. As painful as this experience was for me, I treasure it, because my daughter trusted me with her innermost feelings. I’ll do all in my power to encourage her to share with me again. (My daughter ended up resuming her relationship with her long adored friend, having noted her limitations.) 

3. Acknowledging informs, encourages language development and emotional intelligence.

Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect them. But don’t state the feeling unless you’re sure. It’s safer to use the words “upset” or “bothered” rather than jumping to “scared”, “angry”, etc. When in doubt, you might ask, “Did it make you mad when Joey wouldn’t let you use his blocks?” “Did the dog’s bark frighten you or just surprise you?”

An added benefit: talking to babies, toddlers, children of all ages about these “real things” happening to them is the most powerful, meaningful and natural way for them to learn language.

4. Acknowledging illuminates, helps us understand and empathize.

To state our child’s point of view, we have to first see it, so acknowledging helps to give us clarity.  When we say, “You want me to keep playing this fun game with you, but I’m too tired”, we are encouraged to empathize with our child’s point-of-view (and he ours).

Acknowledging the situation and asking questions (especially when we don’t know the reason our child is upset) can help us to unravel the mystery. “You’re upset and look uncomfortable. You just ate, your diaper is dry. Maybe you need to burp? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.” 

5. Acknowledging struggles might be all the encouragement your child needs to carry on.

This is another scenario in which a simple acknowledgement can work like magic. Rather than saying, “you can do it!”, which can create pressure and set the child up to believe he disappoints us, try saying, “You are working very hard, and you’re making progress. That is tough to do. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?”

6. Acknowledgements instead of praise help children stay inner-directed.

This is as simple as containing our impulse to cheer loudly or say “good job!”, and instead smiling and reflecting, “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was really hard.”

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

7. Acknowledging proves that we are paying attention, makes a child feel understood, accepted, deeply loved and supported.

Could there be any better reason to give it a try?

“People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

“We all need someone who understands.” –Magda Gerber

(Photo by girlwiththecamera on Fickr)

I am 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and my son is now 14 months old. He is a very happy boy, but loves getting into EVERYTHING! When we say no, he has started throwing tantrums, crying, flailing himself as we try to pick him up, etc. He also pinches my face, scratches my arm, hits me and grabs my glasses. Lately we have had a lot of stress in our life due to circumstances out of our control, but my son has been acting this way for a while now. However, with being pregnant and feeling tired all the time, I’m losing it! My husband and I both come from families who spanked. And, although we know they meant good and well, we know behavior is a heart issue and we want to make sure we address the heart issues as our children grow up.

I’ve been really impressed with everything you have written and have actually started using your advice in the last 30 minutes and have seen a difference in how my son responds. However, do you have any advice as to his violent actions towards me, how to keep my cool, and how to teach him to stop? I love my son very much, but have had to leave him crying and walk away so as not to cause more harm to him. I know walking away isn’t the best for him emotionally, but it’s better than me losing it and yelling and spanking him out of anger. By the way, we are trying very hard to do gentle disciplining but are still learning how everything works. So any and all advice you can give would be much appreciated.

Thank you so much!

Blessings,

Amanda

Hi Amanda,

Your boy needs a safe place to play. I can understand your frustration and anger when he gets into things, but it is unfair to expect him to stifle his natural, precious and age-appropriate curiosity. He’s supposed to be “getting into everything”.  That’s a big part of his job description as a 14-month-old active learner and it needs to be encouraged. Instead of hearing “no” all the time and sensing his parents anger, he needs a YES place that’s all his to explore. He needs his parents to spend time there with him watching what he does, appreciating him rather than being annoyed by him. So, for both of you, I strongly recommend making a gated-in play space furnished with some appropriate toys and play objects. 

I’ve heard the arguments. I know some perceive this as “jail”, but I can assure you that this is an adult projection. To young children (especially when we establish these spaces early on) a safe space is freedom, comfort, theirs. At your boy’s age, you will have to take care to frame his new space very positively and include him in the “making of it”. For example, asking your boy, “Shall we keep your balls in this basket or on the shelf over here? Should your animals go in this box, or would you like them placed here on the floor in the corner? Please show me where the trucks should go.” Let him take the lead as much as possible. 

Simple Toys Make Active Babies (Creating a brain-building play space for your baby or toddler – for under $100) is a wonderful new booklet by Alexandra Curtis Boyer that will tell you everything you need to know about developing your son’s special play space.

When the new baby enters the picture, it will be even more important for your boy to have his small, protected play haven and for you to have a way to keep inappropriate toys away from your baby.

The play space, which must definitely include special time with you there, will help alleviate some of the tantrums and behavior issues (lots of “green lights” make the red ones easier to accept), but the outbursts won’t disappear completely. They are a healthy element of toddlerhood.

Also, he will sometimes be in places where everything is not available or appropriate for him to explore. Take care to intervene respectfully. Instead of taking something out of his hands or picking him up and moving him away, whenever possible talk to him first. Acknowledge his desire before setting a boundary, “I see you want to touch my glasses. I can’t let you. They are not safe.”

Gentleness and respect will work wonders, but there will still be episodes of crying and tantruming. They are par for the course with toddlers. Remember that tantrums and crying are entirely different from hitting, scratching, etc., and require a different response.

Tantrums and crying are healthy ways for your boy to release his feelings. When he is doing those things he needs you to support, encourage, and stay engaged with him in a calm, empathetic, non-judgmental manner. These expressions of anger, frustration, worry, sadness, etc., are positive and healthy, not a result of something you are doing wrong or a problem that you have to fix. Understanding the value of your boy’s outbursts will help you to not “take on” the feelings and lose your temper.

It is also normal and common for an upset toddler to act out with you physically. This is another expression of the powerful feelings he’s having, but obviously not behavior you can allow or encourage. He doesn’t want to hurt you, but he feels upset way beyond his control. Gently, but firmly block him from doing those things to you.  Hold his hands to stop him if you need to. Take a deep breath and stay calm. Put him down if you are holding him and he begins to hit, scratch or pinch. Stay nearby and acknowledge, “You are very mad because I stopped you from touching the dog’s food. I understand, but I won’t let you hurt me.” Give him free rein to express his feelings, but make it clear that you will not allow him to hurt you.  Be available for hugs when his outburst has subsided.

Sometimes, your boy’s aggressive reactions and tantrums will seem completely unreasonable. Accept them as being exactly what he needs to do. Remember that toddlers are extremely sensitive, and if you are going through something, he is certain to be feeling it, too. If there are specific stressors in your life that you can share, consider sharing with him. Even just saying, “I’ve been upset all day today because of some problems with the house” (or whatever), “I’m sorry I’ve been grumpy.” Feeling your parent’s tension without any idea what it is about can be very stressful for small children.

Hopefully, the knowledge that his behavior is healthy and age-appropriate will help you to gain the perspective you need to remain calm and confident in the face of his storms. Instead of walking away, yelling or spanking, try distancing yourself emotionally, but remaining available (as a therapist would). If it is at all possible, I recommend speaking to a counselor about the emotional triggers you might be experiencing around your son’s outbursts. This is a common issue for adults who were spanked as children.

For more of my thoughts on non-punitive discipline, please read: No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame.

Take very good care and thanks for reaching out!

Warmly,

Janet

Eva, the 15 month old toddler who captivated and inspired in Don’t Cramp Your Toddler’s Style recently provided her mom Tracy another powerful lesson in trust…

Janet,

I have to share this story with you.  Yet another example of what RIE parenting contributes to. Had I interrupted, tried to fix her feelings, or said, “Don’t touch that snail!” I would have missed the most beautiful moment!

A few days ago, Eva and I watched a big snail crawl up a wall in the sun.  She loved the snail and kept petting him.  At one point she tried to lick the slug, to which I said, “Let’s wait before we start eating escargot.”

Yesterday we went on one of our typical afternoon excursions.   I happened to have my camera with me, because Aunt Laura had sent Eva a cute dress and I wanted her to see her in it.   Eva opened our blue door and was on her way.    As we descended the stairs, Eva suddenly came upon a crushed snail.  When she saw the poor guy, she immediately got upset.  To my surprise, she went over to the flower garden next to him and picked out a few flowers.  She sat down next to the snail, still upset.  Then, she put the flower on the snail.  After his small burial, she walked back home her normal, happy self.

She was so cute and dear, I couldn’t believe it!  I was sad to see her upset, but realized she was having her own little process about the snail.  Watching her reminded me to be aware of others and keep an open and empathetic heart!  I just had to share!

Trace and Eva

“Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative” -Gerber

As the result of being encouraged by her parents to experience the world on her terms as much as possible – supported to be herself – Eva is able to demonstrate her astonishing capacity for empathy, grace, and respect for life.

“At RIE we encourage parents to learn to quiet down, to sit peacefully, to observe and to allow babies to be real. …And as we get sensitized and skilled in the art of observing, we may try the greatest challenge: to look inside – to see, observe and learn about ourselves.” -Gerber

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit
Get over it, get over it

I struggled to maintain an impassive expression, which was especially difficult knowing that this mom is also a psychologist and school counselor.

I’m sure this family’s intentions were good, and I can certainly relate to wanting a child’s emotional outbursts to end as soon as possible. But my heart hurt imagining this child’s experience as his feelings were ridiculed, invalidated, erased. Should children have to ‘snap out of it’, smile and laugh to please their parents when they feel like crying or yelling?

“I may be overly sensitive, but it even bothers me when I see an adult smiling at a crying, upset or sad child. Why do we want to manipulate young children’s moods and feelings?” -Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

Confusion, invalidation, disrespect

Children need our empathy, acceptance, and comfort when they are upset. Even in infancy, our children have a deep need to know that their feelings are legitimate and that expressing them is okay with us. Smiling, laughing, tickling, or telling children they’re okay when they cry might seem more benevolent than reacting angrily or telling them to be quiet, but the message is the same: You shouldn’t be upset. Your feelings aren’t valid or acceptable. A child can’t help but feel his feelings, so he’s left with the sense that there’s something wrong…with him.

A young child’s outbursts may appear to be unreasonable or an overreaction. Still, I’ve learned that we must do all we can to remain patient and let these waves of emotion pass. Feelings are just feelings, and they don’t always make sense. If we make the effort to acknowledge all the hard feelings and also to understand them, we help our child to understand them, too. The child feels unequivocally loved and supported in the process. “You really wanted the blue cup, and I only have the white one. I see how disappointed you are.”

“Sadness, discomfort, frustration – they are all valid human emotions.  Why would we want to suppress them?” –Magda Gerber

Chasing happiness with inauthenticity

I’ve never met a parent who doesn’t have the instinct to please his or her children. Most of us want to do whatever it takes to make our kids happy. This is a great instinct, except when it leads us to faking our own happiness, stifling or indulging a child to avoid hearing her cries and objections, or neglecting opportunities to provide the behavior boundaries a child desperately needs.  When our priority is to ‘keep ‘em smiling’ at all costs, we don’t help ourselves or our children in the long term.

A parent in my class was confused about advice she heard: “Play with your toddler when she throws her cup from the table, she’s signaling the need for a game of catch”.  Seriously? As much as I love to play, I can’t imagine anything less appealing than trying to manufacture fun and playfulness when I’m not feeling it. I strongly disagree with this kind of advice and here’s why…

1. Modeling honesty

We are the most powerful models our children will ever have, and authenticity has to run both ways. Children read our subtext a mile away. We may be smiling and playing games, but they always know when we’re really annoyed, bored, or angry. Imagine how confusing and disconcerting it is for children to receive this dual message (not to mention how exhausting “keeping the party going” is for us).

“Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative. And allow your child to learn about you.  Be genuine and honest in your interactions.  You do not need to put on a sweet smile when you are awakened in the middle of the night. You are sleepy, so act sleepy.” –Magda Gerber

2. Children need answers

Children testing limits deserve a calm, direct and honest response and a little instruction. Toddlers don’t want to be an annoyance to us. But they have to keep testing until they know for certain what we expect them to do or not do. As I suggest in 5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need Redirection (And What Do To Instead), when we avoid confronting these requests and instead distract our child or turn limit setting into a game, the child’s challenging (but healthy!) need for boundaries is not being met. As a result, toddler testing might continue into the 3’s, 4’s and 5’s. Don’t underestimate a toddler’s ability to understand or cope with a truthful response. They need honest interactions with us from the start.

3. Confession…

Children perceive our inauthentic responses as dismissive and uncaring. How do I know? I’m embarrassed to say that I have the habit of covering my own inattention and other awkward moments with unconscious laughter. My 9 year old son has been calling me on it lately. Just the other day, he asked me something while I was writing and I tittered, not having listened to him, and he scolded me. When I asked him, genuinely curious, why my fake laugh bothered him he answered, “It’s like you don’t care at all.” I was chagrined, but it made total sense. The nice thing about 9 year olds is that they can tell you what they’re thinking. Infants and toddlers can’t.

Smile!

I remember everyone, even random strangers, chanting “smile!” at me when I was young. It was well-intentioned, but it was annoying having to perform to please everyone when I didn’t happen to feel like smiling. The worst was “Smile! You’re so much prettier that way!” Must I appear to be happy all the time…and pretty, too? Can’t you like me as I am? What’s so great about a smile, anyway, if it doesn’t come from within?

Magda Gerber believed passionately in nurturing authenticity, inner-directedness, and honest relationships between parents and children. Few child care experts have been as outspoken about these things, especially in regard to infancy.  She was a model of the approach she espoused – couldn’t “fake it” if she tried. Her influence changed my life and I can’t thank her enough. This approach might take more diligence, and we won’t be perfect, but a commitment to authenticity will ultimately set us free – child and parent. And I’m learning that the freedom to be real is a sure way to happiness…the enduring kind.

“I can be sad or happy whenever anything makes me sad or happy; I don’t have to look cheerful for someone else, and I don’t have to suppress my distress or anxiety to fit other people’s needs.  I can be angry and no one will die or get a headache because of it.”  – Dr. Alice Miller, (a baby’s fantasy) Drama of the Gifted Child

“No wonder so many adults seek therapy, trying to sort out how they really feel.” -Magda Gerber

(Photo by Cilou101 on Flickr)

The parents and caregivers I know and have known (myself included) are of a very different ilk – 180 degrees different, in fact. We’re jolted by our baby’s slightest expression of discomfort or dismay. Our instinct is to do anything in our power to stop a baby from crying. When our baby’s cries aren’t easily abated we’re unnerved, frustrated, feel like complete failures. One sound from the baby, and the pressure we feel is enormous. Make the crying stop so I can breathe again.

Perhaps we shush, rock, jiggle, use electric swings, washing machines, pacifiers, drive all over the neighborhood, nurse babies for hours on end, afraid to take them off the breast even while they sleep lest they wake up and cry. Some moms might attempt to sleep all night with a baby latched on. Our own discomfort is better than bearing even a moment of our baby’s.

We do our best to discern the different cries and respond appropriately, but doubts and comparisons loom… Apparently, ’tribal babies’ don’t cry, so what’s the matter with us?

Later, the time comes when we have to say no to our toddlers and they object to our decision and end up crying. This also feels innately wrong. So we either find ways to distract our child or just give in and please him instead, which then causes our children to make increasingly unreasonable demands…because they desperately need our “no” and their cry. But instinct and culture tell us our children shouldn’t be crying, and it’s up to us to make them stop. 

Thankfully there are some intelligent, insightful, compassionate voices of reason out there. Experts like Magda Gerber, Aletha Solter, and Patty Wipfler are champions for your baby’s emotional health…and yours, too. Their books and articles help us to understand that an infant’s cries are not only okay, they serve an important purpose. When babies cry, our job is to tune in, provide help, love and support as needed, but not necessarily stop the crying.

These experts agree that crying is the primary manner in which babies communicate, and we must, without question, respond to our baby’s cries. As Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect: “Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. To follow the advice, “do not let your baby cry,” is practically impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to stop the baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.”

1. When we calm ourselves, we’re able to listen and respond to the true need

When we follow our impulse to quickly stop the crying, we aren’t taking the time to listen to and understand our baby’s cues and less likely to validate the baby’s communication by giving her what she really needs.

“When babies and toddlers don’t feel good, they cry in order to clear the tension they feel.  We try to get them “settled down” with patting, bouncing, walking, pacifiers, and sometimes, the breast.  We’ve been trained to believe that a baby will do better as soon as she is able to stop expressing her upset. …However, you’ll see that when you stop a baby from expressing feelings, she doesn’t actually feel better”   –Patty Wipfler, Hand In Hand Parenting

“An anxious and irritated parent (crying does irritate!) will most likely do what brings the fastest relief – give the breast or bottle. The baby almost always accepts it, calms down and often falls asleep. Of course, this is the right solution if the baby is hungry.  However, if the baby has other needs (for instance being tired or having pain), she will learn to expect food in response to these other needs, and grasp the breast or bottle even though she is not hungry.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

“Why is it so difficult to hold a crying baby and to accept the crying? Probably because few people were allowed to cry as much as needed when they were little. Your parents may have tried to stop you from crying when you were a baby. Perhaps they gave you a pacifier, or kept trying to feed you, or jiggled you every time you cried, thinking this was what you needed at the moment. Perhaps they tried to distract you with toys, music, or games, when all you needed was their undivided attention and loving arms so that you could continue with your crying.” –Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting

2. Crying is natural, healthy healing

When parents first attend my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes, I make a point of letting them know – crying is allowed here. I sense their relief. Gina from The Twin Coach wrote an insightful account of her visit to my class, but her observation that the babies “never once cried” was a rarity! Usually someone cries at least a little. At RIE we understand that babies cry and parents need not feel stressed or embarrassed about it.

”Fortunately, babies come equipped with a repair kit, and can overcome the effects of stress through the natural healing mechanism of crying. Research has shown that people of all ages benefit from a good cry, and tears help to restore the body’s chemical balance following stress.” -Solter

“… when a baby cries about something that’s not actually threatening, or something that is an unavoidable annoyance, she’s engaged in a natural and important endeavor.  She’s having some feelings, and telling you about them.” -Wipfler

“All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn’t cry – no infant can be raised without crying. Respond to the baby, reflecting that you are there and that eventually you will understand the reasons for the crying.” -Gerber

“A growing number of psychologists believe that the healing function of crying begins at birth, and that stress-release crying early in life will help prevent emotional and behavioral problems later on.” -Solter

3. Wild animals won’t eat our babies

Babies could not cry in primitive societies because their survival was at stake. Nor could these children squeal with exuberance like my neighbor’s children are doing at this very moment (and I love that sound), or sing at the top of their lungs in a high-pitched voice like my son often does first thing in the morning. His joyful noise is a little unnerving before the caffeine’s done its job, but I’m grateful to have a child who wakes up exceedingly happy, feels free to express himself and lives in a society in which freedom of expression is not only allowed, but encouraged and valued.

I can certainly understand relating to a particular primitive practice and choosing to adopt it. But comparing ourselves and our babies to tribal families without taking into account the context in which these ancestral behaviors “worked” makes little sense to me. The realities of our lives and the expectations we have for our children couldn’t be more different.

4. Passing down our discomfort

“Our culture tends to block and suppress the healthy expression of deep emotions. Some adults remember being punished, threatened, or even abused when they cried as children. Others remember their parents using kinder methods to stop them from crying, perhaps through food or other distractions. This early repression of crying could be one factor leading to the use of chemical agents later in life to repress painful emotions.” -Solter

“It’s painful to listen to a crying baby. Grown-ups tend to overreact to a child’s cry. Why? Because crying often stirs up painful memories of our own childhood, churning up issues of abandonment and fear. Perhaps as babies or young children we were not allowed to cry and were distracted or reproached when we did. Our children’s tears many trigger in us these buried memories of rage, helplessness, or terror, taking us back to those early years. Our baby’s message may then become muddled in our own issues. Try to listen to your baby to hear what she is saying.” -Gerber

5. Less abuse?

If we could all be more comfortable with babies crying would parents be less likely to abuse? My guess is yes.

“For instance, sometimes babies cry when we disappear into the shower, when a friendly stranger approaches, or when we put them down to crawl or walk.  Many babies develop a hatred of their car seat. Some parents decide to go for days without a shower, or to carry their baby all the time, in an effort to remedy this kind of crying.  Life gets harder, and parenting less enjoyable.” -Wipfler

6. Calm breeds calm

There is no one more sensitive than an infant and the people he is most sensitive to are his parents. Every interaction we have is an educational experience. Babies want what all of us want when we cry — to be heard, understood, and helped if possible. Sometimes the help they need is our calm support so that they can fully express their feelings.

“Do not start crazy tricks.  Infants do not need them at any age, and neither do you. Do not make babies dependent on distractions that you do not want them to depend on later. …Your baby will learn to be calm from a calm parent in a calm atmosphere.” –Gerber

7. We bond through gentle, calm listening and observing, honesty and acceptance.

“What can parents do? First of all, it is important to check for immediate needs and discomforts, such as hunger or coldness. But if your baby is still fussy after you have filled her basic needs, it is quite appropriate simply to hold her lovingly and allow her to continue crying.” -Solter

“A crying baby responds to gentleness and calmness. Respond slowly and acknowledge that she is crying by saying, “You’re crying. What’s the matter?” Next, make sure that her basic needs are taken care of.  Be sure your baby is fed and warm.  Some babies are more sensitive to a wet diaper than others, so check that.  If she is neither hungry nor tired and seems to have no other pressing need, observe her to discover the possible source of any other discomfort. Tell her you’re trying to understand what she wants. This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.” – Gerber

“After a good cry, your baby will connect with you.  And she will thrive. …You’ve listened and let her tell you, in her powerful nonverbal way, what was on her mind.  There’s nothing like being heard fully to settle a child’s mind, and help her feel loved.” -Wipfler

References (all of which I recommend):

Aletha Solter: “What To Do When Your Baby Cries” and “Crying For Comfort – Distressed Babies Need To Be Held” from Aware Parenting

Patty Wipfler: “In Your Arms Crying Heals The Hurt” from Birthways Newsletter  

Magda Gerber: Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect and Your Self Confident Baby: How To Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities From The Very Start

The Twin Coach: “How Doing Less Could Make You A Better Parent”

(Photo by tostadophotos.com on Flickr)

I was reminded of Magda’s appreciation of a good debate when I happened upon a parent’s question about the RIE approach on Dr. Laura Markham’s Aha Parenting Facebook page. As an admirer of Dr. Laura’s child care articles and her passionate support of parents, I was curious to read her response. And, of course, I couldn’t help chiming in… Here’s the conversation that ensued.

Shannon:

I was just reading something about the RIE approach. And at first I thought it sounded interesting — letting children develop at their own pace, not hovering, etc. But then I did a little more research and I’m seeing a lot about it not being compatible with an instinctual style of parenting. Curious if you’ve heard of RIE and your thoughts on it?

Dr Laura:

Shannon -
That is a great question. I like many things about the RIE philosophy, especially around respect and play:

1. Respect for the baby as a real human with opinions, perceptions, needs. This includes talking to the baby, observing, saying what you see (“You don’t like it when I change your diaper”), empathizing.

2. Seeing myself as an assistant during play, rather than a director (which I also got from my training in play therapy)

3. Showing up with full presence with our child and giving her our full attention.

4. Sensitivity to meeting each child where he is, and supporting him to explore and grow from there, rather than pushing him to meet some external model of milestones/ achievements.

HOWEVER, Magda Gerber lived at a different time and did not have the information we have today. So, for instance, she believed that babies will “learn to self soothe”… “if she isn’t picked up at the slightest expression of discomfort.” We know from brain research that this is simply not true. Babies learn to self-soothe by being soothed by parents, that is how the neural networks develop that are necessary to deliver the soothing biochemicals.

Gerber says that if a baby’s needs have been taken care of, she should be allowed to express her feelings through crying. I agree completely. BUT she thinks the baby should be left alone to do that crying, which I think is barbaric. Babies don’t want to be left alone to cry, and we know that because it sends their body into a stage of emergency, with their cortisol levels through the roof. Of course babies are allowed to have and express their feelings as Gerber says, but they need us with them or they get the message that they are all alone with those big feelings.

Also, I find it surprising that Gerber was so rigid about some things. For instance, she felt strongly that babies should be left to play on their backs while they are awake. Some babies will love that. Many will not, they insist on being held. Some like a mixture. Obviously, I would listen to the needs of my individual baby, which I am surprised that Gerber did not.

Gerber was also against the family bed, concerned that parents would not get enough privacy. All I can say about that is that it shows a lack of imagination which I assume came from her age. I think I speak for a lot of family bed moms when I say that for me it was actually exciting to find new places in the house to enjoy some privacy with my husband when our bed was occupied with small children!

So what you read about RIE being at odds with instinct might be about what I would call Gerber’s cultural resistance to what we think of today as the practices of attachment and Continuum parenting, which are basically instinctual in nature. Does that sound like what you meant? –Laura

p.s. Janet Lansbury (http://www.facebook.com/ja​netlansburyElevatingChildC​are) and Lisa Sunbury (http://www.facebook.com/re​gardingbaby?sk=info) are both RIE advocates, and I admire them both. So you can also check out their pages for more info on RIE as well.

Shannon:

Yes, that’s exactly what I meant! I almost purchased a book on RIE, but started to become concerned pretty quickly as I read the few negative reviews the books were getting. The rest were so positive, but the few negatives all voiced concerns that I personally would have with the theory as well, if they were true. And it sounds like they are. I will check out the links you sent, as I’m curious for a more modern take on RIE. I’m a big believer in fostering children to be independent, but I also believe that comes from a close bond with their families — not from just letting them “figure it out” on their own via CIO and such. Anyway, thank you so much for responding, I very much appreciate it!

Me: 

Dr. Laura, I appreciate your detailed response to Shannon’s questions…but there are quite a few misinterpretations here…. The one I want to clarify immediately is that Magda Gerber would NEVER advise being unresponsive to a baby’s cries. Like Aletha Solter, she believed that babies should be listened to, supported and allowed to cry when they want to cry, when their other needs have been met.

The RIE philosophy is all about tuning into the individuality of the baby, perceiving a newborn as a whole and separate person and beginning a mindful connection from the start. Magda offered specific suggestions for doing that, like *observing*, and always communicating verbally before picking a baby up and giving the baby the opportunity to subtly communicate readiness. She believed that our “person to person” connection needed to begin right away.

Yes, babies need to be held, and Magda Gerber advocated “attentive” holding, holding a baby with the mind and heart, not so much as a passenger while our focus is elsewhere. (And, yes, this is different from practices in some primitive societies, like the one the Continuum author wrote about). Gerber and Dr. Pikler were unique in that they advocated time for infant free movement as well, so that the baby can begin to explore “self“. Babies are able to move most freely on their backs, but this is never something to be FORCED on a baby when a baby doesn’t want it! Babies let you know quite clearly when they need to be held…but it’s almost impossible for a young infant to let you know she needs time to move on her own. In fact, that isn’t something a baby knows she needs the way she knows she’s needs contact with us. It’s up to us to recognize self-initiated play as valuable, and provide opportunities for it, while closely observing the baby’s response.

And that reminds me of something else that Magda Gerber recognized (that I don’t hear other experts acknowledging). Babies become accustomed to our choices for them. The habits we create (like pacifiers for soothing, constant carrying, etc.) can then become our child’s “needs”. This can be confusing for parents as they try to recognize the difference between an individual baby’s true needs and the “parent-created” ones.

Dr. Laura, once again, I so appreciate all you do. Thank you for your support and the opportunity to engage in this conversation.

Shannon:

I’m enjoying your response a lot, Janet. I have a fairly “AP”-ish outlook on child-rearing, but for me, that means more than anything knowing your baby, responding to their needs, and using intuition over anything else. For instance, my son hated being in a carrier. SOOOO many people told me to let him get used to it — but that wasn’t his thing. It still isn’t. He doesn’t like being held close. He wanted to be held all the time as a baby, but only so he could see and look out at the world, and as soon as he could play in any sort of bouncer that let him sit up and be independent, he was suddenly the happiest baby ever. At 19 months, he is a never-ending bundle of energy who doesn’t stop — holding is out of the question, unless he actually “needs” me for comfort and such. He also totally rejected co-sleeping early on. He likes to sleep where there’s lots of room to move. I had a lot of guilt over that at first. But I realized finally that that’s his temperament. He’s his own person and I respect that. Son #2 is on the way in a few months — I can’t wait to see how this one differs from his brother. It’s all part of the journey! Thank you for your very thoughtful response, I appreciate it!

Me:

Thanks, Shannon. You sound like a great mom to me…and, as I’m sure Dr. Laura would agree, you shouldn’t ever feel guilty about listening to your baby and doing things that work for both of you!

Dr. Laura and Shannon, thank you again for this exchange and for allowing me to share it. Since I wasn’t able to take the time to address all of Dr. Laura’s issues with the RIE approach on Facebook, I’m hoping to continue the discussion with everyone here…

(Photo of babies enjoying a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class is by Jude Keith Rose)

Infant specialist Magda Gerber encouraged parents and caregivers to embrace this time together with honesty. Most of us have the strong temptation to distract a crying child with games, songs, or toys, to discount her feelings by telling her it’s okay and she shouldn’t cry. But to ensure healthy emotional development, a child’s feelings of fear and loss during separation need to be expressed and heard, not erased or invalidated.

Accepting this worthy challenge to allow babies their feelings has the added benefit of presenting  a wonderful opportunity for intimacy and bonding. When a child is supported to share his pain, his trust deepens.

I was reminded of this subject when a family in Mexico I correspond with asked how to help their 26 month old deal with a vacationing nanny…

Janet,

Thanks for your time.

My wife and I are very worried. Mateo’s nanny will not be at home for 6 weeks, and we do not know how to help him to manage the separation.

Today was his first day without the old nanny, and he has been very irritated. We tried to make the change less strong for him. We had our nanny stay for a week with the new nanny so that he could familiarize. Also we prepared him a few days before his nanny would go.

Could you help us?!

 Regards, 
Mario and Adriana

Hi Mario and Adriana,

Do you know this stanza from the poem by Lord Tennyson? (Don’t know if it translates!)

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I understand how hard it is to see your boy uncomfortable, but loving someone means missing that person when she’s gone, whether it’s temporary or forever. You’ve done everything right. Now, rather than try to make the change “less strong for him”, encourage him to express his feelings of loss completely. He’s attached to his nanny and that is a wonderful thing. All you can really do is support and acknowledge his feelings. Ask the new caregiver to do that, too. “You must miss Nanny so much. She’s gone for a while, but she’ll be back.” “You were always comfortable with Nanny because she knew you so well. It’s hard to get used to someone new.”

Keep talking about it. Listen to his discomfort and complaints. Allow him to cry. Encourage it. Hold him in your arms and let him feel all his feelings. It may be rough for you, but it will be very good for him, because he will then be able to move on and accept the new situation.

Best regards,
Janet

I share much more on this subject in Good Grief – When Babies Need To Cry