This May Hurt (Baby’s Doctor Visits)
I have had many surprises since becoming a mom. I found out that children under the age of six never walk down a hallway when they can run; that corn kernels pass through the body whole; and that boys have a testosterone-powered impulse to test the breaking point of everything, especially new toys, with predictable results. But the biggest surprise of all was the discovery that babies and toddlers can actually enjoy, and even look forward to getting a haircut, or visiting the doctor or dentist. (Certainly not the way I ever felt!) And all I had to do to make this possible was to help my baby ‘look forward’ to these routine events by honestly preparing her for the situations beforehand.
When I began attending RIE parenting classes as a new mom, I adopted the habit of telling my baby what was happening to her, and what was about to happen. I told her that I was going to pick her up, place her on a changing table, or do anything that involved her, before I did it. I learned that babies crave predictability. They like the teensy bit of control they feel when they can anticipate what will happen next. It makes their world feel a little less overwhelming and more secure to know, for example, that after bath time they will put on pajamas, hear a lovely song, and then be carried over to help draw the shades before being placed in their bed. Babies like to be included in a process, to participate as much as possible, even if it just means being informed about all that is happening to them.
When babies are treated with this kind of respect, they are surprisingly cooperative, because they are aware and engaged. But when we scoop a baby up without a word, or distract her with a toy to get a diaper changed quickly, we discourage her involvement, and make her feel manipulated into compliance, rather than feeling like a partner in an intimate activity. Even though babies cannot speak, they are whole people, capable of participating actively in a relationship with us, and in their lives. The sooner we honestly take them in and invite them to join us, the sooner they will.
When my baby was around twelve months old, I prepared her for the doctor’s office in advance. I talked to her at home on the morning of our appointment, told her where we were going and what would happen there. I told her about the scale, the stethoscope, about the doctor looking into her eyes with a light, feeling her belly and looking into her mouth. And if I had thought she was getting a shot that day, I would have told her about that too, and right before she was injected I’d warn, “This may hurt or sting.”
When my daughter and I arrived at the doctor’s office she had been hearing all about, I could sense her eager anticipation, and when the doctor finally came into the examining room, she was quiet, attentive, breathlessly waiting for all her predictions to be fulfilled.
Unfortunately, this well-meaning doctor launched into a comedy/magic routine, whizzing that little pen light all over like a firefly in his attempt to distract, telling her, “I see a birdie in your ear!”, and then sneaking in the peaks he needed for his examination. My baby was nonplussed. I moderated. I told her what the doctor was actually doing, so that she could stay involved and at least mentally participate as much as possible. He is a fine physician, but has a common view about children — that they cannot be trusted with the truth, and need to be tricked, and entertained to distraction for him to get his job done.
Happily, my daughter enjoyed her first doctor’s office experience enough to want to go back. She reacted with similar interest to wearing a giant bib at the barbershop and feeling the snip-snip of scissors cutting her hair, and she always looked forward to the dentist, even though she had to keep her mouth open for a long, long time.
No question my children appreciate a lollipop, a new toothbrush, or an “I have great teeth” sticker. But I came to the conclusion a long time ago that the honest preparation that led to their active involvement in those early experiences with the doctor, dentist and hairstylist is the reason my children still like going. Or, maybe they’re just weird kids.
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5 Responses to “This May Hurt (Baby’s Doctor Visits)”
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I totally agree Janet. I always wanted my son to trust me and I knew that as soon as I lied to him that trust would be broken. I had my own tricks to help him through things, but I never told him “it wouldn’t” when I knew “it would.” It does pay off just as you say.
My son learned not everything is pleasant in life, but that knowledge never disengaged him from it. Growing up ADHD it was important for him to know in advance what was coming, good, bad or indifferent. And knowing may it easier for him, never harder. His mind never had to imagine horrible excruciating things beyond his comprehension because he knew whatever it was, would be more or less what we told him. And that honesty both prepared him and got him through it. After all, a sting is only a sting, not the end of the world.
Great article, thanks.
Come to think of it, my kids’ doctor does the same thing — ‘there’s a carrot in your ear!’… ‘look at the birdie!’… It’s really kind of embarrassing, but I guess the doc’s got his routine, so….
- Grace
I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.Any way Ill be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon
This post is interesting to me because I completely agree and I have related to my daughter in this way ever since she was born. However it hasn’t worked! She seams fine, interested and eager about the experiences we talk about before hand (i.e. doctor visits, hair cut). We got through the whole thing and on the way in the car I sing about it (but I also don’t try to overdo it). The minute she gets in the chair or the doctor comes in she is hysterical. I can’t understand this. I was rather disappointed when her doctor was annoyed by her 3 year checkup – says he wouldn’t expect that kind of a temper tantrum from 3 year old. I would not have called it a temper tantrum and I tried to support her lovingly. I’m still searching for how to help her with these interactions with people (other interactions such as adults at the park or babysitters are fine).
Hi Jill,
Hmmm…that’s interesting! My first thought is that without meaning to, you might be overdoing it a bit. Our children are extremely sensitive, not only to what we say and do, but also (and maybe even more so) to our “subtext”. Your daughter may be picking up the fact that you do not expect her to enjoy these situations, so you are talking and singing to get her excited about them. It sounds like you might be trying too hard to make everything sound fun, rather than just calmly explaining what will happen in a new situation, the way you would to another adult. I could see this creating a little bit of fear… she wants to join in your enthusiasm, but then she’s thinking, “Why is my mom trying so hard to make this sound good? It must be something really unpleasant. ” If you are feeling at all apprehensive, or nervous about the situation, that can be worrisome to your daughter, too.
Jill, please keep in mind that I could be way off on this!
It always helps me to check myself, “Would I speak this way to another adult?” I have also learned that our children are so much smarter and more perceptive than we imagine them to be!
Thanks for sharing your situation and please keep me posted!