Comments on: The S Word – Toddlers Learning To Share

By: Jane Harrison

Jane Harrison — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 11:29:36 +0000

This is a lovely article and a really good resource to help my staff develop the skills they need. So often I hear parents and practitioners say “you have to share” but ‘share’ is an abstract word that is difficult for a young child to grasp. The RIE philosophy is excellent in explaining how to tune in, respect children and be good role models.
Thanks for making it easily accessible.

By: Andrea Bogle

Andrea Bogle — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:36:39 +0000

My child (almost 3.5 years) does the same thing but with food. When she insists on me or someone else eating something she wants to share but the person doesn’t want it, she becomes very demanding. I respond, “You are really sweet to share your food and I really appreciate it. Remember that we need to respect other people’s feelings and not force things on other people.” She will say, “Oh!” and usally back off.

By: Andrea Bogle

Andrea Bogle — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:27:27 +0000

When my daughter and a friend want the same toy and it becomes heated, I will step in. Say my daughter has a doll that her friend wants. I respond, “Sally, would you say to Olivia, ‘Olivia, may I play with the doll when you are done playing with it?’” Sally will generally ask and vise versa. Olivia or the other child (whoever has the toy) will usually say, “Yes!”. Generally, the child gives the other child the desired toy within 2 minutes. The child feels in control and both parties are happy.

By: Andrea Bogle

Andrea Bogle — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:19:33 +0000

LOL! Great analogy Deborah! Thank you for the laugh and putting this in adult perspective. Yes, this is a great post. I like the idea for modeling sharing. As Amy says, sharing is hard for even adults. We often forget that our toddlers are not adults and are truely learning the sharing concept. How can they learn if we “steal” the learning experience from them? “Your Self-Confident Baby” is on my reading list!

By: janet

janet — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 17:32:04 +0000

Megan, thanks for sharing the methods you use for handling conflicts with older toddlers. They sound perfect! In the RIE classes we intercede similarly when a toddler is obviously involved with a toy or object, or has a project, etc. I agree that children often need our modeling and help with language, i.e, “Please ask John first if you want to use that toy.” Or a reminder that a child can say, “No, I’m using that.”

By: Megan

Megan — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 16:12:24 +0000

If a child has to give up what they’re working with, even after a few more minutes, he hasn’t learned what he needs to learn from it. If we make children stop what they’re doing unnecessarily, they can learn not to get too deeply involved in what they’re doing because someone will just come along and make them stop.
“Sharing” doesn’t have to involve conflict, though I never make a child “share” anything, ever. I teach the children in my class to ask if they may join someone’s work and then the other child has the option to say yes or no. If they say yes, they stick by it. If they say no, the other child has to choose another work. We also have “one person works” that aren’t able to be shared. The key is in the child having a measure of control over the situation. I’ve seen children tense up when another child gets close to them, all ready to fight it out, and then the other child asks and the first child relaxes, says yes, and they work/play together. I think they do need adults to model it, and to give them appropriate ways of handling the situation by around 2.5-3.

By: janet

janet — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 19:06:27 +0000

Amy, this is a little bit cryptic, but if I’m understanding correctly, it sounds like the teen is behaving with typical teen self-centeredness. Even a health crisis with loved ones can’t tear the focus away from ‘self’ (I’ve noticed…been there). I think it’s because the teen years are time of tremendous evolution and inner-turmoil, very similar to the toddler experience. Heck, I can even remember feeling this way… “Everybody hold it together. I don’t want to hear about your problems right now. I’m dealing with a lot here… it’s all about me!”.

As for the “lashing out” — any emotional response to stress is normal (for both of you!). I’m sure she’s aware that she is letting you down and may be feeling frustrated, guilty, everything…. On top of that, you are probably drained and not able to be emotionally supportive of her… I’m a big believer in everybody being allowed to have their feelings with as much understanding as possible, and no judgment. I would definitely rein in any misbehaviors, but allow and acknowledge all the feelings, even if they seem inappropriate or just plain unfair!

Ugh, I’m really sorry you are going through this. Please take good care of you.

By: Amy Jussel, Shaping Youth

Amy Jussel, Shaping Youth — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 18:31:24 +0000

Ok, Janet, gonna up the ante here, what about a TEEN that appears to be having difficulty ‘sharing’ her loved ones? (e.g. an eldercare crisis has shown empathy laced with narcissism-Is lashing out a predictable (developmental?) response in flight/fight mode to worry/stress?

Been reading Marjie’s tweet from KidsHealth on how to help kids handle worry: http://ow.ly/3gOCE Find myself in triage mode wanting to shout ‘be part of the solution, not part of the problem!’ which of course, will backfire like a loaded cannon, so won’t go there. Thoughts, oh sage rational one?

By: Dawn

Dawn — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 15:52:47 +0000

Love this post as sharing is something that hits both home and work often. Thanks for setting children up with coping strategies at a young age. Again, I will go on to talk about older children here. I can see how many kids are used to being rescued by adults’ authority on a daily basis in upper elementary grades.(9-11 year olds) When students are working in teams or small groups, unavoidably (try as I might) there is at least one child who comes to me asking to be rescued. A rescue here would be my forcing another child to share or comply with what the first child wants. I am pretty good and putting it back to the child, restating (reporting) and asking the child to go solve the problem with their team or group. After sending the child back, I announce groups that are properly working with their materials and the behavior they are using. Another tactic I use is asking, Do I (emphasis on I) really need to solve this problem for you? Even kids in first and second grade will usually tell you no, if they have been taught to share, take turns, borrow, do something else, do something different…

By: janet

janet — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 05:22:43 +0000

Neejchee, this is fascinating, because she is attempting to connect with others by giving (rather than taking, the way most toddlers do). Learning how to play with a peer is not easy! I often observe toddlers handing toys to others to get their attention. It sounds like you’re handling the situation well, just keep broadcasting: “You want so-in-so to hold that toy, but she doesn’t seem to want it right now.” Eventually, your daughter will figure out ways to connect that work, and move from “side-by-side” play with a peer to playing together. Just keep allowing her to experiment… toddlers need lots of time to pracitice social skills.