Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

In his book Escape From Childhood, educator John Holt relates a “most embarrassing moment” shared with him by a friend. The friend was walking in a department store behind two little boys when “feeling affectionate and mischievous, she put a fingertip on each boy’s head. In an instant, two furious adult faces looked up at her, and in a harsh, high, but adult voice, one of them said, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’”

It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to Holt that his friend’s embarrassing story belied a common and unfortunate perception – that it would have been okay to touch these men of short stature had they been children, even though she didn’t know them from Adam.

Is it our well-meaning perception of children as cute and adorable that causes us to treat them less respectfully than we would another adult?  Is every child’s round head ours to touch? Are babies ours to pick up and hold; their cheeks ours to pinch?

I’m reminded of Magda Gerber’s wise words, “Much harm has been done in the name of love, but no harm can be done in the name of respect.”

Our love and affection for children is a positive thing, but if we don’t make the conscious effort to respect first, these positive feelings can lead us to treat children in demeaning, diminishing ways.

Not Just Cute, the expressive title of Amanda Morgan’s engaging parenting website says it all. Puppies, kittens and dolls might be cute, but our children need to know from the beginning that they are far more than that in our eyes. Even our babies need us to consider them ‘serious’ people. As Holt writes, “[Children] are not at all sentimental about their littleness. They would rather be big than little, and they want to get big as soon as they can.”

‘Cute’ isn’t a word to be abolished from our vocabulary. It has its purposes. For one, I feel much more comfortable calling someone of the opposite sex “cute” than “hot” (as my teenagers might). But “cute” spills out of me much more than I’d like, especially with young children. Our little ones can be so delightful and charming that it’s challenging to compose ourselves.  This is yet another parenting challenge, but a worthy one: taking care not to minimize, weaken and lessen those who most need our empowerment.

Here are some instances when our children should definitely not be perceived as cute…

1. When they’re upset

Has anyone ever told you, “You’re cute when you’re angry”? Perhaps this only happened in 1940’s movies, but don’t tell me it wouldn’t enrage you if it did! And yet, situations like the one John Holt describes in this passage happen all the time…

“One afternoon I was with several hundred people in an auditorium of a junior college when we heard outside the building the passionate wail of a small child. Almost everyone smiled, chuckled, or laughed. Perhaps there was something legitimately comic in the fact that one child should, and without even trying, be able to interrupt the supposedly important thoughts and words of all these adults. But beyond this was something else: the belief that the feelings, pains and passions of children were not real, not to be taken seriously. If we had heard outside the building the voice of an adult crying in pain, anger, or sorrow, we would not have smiled or laughed but would have been frozen in wonder and terror.”

2. When they express kindness, generosity, love and affection

As hard as it is for some of us not to say an adoring “Awww!” when a baby holds hands with another, a toddler hugs his friend or hands another child a toy, it’s important that we try to restrain ourselves. Yes, these exquisite moments are the good stuff of parenting, rewards that we should enjoy and celebrate. But it’s safer to do so quietly, especially if the child isn’t looking our way.  Our exuberant expressions of appreciation distract and turn the child’s authentic act into a little performance. These acts become a way to garner our positive attention, which can then become the sole motivation for them.

Our perception of children as cute ends up interfering with their intrinsic motivation.  Children might be encouraged to take on the “cute” identity and become unconsciously motivated to exploit it…

“A cute child soon learns to do almost everything she or he does, at least around adults, to get an effect.  Such children become self-conscious, artful, calculating, manipulative. They pay more and more attention to how they appear in the eyes of others. I often see such simpering, mincing, cutesy-smiling, fake-laughing children with adults in public places. They become specialists in human relations, which they see more and more as a kind of contest to see who can get the most out of others.” -Holt

3. When they are focused, determined, brave or trying to do new things

“I used to think the clumsiness of infants learning to walk was cute. Now I watch in a different spirit. Although there is nothing cute about clumsiness – any more than littleness – there is something very appealing and exciting about watching children just learning to walk.  They do it so badly, it is so clearly difficult, and in the child’s terms may even be dangerous.  Most adults, even many older children, would instantly stop trying to do anything that they did as badly as new walkers do their walking. But infants just keep on. They are so determined, they’re working so hard and they’re so excited that learning t o walk is not just an effort and struggle but a joyous adventure.” –Holt

These qualities in children aren’t cute — they’re inspiring. And the upside (for me, at least) is that children who are used to being respected won’t buy anything less. They see through the “cute” treatment and feel only distrust for the person offering it — knowing beyond all doubt that they are much, much more.

(If you’d like to read more of John Holt’s essay “The Cuteness Syndrome”, a slightly different version of the latter part has been reprinted here: The Natural Child Project) 

Photo by Jude Keith Rose

Still avidly reading your blog and just read your listening article. I  have a question: I started taking my daughter (28 months) to a gym class at a local community center (can’t afford the fancy kid gym classes), and I’m interested in your thoughts regarding her behavior and how best to deal with it.

My daughter in general is a fearless, fun little girl with tons of energy, so I figured the classes would be a great way to get that energy out.  It is a community setting with toys, books and other fun things to explore so it’s hard sometimes to get her to focus on the actual class. Most of the time, she likes to just run around and do her own thing. So far, at the start of the class I guide her to get her involved by doing the tasks with her, and then after a while I let her do what she wants. I make sure she is respectful of the class and at times try to re-engage her with what is happening in the class – that’s why we are there.

My question is…should I be focusing on helping her listen to direction and focusing on the class, or should I let her just do what she wants, as long as it’s not destructive to the class and her surroundings?  I think she is on that edge of learning and that, with my respectful guidance, I might help her to just focus on the class and task at hand. At the same time, though, I want her to have the freedom to get what she wants from the class on her own terms. Example, this morning: “I see you are interested in this toy but we are here to play on the mats. Want to come and see if you can play on the mat?” Most of the time she says yes, plays for a bit, then runs off. In the back of my mind I wonder, did I just manipulate her?

My instincts say we have a good balance, but which is more important — focus or freedom? What would be best for her at this age?

Thank you for any guidance and thoughts,
Natalia

Hi Natalia,

“What is more important – focus or freedom?”  Hmmm… Thank you for this interesting question.

Both are important, but in this case, focus and freedom aren’t an either/or option… In fact, it is through the freedom to play as she wishes that your daughter will develop strong focus and listening abilities.

Your daughter will focus for much longer periods with activities she chooses, rather than those chosen for her in an adult directed class. 

She will learn to listen more intently because she wants to (while you are reading her a favorite book, answering her questions, commenting on what she is choosing to do while she plays, for example), than she will when you are trying to engage her in an activity chosen by you or others (even though your approach sounds very respectful).  

She is also likely to be a better listener if you limit the amount of times you ask her to listen. Save your “listening” requests for necessities, like giving her behavior boundaries, or enlisting her cooperation during diaper changes, dressing, bathing, mealtimes, etc.

If your daughter has the option of learning through play her way in the gym class setting, by all means allow her to do that. If not, I would question the benefit of the class at this age, which brings up a broader issue…

Do toddlers gain from adult-led learning and instruction? In my opinion (shared by most early childhood educators), the possible negatives to early instruction, even when it is as innocuous as a gym class, outweigh the benefits. Classes and lessons for infants and toddlers can discourage…

Autonomy and Self-Confidence

In the words of David Elkind (from his book Miseducation – Preschoolers At Risk), “Programs designed to teach three and four year olds to ski, play tennis, do karate, and engage in gymnastics miseducate young children… Very young children subjected to such instruction are in danger of learning to be overly dependent upon adults for guidance and direction. Their budding sense of autonomy is thus put at risk for no purpose. This danger is avoided, and the skills can be learned more effectively and efficiently, when they are taught at a later, more appropriate age.”

Creativity

Enrolling a toddler who loves to dance at home in a dance class, for example, encourages her to move like everyone else. Once she learns the “right” way to dance, she is far more inclined to imitate, less likely to enjoy dancing her way.

Parents

Honestly, trying to coax a 2 year old to follow instructions when she is eager to explore her true interests sounds very tiring to me, besides being not worth the trouble (or money). I’d rather save my frustration for the activities that I have to insist on… like brushing teeth or going to bed.

However, there are a couple of BIG positives to classes… Classes give us something to do with our children in community with others. For that reason alone, joining a class makes total sense.  Also, there are usually fun toys, materials and equipment you probably don’t have at home. 

So, if your daughter is allowed to participate on her terms and use the facility the way she wishes (safely), it will be a productive class for her.

The key is not to “get” a child to focus, but rather to recognize her natural ability to focus on what interests her, allow and encourage it.

Children have so many years of instruction ahead of them from Kindergarten onwards… Trusting your daughter to be an inner-directed, independent and active learner in these first years is one of the best gifts you can give her.

Please let me know what you think. And thank you for reading the blog!

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                                        Janet

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

Note the baby’s choice to roll on the floor while she plays with the colander, even though she has attained more “advanced” motor milestones like sitting.  This physical versatility, fluidity of movement and general sense of comfort in one’s skin are apparent in babies who have been allowed unrestricted movement, given lots of floor time, and trusted to move when ready from the back position.

Please share your impressions!

(Filmed during a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class in Los Angeles)

The “Today” TV show in Australia recently joined the conversation and presented a segment on RIE they called “Hollywood Parenting”. Set against a cheesy backdrop of the Hollywood Hills, the Hollywood sign prominently displayed, our very un-Hollywood current RIE executive director Deborah Solomon managed to rise above the swaying palm trees and remain poised and articulate.

Here’s the video I ripped. (They used videos from my posts Baby, Interrupted - 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus and Attention Span, and Baby Table Manners without asking, so I figure we’re even.)  If you’d like to see this in better quality, try here.

Thank you, Deborah. I only wish they had included some footage of the real celebrity linked to RIE — infant specialist and founder Magda Gerber.

So, now that perceiving an infant as a whole person and following RIE’s 30 year old child care guidelines is considered “Hollywood”, what next?  Perhaps respecting babies will become cool, even glamorous? If those words open the door for a few more parents to find inspiration and encouragement from Magda Gerber’s wisdom, so be it. Magda wouldn’t mind. She took infants seriously, but never lost her sense of humor.

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

So, I had very mixed feelings about filming the 7-10 month old babies playing during “observation time” in my RIE parent/infant class. As I’d feared, holding up my new Flip camera (thanks for the early Christmas gift, Mike) distracted these ultra-aware infants a little. But when I saw the videos,  I decided it was worth it for the thrill of sharing a sample of the wonders we experience with babies every week!

I’ve isolated the clips below because they provide different examples of babies “playing” together, sometimes (when we want to sound fancy) referred to as “infant-infant interaction”.  Infant expert Magda Gerber strongly believed in giving babies time for free exploration with their peers and recommended forming play groups. “Children have different agendas with adults than with their peers, and they learn from each other.”

I think you’ll agree after seeing these videos that watching babies play together is good for parents, too.

1. Ouch!… My Ear. (When we allow babies the freedom to interact, there are going to be minor bumps and upsets. Babies learn from these, too. We can’t have the wonderful, spontaneous moments if we are constantly intervening.) 

2. Like Feet. (Each parent/infant group has its own unique dynamic. The babies in this group are particularly fascinated with each other’s feet.)

3. Lean On Me. (Making friends, infant style.)

Tips for encouraging self-directed infant play…

Safety. Create a safe, enclosed play space. For group play, babies have the most freedom to interact safely when they are grouped with children of a similar age or stage of development. At RIE we use a lot of light, plastic, cleanable toys for safety reasons.

Give babies your focused attention. To be able to play independently and confidently babies need periods of our undivided attention, especially during feedings, bathing, diaper changes. (At RIE we have a separate area for parents to nurse, bottle feed or change their babies.)

The play habit. Provide plenty of opportunities for uninterrupted, independent play each day. Groups work best for babies when they meet regularly and include the usual suspects.

Minimal interruption. Stay in responsive mode. Intervene calmly and gently when babies are hurt (or better — about to be hurt), as beautifully demonstrated by the parents in the first video clip.

For more about play groups, please read: The Baby Social Scene. To form groups of your own, log on to the community forum and list your city. 

Please share any thoughts or questions about the videos!

We are our child’s first teacher, but while we are observing, our babies do the teaching. In both my infant and toddler classes on a recent Friday, the babies were – as usual — providing humorous lessons. My take-away… “Observe, observe, observe.”

We’d had some “quiet observation” time in the toddler class and were engaged in discussion when a child, who had recently begun walking, stepped toward the doorway to the deck. I was sitting in the doorway, as I usually do, and reflexively moved my feet to clear the way for him to pass. 

A moment later the boy turned around to go back through the doorway, but this time he carefully, deliberately stepped over my feet (which are admittedly gi-normous). Then…I got it! He had wanted to use my feet as an obstacle to help build and practice his walking skills.

How often I’ve observed toddlers challenging themselves in order to master new skills. They look for big and small challenges, or create them on their own, do things like trying to pick up many, many more objects than they could possibly hold, carry buckets full of toys up and down steps they’ve only just learned to climb empty handed, balance buses on top of each other or drag them up and over the climbing structure.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with our impulse to assist and accommodate babies, and it never hurts to model politeness, but my “foot-pas” made me smile, because it was such a perfect example of the different ways toddlers and adults tend to perceive situations. We understand a baby’s point-of-view best when we’re quietly paying attention.

Later that day in the infant class, Katherine, a 5 month old, rolled off of the soft rug onto the floor. Her dear dad, concerned for her safety and comfort, picked her up and returned her to her back on the rug. Almost immediately, she rolled back off onto the hard floor again. Katherine’s insistence on using the hard surface, and her father’s enchanting impulse to rescue her happened a few more times before we observed that Katherine (an impressively strong baby, who does her own abdominal curls while lying on her back) seemed to be using her neck muscles to lift her head off of the floor so she could land it gently when she rolled. She was using her strength and balance to work on falling safely, an invaluable skill for infants and toddlers, and she was already quite able at it.

I got a kick out of imagining a fast-forward –  this lovely relationship dynamic continuing years from now — Katherine’s dad just trying to help, Katherine insisting on showing him that she was quite capable on her own,  thank you very much.

Observing babies may not sound warm, cozy and inviting, and it’s certainly challenging, but it’s the key to understanding and appreciating our children, their intentions, learning styles, distinct personalities, needs and desires before they have the language skills to explain those things. So watch and enjoy, because when children feel understood they feel our love.

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose, director of  the RIE-based childcare center West Hill Educare, in Ithaca, New York)

Please share your observations!

Lucy had almost ventured out the week before but decided to stop at the doorway and investigate tape wrapped around the bottom corner of the door instead. She remained there entranced until class ended.

According to the findings from recent brain studies, infants and toddlers can’t help but notice every detail in their environment. They view the world with “lantern-type” attention rather than a focused beam of light. Easily distracted and insatiably curious, a piece of tape beckons as powerfully as a deck flooded with L.A. sunshine.

Lucy’s dad shared his observations about his daughter’s evolution from shifting, pivoting, and inching across the floor to her new ability to sit, climb up and over a 3 inch platform, and set off speedily in a direction of her choosing. At home he had noticed Lucy repeating movements back and forth, “as if loosening a hinge”, testing out new positions and then resuming her more familiar patterns.  

These self-initiated tests — repetitions, explorations, experiments — are the way children learn.  Learning to move comes naturally, but each infant must still “reinvent the wheel” for him or herself. Most importantly, as infant expert Magda Gerber taught us, while babies are developing and practicing their motor skills, they are also learning how to learn.

Babies discover that learning is about making mistakes and risking failures to make progress. It’s exciting, rewarding and frustrating. It takes enormous effort and persistence. It means being flexible, open to trying another way.  Sometimes it means straining to reach an object an inch away, finally getting traction, only to find you’re scooting backwards instead. Typically, it’s taking two steps forward and then kerplunk! But as parents we must realize: this process of struggle comes naturally to infants.

Magda Gerber advocated ample opportunities for uninterrupted infant play each day. How unusual this advice was, and still is. “Parents know they should hold their babies, but they don’t know to give their babies this time, time to move and explore.” 

If we give babies these daily opportunities to ‘learn how to learn’, we instill in them a positive attitude toward obstacles, challenges, and problem solving.  These babies, able to maximize their talents with innate learning skills, grow to be independent and capable students who find every aspect of school easier, more enriching, less stressful. I know this from experience – with my own kids and others. 

In fact, the comments I’ve just read in my middle daughter’s first high school progress report could just as easily have described her playing as an infant — could be descriptive of Lucy and the many other infants I’ve observed, too: “Participates actively”; “tremendous work ethic”; “has very impressive focus and concentration”; “spirited enthusiasm and a high level of self-motivation”; “diligent work habits”; “attentive when her peers are offering their input or asking questions”; “engaged and involved in everything that happens each day – working to build a solid understanding of the material.”  And one I really admire and appreciate from my daughter’s graphic design teacher: “quickly caught on to software tools and has wrangled them to eloquently express her ideas.” 

A child’s positive, productive attitude towards learning begins as an infant — on the floor.

“As we observe infants, it almost looks as if they are working rather than playing: they are fully involved, absorbed in what they are doing. We don’t need to invent exercises for them. They learn to follow their instincts and to trust their own judgment.”

-Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect

I have a different type of question and very much value your input.

Where I live there is some social pressure to start one’s child in a daycare/preschool at the age of 2. The school we selected is considered one of the best and has been around for 30 years, so I know we will be in good hands. They have a special program, routine set up that includes independent play, group play, outdoor play and a group meal.

My dilemma: what do think is the optimal age to place one’s child in a daycare/preschool setting? Should it matter that 80-90% of his peers are already in such a setting? Will he be behind socially or emotionally if I wait 3 months, 6 months, one year?

If I do start him, I would only put him in for 1/2 day and he would take his afternoon nap at home.

I am anxious for your response.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Molly

Dear Molly,

I laud you for giving such careful consideration to this decision. I have to admit, hearing the words “social pressure” immediately gets my back up. Making choices for our children is hard enough without dealing with the opinions of other parents! If you have doubts about any decision that affects your child, don’t be swayed by pressure from others. Ever.

If a particular school tells you that your child cannot enroll unless he begins at age 2, or urges you to start your child earlier than you wish to for any reason, run for the hills. The school is not a good philosophical fit for you. And when your children are teens (like 2 of mine are), you’ll hope and pray that they don’t give in to social pressure either.

Since the RIE classes I facilitate wind down when the children are 2 to 2 ½ years old, I’m often asked about preschool/daycare readiness. My personal opinion is that group socialization is helpful and positive for a child of 3 or 4, but toddlers 2 years of age or younger do not need to socialize in a group setting.

Group care adds stress to the life of a preverbal child (which is not to say a baby cannot handle it and thrive — just something to consider). If we can’t yet communicate all our needs verbally, combined with the fact that we are being cared for in a group, it can create stress, even in the most ideal setting. Playing with one friend from time to time, going to the park, meeting the plumber and saying “hi” to the mailman is plenty of social interaction for a child 2 and younger. If you have the choice to keep your son home for another year, he will only benefit.

For many families, group care is a necessity. Needing (or wanting) child care and having access to an excellent facility like the one you describe are good reasons to begin daycare or preschool.

It’s curious to me that age 2 is now considered the time to begin preschool in some circles. It used to be 3 to 3 ½. Children aren’t maturing any faster now, but they are expected to be ready to begin school earlier. Hmmm.

Whenever you decide to start your son in school, whether now or later, be certain about your decision. Know for sure that you are choosing the right time and place, so that you project conviction.  That will make the transition much easier and smoother for you and for your boy.

I consulted my friend and associate Roseann Murphy, who studied with infant/toddler expert Magda Gerber and directed a child care center for infants, toddlers and preschoolers for many years. She kindly offered her professional opinion:

“My first instinct is to suggest that she wait for at least six months. There is much development that takes place between two and three. My optimal age would be three or older.  Children this age have a command of the language and are usually toilet trained (depending on the child). Separation is a little easier. (The caregiver-to-child ratio in daycare/preschool averages 4 children to 1 adult from 0-24 months….then magically at two years the ratio changes from 8 to 14 children with 1, possibly 2 caregivers.)  

If your reader is worried about not securing an opening …that is alright….there will be a place when the time is right.  If she does not need child care because of work, then I would cherish the time she has for the next number of months and go to a few Mommy and Me groups where she is present. 

David Elkind (psychologist, author of “The Hurried Child”) believes a later start is better.  My dear friend Lois Robbert wrote a book in 1984 about preschool readiness and subscribes to the preschool age as three and above. She says, “Each child grows at his own natural pace and in his own time.  It means respecting the child’s developmental level and not pushing him into school before he is ready.  From a developmental view, it is understood that there is as much as a two-year difference in the development of children.  Boys, in particular, are slower to develop than girls.  A bright child may appear capable intellectually, but may have physical, social or emotional immaturity that would make it beneficial to spend more time at home” (“What is a Good Preschool Education?” Lois Robbert, UCLA 1984)

Magda’s approach would be very similar, as we know… 

Children have a long school career ahead of them…years of socialization and academia. What a gift for a child to have the relaxation of home if it is possible…to spend time with Mother, bake, shop, play, etc. Socialization comes regardless. 

For all of us in my age bracket, we can testify to how quickly time passes, how if we could get it back we might spend more time doing the relaxing/exploring thing with our children…”

Ditto everything Roseann said, especially her last thought! And if you decide to keep your son at home and don’t know what to say to your friends… how about, “Just need a bit more time with my little guy…before he’s off to school for the next 15 to 20 years.”

Molly, thanks so much for asking these questions. I hope this helps. Hopefully others will share their thoughts here as well… 

All the best,

Janet

Thrilled and relieved to be given “permission” by infant expert Magda Gerber years ago to be a facilitator when my infants and toddlers played, rather than entertainer or teacher, I’ve repeatedly rediscovered the beauty of “staying out of the way.” Babies are engaged longer and encouraged to be more creative and self-reliant when we observe, respond and appreciate, rather than choosing their activities, showing them how they should play, or doing it for them. What’s good for parents is good for babies, too. 

A recent parent/toddler class vividly demonstrated the value of letting babies play their way. 

Reading baby minds — windows into our child’s emergent personality. 

Wouldn’t you love to know what babies are thinking? I know I would, and when we quietly observe it’s sometimes possible to decipher. Watching our baby play gives us a glimpse of his unique thought processes and distinct personality. It’s often fascinating and amusing. 

Two year old Travis gave us all a giggle when he illustrated the power of parental modeling by picking up one of the plastic make-up containers, unscrewing the top and rubbing it under his arms like deodorant. 

Toddlers invent silly games. 

One of our running jokes and favorite games in this particular class is getting “stuck” (see A Lesson From Babies…It’s Okay To Struggle). The toddlers are now adept at getting stuck and then unstuck from between the bars of the climbing structure. At least once during each class one of the children will get into “position”, look towards me and announce, “Stuck.” “Oh, you’re stuck,” I reply, and with self-satisfaction the child becomes unstuck again. 

There are other old standbys, like peeking at me or the parents through the crack of the propped open French doors. Now when they do it they say, “Hi, Janet” and I say hi back. This can go on for a bit…but never gets stale. 

In a recent class Flora started a new game. She brought one of the stacking cups towards me and said, “Drink water”. (At snack time the toddlers pour and drink water in glasses.) “You want to drink water from that red cup?” I asked. She smiled, handed me the cup and went to get another and said, “Drink…cup”, then handed it to me again. This time I took a pretend sip. Soon Gracie joined in and they were “drinking” out of each of the cups, and they then started falling to the floor after each sip in exuberant laughter as if it had been spiked with goofy juice.  This is the way I’ve learned to love playing “with” babies. 

Who knows better than baby? 

Meanwhile, Sam demonstrated learning through repetition as he spent several minutes stepping up and down the three-step climber. When we stay out of the way infants and toddlers show us what they are working on, what they are ready to work on in their chosen way. As Magda Gerber liked to say, “Readiness is when they do it.” 

Could we ever design such a perfect curriculum? 

No. 

Trust, acceptance and appreciation breeds self-confidence.  

I often imagine how it feels to be these toddlers, enjoyed by their parents for playing the way they wish with no agendas or expectations. The self-confidence this instills is profound. 

Here are a few more things children learn when they are allowed to self-direct play. (Many thanks to my associate Jill Flyer for compiling these with me): 

To make choices

To strategize

How things move

To formulate and execute a plan

Creative problem-solving

The properties of objects and materials

To tolerate frustration

How to work out conflicts with objects and other children

To take initiative

Concentration and follow-through

Meeting challenges with spontaneous and fresh responses

Abstract thinking and hypothetical reasoning

Self-motivation and inner-directedness

Cause and effect

Consequences

Satisfaction in one’s efforts

Perseverence

To process feelings

To be with oneself

To trust one’s judgment

To be self-rewarded

Focus

Autonomy

A love of learning

To follow one’s instincts

To be curious, to dream, to imagine

To understand the world.