“There are three kinds of people who look at you this way…lovers, the insane, and babies.”

– Magda Gerber commenting on an infant’s gaze.

When it comes to our relationships with our children, it’s the quality of the connection we have that truly matters. Whether we’re responding to our baby’s cries, setting limits for our toddler, deciding whether we should trust or direct our child’s development, it is the strength of our bond that informs our choices and our child’s response.

Our relationship guides everything we do.  Parenting will either be a puzzling, baffling struggle or logical, organic and (often) effortless.  It’s all about understanding how to connect.

If I had known years ago that I could connect with even the youngest infants just by being myself, I’d have been a “baby person” back then. I wasn’t. In fact, I’m often amazed and amused that my life and work is now all about babies.  Me? I can think of plenty of baby-adoring people I’ve met over the years that I would expect this from, but certainly not me.

For most of my life I was not particularly drawn to babies, and the feeling seemed mutual.  I wasn’t the one toddlers toddled over to,  and although I thought young children were cute and precious, garnering their attention and keeping them entertained seemed like a lot of work.

All of that changed when, through Magda Gerber, I learned that I didn’t need games and baby talk — I could connect with babies as my authentic self. In fact, this is what babies really want and need. And when we do this, we forever see babies in a remarkably different light.  As Magda said, we see them “with new eyes.”

When we show babies that we are receptive to connecting with them in a real way, they will open their souls to us… and pour them into ours.  The secret is simple:

Quietly behold the person.

Since I started doing this, I’ve had unforgettable encounters with babies, toddlers and children of all ages, both mine and those of others. Babies lock eyes with me across restaurants, in airplanes, while passing by in their carriers and strollers.  Really. This is not my imagination or wishful thinking. In fact, it’s more akin to magical thinking.  For a brief moment we see and understand each other at a very deep level. There is recognition and acknowledgement.

When you connect with babies in this real and respectful way you know without a smidgen of doubt that babies are all there, whole people, just waiting to be acknowledged as such.  Babies appreciate you and even seek you out. The joy begins.

One of the moms in my new infant class shared with me that she had been struggling to understand her 4 month old son’s needs.  She decided to try something that had been said the previous week at the RIE Class Orientation: “Just talk to him. Ask him what he needs. Engage him as a person.”

She described this as a “light bulb” that changed everything. Suddenly her boy is much calmer and more communicative. As she told me the story, her boy looked at me, eyes twinkling, and then I talked to him, too. It’s easy to see what a hugely social guy, what a charmer he is and how wise beyond his years (or months, rather!).

With toddlers especially, it’s best to allow them to initiate the connection by engaging with us first.  They like autonomy. I’ll never forget one of the toddlers in my class peering at me through the crack behind an open door and saying “Hi!” We repeated this back and forth to each other several times, her eyes locked with mine. It was a simple, silly game that became profound.  I felt our souls greeting each other… and I cried (but I don’t think the parents noticed).

The connection I have with this particular toddler includes jokes that one probably wouldn’t expect a 21 month old to understand.  During snack time in class, she coughed after taking a sip of the water I had offered her and I replied, “Spicy water,” which she repeated and seemed to find hilarious. Then when she once tried to sneak her hands into the bucket of bananas herself (a favorite pastime of the children), I said, “Such an eager beaver!”  Since then, her parents hear her repeating these remarks and laughing to herself, and she and I continue to chuckle about them, too…

Once you know how to connect with babies and begin to see through the crystal clear lens of respect, you can never go back.  You’ll find it impossible to punish, abhorrent to manipulate, demeaning to trick or distract, disturbing to stifle babies just because their feelings are so hard to hear.  You’ll be shocked and saddened by the way babies are often objectified, dehumanized, their perspectives disregarded. You can no longer pretend there isn’t a person there who wants to get your jokes and deserves your respect and acknowledgement. And not just when it’s convenient — always.

(Photo by NotTheMagicWord on Flickr)

Then, when it was time to exit down the aisle, a stranger from the bride’s side reached out and touched Nicky’s head as he went.  It broke his concentration on the task at hand, and when he realized he was surrounded by strangers and one had just touched him, he burst into tears.  It was a huge lesson (for quite a few of us) in respecting the personal space of even the smallest of people.  When my husband and I discussed it afterward, it made me think of you.” –Caroline (the mom who shared her story in 7 Parenting Secrets That Change Lives)

Perhaps children should wear warning labels: “I might look cute and what I’m doing might look easy, but chances are, I’m putting 100% of my most serious effort into whatever it is. For this and a load of other reasons, please don’t touch me.”

Why do we think we have the right to touch children? The younger the child, the more welcome we feel to touch and hold him or her without permission. It seems to me that we get this totally backward…shouldn’t it be the other way around?

I’m a touchy, feely, demonstrative person. Perhaps overly so. As I mentioned in Can Babies Love Too Much? – Teaching Children To Give Affection With Respect, I impulsively hug adults I’ve just met. I touch people on the shoulder to emphasize “I like you”, “I care” or “I’m sorry”.

But the younger the person, the less able they are to say “no”, glare at us disapprovingly, or push us away. Young children are especially incapable of indicating more subtle discomfort. “That doesn’t feel good. That tickles. Please don’t, I don’t know you yet. You interrupted me.”

Some believe it’s okay for babies and toddlers to be swooped up, “loved up” (as one parent put it), thrown up in the air, tickled, rough-housed, pushed down slides, etc. Yes, they might seem to enjoy those things. When we’re smiling and laughing, our babies want to mirror this, and they are the very best sports we’ll ever find. They’re all about trust.

But don’t we want to ensure their security, self-confidence, respect for their boundaries and those of others? Every interaction children have teaches them their place in the world, how they should be treated and how they should relate to others. Children wholeheartedly accept the level of respect they are given.

Touch is a fundamental need for babies, but the way we touch matters. Infant expert Magda Gerber has been criticized because of her recommendation to ask babies, or at least warn them, before picking them up, even when they’re crying. She believed infants could and should be given choices and the little bit of time they need to make them. “With infants we have to be even more careful, because they cannot tell us…”  For advising this ultra-sensitivity and respect, Gerber is sometimes misunderstood as being against picking up babies.

It’s vital that we teach our children that they belong to themselves. They must know they have a right to their personal space and boundaries.  This is not a lesson that can wait until age 3 or 4, and it’s a lesson only we can provide, because society is way behind on this one. We may have to resort to the warning labels.

(Photo by Details of the Day on Flickr)

After Mama S. shared this wonderful account of her 14 month old son’s progress playing independently, I was taken aback when she added that her capable baby explorer is “almost blind” and will be having surgery soon. She then asked:

“Do you have any tips on how to talk a child through surgery? I am nervous. I bought a picture book (Curious George Goes to the Hospital) and I tell a story about using the pictures, but altered for his age and condition. We talk about how his eyes are and how they will feel better after his surgery and that he will be able to see much, much better. But I don’t know what else to do. I know that they will have to do things to him and he will fight them tooth and nail because, of course, he is so used to his bodily autonomy being respected and he is so fiercely autonomous. I do not want the surgery and recovery to traumatize him. Can you help me, especially with the language I can use in the hospital when they have to do necessarily difficult things to him?”

I could think of no one better to advise Mama S. than blogger Nadine Hilmar. Not only is Nadine deeply committed to respectful care for babies, she’s been there… Her son had heart surgery when he was only 6 months old.

Thank you, Nadine, for your graceful, thoughtful and tender response…

Dear Mama S,

First of all, I’d like to tell you how wonderful I think it is that you are approaching the surgery with so much care and love. I won’t lie to you – it will be a hard time – but if your son knows that you are there with him – it will be ok.

How do I know? My son (who is now 2) was born with a heart defect and needed open-heart surgery at the age of 6 months. It is fair to say that these were the hardest moments I have been through in my life. But when I look back I am also feeling some warm relief. It had to be done. It saved his life. It glued us together as a family.

Now I don’t know how old your son is, but one thing applies for all ages - be honest. Tell him everything you know. Ask the doctors what exactly they will be doing, how he will get his anesthetics and what will happen afterwards. Talk him through it as much as you can. This will not just help him – it’ll help you as well. Because it will make you find words for the worst that is on your mind. And that’s healing.

If he is old enough to talk and mention his fears – let him talk. We are often scared that we create nightmares in our children’s minds by talking about those things too long in advance. The truth is that it gives them (and us) time to deal with those scary emotions. Acknowledge his fears and respond honestly. Don’t try and shrink them by scaling them down. It’ll come back to you afterwards, because it will be painful to some extent. And you know that now.

Once you are in hospital – be only with him. Make sure you are not alone. Have someone to do the administrative stuff for you. Stay with your son and focus on him. Whatever they are doing to your boy, just focus on him. As much as you can, try to shut the people around out.

They might ask you to hold him and fix his arms or legs when they need to take blood or set the intravenous injection. He will not like that. Neither will you, but it has to be done and here is what you can say to him: “Now this will hurt. But it is important so the doctors can examine your blood (or send you off to sleep so you won’t feel anything during the surgery). You can scream as loud as you want. That’s ok. I’m with you.” If he screams and fights – repeat “You are scared. You can scream. That’s ok. I’m here.”

It might be difficult at first, especially if you have doctors around that aren’t that sensitive or patient. But you will get used to it and this honesty and acknowledgment will have a calming effect on you too.

Don’t look at your son as this poor little person that needs help. Try to look at him as someone who is scared as much as you are and you both have to go through this together.

Whatever they do to him – tell him, before, all the way through, and after. It is all you can do. He needs to know what is going to happen. Then during the examinations you can say “Now this is what I talked to you about earlier…” And afterwards you can tell him “This was really hard for you. You got really angry (scared) and you were right about it.”

There is no magic line that will make him cooperate silently. He just needs to know that his fears and pain are seen, accepted and not denied.

The recovery depends on how intense the surgery is I guess. Our son got some really strong sedatives when they transferred him to ICU and then soon they had to slowly withdraw him from them like a drug addict. This had really nasty side effects such as being very nervous and restless which resulted in sleepless days and nights. He wasn’t allowed much food either, so on top of that he was very hungry. It was quite hard for all of us (especially with impatient nurses around) and here he needed lots of love and care. All I could do was just stroke him and talk to him. I couldn’t even hold him because he was hooked onto monitors, drains and wires.

So do ask the doctors about the exact procedure. It will sound terrifying, but the more you know the better. I even read parents’ reports of their experiences with pictures of their children right after surgery. It was hard to look at those, but then when we went to see our son after his surgery I wasn’t THAT shocked. I knew what to expect and had energy left to be there with him.

Now you said that you don’t want the surgery or recovery to traumatize your son. I guess this is the greatest fear of all. I don’t know if and what exactly the surgery has done to my son yet. But I know for sure that it shook him up massively. We left the hospital a week after surgery, then had to go back again because of some bad fever, and after we left for good I could not leave him anywhere for even a minute. He needed me more than ever. I was not used to this because he wasn’t such a clingy baby and now suddenly he would breastfeed every hour, wake up constantly and cry A LOT.

This lasted for two weeks until we had the final talk with the head of pediatric cardiology about the whole surgery and recovery. I took our son with me and it was as if he had needed to ask all my questions too, as if he needed all those answers to relax and gain trust again. So whatever happens in hospital – make sure you know all about it. Get all the information you need to recover yourself too. If you are uneasy he will not be able to calm and recover in your arms.

Once it’s all over – again: relax. And then keep working on it. Don’t stop right there. To make sure he won’t be traumatized, tell him about the surgery afterwards as well: what happened, how you experienced his emotions, how you felt. Go back to the hospital with him, show him where you were (pediatrics, ICU etc.) and talk through it all again. Not straight away, but over the years. The smell, the noises – all this gets somehow soaked up in our unconscious and might pop up at night when we’re asleep. If you take your son back to the hospital every now and then while he grows up it will help him to place those noises, the smell or the aura that might scare him at night.

I guess he will have regular checks afterwards – they will help bring the topic on the table and talk about it.

Trauma gets worse when emotions and experiences sink into the unconscious, are denied and left alone. Make sure that doesn’t happen. Then he won’t be traumatized.

A friend of mine gave me some great advice as well: Use pen and paper as tools for communication. Draw the hospital. Tell him why you are going there. Give him a pen to so he can react to it (and he might!). See how this goes and you might be able to use it as a tool all the way through.

Books are also great. Maybe you could get a Curious George stuffed toy to take so then he really is in hospital with him. Everything.

And no matter how scary this all sounds right now. You will gain strength. When you think you might fall apart you will suddenly have energy from out of space. Believe me.

I wish you all the best and a fast recovery.

Warm wishes from Vienna,
Nadine

Nadine, thank you again with all my heart.

Mama S, you and your boy will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Nadine Hilmar is a parent educator and family counselor in training. She shares her insights and parenting experiences at A Pikler Experience and also at Mamas in the Making (the blog she shares with friend and fellow Pikler /Gerber enthusiast, Anna Banas´)

(Photo by CeeKay on Flickr)

Children need lots of opportunities to be autonomous and have their choices respected. At the same time, they also need to know they’re not in charge, and we demonstrate that through our confident, decisive, gentle leadership.  It can be tricky figuring out how to balance these seemingly opposing needs.  How do we know when our children should choose and when they need us to?

If our toddlers could let us know when we are giving them too much freedom and causing them to feel uncomfortably powerful, they probably wouldn’t…at least, not verbally.  But these uneasy feelings are usually expressed through our toddlers’ behavior as they become more resistant, whiny, distracted or clingy, or continue to test until we give them the help they need. Meaning, until we make a choice for them.

It might seem ironic (and unfair!) that giving our children freedom to choose can cause them to test our boundaries even more, but there we are.

Is this the thanks we get?

Two year olds aren’t terrible — they’re torn. As much as they appear to want to be in charge, the reality of that power is frightening and can severely undermine their sense of security.

Most of the choices toddlers can’t comfortably make are about transitions.

This makes sense. Toddlers are already in the middle of a massive transition, growing and changing at a dizzying pace. Even the most minor transitions mean giving up the temporary balance they’ve managed to attain and finding their footing in a new situation. And when we give toddlers more than one brief choice during times of transition, we invite them to dig their heels in.

Here’s an example…

Your two year old has been invited to a party and suddenly, mysteriously puts on the brakes as you approach the host’s door. “No want to!” he whines.

You’re thrown, or perhaps you’ve begun to expect this kind of behavior. “Well, what’s the hurry?” you say to yourself. “After all, we’re only here for my boy to have a good time. I don’t want him to be upset.”

So you wait with your child while he wanders around the front yard. You wait, wait and wait some more for your child to tell you he’s ready. You certainly don’t want to enter your friend’s house carrying a screaming child. And this should be his choice, right? But because you are human, you’re losing patience and getting annoyed (which is usually a sign that you need to set a limit). You try coaxing him with delectable descriptions of balloons, games, and yummy cake, all of which you know he adores. Still, he refuses.

Should you…

a. Keep waiting, coaxing and getting more peeved

b. Go back home

c. Let him know it’s time to go in, carry him inside and face his possibly explosive negative reaction.

d. Give him the choice of going in now or in three minutes (or perhaps the choice of walking or being carried) and then follow through with c.

As you might have guessed, I recommend d. Once you’re inside I’d allow the child to choose to stay on your lap for as long as he wishes or participate in the party, and be prepared to possibly repeat d. when it’s time to leave (the joy!).

When we project calm, our children usually release their upset feelings quickly and feel free to move on.

Which reminds me of a parenting rule of thumb: Fear (or even slight reticence) about upsetting, disappointing or angering our children will cloud our vision and negatively affect our judgment.

The parents I know who have the most difficulty taking decisive action (even when they understand intellectually how much their children need it) are gentle, sensitive, and sometimes over-identify with their children’s feelings. (Ahem, do I seem to know this type well?)

Magda Gerber warned, “A parent’s ambivalence, guilt feelings, and areas of confusion in his or her role will be picked up and used amazingly fast by young children. They seem to have a sixth sense for it. Any ambivalence from a parent will produce a nagging response.”

Is this what we want for our children? Absolutely not.  Our kids are going to resist our agendas, explode and meltdown on us regularly. That is the freedom they need most. So, our job is to be a solid leader who can remain calm and empathetic in the face of our child’s storms, and not waver, get angry or pitying, or take his or her feelings personally.

“It’s easier to say, “Yes, okay, have your own way.” But then what has been accomplished?”  - Magda Gerber

Here are some other instances when I believe children need us to gently and firmly overrule their choices and follow through…

Hurting themselves or others is an obvious one. Sometimes we can offer the child the choice to hit or kick something safe, stomp their feet, or do something else to encourage them to safely to get their feelings out. Always acknowledge the feelings, no matter how overly dramatic or inappropriate they might seem.

Repetitively taking toys is usually a sign that the child is asking for help with boundaries and needs to be gently stopped.

Car seats are a common source of struggle for parents. I don’t believe that children feel comfortable choosing when (or if) they should get into the car seat. They can choose to get into the seat themselves or be helped.

Choosing clothing should be the child’s prerogative within reason. But I don’t believe in allowing children to go out in uncomfortable, revealing or otherwise inappropriate clothing.  For me, this is neglect, not respect.

Leaving our child to go wherever we need to go must be non-negotiable. Again, always acknowledge the child’s feelings, assure her you’ll be back and then separate with calm conviction. It is torturous for a child to be in limbo attempting to keep us there longer while we waver.

If our children aren’t getting the clear, consistent boundaries they need in one of these areas, their general sense of comfort and security can be diminished, which often causes them to test boundaries in other areas as well.

Navigating this delicate balance between freedom and boundaries is never easy (especially for those of us who aim to please), but these endless hard choices we make each day with our toddlers are a sure sign of our love. Deep down our children know that…and how much they need it.

(Photo by sillypucci on Flickr)

What does this miraculous striving look like day to day? Presence. Mindfulness. Renouncing multi-tasking in favor of uni-tasking. Being fully engaged with all of you in whatever you’re doing. (RIE parents have an advantage, since RIE practice is essentially mindfulness!)

UCLA psychiatrist and Buddhist meditator Jeffrey Schwartz discovered that mindfulness (the willful mastering of the flow of thoughts and feelings) could successfully treat serious OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and writes in his amazing book “The Mind and the Brain,” “…the exertion of willful effort generates a physical force that has the power to change how the brain works and even its physical structure. The result is neuroplasticity.”

This mental force that can change the brain, can certainly change the download of the mommy mind meld. What we hand down to our children as we parent is not simply a linear, one-for-one duplicate of ourselves, and that is where the stunning possibilities of parenting for peace lie: through refining our own consciousness we throw the door open on our children’s potential.

Where’s Your Head At?

All this fascinating neurobiology of attachment, including the Mommy Mind Meld, is why the “biggest bang” intervention you can make in your parenting skill set (i.e., one thing you can do that yields maximum benefit across multiple dimensions of your and your child’s wellbeing) is to begin cultivating your inner life, and mastery over the flow of your own thoughts. Meditation, yoga, mindfulness, contemplative prayer, journaling — these are all avenues by which to do this.

Engaging in a practice of gratitude is also a big-bang parenting tool, beginning as early as possible. Why? The fields of positive psychology and psychoneuroimmunology (mind-body science) have revealed gratitude as one of the most surefire ways to amp up your physical and emotional wellbeing. And epigenetics (which refers to the potent influence we have on whether certain genes we carry are expressed or not) shows us that we have far more power over our own selves and our own destinies than we ever before imagined. And a good deal of that power comes through the influence of our attitudes, our feelings and our perceptions. Here’s a handy list of seven ways to rewire a negative mindset and move toward more gratitude at any time!

Nature’s Own Head Start Program

The reflection of our own inner lives in our children doesn’t wait till the mommy mind meld in infancy to begin. Pregnancy is Nature’s Head Start Program, when a baby’s organs and tissues, including the lifelong foundations of basic brain infrastructure, develop in direct response to lessons they receive about the world — lessons that come from Mom’s diet, her behavior and her state of mind.

It is Nature’s job to create organisms as well-suited as possible to their environment, so the unceasing question asked by the baby in the womb — which is answered chemically and energetically via the mother’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors (and of course nutrition) — is, What kind of world am I coming into, Mommy, through your eyes?  Chronic, unremitting stress teaches the baby via Mom’s biochemistry that it’s a dangerous world out there, and foundational brain circuitry wires up to thrive in a dangerous world. (So if you had undue stress during pregnancy, and your infant startles easily, seems hyperreactive, cries a lot — or the converse, seems “zoned out” — is hard to soothe and settle, this can help you understand why. This isn’t about blame or guilt, but about the empowerment that comes with understanding. It’s never too late to harness neuroplasticity!)

I’m not suggesting anyone become a blandly response-free Stepford Mom — either before or after birth. Normal, occasional stresses are part of life and part of normal development, but I’m inviting pregnant moms to orient themselves toward a posture of holding a protective, buffering space of appreciation — one of my clients used an image of a crystalline, pink bubble for her baby when she was having a stressful day — so that your baby can flourish as robustly as possible.

And always keep in mind that during pregnancy and beyond, you are your child’s living example: your child’s biological mandate is to shape himself — including the intricate circuitry of his brain — to match the promise of the world you portray.

**

by Marcy Axness, PhD, author of Parenting for Peace: Raising the Next Generation of Peacemakers

(Photo by Jason-Morrison on Flickr)

Please share your comments with Marcy!

This was my introduction to Marcy Axness, Ph.D., a professor of prenatal development, “parents-in-progress” coach and popular international speaker who trains childcare, adoption, education and mental health professionals about the latest findings in the science of human thriving. Marcy is the author of a critically acclaimed new book Parenting For Peace: Raising The Next Generation of Peacemakers. She is guest posting here today and tomorrow and will be available all week to respond to your questions and comments.

First, please enjoy this excerpt from Parenting For Peace…

“When our first child was born, long before I learned most of what I’m writing about here, I was determined to do everything I could to maximize his development. My devotion to Ian’s betterment had begun during pregnancy, when I listened to my favorite classical music, took lots of walks, thought lots of good thoughts. This was a good start, mainly because these were all activities that inspired me.

But once he was here, a certain frenzied insecurity set in about making sure I was doing enough to stimulate his development. I promptly bought a book on baby exercise – yes, baby exercise! I dutifully followed the prescribed twice-a-day regimen of moving his various tiny limbs around and about, folding and stretching his new little body this way and that. It was supposed to get his sensory-motor development off to a head start, which sounded good to me.

As luck and fate would have it, just a couple weeks into our training plan, I attended my first RIE class and what I heard there that very first day carried the blessed ring of truth. Actually, more like the booming clang of truth. And I got it.

I could relax – I didn’t have to improve upon or optimize anything! My child had an innate intelligence that knew exactly how to unfold the unique body that was his. He didn’t need me to pose it, bend it, or prop it into positions that were not yet natural for him.

A basic tenet of the RIE approach is “non-interference in gross motor development” – we allow the innate intelligence of the baby’s developing body to determine when he first rolls over, sits up, stands, walks, and so on. This autonomy of movement fosters important integrative development between various brain areas that end up impacting later capacities for far more than just movement…”

Turbo-Charge Your Infant’s Brain Development With The Mommy Mind-Meld ~ The Power of Parental Example

Imitation is the young child’s primary form of learning, which is why one of my first bits of guidance to parents coming to me for counseling is to cut down by at least 50% the sheer number of words they say to their young child. Children learn from who we are and what we do far more than from what we say. And credible leaders don’t yammer on and on. There is a wonderful balance that can be found along these lines within a RIE context: offering authentic respect and respectfully limited choices while exercising restraint over extraneous chatter, which so often (as it did with me in my early mother days) finds its roots in parental insecurities. Addressing those inner issues is really what this discussion is about!

So let’s get to this exciting topic of…

The Mommy Mind Meld

One of the most powerful ways in which this parent-as-model process shapes your child’s optimal wellbeing is in the realm of actual brain development: the relatively new field of attachment neurobiology has revealed that our babies and children actually piggyback on the self-regulation capacities of the limbic systems in our own brain! When you hold a distressed infant in your arms, the soothing she experiences doesn’t just come from your secure embrace, but also from the actual regulation and modulation of her aroused nervous system that happens when her immature social-emotional brain actually links up with your more mature one!

While the researchers use such terms as “biological synchronicity”^[i] and “limbic resonance,”^[ii] the sci-fi image of “mind-melding” captures it well. Writes one researcher, in evident awe, “It is a biologically based communication system that involves individual organisms directly with one another: the individuals in spontaneous communication constitute literally a biological unit.”^[iii]

But it gets even wilder than that, and has more far-reaching implications for your child’s lifelong wellbeing and success: over the days and months and years of such attuned, connected encounters, the circuitry of your baby’s social brain wires up to emulate yours! Attachment neurobiology pioneer Allan Schore puts it bluntly: “The mother is downloading emotion programs into the infant’s right brain. The child is using the output of the mother’s right hemisphere as a template for the imprinting, the hard wiring, of circuits in his own right hemisphere that will come to mediate his expanding affective capacities, an essential element of his emerging personality.”^[iv]

What that means in plain English is that engaged, attuned, playful interactions with us are a basic and essential form of nourishment for our babies. Bruce Perry points out that developing brains require human interaction as fervently as caloric nutrition for their healthy growth! (For more on this, read the Mommy Mind Meld excerpt from “Parenting for Peace”.)

What is NOT nourishing to the developing brain (this will come as no surprise to RIE-savvy parents) is “electronic engagement” — which is largely an oxymoron, as far as the social brain is concerned. I’m referring to Baby Einstein and other info-tainment, as well as data on the screens of iPhones, iPads, and lapware computers designed for babies. The Baby Einstein juggernaut bears commenting on, just in case you feel like the mom who said, “You want to make sure you’re doing everything you can for your child, and you know everyone else uses Baby Einstein, so you feel guilty if you don’t.” In case you missed it, in 2007 Baby Einstein, along with all other so-called educational screened programming, was found to be associated with delayed language development; television or video watching at this age, said an American Academy of Pediatrics spokesperson, “probably interferes with the crucial wiring being laid down in their brains during early development.”^[v]

The take-away is, our children wire up to be us ourselves, from the very beginning; this foundation then serves as their launching pad, at the most basic level of brain structure, for surpassing us into higher realms of accomplishment, social intelligence, and joyous self-mastery.

The Power of Example (With a Miraculous Twist)

For this and many other reasons related to the potent teaching power of models, a fruitful question to ask yourself, ideally beginning even before you have a child, is “Am I worthy of my child’s unquestioning imitation?” Daunting, yes. But it’s best to realize early on that whether or not you can answer “Yes” to this question, what you see in the mirror is to a great extent what you will see in your child. And, most likely in your child as an adult.

But don’t despair: Nature seems to have built in a special mechanism that allows us to give our children a fighting chance to surpass us. If our children’s potential was constrained by the limitations of our own accomplishment, we’d be doomed! We’d have to wait until our sixties, seventies, eighties — or maybe never — before we’d feel prepared to be parents. Nature has brilliantly built into the system that our children most powerfully respond to our inner life; thus, it is the ideals, aspirations and earnest striving we engage in that greatly shapes them — our upward striving that helps Life, in theologian John Cobb’s words, to “exert its gentle pressure everywhere, encouraging each thing to become more than it is.”^[vi]

Indeed, as I look back into my own history as a new mother, I recognize it quite starkly: if this mommy mind meld deal were merely a copy-and-paste situation, my son and my daughter wouldn’t have had much hope. Motherhood brought me to my knees, and it was many years before I recognized that I had suffered from what I’ve come to call CCPD — Chronic Covert Postpartum Depression. I had grief and rage bubbling up all over. It was really hard for me to be present. RIE classes quite possibly saved me, as well as my children! For one thing, the power of example was at work: my RIE teacher Liz Memel provided me an invaluable model of the simple presence I was struggling to give Ian. And she also gave me the gift of seeing me: just as RIE promotes respect of an infant or a toddler’s true experience, RIE gave me permission to be exactly who I was, complete with my imperfect experience of motherhood.

So here’s the thing I have learned about us as models, including those of us (which is pretty much all of us??) hoping our children don’t emulate us completely. I have learned the power of striving. Through all my struggles with mothering, I never stopped striving — for insight, for healing, for wholeness. And that changed everything, and I believe it is why my son and daughter have both flourished into their early adulthood.

What does this miraculous striving look like day to day? Presence. Mindfulness. Renouncing multi-tasking in favor of uni-tasking. Being fully engaged with all of you in whatever you’re doing. (RIE parents have an advantage, since RIE practice is essentially mindfulness!)

(To be continued)

In other words, uninterrupted time to play their way as infants instills the ability to focus as toddlers and beyond.

Indeed, “patient babies” might seem like an oxymoron. But when we provide babies abundant freedom in a safe place to “call the shots”, they demonstrate that they are extraordinarily patient, joyful explorers.

To illustrate this beautifully (and in honor of Earth Day)… Heeeere’s Kobe!

Trust your children’s choices from the beginning so that they can begin to follow their passions, hone their talents, become outstanding learners, love what they do.

Just yesterday, while my son sweated it out on the soccer field in 99 degree heat, another parent asked, “How does he have such an incredible work ethic?”

It’s simple… “He loves this. He’s in heaven” (and he’s always played his way).

(Kerry, thank you so much for allowing me to share Kobe’s tutorial!)

Toward the end of the first year of life (when children become more aware of the separation between themselves and their parents) and periodically throughout the early years, we primary caregivers often become the sole object of our child’s desire. Clingy periods tend to coincide with children taking developmental steps toward independence (like learning to walk).  Sometimes they occur when children face new situations or transitions (for example, mom’s expecting). As understandable as this is, it’s still intensely stifling, frustrating and guilt-inducing when our lovable ball-and-chain can’t let us out of her sight for even a second.

When babies are around 9-12 months old, parents in my classes often share a common, enlightening scenario: “All I’m doing is making a quick trip to the bathroom or taking a shower, and my baby screams and cries inconsolably. What should I do?!” Obviously, they’re deeply distressed about putting their baby through such agony — but then it turns out the baby wasn’t alone after all (or with the Boogeyman). She was with her doting dad.

Hmmm…

Not to downplay infant emotions, but is this baby in desperate need? Or is this a healthy expression of her developing will? Either way, the situation is tough for baby, mom and dad. Here’s what I suggest to ease the anxiety all around and help everyone cope when children are feeling clingy:

1. Encourage autonomy

The way we perceive our children has a profound influence on them. While some experts refer to newborns as “helpless”, Magda Gerber made the seemingly minor — but important — distinction that babies are dependent, not helpless. She believed that babies are innately capable if we allow them to be, and this has been affirmed for me a thousand times over. Magda called this having “basic trust” in babies, and it is key to her approach.

One of the things most babies can do (and seem to greatly enjoy doing) is spend baby-directed time on their own. We might first notice this when we see our newborn awaken and look around for a while before indicating she needs us. These delicate “seeds” of independence are sown when we refrain from showering our babies with love at these times and just quietly observe. If we provide scattered minutes like these in a safe place, they can then evolve into longer and longer periods of baby “me” time, — a time for exploring, learning, creating, communing with “self”. Granting children this uninterrupted time and space from the beginning, but never forcing it, fosters healthy autonomy.

This bit of independence doesn’t eliminate separation anxiety and clinginess, but it definitely seems to lessen the frequency, intensity and duration of these episodes. And that makes sense, because children who have tasted autonomy have the inexorable knowledge that they can be more than fine for a time on their own.

2. Don’t overreact

Babies are aware and impressionable, which means that they are constantly receiving messages from us through our responses and behavior. For example, if our baby is trying to roll over and we instantly swoop in and turn her over or scoop her up at the first sound she makes, she’s going to believe she’s incapable of coping with even the smallest struggles herself.

On the other hand, if we sit down next our baby, bend down to her level, acknowledge her feelings and efforts, wait a little and then — if she continues crying — ask her if she wants to cuddle in our lap, she will receive an equally loving, far more empowering message. Often she’ll end up choosing to persevere with her task once she’s been heard and understood. These messages we transmit to our children add up to them feeling either secure and competent, or dependent on our “magic powers” to rescue them.

3. Separate with confidence

Again, children are very sensitive to our feelings. If we are feeling ambivalent, upset, guilty, etc. about leaving them in a safe place while we separate, there’s little chance that our child is going to be able to let us go gracefully. If we’re unsure, how can our child possibly feel secure?

So I recommend always telling your child you will go (sneaking out creates much more anxiety and mistrust), and doing so with kindness, assuredness and confidence in your child as fully capable of handling this situation. “I’m going to the bathroom and will be back in 5 minutes.” If you can remember to, it’s always best to leave out the “okay?” at the end, since that implies uncertainty or a need for the child’s permission.  If the child cries as you are trying to leave, acknowledge, “I hear you. You don’t want me to go, but I’ll be back.”

4. Don’t talk children out of their feelings.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings about your separation without even a hint of judgments like, “But I’ve played with you all morning!” Fully accept them. Encourage the parent or caregiver who remains with the child to support the child to grieve your temporary loss for as long as they need to while calmly assuring the child. “Mommy will come back.”  Ask them not to distract, “shush” or tell the child “you’re okay”, just keep acknowledging the feelings, listening, offering support and hugs if the child wishes.  Children’s feelings are valid and need to be treated as such.

6. Give children confidence-building opportunities to separate (and return to their secure base)

Here’s a reminder I give parents in my classes, especially when they are concerned about their child clinging and not playing: Think about it — we’re almost always the ones who initiate separations with our children. Children also need to feel trusted to separate and return as needed. (Confidence in our children to experience this is essential to them forming secure attachments according to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory.)

But child-led separation can’t happen if we follow babies and toddlers around. This is one of the reasons in the RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes we recommend parents find a seat and stay put. When we follow children in safe play situations like these, we send them the message that we don’t believe them capable of being away from us. Perhaps we do this because we think we have to show our child how to play (don’t worry, we don’t). Or could it be that we’re the ones having trouble separating here?

Staying in one place is especially important in group situations, because then the child knows exactly where we are, which frees her to separate with confidence when she’s ready.

5. Accept clinginess readily

I advise never resisting clinginess. Yes, there are times we need (or want) to separate, and that’s a healthy and positive thing to do. Parents’ needs and limits are an integral part of the parent/child relationship. Taking care of ourselves (even when our child disagrees) and feeling confident about that is vital to our bond.

Then there are those times at the playgroup, the park, a party, or even just at home when we might expect our child to be out playing or socializing, but our child is glued to us. Release those expectations or wishes — let clinginess be. In fact, welcome it. Don’t entertain, just let the child sit with you and watch. Coaxing, redirecting, pointing out all the wonderful children and toys our child could be playing with only intensifies her desire to cling.

When we trust that our child needs to be close and give her the assurance that we don’t resist this in the least, separation anxiety eases.

So whenever possible — give in wholeheartedly. Hold your child close and try to imagine the day she no longer wants to spend time on your lap (or doesn’t fit very well). Ugh, never mind, let’s not go there.

(Photo by slava on Flickr)

After struggling with this for a while now, my passion for natural gross motor development won out.  So, I sincerely hope that you’ll read the following with an open mind (or stop now).

My husband and I sat our first baby up without a second thought, propping her on the couch at just a few weeks old to take pictures of her in her fabulous new baby wardrobe. Looking back at the photos, this was not a flattering position.  She looks slumped and frozen — neither comfy nor happy. In one particularly undignified photo she’s dressed in a garish orange court-jester-inspired jumpsuit and matching hat, a gift from a witty friend. It’s clear from the scowl on our newborn’s face, she didn’t see the humor.

By the time our baby was 4 months old, I was attending RIE Classes where I was inspired to provide her abundant time to move freely and allow her to roll from back to tummy, pivot, scoot and eventually discover sitting all on her own. I’ll never forget her sitting for the very first time after rocking on her knees, then rolling back to her side and almost getting there for several days. She had been playing on the floor in our minuscule hotel room in Paris, and suddenly there she was, sitting in front of an armoire, surprised to find a reflection of herself in the mirror.

The splendor of “baby-owned” accomplishments like these is one of the reasons I recommend giving infants the opportunity to learn to sit on their own and not propping or positioning them.  Here are some others…

1. Natural Gross Motor Development

Many of the ideas Magda Gerber taught were based on the research and clinical work of renowned Hungarian pediatrician Emmi Pikler (1902-1984), who was Magda’s friend and mentor. One of Dr. Pikler’s revolutionary contributions to infant care was the outcome of her keen interest in the physiology of motor development that was not restricted, aided or taught.  Through her many years of research, observation and experience, Pikler concluded that when infant development is allowed to occur naturally, without interference, there are not only physical benefits such as grace and ease of movement, but psychological and cognitive benefits as well…

“The learning process will play a major role in the whole later life of the human being. Through this kind of development, the infant learns his ability to do something independently, through patient and persistent effort. While learning during motor development to turn on his belly, to roll, to creep, sit, stand, and walk, he is not only learning those movements, but also *how to learn*.  He learns to do something on his own, to be interested, to try out, to experiment. He learns to overcome difficulties. He comes to know the joy and satisfaction that is derived from his success, the result of his patience and persistence.” Dr. Emmi Pikler, Peaceful Babies – Contented Mothers

2. Restricting movement

Sitting babies up prematurely prevents them from rolling, twisting, scooting, or doing much of anything else. When an infant is placed in this position before she is able to attain it independently, she usually cannot get out of it without falling, which does not encourage a sense of security or physical confidence.

The babies I’ve observed playing this way look as if they’re pinned to the floor, immobile from the waist down. While other infants are moving their limbs freely on their backs, rolling from back to tummy and beginning to pivot, scoot or army crawl, the seated babies can only bend at the trunk to reach objects of interest. If a toy rolls out of reach, the seated babies must depend on an adult to get it back.  Of course, infants are brilliantly adaptive. I’ve seen babies routinely placed in this position learn to swivel around in a circle and eventually mobilize themselves by scooting on their bottoms.

3. Habits

Babies like to continue doing what they know (and the habits we create for them can easily become their “needs”). When we sit babies up, they usually begin to expect and want that. Conversely, if you don’t sit a baby up, she won’t desire the position. If parents want to backtrack and try to break the sitting habit, there will probably be an adjustment period and some complaints from the baby, who has to be encouraged in small doses to get comfortable on her back. This is a position from which her motor development can progress naturally.

“Giving infants, even if they have developmental delays, the freedom to move in accordance with their innate impulses may seem radical, but it is essential to their becoming persons with uncompromised self esteem.”                                                                                                         –Ruth Anne Hammond, Respecting Babies

4. Delaying, skipping motor milestones

When parents write to me concerned about their infants not reaching milestones like rolling or crawling, it usually turns out that they’ve been restricting movement in devices like infant seats, jumpers and saucers, or sitting the baby up. Babies can’t be expected to develop motor skills without the time and freedom to do so. If they are stuck sitting, infants sometimes even skip the other important milestones (rolling, scooting and crawling).

“I believe in giving your baby a safe space in which to play and letting her move freely and develop on her own without assisting her. Refrain from propping her up to sit or helping her roll over. She has an innate desire to move through these developmental sequences and has inborn knowledge of how to do it in a way that is “right” for her. She does this at her own pace and she gets pleasure from doing it.” –Magda Gerber

5. Independent play

Sitting babies up is a major roadblock to independent play. Since premature sitting is a dependent, static position, babies aren’t inclined to enjoy staying this way for very long (and this is assuming they don’t fall over).

6. Flexibility, posture, form

Body scientist and Feldenkrais Practitioner Irene Gutteridge (guest writer of “The Case Against Tummy Time” and producer of the famous Baby Liv videos), offers her perspective:

“Consider how hard it is for most adults to sit on the floor with their pelvis fully under them. More people are realizing how hard this is as sitting meditation becomes more “en vogue”, just as yoga made people realize how short their hamstrings are. But, if you give a kid the chance to find their own way to sitting it means they have properly engineered their bodies in the best way possible “for them” through their own discovery and movement, and of course learning how to form curves in their spine and hips, how to find the flexibility in their ankle and knee joints. When given the chance to do it on their own, it is a gradual organic process and the “form” follows the functionality.”

7. Loss of transitional postures

There is the ‘reclining on one’s side’ position that usually leads to sitting, which I fondly call “The Male Centerfold”. There are many other postures that occur between the biggies like rolling, scooting and sitting. Some are variations unique to the particular child, and if we believe in the wisdom of the body (as I do), they each have a valuable developmental purpose. I remind parents to take pictures, because most of these are charming and short-lived.

“Loving parents, eager to help, may hinder their baby’s growth by aiding her to move in ways unnatural for her. I encourage you to sit back and simply observe your baby as she moves through each stage of physical development. In this way you will be able to relax and enjoy your baby, and she will be supported by your attentiveness and interest.” -Gerber

8. What’s the rush?

Babies build self-confidence when they are trusted, accepted and appreciated for what they can (and choose to) do. They’ll achieve it all in due time.

“Time and time again I have asked parents, “How old were you when you learned to sit?” So far, nobody could remember. What is the benefit of early sitting? Why are so many people hooked on concepts such as “sooner is better”? Since our life span is getting longer – why not slow down? Why are concepts such as readiness and motivation hardly mentioned?”-Gerber

Recommended resources:

Books

Unfolding of Infants’ Natural Gross Motor Development by the Pikler Institute

Your Self-Confident Baby by Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson and Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

Respecting Babies: A New Look At Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach by Ruth Anne Hammond

Videos/DVD

Milla Finds Her Own Way, a Pikler-inspired DVD by Maureen Perry, NZ Infant And Toddler Consortium

See How They Move, featuring Magda Gerber, by Resources for Infant Educarers

Articles:

“Freedom of Movement and Self-Awareness”, by Ruth Anne Hammond, Respecting Babies

“No Tummy Time Necessary” by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

“Set Me Free”, “Don’t Stand Me Up”, “Messing With Mother Nature” and “9 Reasons Not To Walk Babies” (on this blog)

(Photo by chris jd on Flickr)

This is the story of a bright, spirited toddler with exceptionally loving parents who felt their family “spiraling out of control.” But all they really needed were some simple tools to help them understand how to communicate with their son as a whole person and set limits with respect.

Here are the practices that turned everything around for this family:

1. Respectful, honest, first person communication

2. Acknowledging desires and feelings

3. Keeping directions simple and concise

4. A confident, matter-of-fact, unquestioning tone

5. Gently following through. For example, catching the child’s hands (or feet) when he lashes out while saying, “I won’t let you hit.” (If we don’t follow through, children stop taking our directions seriously.)

6. Limiting screens and over-stimulating toys

7. Belief in their child’s ability to actively participate in creating solutions

Dear Janet,

I came across your blog ten days ago and it has clearly and truly changed my life.  A friend linked to your post, “What Your Toddler Thinks of Discipline” on Facebook.  It hit me like a brick wall.  I spent the next two days reading as much as I could whenever I could.  I think I made it all the way back to posts in 2010.

My son, Nicky is 2.75 years old.  All of his life, he’s been a late bloomer.  He does everything normally, but it tends to happen 30% later than other children.  We took him to doctors and specialists, everything is healthy, he’s just operating on his own time table.

He’s always had a very strong and fiery temperament, a gift and curse inherited from me.  Since his speech hasn’t developed on time, he started developing ways to let out the frustration of being constantly misunderstood or even, I’m sorry to say, ignored.  It was a vicious cycle.  The more his frustrations were unacknowledged, the worse his behavior would get.  The worse his behavior became, the more punitive I became and the more permissive his father became.  Two weeks ago, my husband and I were crying at our kitchen table, unhappy with who we’d become and the way it felt like our family was spiraling out of control.

I had looked for help before but nothing seemed to fit.  Distracting and redirecting did not fool him.  Time outs and rewards did not motivate him.  Most of the advice I found for kids his age assumed a language skill he does not yet have.  All of the advice I found for handling language delays was written for special needs children.  Finding your blog and RIE was such a relief.  Finally a way to communicate with the whole person inside my pre-verbal child.

When I read your blog, the first thing that I realized was how confusing the language I used with him could be.  I framed everything as a question.  I talked in third person.  I would say things like, “There’s no hitting, okay?” or “Mama said jumping on the couch time is over.”  I was genuinely surprised when my son cooperated if I simply told him, “I’m not going to let you do that,” or, “I’m taking this away now.”

I saw the results from just this one change and I was sold.  I began to acknowledge his desires.  To speak in first person.  I began to give names to the negative emotions he was feeling.  I started to catch his hands or feet when he tried to hit, punch, throw and shove, telling him gently, “I’m not going to let you do that.”  I began to sit closely and mostly silently when he would scream at the top of his lungs and just be present and available with his anger.  I went through the house and removed two dozen batteries from the toys he has been gifted recently.  He has never watched TV, but I stopped handing him the Ipad to play with.

It’s only been ten days and yet it already feels like a lifetime ago that my husband and I were crying at the kitchen table.  Our son is less angry and more cooperative.  He is happier and more engaged with the world around him.  He’s even speaking more, telling me now, “Understand,” when he comprehends things and, “Sad,” when he’s upset.  My husband saw the happier family he was coming home to and asked me to teach him what I’ve learned.  He’s no longer afraid of our son’s big emotions and has learned to set limits while still acknowledging Nicky’s feelings.

I think the defining moment of your methods working for us happened on Friday night.  I was using my laptop and Nicky wanted to sit in my lap.  As usual, he began kicking my laptop.  Using what I learned, I caught his foot before he made contact.  I told him, “You want to kick my laptop but I’m not going to let you do that.  I know it’s upsetting when you want to do something and I won’t let you.”  We went through this a couple of times when Nicky retracted his foot.  He extended it slowly and then hovered it over my laptop and said, “Airplane.”  He waved his foot back and forth without kicking and continued to tell me, “Airplane, airplane.”  I smiled and talked to him about his airplane flying over the computer.  I could hardly believe how peacefully the situation had resolved.  Since then, he has used this tactic for items that he is not allowed to touch, flying his “airplane” hands and feet near, exploring the item without touching it.  I could not be more proud of his creative problem solving.

Janet, your writing has done more than changed my life.  It’s given me my family back.  We’re now enjoying our son instead of counting the hours until bedtime.  I know there’s still plenty more work on this journey, but I am excited and full of hope.  I will continue forward both with Nicky and his 9 month old brother, a new and true believer in the wisdom of RIE.  Thank you, thank you so much.

-Caroline