The way I see it, you and your husband both have valid points. It’s true that the more time your son has to lead play, the better. But it is also healthy for him to form attachments with others, and he can adapt to a couple of different types of care. If I were you, I would talk your mother-in-law casually, not in a confrontational way, about the discoveries you’ve made as a parent. I would share about the times you observed your son figuring out things on his own that you never would have thought possible, and the look of pride on his face. I’d tell her about the new and unusual formations he created with blocks and how much fun you had when you stifled your urge to help him and just waited and watched. Make up stories if you have to…but share the good stuff. Share your excitement and enthusiasm, and how you enjoyed being with your boy so much more when you didn’t expend all that energy teaching him how to do things…just getting a big kick out of his choices and his personality.

Which leads me to a question about babysitters: I work part-time from home, and my mother-in-law, in her sixties, has graciously watched my 14-month-old son since he was 6 months old while I work. Her style of interacting seems to be the opposite of what RIE encourages – she “teaches” how to play with toys, aids w/ difficult situations (shape sorters, legos, building blocks…) and is incapable, despite many requests from me and my husband, to let our son be frustrated and figure things out on his own.

I am concerned that she is undoing the curiosity and independence that we try to instill by allowing our son to play and discover on his own, while we remain available, by his side. My husband thinks that it’s important for our son to have different types of interactions with different caregivers. I say the more opportunity for him to lead and explore, without adult instruction, the better.

What are your thoughts on guiding grandmother to stop interfering with play? Or am I overreacting?

Of course you can! The good news about children is they are extremely adaptable, much more so than we are! So if you are ready to make changes in the way you relate to your daughter, she can easily follow suit. The hard part (for us) is allowing our child to struggle. Magda Gerber always said, “If you can learn to struggle, you can learn to live.” It’s hard for parents to see struggle as the positive thing it is. (I know it was hard for me at first.) If your daughter is not used to struggling, she will probably have an adjustment period and be frustrated when you don’t help as much as you usually do. If you can allow the frustration and just acknowledge it without rushing to fix the problem, she’ll work through it.

For example, if she gets upset you might say: “You are working so hard to find the puzzle piece that fits there. I see how frustrated you are.” If she gets too frustrated, let her give up. Trust her to leave problems unsolved — jars un-opened. Let that be totally okay with you. It’s much better left undone than fixed by an adult.

I suggest honesty. For example: “Yes, I know I used to help you when you did puzzles. I’m going to let you do it yourself now, but if you are tired you can stop anytime.” Sometimes, you can bounce the ball back in her court. “You want me to put this piece in…where should it go?”

If you want to write back with more specifics, I would be happy to try to help. I think it’s brave and wonderful that you want to make changes that will help your daughter feel more capable and self-confident.