We are uniting parents, caregivers, and educators in an all-day event supporting healthy attachment.

The conference entitled, “RIE and Attachment Theory: Why Earliest Relationships Matter,” will take place at the Skirball Cultural Center in Los Angeles, Sunday, June 6, 2010 from 8:45 a.m. until 4:30 p.m.

This event is open to all those involved in early childhood, both parents and professionals, who will gain insight and knowledge about how to foster healthy attachment between baby and caregiver.

RIE is a non-profit educational organization dedicated to infants and their caregivers founded in 1978 by renowned infant specialist Magda Gerber.

The conference will kick off with a keynote address, “Becoming Attached” by Sir Richard Bowlby, son of John Bowlby, the pioneer researcher on the impact of early attachment relationships between parents and their young children.  

According to Sir Richard Bowlby, “It is the quality of the earliest attachment relationships formed between parents and their babies that tend to predispose the behavior of the developing child and emerging adult. There is now overwhelming long-term scientific evidence that points to the first two years of a person’s life as the critical period for their personality traits to become established. These patterns of behavior are wired in the infant’s developing brain, and when they later become parents they will frequently find themselves repeating the experiences of their own childhood with their child.” 

Bowlby is presently promoting a greater understanding of Attachment Theory and the psychological effect of non-parental daycare on infants and toddlers to healthcare practitioners and interested lay-people. 

“In this day, when so many babies are cared for by non-parental caregivers, it is vitally important to understand the benefits of healthy attachment and how simple practices can bolster a child’s confidence,” said Tim Craig, founder of Children’s Circle Nursery School, and a co-sponsor of the event with his wife, Martha Craig. “Attachment Theory dovetails beautifully with the RIE philosophy and Magda Gerber’s legacy.  We hope that this event will serve to raise the profile of RIE’s Educaring Approach as well as the crucial role attachment plays in parenting and caregiving.” 

The 2010 RIE Conference will also feature a panel of speakers including Polly Elam, Nina Hachigian, Ruth Anne Hammond, Dr. Johanna Herwitz, and Dr. Antonio Rangel.

A RIE Associate and Infant Specialist, Polly Elam has more than 35 years of experience as a Regional Administrator of child care centers and is a contributing writer to Authentic Relationships in Group Care for Infants and Toddlers: Resources for Infant Educarers Principles into Practice.

Nina Hachigian is a Senior Fellow at the Center for American Progress and author of a foreign policy blog on the PBS World Focus website. She attended RIE Parent-Infant classes with her two young children.

As a specialist in infant/toddler development and caregiving, Ruth Anne Hammond is the author of Respecting Babies: A New Look at Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach.

Dr. Johanna Herwitz is a clinical psychologist and RIE-trained specialist in parent-infant relationships and infant development as well as the author of Parenting Against the Odds.

Dr. Antonio Rangel is an Associate Professor of Neuroeconomics at the California Institute of Technology, whose research group studies the computational and neurobiological basis of simple and complex forms of decision-making. He completed the RIE Parent-Infant program in 2008. 

Advance registration conference fees range from $99 to $149, including a delicious lunch. The conference provides parents, caregivers and educators of all experience levels an ability to “see” and understand infants like never before. For more information about the RIE Conference and to register, please go to www.rie.org/conference

Please join us at this exciting event!

Yes, I realize parents wonder, worry and feel impatient about successful toilet training, even though it is something every healthy normal child eventually achieves. But we create resistance, distrust, even shame when we coax a child to the potty one moment before he’s ready.   

One problem is the word ‘training,’ which gives parents the impression that they must be proactive in a process that is best advised to happen naturally. When children are ready, they train themselves. If we are patient and create the atmosphere of acceptance our child needs to initiate his transition from diapers to toilet, he will master the skill easily, and gain the feeling of autonomy he deserves. 

Readiness is the key. Children must be ready physically (have bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control), cognitively (be fully aware of what they are supposed to do), and they must be ready emotionally to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it.) 

Parents lay the groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, they make diaper changes an enjoyable, cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him through each part of the process. 

When the child begins to show signs of toilet readiness (he lets you know he has urinated, wants the wet diaper removed immediately, and then begins to tell you before he urinates), it might be time to have a small potty on hand.  Then, every person who cares for the child must be on board to refrain from asking the child to use the potty, or nudging in any way. Some children are extremely sensitive to being pushed in this area, and reactions can be as extreme as holding feces in for days, or having to put a diaper on and hide to be able to have bowel movement for years after having been supposedly ‘trained’. 

I have seen cases where children began a pattern of resistance when the parent coaxed them to use the potty, and the relationship of resistance continued in other areas into adulthood. Parents must tread carefully when dealing with toilet issues. 

We must be patient and allow the child to tell us every time he wants to go to the toilet on his own. The process of self-training can take weeks, even months. Disruptions in the child’s life (a new sibling, traveling) can cause him to regress, even after we thought him fully trained. Parents should “go with the flow” (so to speak) and keep diapers or pull-ups available well after training seems finished. 

Trusting our child pays off for everyone. The child takes pride in his newfound autonomy, and his self-confidence grows. By being trusted to ‘let go’ when he is ready, he can ‘hold on’ to intrinsic motivation.  After all, if we have to control our bodily functions to please our parents, what can we ever own?

This made me think — what do children really need to succeed in Kindergarten?  Yes, there are some simple skills that can give a child a leg-up. But parents are inclined to make the mistake of sacrificing the long view of a child’s needs for the peace of mind they get when the child has mastered letters, numbers and scissors.  

A successful school experience (or, for that matter, a successful life) is not the result of skills taught in preschool.  It is sown from the seeds of a parent’s trust. When an infant, toddler or preschooler is ‘taught’ something he may not be ready to learn, he does not feel that trust. 

My husband and I are planning an East Coast college tour for our eldest daughter, a high school junior. This is the girl whose babyhood brought me to my knees, to RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes, and finally to my life-changing mentorship with Magda Gerber.  This child was my “guinea pig” for the approach to child-rearing that I not only parent with, but also teach, write about, live and breathe. 

In spite of my daughter’s accepting, laid-back parents, she is shooting for the moon in her college search.  She is self-confident, ambitious and deeply in tune with herself. The conviction she has in her choices, her effortless poise, and her no-nonsense maturity have a way of erasing any doubt in her capabilities. While I am often riddled with self-doubt, I have never doubted her. 

What children need to succeed is our undying trust in them.  Feeling trusted by parents, who are godlike beings to an infant and toddler (alas, much more mortal in the eyes of a teenager!), gives the child trust in his instincts and belief in himself. 

Trusting a child means having faith in his capabilities from the very beginning, and wholeheartedly accepting our child for all he is…and isn’t. And that means allowing our baby to show us what he is learning, rather than the other way around.  He doesn’t have to perform to grab our attention or approval. What he chooses to do while he plays is enough. (see this video on self-directed play.) 

When we teach or stimulate our baby, he receives the message that his interests, the things he chooses to work on, are unimportant. His parents want him to do something else. He loses self-trust.  Infant expert Magda Gerber went so far as to say, “How do adults dare to believe they know what an infant is ready to learn at any particular moment?” 

Implicit trust means letting go of our lifelong desire – projected onto our child — to be a tennis ace, a violin virtuoso, or a valedictorian. It means allowing our child to fail, to struggle and flounder, to be (gasp!) average. 

It means allowing our child to be a ‘quitter’ when he loses interest in the soccer team, in completing a puzzle, or in learning to tie his shoes. It is valid to quit something when one feels finished with it, and a trusted child knows when he is done, or when he needs a break. 

Trusting in a child’s capabilities also means not encouraging him to quit by needlessly helping him.  If a child is working on something, we must wait and respect his process. For instance, we should not take him down from the play structure he climbed on his own, but instead give him the opportunity for a successful descent by spotting him, calmly supporting him, allowing him to struggle. Children can be easily tricked into believing they are incapable by a caregiver’s well-intentioned help.  Parents can solve a child’s problems in a jiffy, but doing so robs the child of a profitable learning experience.

Children build true self-confidence – not by being showered with praise, but when they have opportunities to solve their own problems and overcome the frustration that often precedes eventual success. 

A secure and trusted child is any teacher’s dream. He has the self-confidence to raise his hand and say, “I don’t understand.” He doesn’t crumble when he makes mistakes. He is persistent in his struggle to grasp something challenging. He is his own person – an enthusiastic learner with a unique point of view that he is eager to share. Because he is secure, and likes who he is, he is kind to others. He is never afraid to be himself, a ‘self’ that has been honored and encouraged since he was born. And eventually, he’ll learn to use scissors like the best of them.

Play time for a young infant may look pretty boring to an untrained adult eye. We feel compelled to entertain a baby (as I did), or believe that she needs to be kept stimulated by continually moving with us through our daily affairs, tied to our body in a carrier or strapped in an infant seat.  Truthfully, we waste our energy ‘occupying’ a baby’s time and undermine her natural desire to absorb the world on her terms. 

What babies truly need (and pays enormous developmental benefits, as you’ll see in the video) is the time and the freedom to just “be.”  

We forget as adults that every mundane detail of the world is new and stimulating to an infant — every shape, contrast, sound, even the slightest movement is fascinating. Life is a playground.  So, infants are ‘playing’ when they look around, listen, feel and smell the air, when they have the freedom to reach, grasp, twist their bodies, and think…think…think. (Wouldn’t you just love to know what babies are thinking?) 

I first noticed one of my babies ‘playing’ on the changing table when he was nine days old.  As we were finishing his diaper change I saw him gazing at a shadow on the wall, completely absorbed.  I took a deep breath, stopped myself from interrupting…and just waited. When he finally looked up at me two or three minutes later, I asked, “Do you want me to pick you up?” And when his eyes seemed to say “Yes,” I did. 

Respecting these important personal moments when our infant is engaged in thought – and not interrupting – will encourage longer periods of play that can extend to hours as a baby grows, through toddlerhood and beyond. 

A baby is most engaged and learns best when trusted with his own agenda rather than responding to ours. When babies are “writer, director and lead actor” of their playtime, as infant expert Magda Gerber recommended, they develop strong cognitive learning skills and nurture their natural abilities to explore, imagine, and create. 

Our role in our baby’s play is to design a safe space with a few simple toys and objects. The sensory delight of the outdoors is always preferable when possible.  We must make sure the baby can move freely, first by lying on her back. Then we let go of all expectations (an interesting challenge), and allow our baby to do what she wishes.   

Simple objects that a child can use creatively in multiple ways are best, like balls of all sizes, cotton napkins, large plastic chains or rings, stacking cups, simple baby dolls, etc.  As the infant becomes a toddler, puzzles, board books, climbing structures, more complex equipment can be added, always keeping in mind that we want to encourage active learning, child-directed problem solving, and creative experimentation rather than “doing it right.” 

Since a picture is worth a thousand words (and I’m already up to six hundred), on with the video!   

The first section is a four and a half month old boy playing outside. We then see the same boy at two years old focusing on a puzzle.  This boy spent his early years in free exploration between naps, feedings and diaper changes.  He was never directed, taught, or otherwise shown ‘how’ he should play. He was only interrupted when absolutely necessary. 

 At eight years old, he continues to be a joyful, independent learner.

Here’s another post about toddlers and play: A Jar Not Opened. You might like this post on the site Free Range Kids, and my posts, The Myth of Baby Boredom and Becoming Unglued- Giving Your Child the ‘Alone Time’ Both of You Need.

The next RIE Orientation will be held Thursday, March 4, 2010, 7:00 to 8:30 PM at the RIE Center, 6720 Melrose Avenue, Suite 1, Los Angeles 90038.  

Please call (323) 663-5330 to reserve. The cost is $10 per person, $15 per couple.   

Based on respect, the RIE Approach helps raise authentic infants who are competent, confident, curious, attentive, exploring, cooperative, secure, peaceful, focused, self-initiating, resourceful, involved, inner-directed, aware, and interested.

For more information, please check out www.rie.org.

Mike is responding to a question from Andrea in my Comments section regarding the post Don’t Stand Me Up!, where I encourage allowing children to develop gross motor skills naturally, independent of adult manipulation.

Andrea wrote: 

“Yes! This is exactly what I have always known in my heart. Leave the childen alone to figure it out for themselves. The animal kingdom has many lessons for us, but we ignore them.  

Question? How do I deal with my husband? He’s a very normal male type and wants to raise our 2 year old in a ‘manly’ way. It’s all about his physical development, and my husband thinks he can advance our son’s coordination by teaching him to walk — like that is possible. It is very frustrating, and I don’t want to argue, if you know what I mean. It makes him happy. What do you think?” – Andrea

Mike’s Response:

Andrea – I hope you won’t feel slighted hearing from a student rather than the teacher, but you can be sure that anything I write has been carefully vetted by Janet. Very. Carefully.   

A couple of caveats: 1) All I know about parenting I learned through clumsy experience or from Janet through osmosis. So, I am no expert in the art of fathering; 2) I would never presume to negotiate another couple’s parenting differences.

That said, I can speak honestly about my own learning curve as a typical, caring father who wants his kids to reach their full potential – intellectually, spiritually, and physically. Surely, this is basic instinct.

When we become dads for the first time, we are overwhelmed by the gift of parenthood, hyper aware of the responsibilities and the possibilities. As men, it’s difficult for us to just sit back and enjoy the miracle, because we are hard-wired to tinker – to reshape, re-jigger, improve and (above all) fix. Clearly, the baby has very little use for us. It’s all about mom. But we are driven to do something with this new project.  It’s as if we confuse our babies with a kitchen remodel.  

Like new mothers, most dads begin the parenting journey dazed and clueless. We have just produced (with an assist from the wife) the most perfect, pure, dynamically complicated creation imaginable. We’re in love and excited and terrified all at the same time, and there is no way we’re going to blow this gig. So, we want to roll up our sleeves and get busy. Though our child is perfect in every way, we can’t help ourselves – we are going to make that baby better.

These instincts compelled me to ‘help’ as my first child explored her physical potential. Nothing wrong with helping, of course, but I think where I (and other fathers) get into trouble is when helping becomes pushing, when we perceive physical development as life’s first competition. Our Pediatricians point to statistical charts — what’s above and below average for various developmental stages — and we consciously or unconsciously compare our kids to their peers.

My kid, average? Surely, she’ll be happier in life excelling. I know I’ll be happier. 

I’m proud of my kids. They are a reflection of me — everything that I am, and certainly everything I aspire to be. Naturally, it’s personally gratifying if they demonstrate advanced physical abilities.  As a new father, I assumed I could (and should) assist my girl in this area.  I imagined that I could accelerate her development, as if I could ‘teach’ her balance and coordination, to roll over, to walk and eventually run (really fast). While my intentions for her may have been good, I understand now that my motives were misguided. I wanted her to excel, to perform beyond age-appropriate measures (to impress her doctor, maybe?), and to give her a better shot at the 2010 World Cup team.

I’ve read about elite athletes like Tiger Woods and Andre Agassi receiving hand/eye training from their fathers in the crib (!). Like science projects. I’ve also read that Tiger and Andre never felt that they had lived up to their fathers’ expectations. I’m thinking that if Tiger had been allowed to mature naturally — maybe play basketball, ping pong, skateboard — and he wasn’t introduced to a golf ball until he was 16, he would still be Tiger Woods. Same power, same concentration, same ability, same package. Maybe he’d even have avoided his current personal crisis (I know, off topic — but integrity is something we can teach our kids very early on by modeling).

What I know today through experience (and the gift of Janet’s modeling) is that every infant progresses physically in his own way, and in his own time. This is Nature’s expertise, not mine. Obviously, a child who is developmentally disabled presents an exception. But by tinkering with any stage of our kids’ natural development, we risk undermining the next. For most infants and toddlers, tricks like rolling over, crawling and eventually walking do not need to be taught. Sorry, dads, but our babies really don’t need us in that way, and we need to stifle our impulse to facilitate. Turns out our kids are quite capable in this area without us, and our interference can actually put our child at physical risk (more on that cryptic note here).

The good news is that there will be glorious years ahead when our time spent as a mentor, role model, coach and friend will be invaluable, indelible, precious and very much appreciated.

That’s all I know.

Editor’s Note: I know Mike would LOVE to hear your comments.

I commented on an article on ‘baby sleep tips’, much of which was valid and I could support. But the recommended “No Cry” book series and the responses to parent questions about children crying at bedtime gave me the impression that the goal of Attachment Parenting is a quiet baby at all costs – that a quieted child is a securely attached child.  I disagree, and thought this spirited exchange was worth sharing.

Me:

Although I appreciate much of this advice, parents should never feel they are failing because a baby cries. When a baby’s needs for sustenance have been met, she should be allowed to cry in our comforting presence. Allowing a child to cry is loving, not ignoring. Although crying for extended periods of time can create stress in a baby, most crying relieves stress. Babies will never (and should never have to) be “No Cry.” If an adult friend cries we provide loving support and comfort, but don’t attempt to ‘fix’ them with food, a nipple in the mouth, rocking or “shushing.” Sometimes we all need to cry, and we need the expression and release of our feelings to be allowed and accepted.

I wholeheartedly agree that babies need lots of exercise and fresh air for good health and better sleep. But when a baby is kept in a carrier or stroller, the baby gets the air and the parent gets all the exercise. I encourage parents to allow a baby lots of time for unrestricted movement in a playpen or other safe area outside with a few simple toys. Babies are kept occupied for long periods of time this way, involved in self-initiated play. Parents can watch, and enjoy, trusting the baby to daydream, move and play as he wishes. It’s a healthy, blissful way to spend the day for everyone!

Annie:

I agree that crying in arms is the appropriate response when a child just needs to express emotions. It can be a great way to teach them how to voice their emotions and to express their feelings.

That said, I also believe in meeting a baby’s physical and emotional needs. That means that if my baby needs something, I do not think it is an appropriate response to withhold that and hold her while she cries instead. For example, a lot of parents will say “I just fed her she can’t possibly need to nurse again”. However, nursing is not just about feeding. Nursing is about comfort and it is a lot of babies’ preferred source of comfort. To draw a parallel, if you are upset and just want your husband to hold you, but he instead decides to just pat you on the head while you cry because “he just gave you a hug, so you can’t possibly need another one”, he wouldn’t really be responding to your needs and you would reasonably get frustrated and annoyed at being patted on the head.

I agree wholeheartedly on your points around exercise.

Me:

I still believe we give parents (and babies) the wrong message when we suggest ‘nursing away’ tears. Many parents cannot nurse a baby for various reasons (like adoption). Are you suggesting they use a bottle or a pacifier every time a baby cries?

A nipple usually stops the tears instantly, because it goes in the mouth. If parents are encouraged to nurse for the purpose of arresting cries, why would they ever NOT do that, and allow a child’s feelings? Are you suggesting they only allow a child to cry as a last resort?

Should babies learn that when they are upset they need to eat or drink to feel better? Ask the overeaters or alcoholics you know about eating and drinking for comfort!

I occasionally have toddlers in my parenting classes who run to their parents every time they have the slightest disappointment and ask to be nursed, and I work with those parents to send a healthier message to the child. The child does not feel capable of handling situations that others her age can, because the parent has taught her to seek a nipple every time she is upset. We must give children the message THAT WE BELIEVE they are capable of coping with feelings, with our calm support. Quieting them on the breast is much easier for us than hearing their feelings. Sometimes, truly loving a child means allowing her to cry, supporting her when it is excruciatingly hard for us.

Annie:

1) Babies that are not nursed have other preferred ways to be comforted. But generally babies that do nurse prefer comfort at the breast.

2) Nursing is not always “eating”.

3) Do you also have toddlers in your parenting classes who run to their parents every time they have the slightest disappointment and ask to be comforted in some other way? What makes that other way better/worse than nursing? I agree that all parents need to teach their children to handle situations in an age appropriate way, but I don’t think that means saying no to nursing or other methods of comfort necessarily. You can comfort your child and then talk about what they could do next time to handle the situation. You can offer suggestions before offering to nurse and see if they are okay with that.

Me:

3) No. Children who are not trained to nurse whenever they are upset express their feelings openly, either in the parent’s arms or not, as they choose, and then move on, eager to engage in play again. But the toddlers who nurse on demand seem to be distracted by a need to test those boundaries with the mother. They play for shorter periods of time; have shorter attention spans, and have not developed coping skills. That is what I have observed in the 15 years that I have taught parent/infant and toddler classes.

Annie:

Interesting Janet.

My experience (supported by the research that I’ve read) has been that children who are not given the opportunity to develop a secure attachment to their parents tend to be more insecure and clingy by about preschool age. Nursing an infant on demand, with reasonable limits given as the child grows, helps to foster a secure attachment (as does responding to the child at night instead of doing cry it out), which helps them to build their confidence and become more independent as they are ready (as opposed to being pushed into false independence and experiencing severe insecurity as a result).

Me:

You are correct that secure attachment is vital for a baby! Secure attachment is fostered by a sensitive response to a baby’s physical and emotional needs, and is (thankfully) very possible for babies who are not breast fed, as well as those who are. Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to nourish for those lucky enough to be able to do so, but becomes problematic when used as a quick fix, and a feeling stuffer. A baby needs emotions to be allowed and accepted, not a breast in the mouth as soon as she cries, to make her “be quiet.” Obviously, the parent does not mean to send that message, but that is the one the child receives.

Parents should not feel pressured to go to any length to stop a baby’s cries. Crying is not to be feared; it is a healthy release. I don’t understand the expression “cry it out.” What are babies “crying out”? I do know that babies need to cry sometimes, as we all do. And they need support for crying, not parents rushing to plug their mouths.

Sir Richard Bowlby, son of John Bowlby who originated Attachment Theory, will be the keynote speaker at the 2010 RIE Conference (Resources for Infant Educarers, a non-profit organization) in June, at the Skirball Center in Los Angeles. I recommend this conference for anyone who would like to learn more about “secure attachment” and the research behind it, from the source of the theory. This is the theory Attachment Parenting borrows its name from, but one has little to do with the other.

(End of discussion) 

Annie’s website is phdinparenting.com. Please visit. And, as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.  For more about infants and secure attachment, I highly recommend the new book Theories of Attachment: An Introduction to to Bowlby, Ainsworth, Gerber, Brazelton, Kennell, and Klaus, by Carol Garhart Mooney.  There is a chapter devoted to each of six major theorists, including Magda Gerber, founder of RIE.  Interestingly, there is no mention of William Sears or Attachment Parenting.

For more posts on this site about healthy emotional development, please read Good Grief, Giving Your Children the Brush-Off, and Babies Crying – A Parent’s Bad Day Survival Secret.

For whatever reason, it has always been more heartbreaking for me to imagine a sad little boy than it is a girl. My daughters feel the same way.  They can’t stand to hear “daddy’s sad stories” about his childhood. He doesn’t mean them to be sad.  They are just stories he tells because he thinks they are either good lessons or simply amusing (like when he bought candy and offered some to a friend, and the friend pointed out that the candy was Tums.) But to my girls these anecdotes are unbearable. It pains them to imagine their dad experiencing the slightest shame or embarrassment. On the other hand, they can usually have a good laugh at mine. 

When I was a kid, my sister and I used to agonize about a man we would often pass while driving with our mom. He always stood outside his shoe store, behind his rack of men’s shoes displayed along the sidewalk. We were certain that he was despondent, dejected, desperately waiting for customers. We would plead with mom to stop and buy shoes from him, and she could never convince us that he might just be enjoying the outdoor air. We knew we were a little irrational, but we couldn’t control the horrible, tragic feeling we got every time we saw him. 

I don’t believe we would have worried like that about a woman. “Women” were our mom, and mom wore her emotions on her sleeve, her vulnerability out in the open for all to see.  She cried often, even at phone company commercials. We saw that she had lots of painful feelings, and she survived them all.  We sensed her strength. But boys and men seemed to be the opposite – they made every effort not to cry. I imagined them strong on the outside, but achingly sad within.  They were brave soldiers, hiding their pain. 

The other day I was entering Starbuck’s and noticed a homeless man sitting outside. I rarely give handouts to the homeless, and I’m not proud of the fact that I’m often scared of them, especially when my kids are with me. But for some reason I decided to ask if he wanted a coffee, and he said, ”Smam.” I realized after my second try he was saying, “Yes, Ma’am.” I brought him coffee and a yogurt parfait. He thanked me and continued smoking.  

As I got in the car, I felt crushed. I thought of the little boy inside that man and wondered – did his mom take care of him? Did she love him? What unimaginable pain was he holding inside? 

When I got home, my husband held me, and we talked about the way we go through life with blinders on, defending our sensitivity to the sorrows of everyone around us. 

Later that night my eight year old son had a hard time falling asleep. He was too wound up from school, homework and not enough release for his physical energy.  This is a boy who awakens every morning like a shot from a cannon and spends the majority of the day singing, dancing, and exuding pure joy.  His exuberance can be unnerving before the caffeine kicks in, but he’s a godsend as balance to the three moody females in the house (four, if you count our whiney dog). 

Finally, after getting out of his bed and sneaking in to my room several times while I was working, I offered to do what he wanted, to “sleep with him” as I did almost every night until he was seven, to lie in his bed with him until he (or both of us) fell asleep. 

As we lay together I thought of the Valentines I want to give to boys I know — the first, to my brave and boyishly handsome husband, who fills me with hope each day. Second, to my dear friend Doug, who inspires me every moment. I pray for him. And the last, to the little man who still likes to fall asleep with his palm over my heart.

The truth is, within every parent is a fearful hoverer. Some of us are just better at keeping it in check. And all the media humiliation in the world is not going to arrest the desire we all have to give our children every advantage in life and to protect them from struggle, frustration and failure. 

Intellectually, we know our children must eventually learn to cope with life’s obstacles and disappointments. But we cannot simply withdraw our overabundance of loving concern; we need inspiration to re-channel it.  We need to get excited about giving our children the advantage they really need, the priceless gift that is the other side of the hovering coin: the joy of “I did it!” 

“I did it, all by myself” is the glorious feeling of accomplishment children crave from the moment they are born. Even babies want to be doers, and they can be! They can feel this success when they finally roll from their backs to their tummies after several days of twisting and straining, or when they are allowed to squirm across the floor to reach a toy rather than having it handed to them. They feel it when, after a struggle, they manage to get their own socks off, or when they finally stand after falling again and again. 

Every time a child has an opportunity to own “I did it,” self-confidence grows. And a child’s capabilities build upon each other. The more he is trusted to accomplish for himself, the more emboldened he is to take on another challenge. 

When parents learn to treasure a child’s independent accomplishments, they can become passionate about backing off rather than hovering.  They understand that a child’s unsolved problems and unfinished projects, frustrations and failure are important to the learning process. Children are born ready and willing to persevere and don’t see struggles as negative unless parents teach them otherwise. 

But when we push, teach, show, or fix, we interfere with a child’s chance to achieve. The second it takes us to solve a child’s problem or arrest his struggle destroys another “I did it” possibility. Our challenge is to find the patience to wait and see if the child can do it himself first. If the child becomes too frustrated, we do the smallest thing possible to help.  Sometimes that means talking him through a solution, or moving a stuck object slightly so that a baby can then free it, or guiding an older child to brainstorm for essay ideas rather than giving him one. Often children just need us to be open to their capabilities and give them a little more time. 

Matthew is a quiet, reserved, two year old who has been in my parent/toddler class for over a year. He stays close to his dad most of the time, playing quietly and observing. Last week the children were at the snack table, each choosing a bib for me to fasten around their neck.  When Matthew chose, he tentatively pulled it around to the back of his neck himself. I stopped myself from helping him. “Are you trying to put that on?” I asked. A moment later he succeeded, and I acknowledged with a smile. ”You did it by yourself.”  “Mommy, Matthew put the bib on by himself!” exclaimed Emerson, an exuberant boy with amazing language skills. Matthew and I locked eyes, and I will never forget the radiance I saw in him. 

These brief moments of accomplishment are a child’s foundation for self-confidence, a love of learning, tenacity, imagination, independence, and a strong mind.  All bode well for successes in life – and are everything the hovering parent in each of us could hope for. 

When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget

I was reminded of this theory in my parenting classes yesterday.  Two moms in separate classes were dealing with different parenting challenges. Both of them were stretching to interact with their children in a way that did not come easily. 

One of these moms, Jenny, admits that it is hard for her to project the authority that her son Dylan needs.  She struggles to give him firm boundaries and speak to him with a definitive tone in her voice. It would be simpler, of course, if toddlers said to parents, “Please tell me “No!” or “Stop me!” or “Let me know you’re in charge!” Instead, they ask for limits by testing us or acting out, and then cry when limits are set.  They need to know that even though they cry, parents will hold the line and not cave. A parent who is not inclined to be assertive, or worries about being too strict, has obstacles to overcome. 

Dylan is Jenny’s lovable obstacle incarnate. He is a jolly boy with a mischievous sense of humor, kind to other children when he is not distracted by his voracious need to test.  Jenny understands that being a loving mom means also being an authority figure, but because she is not the assertive type, putting that into action is intensely challenging. I know from experience that overcoming this hurdle will bring Jenny personal satisfaction and a boost in self-confidence. At the end of class Jenny and I reflected on the irony of this mother/ son match, and the positive changes Dylan is forcing her to make. 

Rebecca is a smart, together mom who adores her 15 month old son Nicholas.  Nicholas is having a difficult time adjusting to my class.  Although he is amazingly focused and detail oriented when he plays — loves to spin large plastic beads and other objects as if they were tops — he cries every time he enters the classroom and then periodically throughout the 90 minutes.  Rebecca was nervous when she first came to the class and now believes her son reacted to her tension. Nicholas is a sensitive boy, and even though Rebecca is working on relaxing in class, she still has trepidation, and he picks up on it. If mom’s nervous, there is something to worry about. 

I talked to Rebecca about letting go of all expectations.  Rather than prepping Nicholas for class, trying to make it work, I encouraged her to slow down, relax, and tell herself that if he cried in her arms throughout the entire class, it would be okay with her.  Rebecca admitted with a smile that she is a ‘doer’ and a ‘fixer’, and ‘letting go’ did not come easily. And, once again, the subject of ‘being given the child we need’ was discussed. 

I am more a Jenny than a Rebecca. I had to dig deep to provide the authority my first daughter needed.  It was a struggle not to give in to her tears and her assertive, persuasive, commanding presence. And this is at 20 months old! At seventeen, she still has a way of making me feel I’ve let her down when she asks for the moon so convincingly and I only have stars.  But I have never for one moment been ungrateful for her decision to be my baby. She is my pride and joy.  She made me grow so much. 

When my daughter was 3, my husband and I talked about having another child.  “You want another baby?  But that was so hard for you!” he said. After a pause I answered, “I know. But just because something is hard doesn’t mean you don’t want to do it again.”  I was open to another hard lesson, if I was lucky enough to be chosen. 

Please share your stories!