Shy By Nature (Guest Post by Michael Lansbury)
Growing up, I was labeled a shy child. Silent and withdrawn in unfamiliar social situations, I was not the confident, gregarious kid who initiated games with other children, never mind conversations. I would hang back and watch as the others interacted, bringing as little attention to myself as possible. It always seemed that the other kids knew each other, that they were already comfortable friends, that I was the lone outsider.
Eventually, I would settle in. I was athletic and relatively tough (playing ‘Five Fingers of Death’ in an apartment with brothers will do that), so at some point I would insinuate myself into the social order through sports or general rough housing, gain enough confidence to relax and forge friendships.
In common parlance, shy is synonymous with bashful and suggests a shrinking away from contact with others, an avoidance of scrutiny and attention. That certainly describes me as a child. I did not want to be noticed, especially by well intentioned adults who felt honor bound to drag me from my shell. But when I flash back to situations that were truly excruciating (i.e. first day of kindergarten), my sense memory recognizes feelings of anxiety and a good dose of fear. So, shy seems a rather understated, generalized descriptor.
Why was I afraid? I can only speculate, but probably an unfortunate combination of nature and nurture. Perhaps I came out of the shoot subdued and circumspect (‘still waters’, don’t you know). While my parents were caring and reasonably available, I had a significant surgery when I was less than two years old and spent some time in the hospital – with strangers, of course. I don’t remember the experience, but I must assume it rocked my confidence in a secure, predictable world.
I also had an older brother who was not pleased with the fact of my existence. As the intruding second child, I was the target of his anger, natural jealousy and plenty of mischief. I was not going to be happy if he could help it. Nothing horrendous, but certainly a constant, unpredictable threat, physical and emotional. And, no doubt, I treated subsequent siblings likewise. As our family grew (six kids), opportunities for moments of my mother’s complete focus and attention became less frequent. The new babies’ physical needs took precedence over my emotional ones.
When I consider my own children who have had the benefit of Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy in their upbringing — respect, focused attention, empathy — I find support for my personal nature/nurture theory. As infants and toddlers, each of my kids was — to varying degrees — socially subdued. Like me, none was the kind of child who dove unthinking into unfamiliar situations with other kids. They would sit back and observe the action silently, taking stock of the personalities and social dynamic in the room. Eventually – whether in 10 minutes or 30 – they would perceive a point of entry and make their own decision to join in. Or not. But we did not push them to ‘go make friends’ or label them shy to explain their behavior to other parents.
I consider all of my children (again, to varying degrees) to be socially confident — even adept — certainly more than I was at their age, and older. Perhaps their instinct to hang back and watch was inherited. But I never sensed in their demeanor a hint of anxiety or fear. They seemed comfortable. I have to believe this is because as infants and toddlers they had a very different nurturing experience than mine.
Happily, none has spent time in a hospital or any other situation where they were separated from their parents for any length of time. And as RIE infants , their world was always relatively stable and secure. Rarely were they placed in situations that could be considered out of their own control — being handled without their permission by well-meaning friends and relatives; overwhelmed by sensory input like movies, TV or loud music; or carted around adult parties like an accessory.
Furthermore, emotionally, physically and intellectually they were allowed to develop naturally. They were not pushed to reach age appropriate benchmarks, or coached to say or do things to make their parents proud. Their successes were their own, and as a result, all three children gained confidence in their abilities to navigate the world on their own.
I learned to compensate for my social inadequacies by consciously pushing myself forward. I am the first in a room of strangers to step forward, introduce myself and shake your hand. I’ll compliment your dress or hair or shoes or kids, or make a self-deprecating joke to put you at ease. Sometimes I overcompensate and come on too strong. I’m a work in progress.
But when I meet a toddler for the first time, I am a very different kind of stranger. I will not initiate any physical contact. I will not demand a handshake or a ‘high five’ or a hug, drill the child with questions, or get in his face with a stand-up routine to put him at ease. These are social rituals adults have invented that have nothing to do with the feelings of the child, and for a shy kid, it is most certainly uncomfortable at best, excruciating at worst. He is on stage, all eyes awaiting an appropriate response, compelled to interact awkwardly with a stranger so as not to embarrass his parents.
I am happy to say that my respect for a toddler’s boundaries comes naturally. It is bred from empathy but confirmed by Magda Gerber’s approach to child care. Surely, no one can have more respect for a reserved child than an adult who was himself once labeled shy.
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13 Responses to “Shy By Nature (Guest Post by Michael Lansbury)”
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This is the most honest, uplifting article I have seen in a long time regarding shyness…I especially appreciated the “authentic” way Mike explained the important difference in first meeting an adult and first meeting a young child. I think every child in America is appreciative of the respect and restraint it takes to hold back on the “high fives”, the intrusive questions, and the song and dance act that so often takes place when meeting a child for the first time.
This is wonderful…thank you…this is once again a marvelous addition to any parents “how-to” guide!
Thanks, Roseann.
My daughter is the same – she quietly surveys a situation before jumping in. I like that about her. I think it will serve her well in life.
This is such a great post. I agree that it is so important to let our babies, toddlers and children take the time they need to adjust to new situations and people.
Sometimes it is hard though, we brag about how many amazing things our kids can do and then they meet those people (like when I recently took my daughter with me to work for a couple minutes) and they don’t do any of the amazing things they are capable of. My daughter takes quite a while sometimes to warm up to a situation. Once she does, she charms everyone. I have tried really hard though, not to push her. I see it as such a positive quality that she is cautious and observant before she jumps in. Like Erica says, I think the quality will serve her well in life.
I think it is so unfortunate though that we label kids who are only doing what comes naturally to them- being cautious about something new. It would make sense, from a evolutionary perspective, for children to have this tendency- why would we try to encourage it out of them. It’s that instinct that could keep them safe in many situations.
I know exactly what you mean. We want our friends, relatives, etc., to appreciate all our child’s gifts and charms, but then she’s not comfortable enough to show herself. I agree that parental patience is those situations pays off. Our child needs to feel wholly accepted and understood by us, rather than being a source of our disappointment. And, I agree that it’s a healthy instinct to not open ourselves up to anyone and everyone when we first meet them. Now that I have a beautiful 17 year old daughter, I can REALLY appreciate that she takes her time to trust people and is not (at all) a performer/people pleaser!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you for this! My eldest, Truman, could be labeled shy. I cannot tell you the bs we have had to put up with from ‘well meaning’ adults! My son is confident, terrific, smart, and loving. A RIE child who does not feel compelled to make adults comfortable by performing for them….thank you thank you! And as Janet has seen, our youngest Ethan is a polar opposite! He needs time to warm up but once he is cozy (1 minute) he is all over the place
Muah to conscious child raising! keep up the good work.
xo
Terri
So glad my thoughts resonated. It’s only in my old age that I realize ‘shy’ is a catch-all misnomer for : thoughtful, guarded, quiet, scared (in my case), circumspect, calm, even polite, and any number of adjectives that don’t have the negative labelling connotations of ‘shy’.
I love this post. My husband told me he cried every day before kindergarten AND first grade- he wanted to stay home with his (awesome!) mom. He is now a multi-talented VP of engineering at a growing firm–and you would NEVER guess he was a ‘shy’ kid. He travels the country, speaking to customers while overcoming obstacles, constantly. I think his instinct to observe before jumping in helped him develop all sorts of social skills in the long run. I love that about him. =)
What a great article! Are you familiar with the work of Elaine Aron and the Highly Sensitive Person? Her website has a self-test to help you determine if you or your child are. (Our whole family is!). Statistically, about 15-20% of any given population is HS, generally labeled as ‘shyness’. Learning about our temperaments has helped us reframe our so-called “negatives” into true strengths!
Thank you for this insightful and quite personal post.
As an educator of 4s & 5s, I have known many “shy” students. I have seen in real life/time how I absolutely set the tone in a classroom for children understanding & valuing each others’ differing styles.
For example, when we played games as a group, the children understood that “Henry likes to take some extra time” when it was his turn — the message was not “hurry up, Henry” — which allowed Henry to feel included yet take the time he needed or pass his turn.
Was wondering if you think boys have a higher expectation by adults to be bolder and “get over” being shy, versus girls?
Yes… I think shyness in girls is ‘tolerated’, endearing, perceived as sweetness. With boys, it’s seen as a deficiency of confidence and backbone which will be a future handicap in life. As far as ‘getting over it’, it’s all about the parents — whether they accept their kid’s nature for what it is — or if they have other, personal aspirations for them. Then they push. I cringe when I see that, especially if it’s being done for MY benefit. I don’t need to be impressed (and I don’t like precocious). I try to de-fuse the parent’s anxiety, let them know their child’s interaction with me is just perfect.
My adored grandson, who has always enjoyed the company of adults but has been reticent with other children, recently underwent some testing for school. Among the psychologist’s conclusions: Zach needs to be brave every day just to go to school. So you can add courage to your list of qualities in a thoughtful and circumspect child. They have our love, but they also deserve our respect for finding their own ways to navigate through whatever nature and/or nurture has dealt them. Just as you did — remarkably successfully if you ask me!
“brave every day just to go to school”. Now, that’s something to consider. He sounds like a remarkable boy, someone I’d like to meet sometime, exchange war stories.