Comments on: Giving Your Children the Brush-Off

By: Lexa

Lexa — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 21:50:45 +0000

What a beautiful process, Alexandra!

By: Lexa

Lexa — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 21:47:50 +0000

Thanks for this post. It’s always nice to hear that others recognize the feelings of our youngest children as valid and important. As an early childhood professional, I too have experienced a billion ‘boo-boos’ and other miscellaneous hurts with my children.
Recently I have begun to consider the necessity of not only honoring their feelings and giving them a voice (using adult labels for the feelings) but also helping them to deal with these feelings right from the start. In the last year, I have been fortunate to have two wonderful boys in my classroom who have cyanotic and pallid spells caused by breath holding in response to pain for frustration.
Long story short, we have made a practice of using deep breaths (or ‘blowing bubbles’ as we call it) to keep our bodies calm throughout the day. We talk about how good our bodies feel and about how calm it feels after we breathe in all the good air. As the children are so young, it probably doesn’t make the most sense but they do seem to enjoy the sensation. Then when something upsetting occurs the real magic happens. The children naturally come for comfort, which they are readily given as described in both the post and the responses. Sometimes, the need for comfort takes a while which is just fine.
Then as the child begins to calm, we suggest taking deep breaths. Often, they are not ready to do so, but we still model the behavior. Not only does it help the adult to remain calm and supportive of the child, it helps the child to calm themselves!
As many have said, children need to have coping skills. However, to really cope with pain and frustration the experience MUST be recognized by adult and child and then be given a name so the child is able to learn to recall the feeling on their own. (Brushing it off doesn’t give the child this opportunity.) That being said, sympathy also needs to be accompanied by a strategy to empower the child the own his or her emotions and experiences. Whether it’s deep breathing, getting a hug, or using words to describe a situation the child should always be offered a chance to face their pain and move forward rather than suppress until it happens again.

By: janet

janet — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:17:49 +0000

Such important work, Beth. So glad you are doing that. Yes, this is all about comfort with our own emotions, because this discomfort gets passed down generation to generation… perhaps stemming from primitive times when babies and young children needed to be kept quiet for survival’s sake. On the bright side, I’ve found that encouraging our children to feel the things we may have been subtly, or not so subtly discouraged from feeling can be a healing process for us.

By: Beth

Beth — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:04:03 +0000

Thank you for this post. I think this is such a difficult concept for so many adults because they too receive messages to avoid discomfort and strong emotions. Asking caregivers to welcome children’s emotional expressions requires them to be comfortable with their own emotional experiences. To be able to sit with an emotion, ride the wave, and let it pass, is a skill that many adults need to cultivate – especially if they want to support children.

In my work, I often talk with caregivers and educarers about children’s social and emotional development — and I continually find myself reflecting on how important it is for adults to reflect back on themselves — critically considering their understandings, biases and behavior, in order to free themselves from their own unhealthy patterns and become available to nurture and support their child’s healthy growth and development.

Not easy work, but the profound effect it has on a persons ability to nurture another is certianly worth the hardwork and effort.

I also think that when adults share how they are feeling with children (in healthy appropriate ways) they send a powerful message that emotions are a natural part of the human experience, and create a meaningful conversation that is critical to developing deep relationships.

By: janet

janet — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:20:43 +0000

Shanna, those things you describe are hard for all of us. I’ve found it helpful to remember that these seemingly extreme, indulgent and over-the-top outbursts are, more often than not, a healthy release of pent-up feelings that may have little to do with the matter at hand. Getting the feelings out is always healthy and good. So, instead of feeling frustrated and annoyed, know that you are being a FANTASTIC parent whenever you can let go and calm yourself enough to allow your child these emotional eruptions.

By: Shanna

Shanna — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:02:19 +0000

I have had to work very hard to avoid the “don’t cry” or “you’re OK” responses, which seem to be what immediately come to mind for most parents. It was also very difficult at first to resist rushing over and grabbing my daughter when she hurt herself. It’s gotten easier as she as gotten older and become more verbal. At 22 months old she now says “uh-oh, fell” or “oops, slipped”, often before I know what’s happened. I acknowledge it and ask her if she is OK. Most of the time she will either say yes or move on to something else. If she comes over to me or says something like “upset” or “hurt elbow”, then I know she wants comfort. I tell her I am sorry that she is upset and hurt, and I give her a hug.

It is more difficult to acknowledge feelings (and not show my own) when she is crying over something that seems very insignificant, or when she is throwing a tantrum because she doesn’t want to do something that’s necessary. Thank you for this piece reminding us that feelings are always valid. I wish I had found your blog, and learned about RIE, when my daughter was an infant!

By: janet

janet — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 14:02:19 +0000

Alexandra, thank you for describing so articulately (as always) this response to a toddler’s minor injury. Yes, this is what Magda Gerber taught us and I’m not aware of a particular name for it. As you said, it is waiting a moment to gauge our child’s response rather than rushing in (and projecting panic which can then upset the child further) and then acknowledging and reflecting upon what happened. Yes, much of what Magda Gerber taught was about observing objectively, getting our “feelings out of the way” and projecting calm. Our children are so sensitive to our responses and feelings. If we can remain supportive, accepting, non-judgmental and patient about our child expressing feelings, she learns to process them in a healthy manner.

When we reflect on the incident with our child we don’t have to repeat the story again and again. It should feel very natural, like the way we would respond to an adult who was injured and couldn’t speak clearly. We wouldn’t rush over in a panic because that might upset the person, and we wouldn’t tell him or her to “brush off” the feelings.

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 06:58:00 +0000

Thank you for this post. As always, thought provoking.
Instead of brushing off pain or discomfort, I have been absolutely thrilled with a technique that I have been practicing, which I learned recently in my RIE class from other parent-participants in the class, and underscored by the instructor, Carole Pinto.
Basically, this technique is a process of verbalizing my child’s discomforts, expressing through words and language for her.
For example, if she falls and hits her head, I look at her, calmly, keeping my responses as warmly-neutral as possible. I move nearby her and wait, allow her to initiate coming as close physically towards me as she needs to. Then if she continues to seem upset I narrate what happened with simple language, watching her responses:
“You bumped your head on the table. Then you cried.” I gesture towards my own forehead and then touch the table as I speak. Then I wait, see if she still seems upset. Then I say the same words again, objectively reporting what happened. I repeat as many times as seems necessary. It is incredible to me how she consistently responds. She will cry for a second, breathe, seeming to work through the “trauma”. Then she might touch her head, or gesture to the place where she fell, and babble, looking at me meaningfully. I will tell the story again, very calmly. I ask if she would like a hug. I make it clear that I am with her in her discomfort, attempting to leave my own feelings out of the way, aiming to offer space for her to move through her feelings as powerful as they might be. And when she is ready to move on, we move on.
The process fosters calm around a potentially anxiety-provoking trauma, and seems to support skills of resiliency. My child definitely does not always want or need the telling, sometimes she shows/tells me what happened and then moves on. Carole added to this – watch her, to make sure it’s not just a monologue but really supporting her to move through the process if she needs it.
Recently I was supporting Eliana in this process. A friend who was nearby mentioned that she had read an article about supporting older children with active-listening skills when they come to a parent seeking support. This is supportive to the development of self-esteem for the older child. I am sure that this process offers a similar kind of support to a one-year old. In addition, it is clear to me that this process helps a young child who is processing big, possibly scary feelings by helping the feelings be visible. Through articulating what has happened I help her make her experiences be more tangible and therefore manageable.

Is this from process from Magda Gerber? Is there a name for this process?
Thanks as always!

By: Magdalena Palencia

Magdalena Palencia — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 18:13:56 +0000

Janet

Thank you for addressing this topic. Obviously, this kind of subject has as many approaches as there are situations. I like the way you present it and the comments are all very interesting.

By: janet

janet — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 03:16:10 +0000

Darla, with all respect, I still disagree with treating crying and tantrums as unacceptable behaviors. I understand how difficult it is for parents to hear crying, but rather than use that as a reason to try to stop the crying, I believe we need to bite the bullet, allow it, but continue to say “NO” to the toy, or whatever it is. Yes, crying is an unacceptable way to “get” anything but it is always an acceptable way to express feelings (if we want to ensure our child’s healthy emotional development).

I would say something similar to what you said, “You sound tired and upset. I know you want that toy, but we won’t be buying it today.” Then, if the crying continues, “You sound too upset and tired to be here. We’re going home.”

Ideally, we wouldn’t take a tired child to the dept. store, and I agree with you that if he begins crying or having a tantrum in public we should take him home if at all possible, but I would never ever tell a child he shouldn’t cry.