Then, once babies are able to grasp and move, they begin to show us some of their thought processes. (“Hmmm…wonder how this wooden ring would taste and feel in my mouth.” Or “I’m ready to crawl back to mommy for some hugs and refueling.”). In the second year they begin to tell us.

To follow a baby it’s best to discard any play “agendas” we might have, stifle our impulses to entertain, teach, demonstrate or even help. This can be challenging. We’re naturally eager to connect and might find it hard to believe that our supportive presence is enough. But, in fact, it’s even better than enough because it allows our children to engage with us on their terms — by bringing us a toy, for example, or looking at us to indicate their wish for a response. Meanwhile, our quiet attention is distinctly felt by our babies. Remember, babies have an even higher overall awareness level than adults. Recent studies show that they are actually unable to tune out stimuli in their environment and focus solely on one thing. They may not yet know-it-all, but they sense-it-all.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with entertaining babies, showing them toys and how to play with them from time to time. But to encourage baby-led adventures we must keep in mind that we are incredibly captivating, larger-than-life figures to our children. We are life to them. We are the world. So, when we do anything, our child’s tendency will be to focus on us. Encouraging a baby to lead play means we must be patient, observant and responsive in a gentle way so that we don’t interrupt the child’s process. It’s well worth it.

Here’s why…

The child:

1. Designs the perfect curriculum

OK, I admit I have a fantasy about reading babies’ minds. I would love to know what a baby is thinking as he gazes up at the trees, stares at shadows on the wall, feels the breeze, hears the dog barking or daddy’s footsteps and “Hello!” as he walks in the front door.  But in reality, children are the only ones who know what interests them and what they are working on. Given a reasonably enriching environment, each individual baby is capable of designing a curriculum that is meaningful, pertinent and developmentally appropriate for him or her.  Our ideas and decisions can’t compete, and can only distract from the important business at hand. 

2. Accepts limits more readily

When babies are given the freedom to lead their play adventures — allowed to spend much of their time being inner-directed — they accept direction more readily. That doesn’t mean they always obediently follow our wishes (if only!). Infants and toddlers (especially) have a healthy need to resist and disagree. But our directions are much easier for a child to swallow when he has been trusted to be autonomous in his ‘free’ time in a safe play space. When a child has lots of green lights, he is much more amenable to accepting the red and yellow ones.

3. Learns to occupy himself and enjoys doing so

This one’s a big plus for parents, too. Babies allowed to lead their play adventures amaze friends and relatives with their long attention spans and interesting antics. They are a pleasure to be with because they don’t require us to expend energy entertaining them (and don’t need TV, either).  

4. Practices being a leader, innovator, self-learner, explorer

Playtime is the rare opportunity babies have to be a leader instead of a follower, an innovator and initiator rather than an imitator, totally inner-directed. Encourage them to take full advantage.

5. Feels trusted and appreciated

Encouraging baby-led adventures means trusting babies to do what they wish, their way, in their time. So, our baby receives a consistent, profound message from the people who matter most to him…he is interesting and capable, and we wouldn’t change a thing.

The adult:

Does less… learns much more… is surprised, amazed and inspired… enjoys the ride.

Adventures like these are parenting gold – the secret to enjoying our job and the inspiration needed to carry us through even the longest of days. These are precious opportunities to leave our hurries, worries, all our agendas behind and enjoy now.

It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from her. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if she had not been allowed to explore in her own way. With practice, this relaxed sitting back becomes easier. – Magda Gerber

For a demonstration of the benefits of baby-led adventures, here’s a video I’ve also shared in Infant Play – Great Minds At Work and Baby, Interrupted – 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus And Attention Span. Please check my YouTube channel for other vivid examples of independent play.

One more thing… There is a fantastic new book by RIE Associate Alexandra Curtis Boyer that provides a complete guide for fostering infant/toddler play in your home or child care setting. Simple Toys Make Active Babies – Creating A Brain-Building Play Space For Your Baby Or Toddler is small but packed with tools and helpful information about play. If this had been around when my children were babies, I would have referred to it often.

(Photo: My baby’s adventure that day led her to dreamland. She led the dog there, too. I could only follow through my imagination…)

In a recent RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class, a 10 month old infant presented vivid examples of self-directed, active learning through independent play and, thankfully, I had the camera rolling. Watch this baby developing gross and fine motor skills, problem solving, experimenting with objects, movement and sound (notably endearing vocals in this case). You see his long attention span (each play segment was edited for length) and sense him taking pride in his accomplishments.

Here are some things to note in the video…

Problem solving

The boy solves the first problem successfully when he realizes he needs two hands to pick up the blue ball. Later he struggles to separate two plastic baskets and isn’t able to, but notice how unbothered and unstressed he is! He just moves on to something else. Children are not easily discouraged and don’t expect to resolve every issue unless they are accustomed to adults fixing things for them.

Motor skills

Babies need plenty of opportunities to initiate the natural development of motor skills as this boy does through manipulation of the ball, car, jar, bottle, etc. You also see him crawling, sitting, practicing standing (and getting down again) and taking some first steps (!) by pushing the chair and the bottle.

Sounds

Babies experiment with vocalizations and sounds they make with objects, and often mimic or echo sounds they hear. If you listen closely you’ll notice this boy repeating the tapping sounds another child is making.

Intervention

There is only one unsafe item in the RIE classroom, and the babies are (of course) drawn to it. It’s a floor seat (called a BackJack) with a metal frame that can fall on a baby when a parent isn’t sitting on it. Watch how a mom (not the baby’s) sensitively and respectfully handles the floor seat issue, validating rather than discouraging the baby’s exploration. I have the most amazing parents in my classes!

Responses

While observing children engaged in independent play, my goal is to be responsive while taking care not to interrupt. The way I usually gauge a non-intrusive response is to wait for the baby to initiate it. So, when the baby looks towards me or talks to me I say something about what he’s doing. In this video you’ll see some examples, including me starting to say “I hear that sound”, but then changing my mind midstream and inventing a new word, no doubt causing linguistic confusion for this adorable boy for many years to come.

Okay, on with the video…

Please share your observations!

Lucy had almost ventured out the week before but decided to stop at the doorway and investigate tape wrapped around the bottom corner of the door instead. She remained there entranced until class ended.

According to the findings from recent brain studies, infants and toddlers can’t help but notice every detail in their environment. They view the world with “lantern-type” attention rather than a focused beam of light. Easily distracted and insatiably curious, a piece of tape beckons as powerfully as a deck flooded with L.A. sunshine.

Lucy’s dad shared his observations about his daughter’s evolution from shifting, pivoting, and inching across the floor to her new ability to sit, climb up and over a 3 inch platform, and set off speedily in a direction of her choosing. At home he had noticed Lucy repeating movements back and forth, “as if loosening a hinge”, testing out new positions and then resuming her more familiar patterns.  

These self-initiated tests — repetitions, explorations, experiments — are the way children learn.  Learning to move comes naturally, but each infant must still “reinvent the wheel” for him or herself. Most importantly, as infant expert Magda Gerber taught us, while babies are developing and practicing their motor skills, they are also learning how to learn.

Babies discover that learning is about making mistakes and risking failures to make progress. It’s exciting, rewarding and frustrating. It takes enormous effort and persistence. It means being flexible, open to trying another way.  Sometimes it means straining to reach an object an inch away, finally getting traction, only to find you’re scooting backwards instead. Typically, it’s taking two steps forward and then kerplunk! But as parents we must realize: this process of struggle comes naturally to infants.

Magda Gerber advocated ample opportunities for uninterrupted infant play each day. How unusual this advice was, and still is. “Parents know they should hold their babies, but they don’t know to give their babies this time, time to move and explore.” 

If we give babies these daily opportunities to ‘learn how to learn’, we instill in them a positive attitude toward obstacles, challenges, and problem solving.  These babies, able to maximize their talents with innate learning skills, grow to be independent and capable students who find every aspect of school easier, more enriching, less stressful. I know this from experience – with my own kids and others. 

In fact, the comments I’ve just read in my middle daughter’s first high school progress report could just as easily have described her playing as an infant — could be descriptive of Lucy and the many other infants I’ve observed, too: “Participates actively”; “tremendous work ethic”; “has very impressive focus and concentration”; “spirited enthusiasm and a high level of self-motivation”; “diligent work habits”; “attentive when her peers are offering their input or asking questions”; “engaged and involved in everything that happens each day – working to build a solid understanding of the material.”  And one I really admire and appreciate from my daughter’s graphic design teacher: “quickly caught on to software tools and has wrangled them to eloquently express her ideas.” 

A child’s positive, productive attitude towards learning begins as an infant — on the floor.

“As we observe infants, it almost looks as if they are working rather than playing: they are fully involved, absorbed in what they are doing. We don’t need to invent exercises for them. They learn to follow their instincts and to trust their own judgment.”

-Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect

i still would like to know what a parent is doing (or not doing) for a baby to play independently for 3-4 hours straight….

i would also like to know how many times a day this baby is playing like this…?….2-3 times a day for 3-4 hours straight…?…..if not then what is the baby doing for the rest of his 10 hour day beside the time it takes to nap..eat…and change a diaper….?….

does that baby ever protest being in his “safe” space…?….what does the parent do when this happens…?…..

i feel like i have set up the right conditions for long independent play to happen according to Gerber’s book and what i have read on this site……

safe play space…?….check.

interesting yet simple play objects…?…check.

baby…?…check.

what am i missing…..?….

it seems to me that the little soul i was gifted to care for wants to do things way before his time….like…he wants to sit up so badly….but can’t do it on his own yet….so i will watch him try to sit up from a back lying position….after so many times….he looks at me as if he is pleading with me to sit him up…..i know that this is his least mobile position…so i try to resist….but i usually end up giving in after a while…..

on a good day he will play independently for an hour or so before needing a “recharge”……his thing is rolling…..he is not necessarily into his objects but using them as a reason to retrieve discard and roll to the next thing….he will stop and explore a few objects like the spatula…wooden spoon….metal bowl…or random piece of string hanging from a pillow or something…..but after he has done a few laps across the floor and explored a few objects…he is ready to get up……

i find myself avoiding his gaze a lot of the time when he is on the floor…..especially when i trying to get something done (like get dressed in the morning)…..because i know as long as he thinks i am not watching him he will play….but the minute he realizes i am looking he drops everything and starts “pleading” to be picked up….

help.

ps….i KNOW there is a such thing as baby boredom…Gerber may say it is not boredom but lack of stimulation or disinterest in a toy…..but this sounds like the same thing it me….

..the idea of constantly putting your child in the “safe” space for 80% of their waking hours…even if you are switching out the play objects just doesn’t sound right to me…..please enlighten….

Hi Mary Ellen,

First, I want to laud you and cheer you on in your efforts to establish uninterrupted play periods for your boy. I know it is hard to do with only Magda Gerber’s books to guide you…without classes or community support.  Please hang in there. I can promise that you will never regret what you are working towards.  Sorry if this sounds like a sales pitch, but I really can’t emphasize enough how well this approach works, and how beneficial it will be to you and your child in the near and distant future.

You’ll thank Magda Gerber when your friends and relatives react with astonishment that your boy is so “un-clingy”, can entertain himself and is so fun to watch.  They’ll chalk it up to his personality (and give you no credit at all).

You’ll thank Magda when your son’s teachers comment that he is such a focused, self-confident, independent learner.

You’ll thank her when your son only ever wants minimal help with homework.

And you’ll thank her when he is requested for play dates by other children and their parents because he knows how to create play.

How much time playing? Playing for one hour at your baby’s age is FANTASTIC!  Fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes would all be excellent, too. Please know that the three to four hour example I gave was a one-and-only, truly bizarre experience I had with one of my daughters. I would never dream of expecting a baby to play uninterrupted for such a long period of time.

But I am suggesting that he spends the majority of his awake time free to move in safe play areas. You aren’t “putting” him somewhere all day. You are giving him a place where he is free to move and doesn’t have to be interrupted with “No, that’s not safe, don’t touch that”.  And you are also spending time there with him. Sit on the floor to one side of his play area. Enjoy what he does. Respond when he looks toward you. Be available if he wants to take a break and be held, but stay there on the floor while you hold him so that he can easily choose to go back to playing.

Magda Gerber called this kind of engaged observation “Wants nothing quality time.”

Then, don’t sneak away, but say, “I’m going to do some work now (or whatever). I’ll be nearby if you need me.” If he objects, and you think he still has energy to play, you could say, “I hear you. You didn’t want me to leave. I’ll be coming back in five minutes.”

Don’t allow him to cry for more than a few minutes without returning to sit with him, but keep in mind that he’s never going to say, “Oh, go ahead mom and enjoy your time in the bathroom”.  Parenting is building a relationship. He has to learn about your needs, too. And he’s going to object to lots of things you do or want him to do over the years. He has a right. Acknowledge his differing opinion, but whether it’s reading the paper, working nearby, or going to get a glass of water, take care of yourself, even when he complains.

Sitting up.  Your boy’s desire to sit up, and you helping him to do so, is a big part of what is getting in the way with his independent play. Whatever we do with our babies becomes habit for them. And it sounds like your darling boy has the expectation that you will sit him up (eventually). If he was not used to you positioning him that way, he would not request that from you, or try to sit up that way himself. When babies sit themselves up they do so from an all-fours crawling position, or from lying on their sides, never from their backs (unless they are amazing, mini Jack Lalannes!)

When your son asks you to sit him up, talk to him. “I know I pull you up sometimes, but now I’m going to let you move on your own.” If he gets too frustrated and cries, pick him up and hold him in your arms to give him a break, but don’t sit him up on the floor.  Why? Because our baby gets in the habit of being positioned, and his anticipation of our intervention distracts him from playing and interferes with his natural gross motor development. Infants and toddlers need to practice and experiment with all the “in-between” positions, including twisting, kicking, stretching, rolling, pivoting, eventually scooting, rocking on all fours, then sitting, crawling, etc.

Rolling and pleading. The rolling is wonderful! When he “pleads” to be picked up, go to him and talk to him first, letting him know you hear him. If that doesn’t calm him, lie down next to him and try hanging out for a little while. If he continues to show discomfort, hold him on your lap on the floor. He may go back to playing. The idea is to intervene as minimally as possible. Often our babies just want to know that we understand.

If he has rested in your arms, but still seems bored with playing, it usually means he needs a nap.

Mary Ellen, I wish you were in one of my classes…this would be so much easier to explain. Please comment back with more information to guide me…and once again, bravo!

(This is the first of several posts I’ll be writing in response to questions about the nuts and bolts of helping babies play independently. Please contribute any queries or comments.)

Hi Janet,

I am just wondering if you have any advice on how I can get my 8 month old baby to play independently.  I have been following the Dr. Sears Attachment Parenting philosophy pretty rigidly since James was born and to my dismay, he is now super clingy, whiny, wakes up every 2 hours at night to nurse, etc.  I am starting to re-think my parenting philosophy and reading your blog has really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to stop carrying him around and just let him play.  The problem is that every time I leave him, he cries.  He literally needs to be touching me to be happy.  Even if I am sitting across the room from him, he will not just sit there and play.  He always crawls over to me crying because he wants me to entertain him and play with him.  Should I just leave him in the room and let him cry? Will he eventually stop crying and start playing on his own?  I’m just so at a loss.  I feel like such a failure.  I just wish my baby would be happy!  Thanks for any advice. 

Regards, Sarah                                             

Hi Sarah, 

First of all, you are most DEFINITELY not a failure! And, at 8 months of age your boy is very adaptable. Babies get used to whatever we do with them and will naturally want to continue those practices, but we can also make changes anytime. The best way to make a change is to first be certain of what you are doing (committed to changing, whatever it is). Then be very honest with your boy, and support him to transition. 

It sounds like there are two issues you want to work on: better sleep and more independent play time. They actually overlap because the more restfully your baby sleeps, the more energy he will have to play. The more freedom he has to move his body during the day, the more exercise he gets, the better he will sleep.  Tired babies have a harder time coping, period. (Something we can all relate to!) 

I don’t know how committed you are to co-sleeping, but our presence can wake an older infant up sometimes, especially if he is used to being fed every time he wakes. If you plan to continue co-sleeping, I would try doing less when he wakes up — just stroke him gently and tell him to go back to sleep. (If you and your doctor believe he still needs a nighttime feeding, then you might feed him once, maybe the first time he wakes.) 

Tell him what you will do (or not do) the day before you decide to change the pattern. ”Tonight, if you wake up, we won’t be nursing. I want you to go right back to sleep.”  If he cries in the night you can even acknowledge,” I know we used to nurse in the night, but I want you to get a better sleep,” or something like that… (For more about sleep please see: Sleep On This, and Back To Sleep.) 

During playtime, acknowledge the changes the same way. Don’t leave him for long in the beginning. And if you leave him, even for a moment, make sure he is in a safe, securely enclosed play space. 

Sit on the floor with James in his play area. Since he is crawling, you can allow him to be the one to separate, to move away from you.  If he starts to cry, move close to him and say, “I hear you’re upset. I used to carry you more. Now I’m allowing you to move on your own.” You might want to stroke him soothingly as you talk to him.  Let him deal with it for longer and longer periods of time before you pick him up.  Acknowledge any frustration. Pay attention to him, but don’t coax or entertain him to prolong his playtime. If he continues to cry just say, “Okay, you still seem upset, I’m going to pick you up.” Hold him on your lap on the floor to give him a break. If he crawls to you on the floor, let him stay on your lap, but don’t entertain him or carry him all around and make it exciting!  

The most important thing is to know you are giving him something very, VERY positive! And you’re just helping him adjust. He will eventually ADORE his playtime. Don’t feel guilty or unsure. That can make it harder for him, make him more uneasy. Every recent child development study corroborates the importance of infant play and exploration. 

For more details and a short video that demonstrates an infant reaping the benefits of independent play, please see: Baby, Interrupted – 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus And Attention Span and Infant Play – Great Minds At Work.   

Generally, changes are much easier for our babies than we think they will be, once we commit. So go easy on yourself and take good care. Please keep me posted!

 All the best, Janet                

(This post is in no way meant as an ”attack” on Attachment Parenting.  In fact, I welcome any commentary from the Attachment Parenting perspective on Sarah’s issues!)

Thankfully, our infants don’t need to go to the gym, take exercise classes, or be transformed by private trainers from round cherubs into buff babies for the joyful habit of physical activity to become deeply ingrained in them. All they need is time to do what children do best – play! Since our babies quickly become accustomed to the routines that we establish, infancy is the best and easiest time for us to help our child begin the healthy habit of active play. 

Infants and toddlers are discovering how their bodies work. They need to be unencumbered by baby equipment and the adjusting and positioning of adults so that they can safely find balance and self-reliance. The challenge for parents is to trust rather than teach (because teaching means interfering) and to let our baby show us what he is ready to do by doing it himself — naturally.   

Allowing for free movement means losing bouncy seats, swings, jumpers and walkers, limiting the use of carriers, slings and strollers, all of which restrict our baby and/or do the activity for him. The position which allows our infant maximum mobility is on his back. (Try giving yourself ‘tummy time’ and feel how less mobile you are.) For the first weeks, infants do not need much space, but their safe play area should grow as they do, so they continue to have ample room to move. A safe outdoor play area is best whenever possible.

Here are some immediate and long term benefits of baby exercise: 

1)      Physical fitness, obesity prevention.  Physical activity, not just the organized kind, but free, active play helps prevent obesity. It is so much easier to form healthy habits when our children are small than it is to break the habit of less independent, more passive, sedentary activities when they are school age. Giving babies plenty of time for free play may not solve this complex issue, but it’s a scoot in the right direction, and it’s something we can all do. 

2)      Cognitive functioning. No matter how laid-back some of us may appear we all want our children’s brains to function at peak capacity. There are new studies every week confirming the positive effects of physical activity on attention span, achievement, test scores, and memory. So, let’s allow our children to get a move on and take full advantage. 

3)      Eat, Sleep, Digestion. When a baby has opportunities to move his limbs, extend and stretch his back, eventually propel himself to roll, scoot and crawl, he eats better, sleeps more restfully, and his bowels work better. As many of us recognize, these benefits of physical activity continue into adulthood. 

4)      Self-confidence and independence. Our babies are born to us wholly dependent. The one way they can experience a taste of independence and begin to understand and express ‘self’ is through self-initiated play and movement. An infant who has ample opportunity to experiment and test his physical abilities without adult assistance becomes a tenacious problem solver. And learning he can overcome obstacles builds self-confidence (like finally finding the know-how to move that arm that keeps getting stuck beneath him as he rolls onto his belly). 

5)      Grace, poise, assuredness and more. World renowned Hungarian pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler went against the grain in 1946 when she advocated natural gross motor development – “non-interference” in a healthy child’s development. She studied the contrasts between the children who had been taught, propped, positioned and restricted in devices like infant seats, walkers and bouncers, and those who were given freedom of movement and allowed to develop at their own rate. Dr. Pikler found that the natural approach not only affected the quality of motor skills, but also influenced “all other areas of growth – social, emotional, cognitive – and even character development.” “Pikler babies”, as the children in her practice were known, could be easily distinguished at the parks in Budapest, because they were “poised and graceful, alert and friendly, and so confidently independent.” 

6)      Safety. When our infant spends his day developing motor skills naturally, he becomes well-practiced and deeply in tune with his physical capabilities. He has better control and takes only calculated risks. These children learn to fall safely and get up again, and they seldom have serious physical accidents. 

7)      Relaxation, mood elevation, clarity. Moving our bodies can bring us out of even the deepest doldrums. My most creative ideas, and solutions to issues I thought I’d never find my way around suddenly materialize in the alert-relaxed state I’m in when I run. I can only imagine what babies are dreaming up as they stretch, twist, pivot, flex their feet and grasp their toes. I know I get a big kick out of watching them. 

Giving our infants a safe environment with opportunities for free, unconfined, and self-directed movement fosters their innate desire to explore, practice and perfect physical skills. They are then naturally geared toward a lifelong inclination to exercise, which (as stacks of research conclude) will lead them to a longer, healthier, (brainier) and happier life. 

So, as babies might all say if they could, “Let’s roll.”

For more about natural gross motor development, please read Don’t Stand Me Up and Set Me Free (No Baby Equipment Needed)

These are children who are less physically self-assured than they might be for one simple reason: their motor skills are not being allowed to develop naturally.

Infant expert Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE, advised parents to trust an infant to do what his body is able to do, and to give the child time to achieve the next physical milestone when he is ready, without adult interference. Unfortunately, this central tenet of the RIE approach to child care runs counter to society’s conventional wisdom. Doctors, friends and neighbors inadvertently make us feel that our child’s motor skills must advance as quickly as possible. They ask if our child is sitting, crawling, standing or walking yet, and we worry that there may be something terribly wrong if the answer is ‘no.’

Parents should relax in the knowledge that each infant’s development is directed by his unique inborn timetable. Infants will always do what they are capable of doing and are naturally wired to advance their physical abilities independently. They never hold back. An infant who is given ample opportunity to move freely on his back will discover ‘tummy time’ on his own. Eventually he learns to roll to his back again. He then progresses to crawling, creeping, sitting, standing, climbing, walking, running and jumping, all without the need for parental prompting, propping or other intrusion. As Magda Gerber said: “Readiness is when they do it.”

There are countless benefits to giving a child ownership over the pace of his gross motor development. For one, he gains self-assurance, because each new skill is initiated and engineered by the child. The child will instinctively work to develop the muscle strength, flexibility and balance needed to achieve the next step. These children advance with a keen awareness of their physical capabilities. Magda Gerber reminded parents, “Earlier does not mean better.” She taught caregivers to appreciate the quality of a child’s movements, rather than rushing the speed of development.

Having observed infants for years, I can usually distinguish a toddler who was allowed to achieve his mobility freely from a child who was not. Magda Gerber was able to perceive these differences even in older children. Several years ago I met a young teacher named Leslie at a RIE conference who shared an account of Magda’s observational abilities during a visit to Leslie’s preschool. Some of the students at the school had been cared for in an infant center associated with RIE. To Leslie’s amazement, Magda was able to identify these children on the playground. Magda said that she recognized the RIE children by their agility and poise. Astounded, Leslie was compelled to attend the conference to learn more.

There is also a practical reason to permit infants to develop their abilities naturally: physical safety. ‘Safety’ is a word that attracts parents’ attention, and a child who develops his motor skills independently is much safer than one who is helped to sit, stand, or walk, held by the hand while going up or down stairs, or placed on a slide or climbing structure. Children will naturally seek balance, but when parents ‘help’, they give a false illusion of physical competence that can literally be dangerous.

My husband Mike encountered this brand of danger ‘head on’ when his friend, Joe, dropped by with his eighteen-month-old son Colin. The two dads talked for a while on our front porch, then Joe went inside to use the bathroom. Mike stood beside Colin, who was walking towards the brick steps leading to the lawn. Having raised three children who would never attempt to walk down steep steps at that stage (but might crawl down, or find some other way), Mike was blindsided by what happened next.

In a flash, Colin made a move to walk down the steps without even a gesture towards Mike’s available hand! He took a header, and when Joe returned a moment later he found his son in tears and sporting a trophy-sized, egg-shaped lump expanding on his forehead. Of course, Mike felt terrible (and his baby-sitting career was finished), but Colin’s parents contributed to this incident by habitually assisting him when he took steps. ‘Helping’ Colin along rather than allowing him to find his balance and his own safe methods of mobility put him in danger, because it gave him an inflated sense of his physical ability.

This false sense of security is learned when adults place children atop ledges, slides, climbing structures, giant boulders, or almost anything, and then help them to get down again. The child may believe he can get down by himself (after all, it was easy enough to get up), or he might reach out, expecting to be helped, and end up falling. The general rule is this: if a child can climb up by himself, he should be relatively safe climbing down again, and the child should be given the opportunity to practice both maneuvers. The adult should stay close and ‘spot,’ but not touch or help the child.

If a child is stuck in a place that he has climbed to himself, the best way to proceed is to talk him through getting unstuck in a soothing voice, or take the smallest possible action to help. (For example: helping a child to un-wedge his leg from between two bars so that he can then climb down.) The child who is allowed to work through the problem as autonomously as possible will learn the most from the experience. Quite often, the child who has had a frustrating and difficult time getting down from the climbing structure in my class will then immediately climb up to attempt it again.

There is joy in observing a child persevering to overcome physical challenges and discovering and mastering new forms of mobility. In my RIE parenting class, seven-month-old Bianca spends much of the time in side-splits and has a flexible, spread-eagle style when maneuvering around the room. Jason lies on his back and does leg-lifts and torso lifts that any Pilates teacher would envy. Audrey crawls agilely down a set of wooden steps head first. Alex walks down a ramp, trips, falls and gets up again. Sophie climbs into a wooden box and struggles to climb back out. She finally gets out by placing her hand on my shoulder as I crouch next to her. Predictably, she climbs back into the box.

These self-initiated learning experiences are infinitely more beneficial to a child’s development than a parent’s efforts to ‘teach.’ After all, if we look to the animal kingdom for models of the physical abilities we most admire — do gazelles, leopards and monkeys need to be taught how to move?

A trusted child “learns to do something on his own, to be interested, to try out, to experiment. He learns to overcome difficulties. He comes to know the joy and satisfaction that is derived from his success, the result of his patience and perseverance.” – Dr. Emmi Pikler, Peaceful Babies – Contented Mothers.

For more about natural gross motor development, please read Set Me Free.

‘Luckily,’ I found hand-me-downs from family and friends, and so I was well-equipped with a bouncy seat, electric swing, and a couple of C-shaped pillows in which you can place the baby in a sitting position. If I had added walkers, jumpers and baby saucers, my gizmo inventory would have been complete.

Later I learned that the real requirements for a newborn are a crib, bassinet or co-sleeper, a car seat, carrier (and/or stroller), a changing table, and doorway gates — so that safe play areas can be created. Playpens make life with a young infant easier, especially if you can buy or borrow two, and have one outside also.  The other stuff is not only a waste of money, but can even be detrimental to a baby’s development.

If a voice of reason could be heard through the din of marketing, consumerism and peer pressure, all of which prey upon a new parent’s self-doubt, it would say: “What did babies do before all this gadgetry existed? Did babies walk before there were walkers, jump before there were jumpers? Were children long ago deficient, unintelligent, physically awkward, slower and less capable? Were they less loved?” 

Similarly, we can ask whether today’s high-technology for babies gives parents more free time. My sense is that they do not. In fact, when we place an infant in constrictive apparatuses or parent-controlled positions, we can create a habit of dependency that can later undermine our quest for free time. The baby who gets used to being situated by adults is inclined to continue to require adult attention, instead of developing the joyful habit of independent play.

An infant can move most freely when he is placed on his back.  Some doctors suggest ‘tummy time’ for an infant as young as one or two months old. But infant expert Magda Gerber and her mentor, pediatrician Emmi Pikler, believed that infants should be trusted to ‘discover’ the tummy position when ready, without our assistance.

Here’s an experiment: lie on your belly and then lie on your back; compare the two positions with respect to comfort and mobility. Now imagine you have limited upper body and neck strength and can barely lift your head. Do you feel stuck? An infant placed on his back in a safe place can see all around him, stretch, arch his back, move his limbs freely, examine his hands and feet, even find his thumb and self-soothe. Our body functions best when we are free to move. I found evidence of this fact when I visited a friend and her son.

Cheryl’s four-month-old boy spent most of his waking hours in a bouncy seat, a seat that elevates his back to an almost vertical angle and secures the baby by a T-strap at the bottom of the chair. I used a bouncy seat with my first baby, too, and would never dream of mentioning possible  ’downsides’ of using the seat to Cheryl.  Even if she asked, I’d be hesitant to say something that might sound judgmental. Most of us are extremely sensitive to perceived criticism as new parents (now how would I know that?)  

But when Cheryl shared her worries about her son’s constipation, I had to bite my tongue. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I was unnecessarily stuck in that seat all day, unable to stretch or move without feeling myself slip down the seat, I’d be ‘irregular’ too!

There are not only physical, but also possible emotional consequences when a baby is strapped into a seat or propped up. As infant expert Magda Gerber cautioned, “Every time we put an infant in a position she cannot change all by herself, we deprive her from moving freely. So she feels passive, helpless, and less confident.”

Doctors often advise parents to place an infant in a sitting position when he is six months old. However, just as a baby rolls when he is ready, a baby also finds his own ability to move from a horizontal position on the floor to sitting upright when he is able. When the child achieves this position naturally he can smoothly transition himself back into a horizontal position for mobilization when he wishes.

Doctor’s ‘checklists’ neglect to acknowledge the wide range of normal motor development, and often breed parental fear and doubt. Worry that our child will ‘fall behind’ is one of the reasons we all find it difficult to resist the temptation to place our baby in a sitting position or hold him up to stand. Another is that adults see the world from an upright position, and we perceive it as preferable to a horizontal view. Our child may seem to like it, especially when that is what he’s used to.  (He might also like to devour a giant hot fudge sundae, but that doesn’t mean we’d give him one! )  

Parenting is sometimes looking beyond the moment, the week, or even the month to establish healthy habits that serve our child best in the long term. Encouraging natural gross motor development is worth the effort.

If our infant is accustomed to us placing him in a sitting position, then he may become less willing to attempt his own positions independently. Rather than enjoying all he can do, he gets in the habit of expecting the parent to intercede. This was the dynamic I observed between Robert and Shelly.

Seven-month-old Robert cried while lying on the floor until his mother, Shelley, placed him in a sitting position. I had been trying unsuccessfully for weeks to encourage Shelly to allow Robert more time on his back.  A few times, we’d seen him roll to his stomach and began to scoot forward. But, even though his mobility was completely hampered while sitting, he now wanted to do what he was used to doing, or perhaps he wanted to do what he thought his mother expected. Instead, he lost his balance, fell and cried again. Robert’s helplessness was reinforced by his mom’s well-meaning actions.

When our infants are free to develop motor abilities without artificial aid or the restriction of baby apparatuses, they progress independently and confidently in their own unique way. The biggest challenge for parents is also one of the biggest gifts we can bestow on a child: waiting for readiness.

“At RIE we believe that the infant should be able to move and explore freely, to choose and change his own body position, to come and go as he wants — within the safe and challenging environment we create.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect