Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

So when a mom from one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes (in which we strongly advise and encourage natural gross motor development) sent me a video of her 15 month old skillfully mastering this piece of equipment, my response after blinking several times was you’ve got to be kidding. This video is a brilliant illustration of the benefits of not teaching, restricting or otherwise interfering with the development of motor skills…

Hi Janet,

I’ve missed being at your class but R. is really getting great at enjoying his independent play.  He can walk to his room and play while we get ready for work sometimes.  And can definitely occupy himself in the living room for a few minutes while I’m making breakfast.

Anyway, I know you know that R. has always been very into climbing.  Every Wednesday I take him to a park that has a good toddler size slide/jungle gym.  Two weeks ago he tried climbing up this blue ladder and I spotted him all the way up.  He took pause and I was able to just tell him where to put his hand and he made it all the way up on his own.  I was so excited for him! And this week he tried it again a few times and I had Brad take a video I thought you might like to see.

Have a great week!
Thanks,
Margaret

Note that this boy is not only physically fearless and able, he is also relaxed, focused, centered, aware and confident. This is the result of being allowed to develop naturally, in accordance with his inborn timetable, which means…

1. His parents have basic trust in him as a competent, capable person.  They observe his play sensitively (but not fearfully) and are nearby to spot (without touching him) when he’s attempting new skills.

2. He has had plenty of time each day to move freely, independently and unassisted since he was born, beginning on his back. Time spent in restrictive devices like car seats, strollers, carriers, infant seats, swings, jumpers and walkers has been minimal or not at all.

3. He hasn’t been taught or “helped” to sit, stand or walk. His parents and caregivers don’t position him, hold his hands to aid him up and down steps; place him on or take him down from furniture or other equipment.  They trust that if he can climb up independently, he can also get down independently with spotting and a bit of vocal direction and encouragement (if he seems to need it).

4. Though carefully spotted, he’s given the space, time and freedom to discover his own way of doing things whenever possible. For example, babies usually choose to go down steps head first.

5. He’s allowed to choose play activities and repeat them as much as he likes. He’s trusted to be inner-directed — know exactly what he’s working on, demonstrate readiness by doing it. Whether what he chooses to do seems like a lot or a little, it’s always enough in his parents’ eyes.

“Every baby moves with more ease and efficiency if allowed to do it at his own time and in his own way, without our trying to teach him. A child who has always been allowed to move freely develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about what he can and cannot do.” - Magda Gerber

“It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one.  …gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention needed.” -Lisa Sunbury, No Tummy Time Necessary 

Looking forward to hearing your impressions!

(Photo by Victor Bezrukov on Flickr)

Babies need opportunities to try and then practice new skills, and our challenge is to keep remembering to slow down and be open to providing them. The benefits are obvious. Children love to “do it themselves”. Small moments of mastery and accomplishment help them cope with age-appropriate toddler angst and frustrations. The happiest, most self-confident babies are those who are respected as innately capable, encouraged to be active participants in their care (and life), and allowed to be achievers whenever possible. I was reminded of this a few weeks ago during a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class…

Since only two families out of seven showed up (due to summer vacations), I impulsively decided to offer a new activity during snack time, one I usually introduce with children older than these, thinking it wouldn’t matter if it was a minor disaster with only two at the table. This group of children is 15 to 19 months of age, and so far they’ve been capable of patiently allowing me to wipe their hands, choosing their own bibs, helping me peel the banana before I offer them pieces to eat, all the while remaining politely seated (for the most part) across the table from me. Just a few weeks ago I began pouring little sips of water into real glasses for the children to drink, refilling them as requested. Most of them seem to have that skill down.

So, I brought out a very small plastic measuring cup (smaller than the one I’d been pouring with) and invited the little boy and girl to try pouring their own water. To my amazement, they both did it. For developmental perspective, the one who was more adept (I didn’t have to move his glass at all to catch the water) is a few months younger and a much “later” walker. He has only taken a step or two at 16 months. You just never know what they’re working on.

The children seemed thrilled with their achievement, and I was inspired to try again the next week with a couple more children. The “returnees” were quite eager and excited to repeat their successes.

This time, another relatively late walker (who had been an early crawler) took the measuring cup and started tipping the side without the spout towards her glass. I had to stifle my impulse to help. There was a moment of suspense as she seemed to change her mind, turned the pitcher around and — voila! — poured perfectly. Oh, the expression of satisfaction on her face!

How much longer might I have overlooked the possibility of the children pouring their own water, if not for the very small class? This happened to me many times as a mother, especially with my first child. Only by accident would I discover that my baby was capable of things I hadn’t yet imagined.

So, what other possibilities are there for babies and one-year-olds…what else might they do?

1. Dress and undress (but undressing usually comes first)

This is the most common one parents seem to overlook or just don’t make time for. Babies can take their shoes and socks off if we provide minimal help (like sliding the sock over their heel so they can pull it off from the toe). Parents get used to rushing these things to get them done, but if we slow down and give children a little time, make a conscious effort to “move at the speed of children” (as Jeanne from the website Zella Said Purple aptly describes it), they often do it with only minimal assistance or none at all.

In my classes I ask the children if they would like to take their bibs off and give them to me, and then I usually loosen the Velcro so that they can get the bib off easily. But one child in this one-year-old class surprised me by being able to put her bib on herself.  She is fond of wearing not just one, but two overlapping bibs, and she puts them on herself. But in another class I facilitated, 2 year olds weren’t yet doing this. Is that because I did it for them and didn’t give them the opportunity?

Note: none of these things should be expected, requested or insisted upon by parents…just offered as an option, like: “Would you like to try taking your sock off yourself?” Independence and mastery are about accomplishing things by choice. Toddlers sometimes choose not to do things they are fully capable of doing for a variety of healthy reasons. Trust and don’t push.

2. Eat with a spoon

All three of my children ate well with a spoon soon after they turned one, probably because I followed Magda Gerber’s advice to introduce solids with the baby on my lap and use two spoons, so that the baby had one to practice with daily.

3. Climb into a car seat

I’m definitely a creature of habit, and this one took me by surprise with all three children. It would happen by accident when I wasn’t looking. I’d realize…whoa…my baby is quite capable of climbing into her seat and may have been able to for a long while.

4. Climb up and get back down (with spotting)

If babies get used to us taking them down from structures, steps, etc., rather than waiting, spotting and encouraging them while they problem-solve, they can believe themselves incapable and dependent on us to help them do what they can do on their own.

5. Puzzles

This is another thing babies can begin doing, but only if we 1) don’t show or help them, and 2) don’t lead them to believe that puzzles are tasks that need completing. Just let them fiddle, experiment, leave things partially ‘done’.  Don’t teach them there’s a right way, and they’ll retain the confidence to persevere and eventually succeed.

 And more generally…

6. Natural gross motor development

Babies can achieve all developmental milestones (and enjoy many transitional positions in between) without adult assistance, if they have plenty of floor time to practice.

7. Self-entertainment – extended periods of uninterrupted independent play

We create this opportunity when we provide safe play spaces that include some open ended play objects (see this video for ideas) and cultivate independent play from the beginning. Babies revel in their free play time when it has been introduced early and gradually becomes a predictable part of their daily routine.

Of course, our babies can’t do any of these things without our support – our patience, restraint, encouragement, and acknowledgement of their struggles and successes. As Magda Gerber explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, sensitive observation is the key to knowing what to do when…

“By closely supervising our infants, by allowing them to do what they are capable of, by restraining ourselves from rescuing them too often, by waiting and waiting and waiting, by giving minimal help when they really need it, we allow our infants to learn and grow at their own time, and in their own way.”

Have your babies surprised you with their abilities? Please share!

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

“Can we go to Starbucks and then meet the bus at the second stop?” (It’s about 12 minutes away.)

“Uh… I don’t know” I stammered, momentarily overwhelmed by the idea of this modest change of plan (and never as carefree and willing in these situations as I’d like to be). “Oh, okay,” I reluctantly agreed…

Once I was in the car with him and had made the necessary call to my convalescing daughter’s carpool, I relaxed and was suddenly grateful to be spending this special time with my son, granting his wish.  Children need our No’s, but it’s easy to forget how much they need our Yes’s, too. 

After Starbucks we parked on the quiet street where the bus would be stopping. My son said he wanted to climb the big coral tree across the road. Once again I hesitated, stick in the mud that I am. “Doesn’t it have big thorns?” (I hate this side of myself. It turned out to be a magnolia tree anyway.)

“No, mommy, it’s fine!”

“Okay. But I wanted to be with you.”

“Then come with me.”

“No, that’s okay.” It was 7:10 AM, chilly, and I hadn’t climbed a tree since…never mind. Still, later I wished I’d joined him.

We exchanged goodbyes, kisses and “I love you.”

He ran across the road, plopped his backpack on the sidewalk and disappeared into the tree. For the next few minutes I could only imagine his experience. He was invisible.

As in all good adventure stories, there was suspense…  First a man walked by, his dog trailing behind off-leash. The dog paused to sniff my son’s backpack. Would he pee on it?  Thankfully, no. 

My boy suddenly emerged out of the tree and onto the sidewalk. He looked around for a moment, noticed the bus approaching and then jumped up to swing on a branch before disappearing into the tree again. I imagined he wanted to pop out and surprise friends who might be looking out the bus windows.

Then the bus arrived and totally obliterated my view. I couldn’t see the tree. I couldn’t see if my boy was entering the bus with the other children.  I could only see his backpack through the underside of the bus, still on the sidewalk.

A full minute passed and I began to worry. The bus would be leaving any second, and either he wasn’t getting on or he had forgotten his backpack.  I took my key out of the ignition and opened the car door. Just as I was stepping out I saw his backpack scooped up and my son’s sneakers as he ran towards the bus door… with only a moment to spare. 

As the bus left I sat in the car savoring the morning, loving my boy, grateful and tearful. I thought of other times friends, loved ones, and especially my children have inspired me to let go… and live a little.

Have your children inspired you to break the routine or taken you on an unexpected adventure?

Additional thoughts…

Safety first. Infants and toddlers need gated-in areas so that they can play safely and feel free to explore without interruptions. We can put our minds at ease (and even go to the bathroom on our own, imagine!) when our baby is left to enjoy a safe and secure place.

As a substitute for the baby sofa you see here, use an inflatable wading pool (granted, easier to find in the summer than the winter) and line it with a blanket and a couple of firm pillows.

Infants 2-3 months of age and younger don’t need toys. They usually aren’t able to grasp yet, and are absorbed with examining their miraculous hands.

Instead of showing your baby new toys, wait, and allow the toys to be discovered.

This play space is much bigger and busier than necessary for a home setting. I was trying to include as many open-ended toy examples as possible.

This is just a small sampling of the types of objects that infants enjoy exploring. I’m hoping parents, RIE enthusiasts, child care professionals, and others who read here will share their favorite ‘play object’ ideas.

As someone who once made a living acting, doing commercials and voice-overs, I’m a little embarrassed by how rusty I’ve become. My blooper narration reel includes, “And here are some balls…all shapes and sizes.” (And we won’t even mention the camera work.)

For examples of babies in action using these toys, please see the videos posted in Shhh…Babies Playing 

In all the years I’ve observed infants and toddlers, I’m still surprised each week by the creative new uses they find for objects in their environment. I never tire of watching babies explore. Create a space for your baby and prepare to enjoy!

We all parent with best intentions, and we are bound to be misinterpreted by our children sometimes. But there are some unproductive messages that we commonly send with our words and actions without meaning to, and I’ve found it helpful to be aware of them.

1)      “You can’t do it.”

We probably wouldn’t tell our child that he or she was incapable of accomplishing a task unless it was inappropriate or dangerous, like lighting a match. But toddlers hear this unintended message when we follow our impulse to ‘help’ them do things they are trying to do on their own. For instance, carrying them down from a climbing structure; showing them how to do a puzzle; or fixing any problem they may eventually be able to solve independently.

An infant might hear this message when we hand him a toy that he is straining to reach, reposition him while he struggles to roll from back to tummy, or even intervene too soon when he is trying to ease himself back to sleep.

In the parent/infant and toddler classes at RIE, I witness the results of the “you can’t do it” message often. A child ascends a climbing structure or platform and freezes, calling or crying for an adult to bail her out when she is usually perfectly capable of climbing down independently (while we are close by, spotting for safety). It’s a challenge for us to be patient and relax when our child is struggling, but the glorious, confidence-building result (I did it!) is well worth our effort.

2)      “Don’t trust your feelings.”

The instinct many of us have when our children stumble and cry, react fearfully to something that we know is safe, or just seem inexplicably out of sorts, is to reassure them by saying, “It’s okay. You’re alright. That was nothing. Shhhh.”  Or even, “Brush it off!” But in those moments our child does not feel okay. He hurts. He’s upset. And these godlike people he counts on to guide him — his parents — are telling him not to feel what he feels. This is confusing and invalidating.

A child’s tears or anger make us very uncomfortable, but the healthiest message we can send is that feelings are just feelings. We don’t control them and they are all acceptable, perfectly valid. It’s best for us to take a deep breath and lovingly allow our child’s feelings to run their course.

 3)      “What you can do isn’t enough.”

When we try to urge development forward by placing babies in positions that they will eventually achieve naturally, like sitting and standing, or show them how to use toys and materials rather than allowing them to develop those skills in their own time, we may believe that we are helping, teaching, parenting as we should. But, as infant expert Magda Gerber emphasized, “When babies are ready, they do it.” Babies always do what they are ready to do. They show us what they are working on, if we allow them to. They don’t hold back.

So, by teaching and helping our babies to show our love for them, we inadvertently send the message, “I don’t appreciate what you are able to do. I want you to do more.”

Magda Gerber implores in Your Self-Confident Baby, “Why not acknowledge your child when she turns herself onto her side (which requires strength and coordination) instead of propping her into a sitting position with pillows? If she doesn’t yet have the strength to hold herself up to sit, she will be cramped, have poor posture, and be unsteady. She will feel unsure rather than confident. Accept and appreciate what she does.”

We don’t live in a “relish the moment” society. We aren’t encouraged to be satisfied with the status quo.  When we’re dating someone, friends and family want to know when we’ll be married. When we’re married everyone asks when we’ll have children. When we have a baby the focus is on developmental milestones. Is he smiling, crawling, walking, talking, toilet training, reading yet? When will you have another child?

Our babies, if we allow them to, will teach us to let go of the fast track and appreciate the present. We just have to relax, ignore the well-intentioned queries of those around us, enjoy whatever our baby is doing right now, be grateful for this interesting person we are learning more about each day — send our baby a “you are enough” message. Children grow up really fast.

“The consequence of hurrying a child may be that the child feels that she’s not living up to expectations. The most important person in her life, the parent, wants something the child cannot deliver. This is good for therapists because it breeds people who need therapy. They grow up and say, “I don’t know what I want,” or “I don’t feel good enough.” – Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

Does any of this ring true for you?

We are our child’s first teacher, but while we are observing, our babies do the teaching. In both my infant and toddler classes on a recent Friday, the babies were – as usual — providing humorous lessons. My take-away… “Observe, observe, observe.”

We’d had some “quiet observation” time in the toddler class and were engaged in discussion when a child, who had recently begun walking, stepped toward the doorway to the deck. I was sitting in the doorway, as I usually do, and reflexively moved my feet to clear the way for him to pass. 

A moment later the boy turned around to go back through the doorway, but this time he carefully, deliberately stepped over my feet (which are admittedly gi-normous). Then…I got it! He had wanted to use my feet as an obstacle to help build and practice his walking skills.

How often I’ve observed toddlers challenging themselves in order to master new skills. They look for big and small challenges, or create them on their own, do things like trying to pick up many, many more objects than they could possibly hold, carry buckets full of toys up and down steps they’ve only just learned to climb empty handed, balance buses on top of each other or drag them up and over the climbing structure.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with our impulse to assist and accommodate babies, and it never hurts to model politeness, but my “foot-pas” made me smile, because it was such a perfect example of the different ways toddlers and adults tend to perceive situations. We understand a baby’s point-of-view best when we’re quietly paying attention.

Later that day in the infant class, Katherine, a 5 month old, rolled off of the soft rug onto the floor. Her dear dad, concerned for her safety and comfort, picked her up and returned her to her back on the rug. Almost immediately, she rolled back off onto the hard floor again. Katherine’s insistence on using the hard surface, and her father’s enchanting impulse to rescue her happened a few more times before we observed that Katherine (an impressively strong baby, who does her own abdominal curls while lying on her back) seemed to be using her neck muscles to lift her head off of the floor so she could land it gently when she rolled. She was using her strength and balance to work on falling safely, an invaluable skill for infants and toddlers, and she was already quite able at it.

I got a kick out of imagining a fast-forward –  this lovely relationship dynamic continuing years from now — Katherine’s dad just trying to help, Katherine insisting on showing him that she was quite capable on her own,  thank you very much.

Observing babies may not sound warm, cozy and inviting, and it’s certainly challenging, but it’s the key to understanding and appreciating our children, their intentions, learning styles, distinct personalities, needs and desires before they have the language skills to explain those things. So watch and enjoy, because when children feel understood they feel our love.

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose, director of  the RIE-based childcare center West Hill Educare, in Ithaca, New York)

Please share your observations!

The previous week, 21 month old Audrey had wedged herself between the bars of the wooden climbing structure and looked at me with a worried expression. “Are you stuck?” I asked. I moved close and — without touching her — talked her through pulling her legs out from between the bars and reaching to the bar below so that she could climb down again. After glancing at me with a look of self-satisfaction, she climbed back up to repeat the experience. Another toddler, Travis, then climbed the bars and tried getting stuck, too. 

Travis seemed to remember this last week. He climbed up the structure, slipped his legs through the bars and looked at me meaningfully. “Are you stuck?” I asked. He smirked at me before freeing himself again. Soon, Audrey, and then Charlotte followed suit. Charlotte sat between the bars for a long time, swinging her legs in the “stuck” position.

A few minutes later, Sage placed a stacking cup inside one of the buses. She tried to pull the cup back out. I sensed her mom wanting to help, but resisting the urge.  “Is it stuck?” I asked.  She fiddled with the cup for a moment, then left it and moved on to something else.

Later Sage climbed onto one of the large wooden blocks, sat on top and seemed unsure about getting down again. “Are you trying to get down?” I asked. She reached out for me as if to ask to bring her down. “I won’t let you fall”, I said, not touching her, but just spotting. She was hesitant and seemed uneasy. “Do you feel stuck up there?” I asked. She reached her arms towards me again to help her, and though I felt like a meanie, I resisted. “You want me to help you down, but I’m going to let you do it, and I won’t let you fall.”

Sage spent a few moments inching across the top of the block and looking down at the floor before she gained the courage to slide down the side, reaching her feet a few inches until she touched the floor. “You did it.” Thrilled, Sage pranced victoriously across the room towards her smiling parents.

Babies don’t mind struggles. To them, frustration isn’t a bad word. But without meaning to, we teach our babies to fear those things by projecting our adult point-of-view, by reacting (or overreacting), hurrying to “bail them out”.

If we want to encourage our baby’s ingenuity, persistence, and self-confidence, it’s best to try to stifle our urge to “help” and provide plenty of opportunities for safe struggles, even when they cause a little frustration. Our infant might need to work for days, even weeks struggling to roll from back to tummy, or stretching himself to reach the toy that is just out of his grasp. If we stay out of the way, just verbally comfort, acknowledge and encourage our child, (giving him breaks, or helping minimally if he starts getting too frustrated or exhausted) he eventually experiences (and completely owns!) the thrill of his accomplishment. 

By feeling “stuck”, overcoming obstacles and also dealing with “failure” to achieve a particular goal, our children build strong coping skills that will make life’s temporary setbacks much easier to bear. It’s great to succeed, but “not there yet” is a part of life and okay, too.  Then, like the toddlers in class, they can continue to approach feeling stuck as just another fascinating state of being, an experience to examine, embrace, and hopefully overcome through confident perseverance.

Wouldn’t it be grand if we could all retain this healthy, positive attitude towards struggle…if we could face writer’s block, a job search, being in-between relationships, grappling with life’s toughest challenges with interest and enthusiasm rather than fear?

An infant changes everything, and while preparation is comforting, no one can predict how they will react until the moment arrives. Generally, after a few of showerless days and sleepless nights, good intentions and the best laid plans are shelved. Survival becomes the goal. Forget normalcy.  Sooner than later we realize that life à trios will not be the fantasy concocted during ‘Expecting Mommy’ classes and dreamy late night conversations with our wives over baby-naming books. 

We stand at a precipice — exhausted, dazed and confused — with only a couple of clear choices. For some, it means a personal surrender and a profound change of consciousness. This is often the jumping off place to adulthood. Others struggle to preserve elements of their carefree pre-natal lives. This can mean trying to train the infant to adapt to their lifestyle – the way it was before the blessed event – by adjusting sleep and eating schedules to accommodate adult social events; or abandoning their child to a bi-lingual, CPR-trained, background-checked stranger to sneak off to Baja for a long weekend.

Me, I took the plunge, opted for surrender. 

An infant’s needs are simple (albeit persistent and all-consuming), but we are products of a self-possessed, what-about-me? culture. It’s how we were raised — to do our own thing, take it easy, protect our space, get what’s ours and, above all, be happy (an entirely American obsession, by the way. Most of the world does not spend a whole lot of time wondering ‘Am I happy?’). But when an infant needs us – for anything and everything to survive – well, he needs us. It doesn’t matter how we feel at that moment, or whether it’s convenient, or that we’re tired or haven’t been to the gym in three weeks. And it sucks when we can’t watch Letterman in bed because the wife’s nursing. What about me?   

So, this sudden, relentless demand for self-sacrifice (and the self-pity and resentment it spawns) is an unfamiliar and oppressive experience. And we all handle it differently. But I only learned just how demanding real parenting can be when my wife (that would be Janet) embraced the philosophy and practice of Infant Educaring.

Initially, it meant spending more time (my time) accomplishing duties I could have whipped off in seconds, like a bath or changing a diaper. I learned that these chores constituted ‘valuable, intimate, together time’. We weren’t finished until my infant decided we were finished, and I would receive a non-verbal cue when it was time to move on. And, low and behold… 

As my first daughter got older and slept less, parenting meant sacrificing still more time – observing her mostly — just being present.  At first, these new demands tested my patience. I had work to do, places to go, people to see. Again, total surrender was the key, and eventually I looked forward to these otherwise mundane moments together and found joy in the pure connection I was making as a father.

But as our daughter became a toddler, and we met other couples who parented according to the whims of conventional wisdom and personal convenience, it turned out my real test as a parent was one of strength. Obviously, I’m not talking about mere physical strength. No, this is the real stuff — the strength not to gag my daughter with a pacifier when she cried; not to put her on slides or swings before she was physically capable of doing it herself; not to let her sit in front of the TV with friends when the parents wanted some grow-up time; and the strength to step in the way of a well-meaning adult to say “no, thank you” or “please, don’t”. 

This policy of infant/toddler protectionism does not endear you to other parents no matter how gently or pleasantly you present your case. Your friends feel judged because you decline invitations to certain activities (like a John Carpenter Film Festival for five-year olds), and strangers might judge you to be cruel.  Imagine: you’re at the playground, and there is a line-up of parents lifting their toddlers onto a slide. Your child is standing by watching, pointing to the top of the slide. The other parents are confused, some dumbfounded as you kneel beside your daughter in the dirt and calmly acknowledge her desire without fulfilling it. (BTW, if the reader is confused by this behavior, please see Janet’s post, Don’t Stand Me Up,  for explanation.)

I have been there, and I can tell you it does take backbone to endure the judgmental stares of other parents, especially if you have any doubts that what you’re doing (or not doing) is best for your child. I mean, it’s a slide, right? What’s the harm?

And how do you ask a friend or relative to please not grab your child and tickle her without her permission? Or convince the doctor that your 4-year old understands the mechanics of a check-up, that she doesn’t need to be distracted by baby-talk or a stand-up comedy routine. 

I could go on, but you get the point: this parenting thing – especially the RIE method of parenting – is not just a collection of philosophical talking points. It needs to be practiced in the real world with extreme conviction, follow-through and consistency by both parents. So, it is not for sissies.

I was lucky to have an in-house role model who was strong enough to lead when I didn’t have the stomach to make waves. I was more apt to go with the flow, rationalizing that if the So-and-So’s were doing it, it must be okay.  Janet showed a single-minded strength of purpose that at first made me queasy, but which I came to admire more than she will ever know. Her early efforts on behalf of our kids – a lone voice advocating and practicing respect for our children (and others) — were nothing less than heroic. Gradually, through Janet’s modeling, I have absorbed much of the Educaring philosophy and became less squeamish about asserting myself against the pressures of conventional parenting practices. Ultimately, I have found my own strength in the pure truths of Magda Gerber’s teaching. I finally developed a parenting backbone.

 Please share your comments with Mike.

These are children who are less physically self-assured than they might be for one simple reason: their motor skills are not being allowed to develop naturally.

Infant expert Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE, advised parents to trust an infant to do what his body is able to do, and to give the child time to achieve the next physical milestone when he is ready, without adult interference. Unfortunately, this central tenet of the RIE approach to child care runs counter to society’s conventional wisdom. Doctors, friends and neighbors inadvertently make us feel that our child’s motor skills must advance as quickly as possible. They ask if our child is sitting, crawling, standing or walking yet, and we worry that there may be something terribly wrong if the answer is ‘no.’

Parents should relax in the knowledge that each infant’s development is directed by his unique inborn timetable. Infants will always do what they are capable of doing and are naturally wired to advance their physical abilities independently. They never hold back. An infant who is given ample opportunity to move freely on his back will discover ‘tummy time’ on his own. Eventually he learns to roll to his back again. He then progresses to crawling, creeping, sitting, standing, climbing, walking, running and jumping, all without the need for parental prompting, propping or other intrusion. As Magda Gerber said: “Readiness is when they do it.”

There are countless benefits to giving a child ownership over the pace of his gross motor development. For one, he gains self-assurance, because each new skill is initiated and engineered by the child. The child will instinctively work to develop the muscle strength, flexibility and balance needed to achieve the next step. These children advance with a keen awareness of their physical capabilities. Magda Gerber reminded parents, “Earlier does not mean better.” She taught caregivers to appreciate the quality of a child’s movements, rather than rushing the speed of development.

Having observed infants for years, I can usually distinguish a toddler who was allowed to achieve his mobility freely from a child who was not. Magda Gerber was able to perceive these differences even in older children. Several years ago I met a young teacher named Leslie at a RIE conference who shared an account of Magda’s observational abilities during a visit to Leslie’s preschool. Some of the students at the school had been cared for in an infant center associated with RIE. To Leslie’s amazement, Magda was able to identify these children on the playground. Magda said that she recognized the RIE children by their agility and poise. Astounded, Leslie was compelled to attend the conference to learn more.

There is also a practical reason to permit infants to develop their abilities naturally: physical safety. ‘Safety’ is a word that attracts parents’ attention, and a child who develops his motor skills independently is much safer than one who is helped to sit, stand, or walk, held by the hand while going up or down stairs, or placed on a slide or climbing structure. Children will naturally seek balance, but when parents ‘help’, they give a false illusion of physical competence that can literally be dangerous.

My husband Mike encountered this brand of danger ‘head on’ when his friend, Joe, dropped by with his eighteen-month-old son Colin. The two dads talked for a while on our front porch, then Joe went inside to use the bathroom. Mike stood beside Colin, who was walking towards the brick steps leading to the lawn. Having raised three children who would never attempt to walk down steep steps at that stage (but might crawl down, or find some other way), Mike was blindsided by what happened next.

In a flash, Colin made a move to walk down the steps without even a gesture towards Mike’s available hand! He took a header, and when Joe returned a moment later he found his son in tears and sporting a trophy-sized, egg-shaped lump expanding on his forehead. Of course, Mike felt terrible (and his baby-sitting career was finished), but Colin’s parents contributed to this incident by habitually assisting him when he took steps. ‘Helping’ Colin along rather than allowing him to find his balance and his own safe methods of mobility put him in danger, because it gave him an inflated sense of his physical ability.

This false sense of security is learned when adults place children atop ledges, slides, climbing structures, giant boulders, or almost anything, and then help them to get down again. The child may believe he can get down by himself (after all, it was easy enough to get up), or he might reach out, expecting to be helped, and end up falling. The general rule is this: if a child can climb up by himself, he should be relatively safe climbing down again, and the child should be given the opportunity to practice both maneuvers. The adult should stay close and ‘spot,’ but not touch or help the child.

If a child is stuck in a place that he has climbed to himself, the best way to proceed is to talk him through getting unstuck in a soothing voice, or take the smallest possible action to help. (For example: helping a child to un-wedge his leg from between two bars so that he can then climb down.) The child who is allowed to work through the problem as autonomously as possible will learn the most from the experience. Quite often, the child who has had a frustrating and difficult time getting down from the climbing structure in my class will then immediately climb up to attempt it again.

There is joy in observing a child persevering to overcome physical challenges and discovering and mastering new forms of mobility. In my RIE parenting class, seven-month-old Bianca spends much of the time in side-splits and has a flexible, spread-eagle style when maneuvering around the room. Jason lies on his back and does leg-lifts and torso lifts that any Pilates teacher would envy. Audrey crawls agilely down a set of wooden steps head first. Alex walks down a ramp, trips, falls and gets up again. Sophie climbs into a wooden box and struggles to climb back out. She finally gets out by placing her hand on my shoulder as I crouch next to her. Predictably, she climbs back into the box.

These self-initiated learning experiences are infinitely more beneficial to a child’s development than a parent’s efforts to ‘teach.’ After all, if we look to the animal kingdom for models of the physical abilities we most admire — do gazelles, leopards and monkeys need to be taught how to move?

A trusted child “learns to do something on his own, to be interested, to try out, to experiment. He learns to overcome difficulties. He comes to know the joy and satisfaction that is derived from his success, the result of his patience and perseverance.” – Dr. Emmi Pikler, Peaceful Babies – Contented Mothers.

For more about natural gross motor development, please read Set Me Free.