My son is 3 years old and is a very happy child! He is at a RIE accredited Montessori school since he was little. I’m a working mom.

I will never forget that after his first days at the infant room, his teacher told me that it was amazing how much he observed. His eyes did not stop moving one side to the other. She used the term busy but at that point and being a first time mom, it did not mean a lot to me…

During these 3 years I have learned that he has a feisty temperament. His level of energy is amazing! His joy is intense and his mood can also change fast. His level of energy scares me sometimes. It also makes me really tired and frustrated sometimes. He is very sweet but sometimes he hits me and my husband and our dog. He can really exhaust one. Sometimes my husband and I do not know how to handle his power. I do believe in the Montessori method and think it’s the best for him. Although many of our friends and family think he needs something more “conservative”. We disagree.

Please, if you can, can you give me any advice in how to handle & understand a feisty child and keep the harmony in the family?

Any books recommended?

Thanks so much in advance and congratulations on your work!

Ninah

Hi Ninah,

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I would love to try to help. When I’m figuring out a response to notes like yours and have just a little snapshot of your life to go on, I look for clues… Here’s what I was struck by in your note:

“His level of energy scares me sometimes.”

I understand this, but if you are 3 years old and your mom is scared by your energy, that’s worrisome. No matter how scary he’s being, he needs you not to be frightened or even a little bit nervous. He needs to know that you and your husband are his calm, confident leaders, no matter what he throws at you (literally and figuratively). Be amazed and impressed by his energy, but not scared.

If your boy senses that you are scared or even frustrated, which he undoubtedly does, the anxiety that produces in him may even be cranking him up a notch or two. However, if you can be calm and unfettered in the face of his feistiness and mood changes, you’ll have a better chance of having a calming effect on him. I know that’s challenging, but he needs it. Think about projecting confidence and acceptance. Tap into your inner strength. Be his anchor.

“Sometimes he hits me and my husband and our dog.”

It’s totally in your power to prevent your son from doing those things. When you see him getting angry or frustrated, prepare to gently, but firmly stop him from hitting you. Hold his wrists if you must and let him know, “I won’t let you hit me. That hurts”. Try to stay calm and composed, don’t get angry. If he hits the dog because you couldn’t stop him in time, say, “I don’t want you to hit the dog. That hurts him.” Leave it at that. Don’t lecture. Be definitive, on top of it, almost nonchalant.

Imagine how scary it is for your little guy to not only have these powerful impulses, but to also be able to hurt his parents, hurt his dog, and make everyone frustrated and exhausted? That is a very uncomfortable amount of power for him to have. So, don’t give it to him.

“Sometimes my husband and I do not know how to handle his power.”

The key is gaining perspective. Remember that your son is a tiny guy and you are adults. (It’s funny the way our children can seem so HUGE to us…I remember!) He won’t overpower you, so don’t be afraid of his feelings. Feelings are just feelings, they come and go.

Focus on keeping yourself, your dog and your son safe and offer healthy outlets for your son’s volatility. Acknowledge his moods, give him boundaries and options. “You seem angry. I won’t let you hit me, but you can stomp your feet…or would you like some pillows to punch?”

Provide sufficient rest and healthy food.

Accept his feelings, but don’t let them affect you. They’re his, not yours, so don’t absorb them and you won’t end up exhausted. Imagine yourself a strong, but flexible backboard and let your son bounce his feelings off of you without you being bothered by them. Stay present, but be totally unthreatened.

By doing these things, you will provide your boy the safe boundaries and sense of security he needs to flourish. Then he will be able to channel his intense energy into positive accomplishments and leadership. For all the drawbacks to this kind of temperament (especially during the already volatile toddler years), there are loads of positives, too. As you say, he is intensely happy. People like him inspire us.

Books

The best toddler book that I know of is 1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years (by Irene Van der Zand and the Santa Cruz Toddler Care Center Staff). It is a simple (yet profound) and very user friendly guide to understanding and interacting positively with toddlers. For something more in-depth, I recommend The Emotional Life Of The Toddler by Alicia Leiberman, Ph.D.

Please keep me posted…

Warmly,

Janet

(Photo by mopics80 on Flickr)

Of all the skills we encourage our children to develop, social intelligence may be the most essential for predicting a fulfilling, successful life.  It’s also the aspect of development parents influence most profoundly, and it’s crucial that we’re aware of that, because our every word, move and gesture are being studied…We’re the ones under the microscope, modeling everything we do and say.  And surely this is the best motivation in the universe to be our most gracious, socially adaptive selves, and to heal old wounds by doing it “better” than it was done for us.

Magda Gerber taught me strategies for building a strong foundation for social intelligence in the infant and toddler years…

1. Don’t wait to communicate. Begin a two-way, person-to-person relationship with your baby as soon as she’s born. Speak respectfully. Don’t talk down.  Whenever we speak to our babies, they are learning language, so we should model the language we want our child to learn.

Babies are capable of communication and comprehension way before they utter recognizable words.  Tell your newborn what you will do before you pick her up or set her down again, even though it feels awkward to talk to someone who can’t talk back (or even indicate understanding).  Soon they will… If you ask babies questions, they will begin to find a way to answer.  Once you begin this habit, you won’t ever want to stop treating your child this way. And you’ll find out in a year or two that she’s been right there with you all along.

Give your baby a moment to take in your words. Observe her so that you can see her communicate readiness back to you. Telling your baby how much you adore her is great, but show your love by sharing the details about her life she’s eager to hear. Tell her what is happening right now and what will happen next. Invite her to participate in diaper changes, bathing and feeding, interact with you as much as she’s capable of doing. You’ll be surprised by how clearly she can communicate if you open the door.

Take a moment to look and listen before assuming her needs, even when she cries. She needs to know that her efforts to communicate are welcome, noted, and that you’ll try your best to understand.

2. Be a top model

Model honest, direct, open and polite communication. Be the first to admit “I’m sorry, I made a mistake” (even with babies). Be a patient, attuned listener. If you argue with someone in front of your child, try to resolve the disagreement gracefully… or at least resolve it. Then acknowledge in simple terms to your child what happened, especially if the child seems disturbed. Model patience, forgiveness, sharing, empathy– the social traits you wish for your child.

Whenever it seems appropriate, share your feelings (“I’m feeling sad thinking about Grandpa being sick”). Children sense when we’re disturbed anyway, and they appreciate the clarification.

Encourage children to understand their feelings, not by assuming “That fall scared you,“ (because you might not be accurate) but rather by probing, “Are you all right? You seem upset. Were you hurt? Startled?”

3. Keep it real

When we understand that we are immensely powerful models for our children, it is easy to see why discipline techniques that include distraction, tricks, games, rewards and punishments don’t foster social intelligence. Instead, those methods encourage children to do what we’re doing — avoiding confrontation, being inauthentic by smiling and playing games when we’re annoyed, manipulating (however kindly) in order to control, shaming and (in the case of spanking) hurting those we are in conflict with, rather than being direct and respectful, clear, gentle and honest.

The lessons we try to instill, no matter what methods we use or how effective they seem, will always be trumped by the behavior we are modeling moment to moment. The audience is listening.

Also, the self-worth and confidence children need to develop healthy social skills is undermined when we are manipulative, insincere, shaming or punitive. As they mature, the way we treat our children is, deep down, the best they will ever expect or believe they deserve.

4. Provide opportunities for practice, practice, practice

The intricacies of social interactions take plenty of practice to learn. Most of us spend our whole lives learning but never mastering them. So give babies a head start by allowing them to interact with their peers as freely as is safely possible. Babies are fascinated by other babies and ready to begin learning about each other at just a few months of age.

Children learn social skills organically when we abandon preconceptions about play, support but don’t interfere, observe closely and sensitively. Just as our baby’s “solo play” choices can be surprising, infant and toddler interactions seldom look like “playing together”.

But try to imagine ways babies can play together…there aren’t many. They usually play by touching each other, taking or (more rarely) giving toys (whether the other child wants them or not) and imitating. Imitating, unless it’s a loud chorus of crying, doesn’t usually worry parents, but the first two do.

Sensitive observation is paramount to understanding when and how to intervene gently so that children are not hurt and so that we don’t interrupt and discourage interaction.

Here’s a very brief example of social interaction that doesn’t look so good to grown-ups, but (believe it or not) is playing and learning together infant style.

As infants become toddlers, there will usually be more conflicts between them. Allowing children to experience and resolve these age-appropriate conflicts is a phenomenal way for them to learn social intelligence. You might say “You are both trying to hold the bear”, while blocking any hitting or pushing and saying “I won’t let you hit.”  Acknowledging all feelings during and after the conflict helps calm children and fosters empathy, while encouraging them to understand and label their feelings.

“The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” – Gerber

Here’s another video I posted recently that demonstrates two toddlers’ abilities to solve conflicts.

Remember that even while children are focused on each other, we’re still modeling (no, we don’t ever get a break, it’s always show time.). For example, interventions that aren’t gentle while we demand “Be gentle!” don’t teach gentleness.

Through observation we notice that as toddlers grow and play evolves, children will sometimes need assistance when they are not in danger of being hurt. Older toddlers might routinely take toys or disrupt another child’s play to signal to adults that they need our help, and it’s best to stop them gently, but decisively. “Molly was using that. I won’t let you take it away. Please wait until she’s done.” Then, if the child cries, “I know you wanted to use that and Molly said no. That’s upsetting.”

Often children will release pent-up feelings when we set these kinds of limits. Encourage and acknowledge them.

For more about selective interventions with infants and toddlers, you might want to check out…

The S Word (Toddlers Learning To Share)

You’ll Be Sorry – Children And Apologies

What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker

The Baby Social Scene – 5 Hints For Creating Safe And Joyful Playgroups

Falling – A Lesson In Friendship, Forgiveness And Moving On by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

What strategies have you used for teaching emotional intelligence? Please share…

(I love the photo up top. These 3 year olds and their parents attended one of my weekly RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes for two years. This photo was taken when they reunited at a mutual friend’s birthday party after not seeing each other for a year.  Note the adults admiring them respectfully from afar. The boy’s mom joked that they‘re planning the wedding!)

In his book Escape From Childhood, educator John Holt relates a “most embarrassing moment” shared with him by a friend. The friend was walking in a department store behind two little boys when “feeling affectionate and mischievous, she put a fingertip on each boy’s head. In an instant, two furious adult faces looked up at her, and in a harsh, high, but adult voice, one of them said, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’”

It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to Holt that his friend’s embarrassing story belied a common and unfortunate perception – that it would have been okay to touch these men of short stature had they been children, even though she didn’t know them from Adam.

Is it our well-meaning perception of children as cute and adorable that causes us to treat them less respectfully than we would another adult?  Is every child’s round head ours to touch? Are babies ours to pick up and hold; their cheeks ours to pinch?

I’m reminded of Magda Gerber’s wise words, “Much harm has been done in the name of love, but no harm can be done in the name of respect.”

Our love and affection for children is a positive thing, but if we don’t make the conscious effort to respect first, these positive feelings can lead us to treat children in demeaning, diminishing ways.

Not Just Cute, the expressive title of Amanda Morgan’s engaging parenting website says it all. Puppies, kittens and dolls might be cute, but our children need to know from the beginning that they are far more than that in our eyes. Even our babies need us to consider them ‘serious’ people. As Holt writes, “[Children] are not at all sentimental about their littleness. They would rather be big than little, and they want to get big as soon as they can.”

‘Cute’ isn’t a word to be abolished from our vocabulary. It has its purposes. For one, I feel much more comfortable calling someone of the opposite sex “cute” than “hot” (as my teenagers might). But “cute” spills out of me much more than I’d like, especially with young children. Our little ones can be so delightful and charming that it’s challenging to compose ourselves.  This is yet another parenting challenge, but a worthy one: taking care not to minimize, weaken and lessen those who most need our empowerment.

Here are some instances when our children should definitely not be perceived as cute…

1. When they’re upset

Has anyone ever told you, “You’re cute when you’re angry”? Perhaps this only happened in 1940’s movies, but don’t tell me it wouldn’t enrage you if it did! And yet, situations like the one John Holt describes in this passage happen all the time…

“One afternoon I was with several hundred people in an auditorium of a junior college when we heard outside the building the passionate wail of a small child. Almost everyone smiled, chuckled, or laughed. Perhaps there was something legitimately comic in the fact that one child should, and without even trying, be able to interrupt the supposedly important thoughts and words of all these adults. But beyond this was something else: the belief that the feelings, pains and passions of children were not real, not to be taken seriously. If we had heard outside the building the voice of an adult crying in pain, anger, or sorrow, we would not have smiled or laughed but would have been frozen in wonder and terror.”

2. When they express kindness, generosity, love and affection

As hard as it is for some of us not to say an adoring “Awww!” when a baby holds hands with another, a toddler hugs his friend or hands another child a toy, it’s important that we try to restrain ourselves. Yes, these exquisite moments are the good stuff of parenting, rewards that we should enjoy and celebrate. But it’s safer to do so quietly, especially if the child isn’t looking our way.  Our exuberant expressions of appreciation distract and turn the child’s authentic act into a little performance. These acts become a way to garner our positive attention, which can then become the sole motivation for them.

Our perception of children as cute ends up interfering with their intrinsic motivation.  Children might be encouraged to take on the “cute” identity and become unconsciously motivated to exploit it…

“A cute child soon learns to do almost everything she or he does, at least around adults, to get an effect.  Such children become self-conscious, artful, calculating, manipulative. They pay more and more attention to how they appear in the eyes of others. I often see such simpering, mincing, cutesy-smiling, fake-laughing children with adults in public places. They become specialists in human relations, which they see more and more as a kind of contest to see who can get the most out of others.” -Holt

3. When they are focused, determined, brave or trying to do new things

“I used to think the clumsiness of infants learning to walk was cute. Now I watch in a different spirit. Although there is nothing cute about clumsiness – any more than littleness – there is something very appealing and exciting about watching children just learning to walk.  They do it so badly, it is so clearly difficult, and in the child’s terms may even be dangerous.  Most adults, even many older children, would instantly stop trying to do anything that they did as badly as new walkers do their walking. But infants just keep on. They are so determined, they’re working so hard and they’re so excited that learning t o walk is not just an effort and struggle but a joyous adventure.” –Holt

These qualities in children aren’t cute — they’re inspiring. And the upside (for me, at least) is that children who are used to being respected won’t buy anything less. They see through the “cute” treatment and feel only distrust for the person offering it — knowing beyond all doubt that they are much, much more.

(If you’d like to read more of John Holt’s essay “The Cuteness Syndrome”, a slightly different version of the latter part has been reprinted here: The Natural Child Project) 

Photo by Jude Keith Rose

 Acknowledge.

Before you tell your child that it’s time to leave the park, or remind him that the really cool truck he’s examining has to stay at the store, acknowledge his point of view. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.

Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable. 

Acknowledging is simple, but it isn’t easy. It’s counter-intuitive for most of us, even when we’ve done it thousands of times. Won’t acknowledging our child’s wishes make matters worse? Won’t saying “I know how much you want an ice cream cone like the one your friend has and it does look yummy, but we won’t be having dessert until later” make our toddler hold on to the idea longer, cry harder? Wouldn’t it be better to dismiss or downplay the child’s feelings, distract, redirect or say:”Oh, sweetie, not now”?

Our fears about an honest acknowledgement of the situation “making things worse” are almost always unfounded. Feeling heard and understood allows children to release the feelings, let go and move on. Here are more reasons that acknowledging our child’s truth is worth the conscious effort it takes…

1. Acknowledging can stop tears and tantrums in their tracks.

I have witnessed this many, many times. Whether a child is upset about an injury, a disagreement with another child or anger over a conflict with a parent, acknowledging to the child what happened or that he is hurt, frustrated or angry can miraculously ease the pain. Feeling understood is a powerful thing.

2. Acknowledging, instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.

Parents and caregivers have an enormous influence, and their responses have an impact on young children. If, for example, we try to calm children by assuring them that there’s no need to be upset or worried about something that’s troubling them, they may become less inclined to express their feelings. If our goal is our child’s emotional health and keeping the door of communication open – just acknowledging is the best policy. “Daddy left and you are sad.”

I was reminded of this recently when one of my teenage daughters shared her anger and heartbreak over a long time best friend’s lies and betrayal. How hard it was not tell her that this friend is flawed and that my daughter deserves so much better!  How hard it was to just listen and acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. As painful as this experience was for me, I treasure it, because my daughter trusted me with her innermost feelings. I’ll do all in my power to encourage her to share with me again. (My daughter ended up resuming her relationship with her long adored friend, having noted her limitations.) 

3. Acknowledging informs, encourages language development and emotional intelligence.

Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect them. But don’t state the feeling unless you’re sure. It’s safer to use the words “upset” or “bothered” rather than jumping to “scared”, “angry”, etc. When in doubt, you might ask, “Did it make you mad when Joey wouldn’t let you use his blocks?” “Did the dog’s bark frighten you or just surprise you?”

An added benefit: talking to babies, toddlers, children of all ages about these “real things” happening to them is the most powerful, meaningful and natural way for them to learn language.

4. Acknowledging illuminates, helps us understand and empathize.

To state our child’s point of view, we have to first see it, so acknowledging helps to give us clarity.  When we say, “You want me to keep playing this fun game with you, but I’m too tired”, we are encouraged to empathize with our child’s point-of-view (and he ours).

Acknowledging the situation and asking questions (especially when we don’t know the reason our child is upset) can help us to unravel the mystery. “You’re upset and look uncomfortable. You just ate, your diaper is dry. Maybe you need to burp? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.” 

5. Acknowledging struggles might be all the encouragement your child needs to carry on.

This is another scenario in which a simple acknowledgement can work like magic. Rather than saying, “you can do it!”, which can create pressure and set the child up to believe he disappoints us, try saying, “You are working very hard, and you’re making progress. That is tough to do. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?”

6. Acknowledgements instead of praise help children stay inner-directed.

This is as simple as containing our impulse to cheer loudly or say “good job!”, and instead smiling and reflecting, “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was really hard.”

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

7. Acknowledging proves that we are paying attention, makes a child feel understood, accepted, deeply loved and supported.

Could there be any better reason to give it a try?

“People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

“We all need someone who understands.” –Magda Gerber

(Photo by girlwiththecamera on Fickr)

My daughter’s no slacker. Now a freshman at a top university, she’s always been a high achiever and managed to find balance and have a really good time. My two younger children, both busy, accomplished students, also seem to handle stress remarkably well.

Unfortunately, the results of recent research align with my daughter’s discovery in class.  According to a study reported on msnbc, “…five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era. The findings, culled from responses to a popular psychological questionnaire used as far back as 1938, confirm what counselors on campuses nationwide have long suspected as more students struggle with the stresses of school and life in general.”

The question is, what to do about it?

I don’t claim to have the answer to helping overstressed college students, but I give credit for my children’s apparent immunity to the effects of stress to infant specialist Magda Gerber.  Through Magda I learned how to minimize stress beginning in the early, formative years. She also taught me that the real secret to raising children who stress less is nurturing their natural ability to cope with stress, process and offload it.

Here are some details…

Minimizing stress

1. Be responsive and communicative

Tune in and respond to babies. Observe sensitively and learn to interpret their cries and signals. Tell babies what you are doing with them (like picking them up) before you do it. Begin this two-way communication with babies at birth. Invite babies to participate in their care from the very beginning.  

2. Keep it simple, safe, peaceful, predictable, age appropriate

Becoming a parent is the best excuse you’ll ever have to slow down and simplify your life. Recognize that infants and toddlers are sensitive, absorbent and easily over-stimulated, unable to screen out stimulation the way their elders are. Less is more, safest and best.

“No matter how simple an environment is, a baby may be overwhelmed by too much stimulation,” Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect.  “Allow the infant to develop her biological rhythm first and then slowly ease the infant into to the life of the family.”

And since adults are far less sensitive to stimulation, overstimulation is not something we easily detect. “A infant or toddler’s wide-eyed stare may appear to be surprise or intense interest, but according to newborn infant specialist Dr. Kevin Nugent the child is in fact saying “back off”. “A slight turning away of the head, arched eyebrows and too-wide eyes are all signs that he is over-stimulated.” – “Know Your Baby“, The Irish Times

Children feel calmest, happiest and most confident when they can “get a handle on things”, when they know what to expect and comprehend the things they are exposed to. Consider your child’s readiness before asking her to participate in lessons and classes, going to shows, movies or amusement parks, etc. When in doubt, wait.

3. Protect the developing brain

I know this is a controversial and guilt-inducing subject, but I would love to change the mindset I hear about TV use for babies. Parents have been duped into believing that TV is the best or only way to get a break from caring for their children, and that following the guidelines of the AAP is difficult to impossible. The need for TV is not only a lie, it actually creates dependencies on passive entertainment that work against getting those breaks! Perhaps marketers are perpetuating this lie? Or friends and relatives who want you to do what they’re doing, a “safety in numbers” attitude.

If you want a child who can spend long hours entertaining herself (which will afford you many breaks and make you the envy of all your friends with children); and if you want your child to have the best chance of reaching her educational potential, be able to listen and retain what she learns and need to spend less time doing homework, studying for tests, stressing about school in general; then don’t turn on the TV for the first 2 to 3 years. It is much easier than you imagine. But once you begin using TV, it’s harder.

“I’m not saying that you should keep your child away from TV, but you need to know, it’s no different than putting them on drugs. It’s an effective, but not a harmless way to buy yourself a little peace and quiet.” –Teacher Tom, “Watching Television Is Relaxing”

“…research strongly indicates that [screen-viewing] has the potential to affect both the brain itself and related learning abilities.  Abilities to sustain attention independently, stick to problems actively, listen intelligently, read with understanding, and use language effectively may be particularly at risk.  No one knows how much exposure is necessary to make a difference”, notes brain researcher Dr. Jane Healy in Endangered Minds.

If I could share just one secret to raising stress-free learners, it would be to avoid screen use in the early years.

4. Enjoy “being” together rather than requesting performances

Allow your infants, toddlers and preschoolers to learn through play and encourage them to develop naturally at their individual pace. Follow your child’s lead when he plays rather than trying to direct or teach him. Only your child knows what he is ready to learn.

“Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist at the Rockefeller University, notes that asking children to handle material that their brain is not yet equipped for can cause frustration. Perceiving a lack of control is a major trigger of toxic stress, which can damage the hippocampus, a brain area crucial to learning and memory” -”The Death Of Preschool“, Scientific American

Enjoy your children’s company.  Let them be themselves. Give your children the empowering and comforting message through your interactions that they are “enough”.

5. Have an “all feelings allowed” attitude so that children feel their bright and dark sides wholly accepted and welcome. Then they don’t feel pressured to hide their feelings or be inauthentic in order to please us.

6. Provide the comfort and freedom of non-punitive boundaries

Although young children will seldom express this to us, it’s stressful and even frightening for them when they feel “in charge” and have the sense that they are calling the shots — that their parents will give in to avoid their disappointments and tantrums. Parents were created to be their children’s gentle, empathetic leaders.

Enabling children to relieve and manage stress

7. Encourage play as therapy

Cultivate the habit of uninterrupted, self-directed play so that your child has plenty of opportunities to benefit from play’s therapeutic value. (For more, please read: The Power Of Play Therapy.) As your child grows, continue to provide lots of downtime between activities. Value daydreams and puttering.

8. Encourage children to express feelings

Even young infants need to be listened to when they cry, allowed to release stress and offload their feelings. Contrary to conventional thought, there is not a magical age when this begins. It begins at the beginning.

“Respond to your baby by letting him know that you are there and that you care. First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of feeding or changing your baby, to stop the crying, try quietly talking to your baby. Remember, crying is a baby’s language – it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness.  Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.” –Magda Gerber

9. Encourage children to actively participate in coping with stress and conflict

Allow children to be problem solvers whenever possible, whether it be during conflicts with peers, while playing with toys, putting on clothes, or finding their thumb. Allow children opportunities to do the things they are capable of doing. I share more on this subject in The Truth About Infant Self-Soothing.

“We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” – Gerber

10. Trust and belief in your baby as a competent, inner-directed human being capable of making choices is the key to minimizing and processing stress.

An acquaintance once commented to me about my daughter, “Oh, you’re so lucky she’s self-motivated, you don’t have to push her.” As I nodded my head I thought to myself, “No, she’s self-motivated because we don’t push her.” And, thanks to Magda Gerber, that’s the way it has always been.

I’d love to hear your ideas for helping children deal with stress…

(Photo of my daughter was taken by her friend and I’m pretty sure that’s a phone, not a beer in her hand.)  

References (all of which I recommend):

“Watching Television is Relaxing” by Teacher Tom

“Students report more serious stress”, Children’s health on msnbc.com

“Babies And TV: New Media Use Guideline From The AAP” by  Alice Callahan, Ph.D., Science Of Mom

“The Death Of Preschool” by Paul Tullis, Scientific American

Endangered Minds -Why Children Don’t Think And What We Can Do About It by Jane M. Healy, PH.D.

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby” by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

Eva, the 15 month old toddler who captivated and inspired in Don’t Cramp Your Toddler’s Style recently provided her mom Tracy another powerful lesson in trust…

Janet,

I have to share this story with you.  Yet another example of what RIE parenting contributes to. Had I interrupted, tried to fix her feelings, or said, “Don’t touch that snail!” I would have missed the most beautiful moment!

A few days ago, Eva and I watched a big snail crawl up a wall in the sun.  She loved the snail and kept petting him.  At one point she tried to lick the slug, to which I said, “Let’s wait before we start eating escargot.”

Yesterday we went on one of our typical afternoon excursions.   I happened to have my camera with me, because Aunt Laura had sent Eva a cute dress and I wanted her to see her in it.   Eva opened our blue door and was on her way.    As we descended the stairs, Eva suddenly came upon a crushed snail.  When she saw the poor guy, she immediately got upset.  To my surprise, she went over to the flower garden next to him and picked out a few flowers.  She sat down next to the snail, still upset.  Then, she put the flower on the snail.  After his small burial, she walked back home her normal, happy self.

She was so cute and dear, I couldn’t believe it!  I was sad to see her upset, but realized she was having her own little process about the snail.  Watching her reminded me to be aware of others and keep an open and empathetic heart!  I just had to share!

Trace and Eva

“Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative” -Gerber

As the result of being encouraged by her parents to experience the world on her terms as much as possible – supported to be herself – Eva is able to demonstrate her astonishing capacity for empathy, grace, and respect for life.

“At RIE we encourage parents to learn to quiet down, to sit peacefully, to observe and to allow babies to be real. …And as we get sensitized and skilled in the art of observing, we may try the greatest challenge: to look inside – to see, observe and learn about ourselves.” -Gerber

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

It was late in the day, and the parents were beginning to arrive. The boy’s mother was one of the first. She picked up her boy and as she was leaving, stopped to say to the director, “Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning that poor Johnny had to have an enema at the doctor’s yesterday. He didn’t like it at all.” 

Zillions of studies prove the awesome benefits of play, and as Magda’s experience illustrates, one of the most profound is its use as a natural and powerful self-therapy tool. Children use play instinctively to process both environmental stress and inner-conflict. Play therapy helps them to make sense of confusing and bothersome events they might have been exposed to, eases worry and fear.  It’s especially valuable in the early years, before children can verbalize their feelings. Children “play out” disturbing feelings when they can’t tell us what’s wrong or ask us “What’s that?” or “Why?”

To encourage play therapy…

1. Let go of judgment, expectations and play agendas

Let play belong to your child. Rather than interfere as the director in Magda’s example did (interesting that the boy persisted anyway), allow your child to be playwright, director and lead actor when he plays. Relegate yourself to set design by creating a safe, enriching environment with open-ended, simple toys and objects where your baby can explore and experiment. Then let him mess it up and redesign as he wishes.  Never interrupt unnecessarily.

 2. Take it outdoors whenever possible

Create a safe, enclosed outdoor play space with a chair and table nearby where you can relax (and maybe even do a little work) while you baby enjoys the enhanced therapeutic benefits of fresh air and nature. When the weather cooperates, move your life outdoors. Your children will sleep better, play better and even eat better. As a friend of mine once noted, “Food tastes better outside.”

3. Nurture the self-directed play habit

Play is a natural inclination for babies and they love it, but it’s up to us to begin the habit – to make it an essential part of their day. Young infants can (and will) let us know when they need to be held, but it is nearly impossible for a months-old baby to indicate “I’d like a little time to move freely and do what I want”.  And doing what I want is the key to play therapy.

Begin by placing an infant on her back and observing her response. If the baby complains tell her you hear her, ask her what she needs and if she wants to be picked up. Don’t jump the gun. Sometimes, like all of us, a baby just wants us to listen and try to understand. Brief episodes of this kind of “play” in which your baby might look around, stretch and twist, experiment with the workings of her limbs and study her fascinating hands will extend into longer periods. Your baby’s self-directed play soon becomes the highlight of your day together.

4. Watch, learn and appreciate

Most therapeutic play is far less obvious than the example of the boy and the spoon, especially before children are able to talk. Usually it’s below the radar, undetectable to us. We’re left wondering what our babies might be processing, if anything. And that will remain a mystery. But since birth itself is stressful, even the youngest infants could conceivably have issues to work through. Honing our observation skills helps us detect the more subtle examples.

In a recent class, a 16 month old toddler did something I’ve never seen before. She recently became a big sister and was separated from her mother for several days due to complications during the birth. 

We have a row of three large wooden boxes in the RIE playroom. One of them has a round hole cut out at the top. This little girl took the largest baby doll and managed to push it down through the hole, which wasn’t easy. And she did it again. And again. And again. Hmmm…

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit
Get over it, get over it

I struggled to maintain an impassive expression, which was especially difficult knowing that this mom is also a psychologist and school counselor.

I’m sure this family’s intentions were good, and I can certainly relate to wanting a child’s emotional outbursts to end as soon as possible. But my heart hurt imagining this child’s experience as his feelings were ridiculed, invalidated, erased. Should children have to ‘snap out of it’, smile and laugh to please their parents when they feel like crying or yelling?

“I may be overly sensitive, but it even bothers me when I see an adult smiling at a crying, upset or sad child. Why do we want to manipulate young children’s moods and feelings?” -Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

Confusion, invalidation, disrespect

Children need our empathy, acceptance, and comfort when they are upset. Even in infancy, our children have a deep need to know that their feelings are legitimate and that expressing them is okay with us. Smiling, laughing, tickling, or telling children they’re okay when they cry might seem more benevolent than reacting angrily or telling them to be quiet, but the message is the same: You shouldn’t be upset. Your feelings aren’t valid or acceptable. A child can’t help but feel his feelings, so he’s left with the sense that there’s something wrong…with him.

A young child’s outbursts may appear to be unreasonable or an overreaction. Still, I’ve learned that we must do all we can to remain patient and let these waves of emotion pass. Feelings are just feelings, and they don’t always make sense. If we make the effort to acknowledge all the hard feelings and also to understand them, we help our child to understand them, too. The child feels unequivocally loved and supported in the process. “You really wanted the blue cup, and I only have the white one. I see how disappointed you are.”

“Sadness, discomfort, frustration – they are all valid human emotions.  Why would we want to suppress them?” –Magda Gerber

Chasing happiness with inauthenticity

I’ve never met a parent who doesn’t have the instinct to please his or her children. Most of us want to do whatever it takes to make our kids happy. This is a great instinct, except when it leads us to faking our own happiness, stifling or indulging a child to avoid hearing her cries and objections, or neglecting opportunities to provide the behavior boundaries a child desperately needs.  When our priority is to ‘keep ‘em smiling’ at all costs, we don’t help ourselves or our children in the long term.

A parent in my class was confused about advice she heard: “Play with your toddler when she throws her cup from the table, she’s signaling the need for a game of catch”.  Seriously? As much as I love to play, I can’t imagine anything less appealing than trying to manufacture fun and playfulness when I’m not feeling it. I strongly disagree with this kind of advice and here’s why…

1. Modeling honesty

We are the most powerful models our children will ever have, and authenticity has to run both ways. Children read our subtext a mile away. We may be smiling and playing games, but they always know when we’re really annoyed, bored, or angry. Imagine how confusing and disconcerting it is for children to receive this dual message (not to mention how exhausting “keeping the party going” is for us).

“Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative. And allow your child to learn about you.  Be genuine and honest in your interactions.  You do not need to put on a sweet smile when you are awakened in the middle of the night. You are sleepy, so act sleepy.” –Magda Gerber

2. Children need answers

Children testing limits deserve a calm, direct and honest response and a little instruction. Toddlers don’t want to be an annoyance to us. But they have to keep testing until they know for certain what we expect them to do or not do. As I suggest in 5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need Redirection (And What Do To Instead), when we avoid confronting these requests and instead distract our child or turn limit setting into a game, the child’s challenging (but healthy!) need for boundaries is not being met. As a result, toddler testing might continue into the 3’s, 4’s and 5’s. Don’t underestimate a toddler’s ability to understand or cope with a truthful response. They need honest interactions with us from the start.

3. Confession…

Children perceive our inauthentic responses as dismissive and uncaring. How do I know? I’m embarrassed to say that I have the habit of covering my own inattention and other awkward moments with unconscious laughter. My 9 year old son has been calling me on it lately. Just the other day, he asked me something while I was writing and I tittered, not having listened to him, and he scolded me. When I asked him, genuinely curious, why my fake laugh bothered him he answered, “It’s like you don’t care at all.” I was chagrined, but it made total sense. The nice thing about 9 year olds is that they can tell you what they’re thinking. Infants and toddlers can’t.

Smile!

I remember everyone, even random strangers, chanting “smile!” at me when I was young. It was well-intentioned, but it was annoying having to perform to please everyone when I didn’t happen to feel like smiling. The worst was “Smile! You’re so much prettier that way!” Must I appear to be happy all the time…and pretty, too? Can’t you like me as I am? What’s so great about a smile, anyway, if it doesn’t come from within?

Magda Gerber believed passionately in nurturing authenticity, inner-directedness, and honest relationships between parents and children. Few child care experts have been as outspoken about these things, especially in regard to infancy.  She was a model of the approach she espoused – couldn’t “fake it” if she tried. Her influence changed my life and I can’t thank her enough. This approach might take more diligence, and we won’t be perfect, but a commitment to authenticity will ultimately set us free – child and parent. And I’m learning that the freedom to be real is a sure way to happiness…the enduring kind.

“I can be sad or happy whenever anything makes me sad or happy; I don’t have to look cheerful for someone else, and I don’t have to suppress my distress or anxiety to fit other people’s needs.  I can be angry and no one will die or get a headache because of it.”  – Dr. Alice Miller, (a baby’s fantasy) Drama of the Gifted Child

“No wonder so many adults seek therapy, trying to sort out how they really feel.” -Magda Gerber

(Photo by Cilou101 on Flickr)

The parents and caregivers I know and have known (myself included) are of a very different ilk – 180 degrees different, in fact. We’re jolted by our baby’s slightest expression of discomfort or dismay. Our instinct is to do anything in our power to stop a baby from crying. When our baby’s cries aren’t easily abated we’re unnerved, frustrated, feel like complete failures. One sound from the baby, and the pressure we feel is enormous. Make the crying stop so I can breathe again.

Perhaps we shush, rock, jiggle, use electric swings, washing machines, pacifiers, drive all over the neighborhood, nurse babies for hours on end, afraid to take them off the breast even while they sleep lest they wake up and cry. Some moms might attempt to sleep all night with a baby latched on. Our own discomfort is better than bearing even a moment of our baby’s.

We do our best to discern the different cries and respond appropriately, but doubts and comparisons loom… Apparently, ’tribal babies’ don’t cry, so what’s the matter with us?

Later, the time comes when we have to say no to our toddlers and they object to our decision and end up crying. This also feels innately wrong. So we either find ways to distract our child or just give in and please him instead, which then causes our children to make increasingly unreasonable demands…because they desperately need our “no” and their cry. But instinct and culture tell us our children shouldn’t be crying, and it’s up to us to make them stop. 

Thankfully there are some intelligent, insightful, compassionate voices of reason out there. Experts like Magda Gerber, Aletha Solter, and Patty Wipfler are champions for your baby’s emotional health…and yours, too. Their books and articles help us to understand that an infant’s cries are not only okay, they serve an important purpose. When babies cry, our job is to tune in, provide help, love and support as needed, but not necessarily stop the crying.

These experts agree that crying is the primary manner in which babies communicate, and we must, without question, respond to our baby’s cries. As Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect: “Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. To follow the advice, “do not let your baby cry,” is practically impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to stop the baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.”

1. When we calm ourselves, we’re able to listen and respond to the true need

When we follow our impulse to quickly stop the crying, we aren’t taking the time to listen to and understand our baby’s cues and less likely to validate the baby’s communication by giving her what she really needs.

“When babies and toddlers don’t feel good, they cry in order to clear the tension they feel.  We try to get them “settled down” with patting, bouncing, walking, pacifiers, and sometimes, the breast.  We’ve been trained to believe that a baby will do better as soon as she is able to stop expressing her upset. …However, you’ll see that when you stop a baby from expressing feelings, she doesn’t actually feel better”   –Patty Wipfler, Hand In Hand Parenting

“An anxious and irritated parent (crying does irritate!) will most likely do what brings the fastest relief – give the breast or bottle. The baby almost always accepts it, calms down and often falls asleep. Of course, this is the right solution if the baby is hungry.  However, if the baby has other needs (for instance being tired or having pain), she will learn to expect food in response to these other needs, and grasp the breast or bottle even though she is not hungry.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

“Why is it so difficult to hold a crying baby and to accept the crying? Probably because few people were allowed to cry as much as needed when they were little. Your parents may have tried to stop you from crying when you were a baby. Perhaps they gave you a pacifier, or kept trying to feed you, or jiggled you every time you cried, thinking this was what you needed at the moment. Perhaps they tried to distract you with toys, music, or games, when all you needed was their undivided attention and loving arms so that you could continue with your crying.” –Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting

2. Crying is natural, healthy healing

When parents first attend my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes, I make a point of letting them know – crying is allowed here. I sense their relief. Gina from The Twin Coach wrote an insightful account of her visit to my class, but her observation that the babies “never once cried” was a rarity! Usually someone cries at least a little. At RIE we understand that babies cry and parents need not feel stressed or embarrassed about it.

”Fortunately, babies come equipped with a repair kit, and can overcome the effects of stress through the natural healing mechanism of crying. Research has shown that people of all ages benefit from a good cry, and tears help to restore the body’s chemical balance following stress.” -Solter

“… when a baby cries about something that’s not actually threatening, or something that is an unavoidable annoyance, she’s engaged in a natural and important endeavor.  She’s having some feelings, and telling you about them.” -Wipfler

“All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn’t cry – no infant can be raised without crying. Respond to the baby, reflecting that you are there and that eventually you will understand the reasons for the crying.” -Gerber

“A growing number of psychologists believe that the healing function of crying begins at birth, and that stress-release crying early in life will help prevent emotional and behavioral problems later on.” -Solter

3. Wild animals won’t eat our babies

Babies could not cry in primitive societies because their survival was at stake. Nor could these children squeal with exuberance like my neighbor’s children are doing at this very moment (and I love that sound), or sing at the top of their lungs in a high-pitched voice like my son often does first thing in the morning. His joyful noise is a little unnerving before the caffeine’s done its job, but I’m grateful to have a child who wakes up exceedingly happy, feels free to express himself and lives in a society in which freedom of expression is not only allowed, but encouraged and valued.

I can certainly understand relating to a particular primitive practice and choosing to adopt it. But comparing ourselves and our babies to tribal families without taking into account the context in which these ancestral behaviors “worked” makes little sense to me. The realities of our lives and the expectations we have for our children couldn’t be more different.

4. Passing down our discomfort

“Our culture tends to block and suppress the healthy expression of deep emotions. Some adults remember being punished, threatened, or even abused when they cried as children. Others remember their parents using kinder methods to stop them from crying, perhaps through food or other distractions. This early repression of crying could be one factor leading to the use of chemical agents later in life to repress painful emotions.” -Solter

“It’s painful to listen to a crying baby. Grown-ups tend to overreact to a child’s cry. Why? Because crying often stirs up painful memories of our own childhood, churning up issues of abandonment and fear. Perhaps as babies or young children we were not allowed to cry and were distracted or reproached when we did. Our children’s tears many trigger in us these buried memories of rage, helplessness, or terror, taking us back to those early years. Our baby’s message may then become muddled in our own issues. Try to listen to your baby to hear what she is saying.” -Gerber

5. Less abuse?

If we could all be more comfortable with babies crying would parents be less likely to abuse? My guess is yes.

“For instance, sometimes babies cry when we disappear into the shower, when a friendly stranger approaches, or when we put them down to crawl or walk.  Many babies develop a hatred of their car seat. Some parents decide to go for days without a shower, or to carry their baby all the time, in an effort to remedy this kind of crying.  Life gets harder, and parenting less enjoyable.” -Wipfler

6. Calm breeds calm

There is no one more sensitive than an infant and the people he is most sensitive to are his parents. Every interaction we have is an educational experience. Babies want what all of us want when we cry — to be heard, understood, and helped if possible. Sometimes the help they need is our calm support so that they can fully express their feelings.

“Do not start crazy tricks.  Infants do not need them at any age, and neither do you. Do not make babies dependent on distractions that you do not want them to depend on later. …Your baby will learn to be calm from a calm parent in a calm atmosphere.” –Gerber

7. We bond through gentle, calm listening and observing, honesty and acceptance.

“What can parents do? First of all, it is important to check for immediate needs and discomforts, such as hunger or coldness. But if your baby is still fussy after you have filled her basic needs, it is quite appropriate simply to hold her lovingly and allow her to continue crying.” -Solter

“A crying baby responds to gentleness and calmness. Respond slowly and acknowledge that she is crying by saying, “You’re crying. What’s the matter?” Next, make sure that her basic needs are taken care of.  Be sure your baby is fed and warm.  Some babies are more sensitive to a wet diaper than others, so check that.  If she is neither hungry nor tired and seems to have no other pressing need, observe her to discover the possible source of any other discomfort. Tell her you’re trying to understand what she wants. This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.” – Gerber

“After a good cry, your baby will connect with you.  And she will thrive. …You’ve listened and let her tell you, in her powerful nonverbal way, what was on her mind.  There’s nothing like being heard fully to settle a child’s mind, and help her feel loved.” -Wipfler

References (all of which I recommend):

Aletha Solter: “What To Do When Your Baby Cries” and “Crying For Comfort – Distressed Babies Need To Be Held” from Aware Parenting

Patty Wipfler: “In Your Arms Crying Heals The Hurt” from Birthways Newsletter  

Magda Gerber: Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect and Your Self Confident Baby: How To Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities From The Very Start

The Twin Coach: “How Doing Less Could Make You A Better Parent”

(Photo by tostadophotos.com on Flickr)