Breastfeeding For Comfort (The All-Night Diner)

A discussion I had with Annie from “PHD In Parenting” a while back (Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud!) sparked some interesting commentary. A couple of days ago I received this new comment and question…

I am beyond excited to have found your blog Janet, and this debate has been so revealing for me. My daughter is almost 1 year old and I have been practicing Attachment Parenting because it has made sense to me. This blog is my first more formal introduction to RIE and I am having a huge A-HA moment! Thank you so much, I can’t wait to learn more about this thinking and approach. I have a question I wonder if you would address. From a RIE approach how does a parent approach changing a pattern that has been set into place?

In our case I have gotten my daughter into being solely dependent on my breast during the nighttime hours. She still wakes several times every night and “needs” to have my breast to calm and return to sleep – sometimes this return to deep sleep happens INSTANTLY, and other times she actually nurses although she is usually in a certain level of sleep the whole time. That is to say, she is rarely truly awake. If I do not give her the breast she wakes fully and is soon screaming until she is returned to the breast. She always quickly returns to deep sleep after being put to the breast. Although most of the hours of our nights are spent in sleep, I am tired of waking so many times in the night, every night, and can clearly see that this is a pattern that I have created. But how to change it? Thankfully, I have not been so indiscriminate in daytime hours, although I have used the breast to comfort when I might have paid attention differently and tried other methods.

I am fascinated by human development and with the parenting process, so I can’t wait to start using RIE insights to help me parent better.

Thanks in advance for any help! Megan

          Hi Megan,

First, I just want to mention that the pattern you recognize (so astutely) you’ve created is a version of what most of us do — a perfectly understandable response to our baby’s cries, especially during the night. A baby’s cries are heart-wrenching for us to hear, designed by Nature to arouse us from a deep sleep. We are inclined to believe that every cry is a call to immediate action and resolution, and breastfeeding (or a pacifier) can appear to be the immediate answer. Our instincts tell us to make the crying stop, rather than to support our baby’s emotional health by hearing, acknowledging and understanding cries before we act.  Crying babies make us feel like bad parents.

When babies cry in my parent/infant classes for whatever reason, I try to reassure parents that crying is allowed at RIE, and that a baby’s cries are not a judgment against them — quite the contrary. It takes a brave and enlightened parent to remain calm, listen to their baby cries and offer an attuned, accurate response. Babies cry to communicate a variety of needs – and sometimes the need is to complain, or otherwise express feelings that the parent cannot necessarily “fix”.

Struggles at bedtime are particularly difficult for parents to endure. We’re tired and weary, and keeping the peace at night — getting everyone back to sleep as quickly and easily as possible — is a priority. We nurse, rock, use a pacifier…whatever it takes.

Some babies will eventually transition on their own to un-aided sleep, but most want to continue (and continue, and continue) going to sleep the way they are used to…who can blame them? And if the arrangement is comfortable for the parents, and the baby seems to be functioning well during the day, there’s little reason to make a change.

But you are an insightful mom (and tired), and you sound ready to help your baby find a healthier pattern. The great news is that babies are extremely adaptable, and once we commit to changing a habit of any kind and project confidence in our decision (the most important element for success) babies usually only need a few days to make a transition. I only wish that I could tell you it will be seamless and soundless!

Actually, helping our child change habits of any kind is usually much easier than we imagine it will be, once we are sure that the change is best for all concerned.  But if we (our child’s leader) are tentative, uneasy or uncertain, it is much more difficult for the child to transition comfortably. Children sense our ambivalence a mile away.

So, first make a plan and proceed with confidence.

Then, give your baby a little preparation in advance. Infant expert Magda Gerber encouraged parents to talk honestly to babies about changes in their routines (and every other aspect of their lives, for that matter) and to include them in the process. “Tonight, if you wake up, we won’t be having milk. I want you to go back to sleep, so you get a really good rest.”

Believe your baby capable of falling asleep independently rather than worrying, or pitying her.

Then do less, and allow your baby to do more. Instead of nursing in the night, you might stroke your baby and talk softly, allow her feelings to be expressed and acknowledge them. “I hear you. You want milk to help you sleep and you’re upset. It’s time to go back to sleep. You can do it.” And she really and truly can with your support and belief in her.

For more support and information about crying and emotional health, sleep, and changing patterns, I highly recommend these articles:

Changing Toddler Sleep Habits and Baby’s “No Cry” Sleep Is Exhausting, guest posts here by sleep specialist Eileen Henry

Allowing Crying Without Crying It Out on Natural Parents Network and How Respect Is Getting Me More Sleep, both by Suchada Eickemeyer from “Mama Eve”, another Attachment Parenting enthusiast who has been recently introduced to and inspired by RIE.

Emotional Health And Development Of Self-Esteem In Infants by Roseann Murphy at Little River School Online

Interview With Aletha Solter On Crying And High-Needs Infants at Aware Parenting.com

My posts: Babies Breaking Habits, Toddlers Dealing With Change and Sleep On This

I love your enthusiasm for the RIE Approach, and I’ll do all I can to help.

Warmly,

 Janet

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11 Responses to “Breastfeeding For Comfort (The All-Night Diner)”

1. Lauren says:

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   Hi Janet, Hi Megan

   Will be watching this post and comments with interest, thank you. My son is almost 8 mths and since he was (around) 3 months has woken once a night for a breastfeed, always sometime between 2.00am and 4.00am. Then always straight back to sleep.

   At this stage we are both happy with the arrangement; as I’ve been doing it for so long (and it’s just the one time each night) we are both well rested. However, as he increases his solids intake and gets older, I am conscious of keeping an eye on it that it doesn’t become just a comfort habit rather than genuine hunger. I suspect we’re just starting to approach that stage (I’ve noticed his ‘feeding’ is less enthusiastic), hence my interest in this topic!

   A couple of times we have tested the waters with my husband going in instead and quietly talking or stroking or allowing our son to hold his hand to quieten down. And this works for 10-30 mins but he soon calls out again. So for now we are keeping the feed.

   Just thought I’d also mention a friend with an older baby (now 12 mths) had a similar issue, though with much more frequent waking. What worked for them was for dad to take a few days off work (so he could sleep during the day!) and for him to replace mum going in at night. It took about 3 days of him going in and just calmly talking, etc to do the trick. I’ve read too that this is sometimes better as babies can get all revved up for milk if it’s mum that comes in (why not, seeing the milk has arrived) and that *sometimes* dads can have more success in this regard.

   Hope that is of help.

   Keep up the great blog, Janet. Have been following it with great interest for a few months now, down here in Australia
   

   Lauren

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   • janet says:

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     Hi Lauren in Australia! Yes, I’ve noticed that it’s often easier for dads to help with a sleep transition. Thanks for mentioning that.

     I’m no sleep expert, but one night feeding at 8 months of age sounds typical to me… Great that you are proceeding with such awareness, though.

     Thanks for your kinds words about the blog!

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2. amanda says:

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   just want to say for your consideration that there may be some need (even comfort- especially if you are apart from each other during the day) that breastfeeding is fulfilling for your child. our son, now 27 months, continued waking in the night and only being comforted after nursing until he was a few months shy of two. and then, on his own, without any changes on our part, he slept through the night. i feel good about allowing our child to tell us when he was ready to do without rather than the other way around because it was inconvenient for my sleep. though, i realize not all parents feel this way about taking the longer road.

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   • janet says:

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     Amanda, thank you. I really love that you shared this…a success story! It’s morale-boosting when our parenting choices end up working out as we hope they will. I would only add that my point is to be aware of the needs we create. All babies need comfort, but we are the ones who condition our babies to needing a specific comfort response, like breastfeeding. Our goals and “longer road” are not necessarily another parent’s longer road.

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3. Suchada @ Mama Eve says:

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   Janet, thank you for linking to my articles. I’m going to spend some time today re-reading information about sleep, because we’re again struggling with night-waking (after a week of illness), and working to move back to routine that kept all of us happier.

   In response to Amanda, I agree that breastfeeding does fulfill a need for comfort that our children have at night. The difficulty many parents have is their own need to rest (which is also often a need of the child), and finding a solution that honors both needs. In many attachment parenting circles that I’m part of, the only option seems to be to sacrifice our own needs for the need of a child.

   I feel like a bad mother saying that option didn’t work for us, but it simply didn’t. When I sacrificed my own need for sleep to allow my son to have his first choice for comfort, I ended up sacrificing many other parts of our relationship, which wasn’t good for anyone.

   What I appreciate about the RIE approach is it encourages us to recognize and acknowledge our child’s needs, and then support them as they find alternative ways to fulfill them. Ultimately I believe this is healthier for everyone and our life-long relationships.

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   • janet says:

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     Suchada, I hate hearing you say you could be a bad mother. I think we underestimate our baby’s ability to feel loved and comforted by our sensitive attention and caring presence. Babies sense all the things adults do, in fact they are even more sensitive. And babies are ready to begin learning that these people they are forming close bonds with — their parents — have self-respect. We are teaching what it means to be human. Our babies develop healthy personal boundaries with others when we model self-respect.

     I so appreciate this passage from Linda Ligane’s article about infants and self-esteem posted on Little River School Online (http://littleriverschool.wordpress.com/2011/02/28/emotional-health-and-development-of-self-esteem-in-infants/ )…

     “Respecting yourself, the carer is the most difficult, most fundamental task. Respecting the needs of an infant is far easier than respecting one’s own needs. After all, the infant is brand new, and what you are doing with her is establishing new habits that replace no habits. That is not true of respecting one’s own needs. Becoming a parent challenges one’s development with the opportunity for personal growth. Why is it important to grow personally, when your whole life is settling down after birth of your child? Why is taking care of you important? Why take care of yourself before the baby when your job as a parent is defined as taking care of the baby? I can only offer my reasons…you must answer these questions for yourself. The quality of your family life depends on your answers.

     Parenting takes real work, especially if the philosophy and methodology I have described is different from what you would otherwise do. By definition, work is draining. It takes energy from you, and thus also from your child.

     It usually only takes a short time to take care of your immediate needs, and a longer time to take care of your child.

     You are the primary role model for your child, ad by respecting your own needs; you are setting a very important example for your child to later learn to respect his own needs.

     Only after we truly respect ourselves are we able to genuinely respect others.

     When you are able to satisfy your own needs on a regular basis, you are more able to nurture others“

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4. Kathleen (amoment2think) says:

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   Janet. I love you.

   The way you explain this is so so comforting and positive. Your blog should be mandatory reading for any parent!

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   • janet says:

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     Awww… You made my day. Thank you, and the feeling is mutual!

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5. Miven Trageser says:

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   Great discussion. I love it.
   I hear Suchada echoing more the difficulty of judging oneself as a bad parent based on comparisons with others, or the culture, or things you pick up in the air, rather than really believing one is a bad mom. The eternal struggle with self-judgment and comparisons with perfection. The belief-system Suchada references where the thing that must be sacrificed is her needs I believe can often lead to resenting the child/baby and their needs. This is not a recipe for anyone’s health.
   In any case, I LOVE the quote about how respecting yourself is harder than respecting the needs of a brand new baby.

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6. Aneela 786 says:

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   Dear Janet

   I am so thankful to you. Because it’s been only two days I found this website and I seem to be on this all the time and learning so much. You are doing a wonderful job.
   I have few questions for you and it would be great if you could help me with them. I am facing similar problems as Kathleen mentioned above. My son ( ebraheem) is a lovely baby and has a good routine. He sleeps on time and doesn’t wake up in the night so often. Now the problem I have is he sleeps with me and wouldn’t sleep in his own cot. He is 10 months old, he started sleeping with me since he was 6 months and now I am having trouble shifting him back to his cot. I did try putting him in his bed while he was sleeping but unfortunately he wakes up and starts crying. Soon he wakes up he wants to have milk to fall back to sleep and wouldn’t sleep until I offer him milk again. Once he is asleep I would take the nipple out. He wouldn’t sleep without nipple in his mouth no matter how sleepy he is. It would be very helpful if you could help..
   Aneela

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7. Sara (Kitty Baby Love) says:

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   Thank you for covering this topic. We had such a struggle with our first child (now almost 4yo) with breastfeeding at night.

   I pushed through the nightly discomfort til he was about 1.5yo and he started fondling my breasts while nursing- that was a clear cut off point for me.

   Communication really helped- my partner & I made a plan and then talked to our son about the change.

   He had a really hard time and it KILLED me inside to see him struggle. After more communication- particularly with baby sign language, we figured out he was actually still hungry in the middle of the night.

   So we started pushing for more protein at his dinner with a cup of cow milk at night if he really needed it. It didn’t make everything perfect, but definitely helped him eventually adjust.

   The biggest benefit to me, though, was with all the extra communication during this period, we learned a lot more about his personal needs and how to meet them in a sustainable way. Following this period, he started replacing the nursing sign for the food sign a lot more- not just at night, but also throughout the day.

   It also helped us differentiate when he was in emotional discomfort or physical discomfort.

   We are expecting another child this summer and even with the experience of our first son, I am dreading to go through this stage of drevelopment again. Thanks for the post- its a great reminder and I will definitely bookmark it.

   Reply