My son is 3 years old and is a very happy child! He is at a RIE accredited Montessori school since he was little. I’m a working mom.

I will never forget that after his first days at the infant room, his teacher told me that it was amazing how much he observed. His eyes did not stop moving one side to the other. She used the term busy but at that point and being a first time mom, it did not mean a lot to me…

During these 3 years I have learned that he has a feisty temperament. His level of energy is amazing! His joy is intense and his mood can also change fast. His level of energy scares me sometimes. It also makes me really tired and frustrated sometimes. He is very sweet but sometimes he hits me and my husband and our dog. He can really exhaust one. Sometimes my husband and I do not know how to handle his power. I do believe in the Montessori method and think it’s the best for him. Although many of our friends and family think he needs something more “conservative”. We disagree.

Please, if you can, can you give me any advice in how to handle & understand a feisty child and keep the harmony in the family?

Any books recommended?

Thanks so much in advance and congratulations on your work!

Ninah

Hi Ninah,

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I would love to try to help. When I’m figuring out a response to notes like yours and have just a little snapshot of your life to go on, I look for clues… Here’s what I was struck by in your note:

“His level of energy scares me sometimes.”

I understand this, but if you are 3 years old and your mom is scared by your energy, that’s worrisome. No matter how scary he’s being, he needs you not to be frightened or even a little bit nervous. He needs to know that you and your husband are his calm, confident leaders, no matter what he throws at you (literally and figuratively). Be amazed and impressed by his energy, but not scared.

If your boy senses that you are scared or even frustrated, which he undoubtedly does, the anxiety that produces in him may even be cranking him up a notch or two. However, if you can be calm and unfettered in the face of his feistiness and mood changes, you’ll have a better chance of having a calming effect on him. I know that’s challenging, but he needs it. Think about projecting confidence and acceptance. Tap into your inner strength. Be his anchor.

“Sometimes he hits me and my husband and our dog.”

It’s totally in your power to prevent your son from doing those things. When you see him getting angry or frustrated, prepare to gently, but firmly stop him from hitting you. Hold his wrists if you must and let him know, “I won’t let you hit me. That hurts”. Try to stay calm and composed, don’t get angry. If he hits the dog because you couldn’t stop him in time, say, “I don’t want you to hit the dog. That hurts him.” Leave it at that. Don’t lecture. Be definitive, on top of it, almost nonchalant.

Imagine how scary it is for your little guy to not only have these powerful impulses, but to also be able to hurt his parents, hurt his dog, and make everyone frustrated and exhausted? That is a very uncomfortable amount of power for him to have. So, don’t give it to him.

“Sometimes my husband and I do not know how to handle his power.”

The key is gaining perspective. Remember that your son is a tiny guy and you are adults. (It’s funny the way our children can seem so HUGE to us…I remember!) He won’t overpower you, so don’t be afraid of his feelings. Feelings are just feelings, they come and go.

Focus on keeping yourself, your dog and your son safe and offer healthy outlets for your son’s volatility. Acknowledge his moods, give him boundaries and options. “You seem angry. I won’t let you hit me, but you can stomp your feet…or would you like some pillows to punch?”

Provide sufficient rest and healthy food.

Accept his feelings, but don’t let them affect you. They’re his, not yours, so don’t absorb them and you won’t end up exhausted. Imagine yourself a strong, but flexible backboard and let your son bounce his feelings off of you without you being bothered by them. Stay present, but be totally unthreatened.

By doing these things, you will provide your boy the safe boundaries and sense of security he needs to flourish. Then he will be able to channel his intense energy into positive accomplishments and leadership. For all the drawbacks to this kind of temperament (especially during the already volatile toddler years), there are loads of positives, too. As you say, he is intensely happy. People like him inspire us.

Books

The best toddler book that I know of is 1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years (by Irene Van der Zand and the Santa Cruz Toddler Care Center Staff). It is a simple (yet profound) and very user friendly guide to understanding and interacting positively with toddlers. For something more in-depth, I recommend The Emotional Life Of The Toddler by Alicia Leiberman, Ph.D.

Please keep me posted…

Warmly,

Janet

(Photo by mopics80 on Flickr)

Being clear and direct is the kindest, most respectful way to handle non-negotiable issues like car seats. Toddlers just want to know what we expect. They need to feel confident that we will consistently, calmly follow through (well before we get impatient or angry) and be assured that any negative reaction they have is understood by us. Here’s more…

Dear Janet,

I’m the proud mother of an adorable 15 month old son.  Our home is very baby-proofed so he is free to move and explore his surroundings without hearing a series of “no’s”.  We also maintain a very consistent schedule so he transitions between eat, sleep, and play periods with ease.  Our problem is the car seat. He HATES it.

About 70 percent of the time I try to put him in his car seat he has a full blown tantrum.  He has always really hated riding in the car, but I have a feeling that I might be exacerbating the issue by occasionally letting him explore the car and pretend to “drive”.  (The keys aren’t in the ignition and I’m right by his side the entire time.)  I’m wondering if I’m doing him a disservice by sending mixed messages.

He currently doesn’t say any words, so I’m not sure how much he would understand if I said “today we’re riding- not playing”. I’ve tried that before, but it doesn’t seem to help.  I react to his tantrums by pinning him down, strapping him down and moving on.  Usually he stops crying before we even get out of the driveway. Even though the tantrums are short I’d still like to have less of them, if possible.   I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thank you,

Abbie

Hi Abbie,

Sorry this response is so late. A couple of thoughts…

1. Your boy definitely understands your words even though he doesn’t talk yet. He needs clear, brief explanations and acknowledgments of his feelings. He needs to know a little beforehand when you will go to the car and get in the car seat and not have time to play. “Today we’re riding — not playing“ is not explicit enough. Better to say something like: “I know you like to play in the car, but today we will go to the car and go right to your seat. After your nap, we will have time to play in the car.” Be sure to make eye contact.

2. It’s okay to do both playing and not playing, as long as you clearly let him know.

3. Crying when restricted is completely normal and expected at this age. Most infants and toddlers like feeling free to move. The more calm and assured you are (it will probably help make you more so when you know you’ve told him beforehand) the easier it will be for him to accept doing what he doesn’t want to do.

This holds true every time your wishes clash, which may be more often as you are entering the toddler years. Be clear, direct and confident, even in the face of his complaints and cries. Once he has expressed his differing opinion (which is healthy, healthy, healthy for him to do), your son will be able to move on. It sounds like you are already experiencing that.

Remember that your boy is unable to say in words, “I don’t want to be confined! I want to move.” So, all he can do to express himself is cry about it (and he may be releasing other pent-up feelings as well). It does not mean that he is traumatized!

4. Sometimes it helps to give him a simple choice like, “Would you like to climb into the car seat yourself or have me pick you up?” He feels more autonomous and can “save face.” Soon he’ll be able to latch the seat himself and you can let him chose that, too. If he still resists after you’ve given him a moment to begin doing those things himself, you may end up saying, “You don’t seem able to go in yourself, so I’ll have to help you.”

5. Problems happen when we try to avoid cries or are afraid to be decisive leaders. If we waffle, that makes the child feel uneasy, unsettled, and usually makes the eventual tantrum last longer, leads to more resistance about the car seat and other things. When we are tentative, we leave our child in an uncomfortable state of limbo.

It sounds to me like you are handling everything well, but definitely communicate with him more. He needs to know what’s going on. And don’t forget to empathize and acknowledge when he is upset, “I know you didn’t want to get into the car seat, and I’m sorry I had to make you do it. I know that’s upsetting!”

Hope this helps…

Warmly,

Janet

Janet,

Thank you so much for your feedback!  I follow you on Facebook and enjoy reading every single one of your posts. It has really helped to make me a more relaxed, confident parent.  My son’s ability to play independently is pretty amazing. Many people have commented on it. Thank you very much for you advice on how to react to his tantrums.

We’ve pretty much moved past the power struggles over the car seat, but as you can well imagine, there are still plenty of other issues to disagree about. You once wrote something about being a “calm, confident CEO”, and it has really stuck with me.  When I need to set a limit I really don’t get worked up or emotional. I’m always amazed by how quickly he moves on.  And I guess I move on pretty quickly, too!

I think the most important thing for me to remember is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Thank you for the healthy reminder.

 Thanks for listening,

 Abbie

(Photo by Flat-Back 66 on Flickr)

Of all the skills we encourage our children to develop, social intelligence may be the most essential for predicting a fulfilling, successful life.  It’s also the aspect of development parents influence most profoundly, and it’s crucial that we’re aware of that, because our every word, move and gesture are being studied…We’re the ones under the microscope, modeling everything we do and say.  And surely this is the best motivation in the universe to be our most gracious, socially adaptive selves, and to heal old wounds by doing it “better” than it was done for us.

Magda Gerber taught me strategies for building a strong foundation for social intelligence in the infant and toddler years…

1. Don’t wait to communicate. Begin a two-way, person-to-person relationship with your baby as soon as she’s born. Speak respectfully. Don’t talk down.  Whenever we speak to our babies, they are learning language, so we should model the language we want our child to learn.

Babies are capable of communication and comprehension way before they utter recognizable words.  Tell your newborn what you will do before you pick her up or set her down again, even though it feels awkward to talk to someone who can’t talk back (or even indicate understanding).  Soon they will… If you ask babies questions, they will begin to find a way to answer.  Once you begin this habit, you won’t ever want to stop treating your child this way. And you’ll find out in a year or two that she’s been right there with you all along.

Give your baby a moment to take in your words. Observe her so that you can see her communicate readiness back to you. Telling your baby how much you adore her is great, but show your love by sharing the details about her life she’s eager to hear. Tell her what is happening right now and what will happen next. Invite her to participate in diaper changes, bathing and feeding, interact with you as much as she’s capable of doing. You’ll be surprised by how clearly she can communicate if you open the door.

Take a moment to look and listen before assuming her needs, even when she cries. She needs to know that her efforts to communicate are welcome, noted, and that you’ll try your best to understand.

2. Be a top model

Model honest, direct, open and polite communication. Be the first to admit “I’m sorry, I made a mistake” (even with babies). Be a patient, attuned listener. If you argue with someone in front of your child, try to resolve the disagreement gracefully… or at least resolve it. Then acknowledge in simple terms to your child what happened, especially if the child seems disturbed. Model patience, forgiveness, sharing, empathy– the social traits you wish for your child.

Whenever it seems appropriate, share your feelings (“I’m feeling sad thinking about Grandpa being sick”). Children sense when we’re disturbed anyway, and they appreciate the clarification.

Encourage children to understand their feelings, not by assuming “That fall scared you,“ (because you might not be accurate) but rather by probing, “Are you all right? You seem upset. Were you hurt? Startled?”

3. Keep it real

When we understand that we are immensely powerful models for our children, it is easy to see why discipline techniques that include distraction, tricks, games, rewards and punishments don’t foster social intelligence. Instead, those methods encourage children to do what we’re doing — avoiding confrontation, being inauthentic by smiling and playing games when we’re annoyed, manipulating (however kindly) in order to control, shaming and (in the case of spanking) hurting those we are in conflict with, rather than being direct and respectful, clear, gentle and honest.

The lessons we try to instill, no matter what methods we use or how effective they seem, will always be trumped by the behavior we are modeling moment to moment. The audience is listening.

Also, the self-worth and confidence children need to develop healthy social skills is undermined when we are manipulative, insincere, shaming or punitive. As they mature, the way we treat our children is, deep down, the best they will ever expect or believe they deserve.

4. Provide opportunities for practice, practice, practice

The intricacies of social interactions take plenty of practice to learn. Most of us spend our whole lives learning but never mastering them. So give babies a head start by allowing them to interact with their peers as freely as is safely possible. Babies are fascinated by other babies and ready to begin learning about each other at just a few months of age.

Children learn social skills organically when we abandon preconceptions about play, support but don’t interfere, observe closely and sensitively. Just as our baby’s “solo play” choices can be surprising, infant and toddler interactions seldom look like “playing together”.

But try to imagine ways babies can play together…there aren’t many. They usually play by touching each other, taking or (more rarely) giving toys (whether the other child wants them or not) and imitating. Imitating, unless it’s a loud chorus of crying, doesn’t usually worry parents, but the first two do.

Sensitive observation is paramount to understanding when and how to intervene gently so that children are not hurt and so that we don’t interrupt and discourage interaction.

Here’s a very brief example of social interaction that doesn’t look so good to grown-ups, but (believe it or not) is playing and learning together infant style.

As infants become toddlers, there will usually be more conflicts between them. Allowing children to experience and resolve these age-appropriate conflicts is a phenomenal way for them to learn social intelligence. You might say “You are both trying to hold the bear”, while blocking any hitting or pushing and saying “I won’t let you hit.”  Acknowledging all feelings during and after the conflict helps calm children and fosters empathy, while encouraging them to understand and label their feelings.

“The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” – Gerber

Here’s another video I posted recently that demonstrates two toddlers’ abilities to solve conflicts.

Remember that even while children are focused on each other, we’re still modeling (no, we don’t ever get a break, it’s always show time.). For example, interventions that aren’t gentle while we demand “Be gentle!” don’t teach gentleness.

Through observation we notice that as toddlers grow and play evolves, children will sometimes need assistance when they are not in danger of being hurt. Older toddlers might routinely take toys or disrupt another child’s play to signal to adults that they need our help, and it’s best to stop them gently, but decisively. “Molly was using that. I won’t let you take it away. Please wait until she’s done.” Then, if the child cries, “I know you wanted to use that and Molly said no. That’s upsetting.”

Often children will release pent-up feelings when we set these kinds of limits. Encourage and acknowledge them.

For more about selective interventions with infants and toddlers, you might want to check out…

The S Word (Toddlers Learning To Share)

You’ll Be Sorry – Children And Apologies

What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker

The Baby Social Scene – 5 Hints For Creating Safe And Joyful Playgroups

Falling – A Lesson In Friendship, Forgiveness And Moving On by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

What strategies have you used for teaching emotional intelligence? Please share…

(I love the photo up top. These 3 year olds and their parents attended one of my weekly RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes for two years. This photo was taken when they reunited at a mutual friend’s birthday party after not seeing each other for a year.  Note the adults admiring them respectfully from afar. The boy’s mom joked that they‘re planning the wedding!)

Hi Janet,

My wife Kristin mentioned that you might enjoy this little video of our 11 month old Siena doing some unique play.

A couple of things personally fascinate me about this activity of hers. She didn’t pick it up from anywhere; it just came out of nowhere. She truly enjoys it in the moment even if she has to take brief dizzy breaks. And there seems to be no particular functional skill she’s working on, no objects or external stimulation cues inspire her to spontaneously do this. She just needs a flat surface and goes at it for the joy in and of itself. It looks like a very pure example of “play” in my eyes. She’s actually gotten much faster and tighter spins since this video was taken. 

Regards,

Joe

Worth noting:

Honoring play

Siena freely expresses herself through play because her parents appreciate and respect her self-initiated activities. They allow her plenty of time each day to enjoy moving and playing independently. They don’t interrupt unnecessarily.

Cement

You might be thinking, “Yikes! She’s rolling around on cement pavement! Won’t she get hurt?” Interestingly, when we allow gross motor skills to develop naturally, provide plenty of time for babies to practice and don’t interfere, children can be trusted to know what they’re doing. Awareness is extremely high, both in terms of body awareness and awareness of the environment.

Not a milestone

Siena’s spinning won’t be found on any doctor’s checklist. This is no typical milestone — it’s one child’s unique discovery — and that’s the beauty of it. Children need our appreciation and encouragement for their creative choices, which for babies usually means the way they choose to move. When we focus on milestones we miss the magic.

I’m really glad that Joe and Kristin documented this, because chances are this stage will disappear, as most transitional moves do. Siena probably won’t be spinning once she starts walking, unless, of course, she does end up a break-dancer…and I wouldn’t put that past her.

Does your baby have unique moves? I’d love to hear about them…

Kristin, Joe and Siena, thanks so much for allowing me to share your video (and photo, above). You all ROCK!

(Kristin shares exquisite handmade accessories “to have, to hold and to wear” on her site Petal and Thorn)

Please join HandinHand Parenting founder Patty Wipfler and me on Thursday, January 19, 2012, 6:00-7:00 PM (PST) for our free teleseminar “Play That Builds Resilient Kids”.  Click HERE for more information and to register.

I hear (or read) statements like Mama Birth’s all the time.  It doesn’t matter what school of child care thought or the specifics of the discussion, someone always concludes “there isn’t a method that can work for every child because each baby is unique.”  And that usually ends the discussion.

Although I couldn’t agree more about each child being unique, I disagree about there not being a universal, one-size-fits-all child care approach — because I know one. It’s summed up perfectly by RIE Associate Elizabeth Memel when she welcomes new parents to her Parent/Infant Guidance Classes: “I’m not your teacher — your child is your teacher.” (Wish I’d said that.)

Our unique babies are the only people on the planet who can teach us all we need to know about raising them. So one-size-fits-all parenting is about learning how to become better students. Here’s infant expert Magda Gerber‘s foolproof way to do that…

1. Trust

We need a basic trust in our babies as capable communicators and initiators — fully human and active participants in life. The expression “seeing is believing” has to be reversed. Young children, especially the most immobile, pre-verbal ones can’t show and tell us unless we believe they can and give them room.

2. Observe

Sensitive observation, focused attention, really taking the child in without interference is the key to understanding babies and responding appropriately. Through observation we can detect everything from the early stages of tiredness (and be able to prepare children for sleep ahead of the curve) to what they might be learning while they play, when not to interrupt.  Magda Gerber’s story illustrates…

“Once many years ago, I saw an infant lying on the floor who was trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way. I didn’t see anything, but I knew that the child saw something. Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow, and that’s what the child saw. That experience stayed with me as a symbolic reminder, so that now when people do things, I want to say, “That child may just see the rainbow — don’t interrupt. Wait.”

(from Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect)

This story is also about trust, trusting that our baby’s choice of activity has value and is “enough”.

3. Listen

If I had it to do over, I’d definitely try the Dunstan method for decoding baby language…it fascinates me! I know, I know, someone’s bound to tell me it doesn’t work for every baby. But listening does. True listening means finding the strength to hear babies when they cry, since that’s the way they communicate a variety of needs and feelings. It means making the effort to understand before responding, especially when those responses mean placing something in the baby’s mouth, because that discourages further communication.

Lu Hanessian (from Parent2ParentU) provided a vivid illustration recently when she suggested substituting the word ‘communicate’ for ‘cry’.  And yet, there are experts who will tell you not to let your baby ‘communicate’.

When our goal is to prevent babies from crying, we end up assuming needs, doing well-intentioned but misdirected things like feeding them when they’re tired or playing with them when they’re over-stimulated.  Observe and listen. Really listen. Your baby is listening to you, and she deserves the same respect.

Keeping the lines of communication open becomes even more vital as our children grow. These lines are delicate. They can easily become blocked and even “downed” when we routinely ignore or respond judgmentally to our baby’s cries; lose patience with our toddler’s tendency toward overreaction; or say just about anything to our teenagers (!).

This lesson was brought home recently when my husband and I went through a rough patch with one of our children. We were alarmed and confused as to how to handle it, seriously doubted ourselves.  Once again, the answer turned out to be listening and trusting our daughter to know herself.  (Thank you, Magda, for guidance that keeps on giving!)

4.  Talk, long before they do

Encourage communication by talking to children respectfully.  Tell infants and toddlers before you pick them up (better yet, ask first). Show children through your actions and words that you want them to communicate with you. Let them know you understand what they’ve communicated and they’ll keep letting you in.

5. Slow down

Tuning in to young children is impossible without slowing down to their speed.

6. Get outside!

Moving your life outdoors as much as possible has nothing specific to do with learning about babies, but communing with nature is a one-size-fits-all, foolproof ticket to enjoying life and parenting.

Here’s inspiration… Observe this 6 month old baby’s discovery. Listen to his joy. Trust that his inner-directed activity is not only enough, it’s just perfect. (This is a 30 second snippet from a long, uninterrupted play period.)

And that reminds me of another thing…

7. Revere play

Do you have foolproof parenting ideas to share?

(Thanks so much to Kerry and Kobe for this enchanting video!)

(Photo by Brianfit on Flickr)

Perhaps this will be the year that babies are finally acknowledged as uniquely capable, full-fledged people. Maybe parents and caregivers will realize that babies are born knowing something about their development and can be trusted to demonstrate readiness for developmental milestones by “doing them”.

If we believe in babies, then we give them opportunities to show us what they’re working on, and they’ll do the rest. This begins with allowing infants plenty of time to move their bodies freely and naturally and trusting them to direct their motor development.

So, I’m rolling in the New Year by sharing some inspiration. In the following video, a 4 month old infant demonstrates a wide array of movements and positions on her way to tummy time, none of which would be possible if she were propped up to sit, contained in a walker, seat or carrier, or placed on her tummy.  She is determined, but relaxed, engaged, content, a joyful explorer stopping to gaze at things that catch her eye, examine her hands and taste her thumb. Tummy time is just another interesting discovery, self-chosen and stress-free. Nothing could be more natural. This certainly bodes well for a lifelong love of learning…

I wish doctors had enough time to be able to observe how a baby is moving naturally, to share these observations with parents, and to point out to the parents how competent a baby is at any stage of development. This might help the parents to observe and appreciate what the child is capable of doing and to stop worrying and pushing toward the next milestone, for which the baby may not yet be ready. –Magda Gerber

In the New Year (and always), may the time you’re blessed to spend with babies be joyful and inspiring. Cheers!

(Thank you to Sarah, Nathan and Juliet for this beautiful video!)

Dear Janet,

I stumbled on your blog through the guest post on “tummy time” when my daughter, now six months, was about two months old.  I was totally captivated by the video of Baby Liv and then spent hours reading your whole blog.  Very quickly I just had this enormous sense of relief come over me: I hadn’t realized how tense I had been until I discovered how amazing this feeling was!  And on the same day that I started reading about RIE, the baby caught my sense of peace right away.  Suddenly she started sleeping more, in part because I didn’t jump up every time she stirred.  She wasn’t taking really short naps, I found—she was having wakeful periods (sometimes very vigorous wakeful periods) in the middle of long naps that I had been destroying by picking her up too quickly.

What relief to realize that my young baby needed her own space and time: that I didn’t need to be entertaining her every minute or teaching her the alphabet in order for her to develop.  I could trust my child to grow up, and I could help her along the way.  Wow–my whole perspective shifted, and I became so much calmer.  So did my baby!

But RIE has turned out to be an unexpected source of comfort in other ways.  As a result of a rare condition, I’ve suffered several vertebral fractures over the last couple of months, and my spine is still very delicate.  This means that for the next year or so, I have to be extremely careful.  I simply can’t pick my baby up or “wear” her (you’re right, it’s a terrible term), for I risk even worse permanent disability.  I can, thankfully, still hold her in my lap if someone hands her to me.

If I was still under the sway of attachment parenting (which I do think is different from RIE, and which I believe encourages, perhaps inadvertently, the anxieties of new parents to develop into self-destructive behaviors and worries), this would be completely devastating.  After all, it would mean that my child would fail to properly attach, that I was an insufficient mother, that we would all be emotionally stunted by my physical limitations.

But under RIE, my physical value as a mother is rather limited.  I am not a beast of burden for my child.  Rather, I can sit and watch her play and comment.  I can read books to her.  I can play games with her.  I can empathize with her and talk to her.  And all of that is considered plenty.

So, I am incredibly grateful for your work and that of Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler.  You will all have made my child’s infancy so much happier for us.

With so many thanks,

Jennifer

“Parents often say to me, “I want to hold my baby all the time to show him how much I love him.” Most animals can show affection only through touch, but we humans have an extensive, varied and refined repertoire of ways to demonstrate love. To me, a mature, evolved person shows love by respecting the *otherness* of the beloved. You become a good parent not only by listening to your instinctive messages but by paying close attention to your baby, by observing the infant. Sensitive observation flows from respect.” – Magda Gerber

(Photo by cheriejoyful on Flickr.)

Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

In his book Escape From Childhood, educator John Holt relates a “most embarrassing moment” shared with him by a friend. The friend was walking in a department store behind two little boys when “feeling affectionate and mischievous, she put a fingertip on each boy’s head. In an instant, two furious adult faces looked up at her, and in a harsh, high, but adult voice, one of them said, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’”

It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to Holt that his friend’s embarrassing story belied a common and unfortunate perception – that it would have been okay to touch these men of short stature had they been children, even though she didn’t know them from Adam.

Is it our well-meaning perception of children as cute and adorable that causes us to treat them less respectfully than we would another adult?  Is every child’s round head ours to touch? Are babies ours to pick up and hold; their cheeks ours to pinch?

I’m reminded of Magda Gerber’s wise words, “Much harm has been done in the name of love, but no harm can be done in the name of respect.”

Our love and affection for children is a positive thing, but if we don’t make the conscious effort to respect first, these positive feelings can lead us to treat children in demeaning, diminishing ways.

Not Just Cute, the expressive title of Amanda Morgan’s engaging parenting website says it all. Puppies, kittens and dolls might be cute, but our children need to know from the beginning that they are far more than that in our eyes. Even our babies need us to consider them ‘serious’ people. As Holt writes, “[Children] are not at all sentimental about their littleness. They would rather be big than little, and they want to get big as soon as they can.”

‘Cute’ isn’t a word to be abolished from our vocabulary. It has its purposes. For one, I feel much more comfortable calling someone of the opposite sex “cute” than “hot” (as my teenagers might). But “cute” spills out of me much more than I’d like, especially with young children. Our little ones can be so delightful and charming that it’s challenging to compose ourselves.  This is yet another parenting challenge, but a worthy one: taking care not to minimize, weaken and lessen those who most need our empowerment.

Here are some instances when our children should definitely not be perceived as cute…

1. When they’re upset

Has anyone ever told you, “You’re cute when you’re angry”? Perhaps this only happened in 1940’s movies, but don’t tell me it wouldn’t enrage you if it did! And yet, situations like the one John Holt describes in this passage happen all the time…

“One afternoon I was with several hundred people in an auditorium of a junior college when we heard outside the building the passionate wail of a small child. Almost everyone smiled, chuckled, or laughed. Perhaps there was something legitimately comic in the fact that one child should, and without even trying, be able to interrupt the supposedly important thoughts and words of all these adults. But beyond this was something else: the belief that the feelings, pains and passions of children were not real, not to be taken seriously. If we had heard outside the building the voice of an adult crying in pain, anger, or sorrow, we would not have smiled or laughed but would have been frozen in wonder and terror.”

2. When they express kindness, generosity, love and affection

As hard as it is for some of us not to say an adoring “Awww!” when a baby holds hands with another, a toddler hugs his friend or hands another child a toy, it’s important that we try to restrain ourselves. Yes, these exquisite moments are the good stuff of parenting, rewards that we should enjoy and celebrate. But it’s safer to do so quietly, especially if the child isn’t looking our way.  Our exuberant expressions of appreciation distract and turn the child’s authentic act into a little performance. These acts become a way to garner our positive attention, which can then become the sole motivation for them.

Our perception of children as cute ends up interfering with their intrinsic motivation.  Children might be encouraged to take on the “cute” identity and become unconsciously motivated to exploit it…

“A cute child soon learns to do almost everything she or he does, at least around adults, to get an effect.  Such children become self-conscious, artful, calculating, manipulative. They pay more and more attention to how they appear in the eyes of others. I often see such simpering, mincing, cutesy-smiling, fake-laughing children with adults in public places. They become specialists in human relations, which they see more and more as a kind of contest to see who can get the most out of others.” -Holt

3. When they are focused, determined, brave or trying to do new things

“I used to think the clumsiness of infants learning to walk was cute. Now I watch in a different spirit. Although there is nothing cute about clumsiness – any more than littleness – there is something very appealing and exciting about watching children just learning to walk.  They do it so badly, it is so clearly difficult, and in the child’s terms may even be dangerous.  Most adults, even many older children, would instantly stop trying to do anything that they did as badly as new walkers do their walking. But infants just keep on. They are so determined, they’re working so hard and they’re so excited that learning t o walk is not just an effort and struggle but a joyous adventure.” –Holt

These qualities in children aren’t cute — they’re inspiring. And the upside (for me, at least) is that children who are used to being respected won’t buy anything less. They see through the “cute” treatment and feel only distrust for the person offering it — knowing beyond all doubt that they are much, much more.

(If you’d like to read more of John Holt’s essay “The Cuteness Syndrome”, a slightly different version of the latter part has been reprinted here: The Natural Child Project) 

Photo by Jude Keith Rose

My baby boy is 6 months old, and we do all we can to make sure he is happy and healthy. We realize how important good, uninterrupted, restorative sleep is – both night sleep and daytime naps – and I wonder how you might respond to the philosophy of Dr. Marc Weissbluth (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”), who advocates letting a baby over 4 months cry up to one hour for naps and an unlimited time for night so the baby learns to self-soothe and fall asleep unaided. (This is of course assuming that the baby’s needs have been met – he’s fed, comfortably dressed, appropriate room temperature, fresh diaper, no diaper rash or other obvious injury/discomfort, not ill, no coyotes in the crib, etc.)

Weissbluth suggests that when a baby needs  sleep but wants to play or cuddle, we are robbing him of sleep if we constantly go to him. Sure enough, I feel like I’m hindering my baby’s efforts to put himself to sleep rather than helping at all. As soon as he sees me, he immediately wants to be held and nursed, even if he just ate. The problem with that is if he does fall asleep on me, I cannot put him down asleep – he wakes up and cries – and he does not sleep on anyone for more than 15 minutes or so (clearly not restorative sleep). We have done this for hours during the day in an effort to get him to take a nap when he was obviously tired.

Sometimes I believe he simply cries because he is overtired (perhaps from missing the previous nap) and needs to blow off steam before settling down. I never leave the room while he’s crying, but he typically starts once I’m out of sight, leading me to believe he just wants more play time. He typically nods off after a few minutes, but there are times when the crying goes on longer. I’ve been very torn between allowing him to relax himself and going in and rescuing him, even if it meant a missed nap, which is clearly not in his best interest. Any advice would be appreciated.

(This was a comment on my post 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying)

Sleep specialist Eileen Henry responds… 

“7 Reasons to Calm Down about Babies Crying” is a great article. And my experience with parents is in line with Janet’s. In the eight years that I have been working as a sleep consultant, I have yet to meet a parent who can leave their baby to cry. Even the parents I meet who do the “Cry It Out” method or “Ferberize” end up going to their child at some point and offering some form of support. Sitting in the next room, listening to the child suffer and having that fight with the parental brain is a doomed scenario…

However, our parental brain still holds obsolete instinctual drives that tell us to “stop the crying” at any cost.  Even though we may intellectually know that all is well (we have the shelter part of our basic needs down — there are no wolves at the cave door),  the intense urge to follow the impulse is still there. We can have a head full of rational knowledge and still have great difficulty convincing the heart to sit back and listen to our beloved baby suffer.

Good news…you don’t have to.

Your reader above raises some very good points and familiar concerns. Once we know all of our child’s needs have been met, now is the time to satisfy the authentic need for sleep…but how do we support our child in their efforts to settle in and get a good, uninterrupted, period of sleep? As this mommy knows, the best way to raise a successful sleeper is to allow the child to learn how to go from sleepy to asleep on their own. And at 6 months of age, “On their own…but with a little help,” might be the ticket.

As mentioned in 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying, the parent’s emotional state is key. I put this first in the list of ways to help our children through any disturbance. Since my program, Compassionate Sleep Solutions, is strongly rooted in Attachment Theory (or Regulatory Theory, as I like to call it), the first order of business is to offer soothing from a “self soothed” emotional state. To best help our child emotionally regulate, we must first make certain we (the parents) are emotionally centered.

The second thing I recommend is to try to distinguish between struggle and suffering in the child’s cries. Since struggle is inherent in all development, we can be confident that our child can develop a healthy relationship with struggle by allowing them to have their struggles.

If at any time you hear what sounds like suffering, by all means go in and offer soothing and comfort to your child. We will always respond to suffering, but we can do so without “rescuing” or “fixing” the child’s sleep.

Infants may have many wants, but  until they are verbal (and arguably even then) we will never know what they truly want. But if we are certain that sleep is what they need, we do not want to rob them of this wonderful time of rest and rejuvenation.  I find over and over that acknowledgement, empathy and compassion can be most powerful in helping our children through their learning struggles and inevitable suffering in this life. 

I am reminded of what Thich Hhat Hanh refers to as The 4 Aspects of True Love. And true love is a deep and continual practice of compassion.

1. Is true presence…”Beloved, I am here.” We do this in the care giving routines and rituals of the day. We do our best to be mindful and present.
2. “Beloved, you are here and I am happy.” We do this having already established a strong and healthy attachment and bond.
3. “Beloved, you are suffering and I am here.” We do this by offering acknowledgement, empathy and reassurance.

The fourth aspect is said to be the most difficult for the adult human.  It is because we have fear and pride. Perhaps we have fear that we will not be helped and are therefore too prideful to ask, or perhaps we have been trained to only think of the other:

4. “I suffer…help ME.” We satisfy this as parents every time we sit in a RIE class and share our experience, struggles, parental guilt and fears. We do this with our mommy sisters, partners and husbands. And at every age we can be honest with our children by modeling humanness…”Sweetie I know…I hear you…this is hard for me,  too.” Because we also know what loss and grief are made of. And we know that no one can fix it…and no matter how painful it is…the feeling is meant to be felt. 

Eileen Henry, RIE™ Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions™

http://www.compassionatesleepsolutions.com/

303.953.0203

(Isn’t this the best photo ever?! It’s by Sellers Patton on Flickr)